Chapter 38 #2
“This is nice,” she murmured.
Maddox remained quiet for a while, so she pulled back to study their face. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” they answered with a slight shake of their head. “I was just thinking how talking things out and getting to this point tonight was easier than I expected. I mean, hell, I wasn’t even confident I’d pull off a successful date. It’s not like I have much experience.”
“Experience turning an old greenhouse into a ridiculously romantic wonderland? I’m not sure anyone does,” Denise said with a laugh.
“No. Experience dating. I-I’ve never really done that.”
Denise backed up a bit more to see Maddox better. “Really? How did that happen? I’m sure it wasn’t because people weren’t interested.”
A cute, lopsided grin formed on Maddox’s lips at that, but their eyes looked pensive.
“Even though I knew and I think my parents knew fairly early on that I was gay, I wasn’t all that open about it in middle school or high school.
Queer kids got bullied a lot of times; that was a given.
But also, my dad wasn’t thrilled. Having a gay child didn’t fit into the picture-perfect family and life he wanted.
So, I kept it to myself as best I could. ”
Denise rubbed a hand down Maddox's arm. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."
"Thanks." Maddox sighed. "I did try to fit the model for what he wanted in my own way.
But it was hard for me. Suppressing how I felt about girls was one thing, but with my reading and writing issues, I had to work so hard at school just to maintain average grades.
That frustrated him to no end too: that with all those hours I put in, I was never more than a mediocre student. "
"Did you have an individualized study plan or something?" Denise asked, thinking of some of the research she'd done while making plans for her nonprofit.
Maddox scoffed. "That was part of the problem.
My dad would never really let the teachers seek out or listen to their assessments because he didn't want to hear that I was dyslexic or had anything else 'wrong with me,' so I kind of winged it as best I could with whatever resources I had available to me. "
"There wasn't anything wrong with you!" Denise growled, her blood pressure rising. "You just needed the proper support."
"Hey, it's okay," Maddox soothed. "I understand that now, and it worked out eventually when I went back to finish my diploma after I moved with Gran.
But those years were kind of rough. And I don't think I understood the toll it took until I was about to hit my high school years.
That's when I really started to struggle with how I felt in my body, and it was frustrating because I didn't have language for it.
That, on top of being closeted and trying to maintain my grades all got to be so much that I kind of snapped and started acting out.
Getting into fights, skipping school, things like that.
“My dad lost his job around that same time, and everything just got really out of control. Then he and my mom had the accident, and I kind of fell into adulthood. I started working without giving much thought to a social life beyond my friends and a little fun here and there, and here we are."
Maddox shook their head and looked away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to get into all that. You didn't need to hear the whole mess just to know why my dating history is nonexistent."
"Please don't apologize." The words rushed from Denise. "I'm glad you told me about some of your past. I-I want to get to know you."
Maddox didn't say anything, but they pulled Denise closer and continued to sway to the music.
They had been so open with her. So trusting, and not just today.
Sure, she'd pushed her way into the situation with Louise, but they had chosen to share some of their feelings about it.
They had also chosen to tell her about figuring out they were nonbinary, and now they were choosing to tell her about these heavier parts of their story.
If the two of them were really going to explore what they had between them, she was going to have to be willing to let Maddox in too.
"I don't have much of a dating history either," Denise said.
"No?" Maddox watched her face with curiosity and interest.
"No. Not even after the divorce. I had a short, semi-casual relationship with a woman in business school.
She's actually my best friend now. And that was it.
As for before the marriage...there wasn't much there either.
Maybe it was all those years of staying at home looking after my mom, or maybe it's just who I was, but I kept to myself when I was younger.
Dad didn't really get me because I was so different from him.
I was shy and had social anxiety, so I just sort of disappeared into the background. No one saw me."
She mused over the memories for a moment until Maddox softly interrupted her thoughts with, "I can't imagine anyone overlooking you."
Denise chuckled. "I think it's already safe to say you're going to get laid tonight, Maddox. There's no need for flattery."
But they didn’t laugh. Instead, they placed their finger under her chin to lift her head until her eyes met theirs.
"That was not flattery, Denise Farrington.
I swear, from the day you first walked into this resort, I've had a hell of a time keeping my eyes on anything but you when you're in the room. "
Her skin warmed and tingled at the words and the intensity in their gaze. She bit her lip, glanced away, and then looked up again. "I know what you mean."
“Glad we could clear that up.” Maddox's easygoing smile returned. "So, no dating when you were younger."
"No. Then when—” she swallowed, "Carl came around, I was blown away.
He swooped in like a hero from one of the books I loved reading.
It felt like he was the first person to actually see and care about me.
It didn't take much convincing for me to marry him.
Then I let my entire identity and personality get consumed. ..be defined by him and our marriage."
"I'm sorry it was like that for you," Maddox said, their face drawn.
"Thank you," she answered warmly. "But that partly happened because I hadn't taken time to actually figure out who I was before I got into a serious relationship.
And I guess why I'm pointing that out is because you called your lack of dating history messy, but I don't see it that way at all.
I see a person who did the work of figuring out their identity all while navigating a lot of difficult circumstances before bringing a partner into the equation. I respect that. A lot."
She heaved a shaky sigh. "You didn't put yourself at risk of being lost and disappearing the way I almost did."
Maddox stood still and slid their hand down her arm to entwine their fingers with hers. Their expression was the most serious she'd seen it except for when they'd gotten the call about Louise as they said, "Denise...do you remember anything about that day?"
Denise's breath caught. It shouldn't be a surprise they'd gotten here. She'd started down the path talking about Carl and the marriage. They were going to have to address it at some point if they were ever going to move forward.
“Can we sit?” she asked.
“Yeah, of course.” Maddox squeezed her hand once then released it to pull out her chair for her. They scooted their chair closer to hers and sat.
“A lot of it is hazy,” she started slowly.
“I don’t know how much of that is because of my body’s reaction or because I was in such a mental haze at the time.
I had been for weeks. Ever since I found out Carl had cheated on me with several different women and basically had been the entire time we were together. ”
Maddox inhaled with a hiss. Their jaw tightened, but they were clearly working to keep their outrage in check to give her space to keep talking.
“I was just kind of wandering around lost and devastated,” Denise continued.
“My dad didn’t know what to do with me. But he said I needed a change of scenery and something to keep my mind busy so, as a favor, would I visit the nature reserve hotel he’d recently bought and see what updates the accommodations would need. ”
She picked up her water glass and took a long swallow.
“I’m sure you remember how quiet and out of the way it was there.
I think I must have felt the isolation more deeply than I realized.
But I didn’t make this big dramatic decision, really.
The thoughts came so subtly that I’m not sure I completely realized what was happening until I was already seriously considering it.
I mean, part of me knew I was in trouble.
I thought about hurting myself so someone—my dad or maybe even Carl would notice it.
But then I wondered, what if I just went ahead and disappeared?
What would it really matter? Carl didn’t care about me.
I was more of a headache than anything to my family.
I had no job, no interests, no life outside my marriage.
In some ways, I felt like I was gone already.
A ghost. Wouldn’t it be easier this way?
“I honestly don’t remember the moment I actually picked up the pill bottle and took the pills nor hardly anything about starting to lose consciousness.
I have a brief but clear recollection of you standing over me at one point.
It’s how I recognized you when I first got here.
But nothing after that until I woke up in the hospital.
The staff eventually explained to me what had happened.
That I had overdosed. That I would have been gone if someone hadn’t gotten me help so quickly. ”
Denise sank deeper into her chair and glanced down at her hands in her lap.
In all this time. With all that had passed between her and Maddox since she’d first seen them again, she had never so much as said it aloud.
But now…She closed her eyes and let the enormity of those emotions finally wash over her.
Finally sink in and take her breath away.
And finally let her say what she should have acknowledged to Maddox a long time ago.
“I would have been gone if you hadn’t gotten me help so quickly. Maddox…” She looked directly into their kind brown eyes. “You saved my life.”