11. Forgotten Dreams
Chapter eleven
Forgotten Dreams
Astoria
As soon as I open my eyes, tears fill them. I muffle the cry with my pillow. My mind is a nuclear disaster area. It's as if my brain is disintegrating. I can’t focus on a single thought.Both my ass and my pussy are in excruciating pain and so sore that I struggle to move. My last thought before I lost consciousness was that I was dying.
Why am I allowing him to do all this to me? I didn’t expect he'd be so cruel. It was too much. Even though I came so many times, the cruelty, depravation, and violence was too much.
Then in the end, I thanked him for it. The self-disgust and shame overwhelm me. But he won’t leave me alone. There’s nowhere for me to go, no one for me to talk to, and I’m too scared to call the cops. Cases like this don’t usually get attention anyway, and I don’t want to put anyone in danger. Even if I find another place to live, I know a man like him will eventually find me.
The bile rises, and despite the pain, I rush out of bed to the bathroom, where I vomit into the toilet. The retching drains all the energy I managed to gather in the little sleep I got. My phone vibrates, but I don’t attempt to move. After some time, I get up, brush my teeth, practically fall into my bed, and hug the pillow. Too many thoughts crowd my mind, and all I want to do is sleep and forget everything.
Why is Julian so cruel? Who is he? How is it that my body can enjoy something so disgusting when it’s tearing my mind apart? Why can’t anyone, anyone on this planet, love me?
I feel like he broke something in me both physically and emotionally. I'm crying, Jesus. I need sleep, deep sleep.The only thing that calms me is picturing those blue eyes. Dr. Michaelson. Why do they look at me as if they care but then reject me? Hell, he even kissed me. I caress my lips with my fingertips but know that it’s Julian’s come that was last on them.
By the time I wake up again, I have a headache and I’m starving. The sun is setting outside. I eat some yogurt, shower, then turn on the TV, but it doesn’t take long before my eyelids become heavy and I doze off.
A subtle prick on my neck slightly wakes me but I can't open my eyes. Arms slip under me, making my body bob up and down. I'm being carried but I can't move my hands, arms, legs...
“Julian. I’m not feeling well.” It’s true. The world is swirling around me. I feel as if I'm being carried by a wave. “Help… me… please,” I mumble. Even with how terrified I am of this man, my body still cannot gather enough adrenaline so that I can fully wake and open my eyes.
The sturdiness of the mattress beneath me feels good under my muscles. He’s moving me but I don’t understand what’s happening. When I try to move myself, nothing happens. My breathing runs away from me at the confirmation that I'm paralyzed.
“Shh.. It's me, pretty bird. I brought you a gift,” he whispers in his rough, deep voice.
No… What’s going on? Julian… The words are lost in my uncontrolled breathing.I can't talk.
His lips caress my cheek then plant small kisses on it. "Astoria… I can't get you out of my mind." The gentleness is such a contrast from the previous night. Am I dreaming? I moan at the first feel of his hot mouth taking my breast and sucking on it again and again. Another moan rolls out of me when he flicks my clit with his fingers.
“You want it, pretty bird? You love it when I force myself on you. I can tell.”
“Jul–” I can’t form whole words. My head falls to the side as he manipulates my body to his will.
What's wrong with me? I scream it in my mind.
“Oh, you feel so fucking good, baby. So wet and ready for me. I’m gonna fill that pussy with my come. Don’t you worry.”
“No…” I manage to cry as his dick plunges into me. It’s so thick and long. All I feel is immense pain, no pleasure. For a few seconds, I raise my hands to push him away, but I have no strength. There’s absolutely nothing I can do. Being trapped in this sleep spell feels as if I'm buried alive. I can’t keep my breathing under control. It keeps speeding but at the same time, I’m choking.
“Shh.. Relax. You're being such a good girl." As he thrusts into me, I can only moan or whimper.
"You’re so perfect for me. You take it every time."
No, I’m not perfect for you. What do you mean I take it? I want to scream at him. His breathing gets heavier, and his voice grows deeper with the pleasure he's gaining from using my body. "Just like that, pretty bird, keep tightening for me.”
I wince and moan as he slams into me faster while panting into my ear. “Fuck, pretty bird... That's it… Such a delicious, tight cunt…”
Although I’m wet, it’s not enough. The rubbing of his dick on my sore walls hurts too much. I sob, feeling the tears wetting my temples. Hot pain spreads on my pelvic muscles. Every thrust is torture. As he fucks me, he sucks at my left breast hard, sometimes biting and dragging his teeth. It’s as if I’m being raped by an animal, and I have no choice but to just lie here taking it like a rag doll.
“I can’t wait to fuck your ass. I'm trying to be patient but you rule my mind day and night.”
Sleep takes all of me from this. I can’t hear or feel anything. Am I dying?
It’s the orgasm and my own scream that wakes me this time. He’s fucking me from behind and stroking my clit from underneath.
“God, you’re such a good little whore. You come so hard every time. You love all of it. I’ve met no one like you, Astoria."
I whimper in horror at his words and at how hard I’m coming while he rams his dick into my drenched pussy.
"Such a good dirty slut. This is what makes you so perfect for me. This is what you were born for, for me to fuck again and again. I’ll never let you go.”
My body convulses under him and he lifts himself. At first, I think he’s stopping because he's concerned. Instead, he parts my butt cheeks, spits on the valley between them, then fills my asshole with two fingers. I gasp and whine, unable to remember what I said seconds before.
“I love your pretty, little, tight hole. I can tell you’re a virgin." The double penetration numbs the pain away and spreads pleasure all over me like a wild fire. "Hmm… So tight. I can feel my dick fucking you, baby. That’s it, sing for me, pretty bird. Scream for more.”
My silence only inspires him to fuck me harder and to add another finger. His ruthlessness is breaking my body. He spreads my asshole to such extreme that it tears. The pain takes my breath away. I scream, hoping it will calm him.“Soon baby. Just a little more, then I’ll fill your pretty, little hole with my come to warm it.”
My lungs force me to take a breath again, and all the pain rolls back like a tsunami. All I can do is whimper and wail.“No,” I cry when my pussy coils around him. I don’t want to come like this but it's too late. My body enjoys the overfilled sensation, the stretching, the sweeping of him against the walls of both my holes. We’re both panting. Even when I try to make a fist, nothing happens. I have to gather all my strength to scream, “Julian!”
“Oh… That’s it. Yeah. That’s it baby, come again.” My body obeys, convulsing around the girth of his cock and fingers. It’s so intense, both holes quiver and spread waves of euphoria throughout all of me.
“That’s my good, dirty slut. I bet you’d love to have all your holes filled at the same time. One day, pretty bird. I promise.”
How many times has he done this to me?I thought he wasn’t fucking me? He places the vibrator against my clit. My body jolts against it, crashing my butt against him, again and again. I moan more, but my voice is weak. I feel his cock twitch. He yanks it out and quickly pushes the tip into my asshole, where it jerks and engorges again and again, while he groans loudly, pushing deeper, tearing my rim as it spurts hot come into me.
“You don’t have to cry for it anymore, pretty bird. There it is. There’s your come. All nice and warm for your little hungry hole.”
I can’t handle my orgasm while he fills my asshole. He thrusts chaotically, a few times pushing so hard that it passes the entrance. I scream again and again. It's unbearable. Somehow, the excruciating pain overcomes whatever is making my body non-responsive. It’s when I tense, the one time I screech and ball my hands into firsts.“Stop–!”
Who the hell does that, and why? Despite my revulsion and the pain, I climax from the powerful stimulation on my clit. My stretched ass convulses on his cock.
“Fuck!” he yells, hurting my ears, and thrusts a little deeper while trying to catch his breath. “I knew you'd like it." He continues rocking into me, stretching the rim of my asshole again and again, sending intense waves of pleasure. "That's it pretty bird, keep milking me. God, you're such a dirty slut. Coming from getting your ass fucked. You want more don't you?" He pushes harder, going deeper and I wail.
"Take it, baby… Such a good little slut." He opens my butt cheeks wide. “I wish you could see it, Astoria. It looks so pretty, stretched out and leaking my come.”
But that’s not all.
Julian moves so his body is under mine. “Just to keep it in, baby, I promise.” His knuckles stretch my asshole, rubbing against the rim while my pussy sits on his mouth and his tongue and lips pleasure my clit. His fist is too wide. My body trembles, drowning in a storm of pain and pleasure.
I’m gone.
The alarm on my phone rings loudly, but I only have one set for weekdays. I check my phone, and indeed, it’s Monday. I lost two mother fucking days and feel like shit. I leave a message on my boss’ voice mail, explaining that I’m sick and can’t come to work today.
After, in trying to remember what happened, bits and pieces flash through my memory but there are too many things I can't remember. Julian punished me and it was too brutal. Maybe this is why my brain is blocking everything. It takes me a while before I remember vomiting, then taking a shower? How can I possibly lose two days? I grow nauseous at the strong smell of come, so I put everything in the washer, then shower. My body is sore in so many places, making it difficult to walk. I feel like part of me is physically broken or torn inside.
“What’s going on?” I cry.
I’ve lost control of my life and body. Julian makes me feel like a caged, wounded bird being tortured physically and mentally. Enough.There has to be a way out of this.Maybe I should visit Mom for a while? It’s not like I like my job. No. No. I can’t live with her again.
Think, Astoria. I swallow and, against my better judgment, call Mindy.
“Hey girl. You never call. Are you okay?” she asks, her concern making me feel guilty. I cover my mouth with my clammy, trembling hand, trying to cry in silence so she won’t know, but I devolve into a blubbering mess.
“No.”
“Astoria? What’s wrong?”
A short sob bursts out of me, and I cover my mouth again as tears trail down my face. What am I doing? With my hand on my forehead, I realize I can’t tell her. I could be putting her in danger. There’s no denying that Julian is psychotic.
“Tory? You’re worrying me? Do you need me to come over?” There’s an overt panic in her voice.
“No. I’m so sorry, Mindy. I’ll be okay. Sorry, I just had a bad nightmare and got my period. That’s all. Sorry.”
“Jesus girl, listen, I’ll be there after work, okay?”
“No–there’s no need.”
“I don’t give a fuck if you need or don’t need. I’ll be there by five-thirty.”
“Okay, Mindy. I’m so sorry to have scared you.”
“You’re okay, don’t worry. See you soon.”
The whole day, I’min turmoil. I should tell Mindy. No, I shouldn’t tell her. I find myself walking back and forth, pushing my hair back, biting my nails and lips non-stop. Other times I find myself yearning to be held as I break down, with only the corner walls of my closet to cocoon me.My hands won't stop shaking. I know I should eat something but I can't fathom it.
A knock on the door wakes me. I haven’t hidden in a closet since I was a child. Closets are small, warm and closed. I always felt safer with two walls right up against my back when Mom would start raging. This time, I hid because I heard something move in the kitchen. The knock grows more impatient and louder. I ignore the pain and soreness in my butt, pussy, and left breast while running to the front door.
“Sorry I’m so late–” Mindy widens her eyes at my state, looking me up and down. “What the fuck? Astoria Torres, what is this?” I’m wearing PJs. My eyelashes are wet, my eyes are swollen, probably red, and I know my hair is a mess because I don't remember when I last brushed it. Plus, Mindy is always dressed to perfection and although she’s gotten used to my lax style, I know this is a new level.
“I’m not...” I push my hair back and bite my lip, breaking the skin. “Um… I’m not okay,” I wince while whispering.
She takes a few steps into the house, speechless. I can’t help it. I wrap my arms around her and the minute I feel her reciprocate, I break down on her shoulder. Several times I pull away, but Mindy holds me, somehow knowing I need more, so much more.Finally, when we’re holding each other at arm’s length, she asks, “Is this because of Jeremy? I should have called you last night.”
“What? I haven’t heard from Jeremy in ages.”
“Oh shit. I shouldn’t have asked like that–”
“No. Wait a minute. Tell me. What happened?” I ask as I wipe my cheeks.
“Nothing, Tory. Tell me what’s going on. And I know it’s not your period.”
“Mindy,” I warn.
“Jeremy is dead, Tory. I'm sorry,” she says it so as a matter of fact. As if Jeremy hadn’t been someone important in our lives, her friend for years, my first boyfriend for a few months.
No. I must be hallucinating. It's impossible. I blink a few times, trying to keep myself in this world while feeling it slowly slipping from under me. “Wh-what do you mean, dead?”
“Um. It’s all over the news back home. He was murdered. They found him at the lake where everyone used to go make-out.”
Jeremy was found murdered where he raped me? Murdered? I take the last gulp of breath that fills my lungs. It’s as if the news has taken all the oxygen out of the world. I can’t breathe.
Mindy, I can’t breathe. Help me, please.
"Astoria!"
I see Mindy talking but I can't really hear her. Dark sprinkles slowly fill my world view. My knees buckle and no matter how much she tries, Mindy can't carry me.
“She’s waking up,” Mindy’s voice alerts. I can’t see yet.
“That’s good,” answers Fernando.Why is Fernando here? What’s happening? I open my eyes and find them standing beside my bed, watching me.
“Mindy?” I whisper.
“Shh… It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”
“What’s going on?”
“You had a panic attack,” explains Fernando.
“What?”
“It’s no big deal. Everyone has one at one point or another. It totally makes sense. You’ve been so busy and stressed with work, you know. And now this thing. It’s gonna be okay,” explains Mindy.
“Why-why do you keep saying–” I gasp. “Oh my God, he’s dead.” I bolt upright.
Mindy takes both my hands.“Astoria, look at me. It’s going to be okay.”
“Take some deep breaths,” instructs Fernando.
I do. Why am I crying? I hated Jeremy. I begged for his death many times in my journal.The horror paralysis me. Oh my God. I wished for his death. Julian has access to my computer. He must have read my journal.
That’s when the breathing goes wrong again and my eyes widen. Fernando places a paper bag over my nose and mouth and I breathe into it. I hold on to the paper bag as if my life depends on it. After a while, the asphyxiating sensation slowly dissipates. Julian read my journal and killed Jeremy. No one can convince me otherwise.
“Astoria?” Fernando calls.My eyes meet his and slowly, I pull away the bag. “Are you feeling better?” he asks.
I nod.
“Talk to me, Tory. What’s going on? You’ve been on edge for weeks and I’ve kept quiet, but it’s only getting worse,” says Mindy.
I shake my head. “It-it’s n-nothing, I just need to relax, that’s all. I need a vacation.”
She sighs, the annoyance pursing her lips. “Fine. But I want you to start searching for a different job. This is not you.” She’s upset with me and my heart breaks.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry about what? You’ve done nothing, Tory.”
“I’m sorry I fainted. I’m sorry I called you over and bothered yo–”
“Tory, for fuck’s sakes, stop! I’m your friend. It’s my job to help you. Jesus Christ. It’s fine.”Silent minutes pass.“Come sleep at my place.”
“What? No.” The alarm in every cell of my body leaks into my syllables. What if Julian shows up over there and kills her? Oh Jesus. No. "That's a bad idea." I shake my head.
“Yes. Come. I can’t leave you alone while you’re like this. And it will do you some good to change settings.”
“I’m fine, Mindy.”
“I’ll order the roasted chicken from Paisano’s restaurant, some rice and beans?"
"With the sweet fried plantains? I ask as my body realizes I'm starving.
"And I have vanilla caramel ice cream. It’s my final offer, before I have Fernando beat you up into the trunk of his car. Take it or leave it.”
There are a few silent tense minutes of staring between the three of us.“Fine. Let me get some clothes.”
At her place, after dinner, we all sit to watch a movie. Mindy is in between me and Fernando. While I hug her arm, she hugs his. We eventually fall asleep like that. Fernando goes home some time in the middle of the night, and Mindy goes to her bed. For a while, I can’t close my eyes, listening hard to see if Julian followed us. My heart slams rapidly, but eventually, the exhaustion pushes me to sleep.