Chapter 39
Maddox could only stare at Denise. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears as she reached over and took Maddox’s hand then said it again, her voice hoarse. “You saved my life.”
Emotions were flashing across Denise’s face so fast that Maddox could barely interpret them: wonder and awe and gratitude.
Gratitude.
As Denise had recounted that day, Maddox’s own eyes had grown damp while their own intense memories had mingled with sadness for the pain Denise had experienced along with deep relief that she had made it to the other side. That she was here now, and that Maddox had the gift of knowing her.
But somehow, they hadn’t been prepared for her gratitude. The back of their neck grew hot, and they shifted in their seat. “You don’t have to say that, Denise.”
“But I do!” she argued in a watery voice. “And I should have said it before. Not even when I first got here. I should have found you before now and said it. Because I need to thank you.”
Maddox’s skin grew hotter and itchier. “I only did what anyone would have done.”
“I don’t know if that’s true or not,” Denise said. “But not just anyone was there. You were. You were like my guardian angel that day.”
Was that what this was? Maddox slowly pulled their hand away from Denise’s and sat up taller in their chair. “Your guardian angel?”
Denise flexed her now empty hand and studied their face, a crinkle forming in her forehead. “In a way, yes. But I didn’t mean to upset you. I only wanted you to know how grateful I am.”
Because they had done her a service. Maddox’s stomach twisted. They had known tonight had been too good and too easy to be true.
“Grateful enough to humor me for a little while?” they asked through gritted teeth. Anger and hurt were closing in around them, clouding out rational thoughts.
“What?” Denise asked, mouth agape.
Maddox blazed ahead without acknowledging the question.
“Let me tell you something, I was far from a guardian angel. I was a clueless nineteen-year-old still reeling after getting my parents killed the year before, and I stumbled onto a crisis on my third day at a new job. I was scared out of my head! I didn’t know what to do, so I called 911.
Later, I found out that hotel protocol was to call the Park Ranger Station at the reserve because it’s closer.
After you went to the hospital, and I didn’t know if you’d made it or not, I spent days wondering if I’d done the right thing.
So, you see, I’m no angel and definitely not a hero.
If the reason you’re here with me now is from some sense of gratitude or obligation, believe me when I say it’s misplaced. ”
They sank back breathlessly, while hot tears stung the corners of their eyes.
The silence hung thick between them and, now that their rant was over, they didn’t want to look at Denise.
She was probably appalled to be in a situation where she thanked someone only to get yelled at for it.
Maddox was pretty sure people like the Farringtons were accustomed to better manners than that.
But it had to be said. Denise had needed to see something of who Maddox really was before the two of them went down this road for all the wrong reasons. A deep ache settled in their chest at the realization that they may have ended this before it had even started.
Finally, they brought themself to look at Denise. Her lovely forehead was wrinkled, but she didn’t look angry or even hurt. Maybe just confused?
Denise pulled her chair even closer to theirs and began to speak in a slow, deliberate voice.
“Maddox, I really am sorry if I hurt you. I’m not sure what I did wrong exactly except maybe only looking at what happened that day from my own perspective and what you did for me without thinking about what that day must’ve been like for you. I’m so sorry.”
“I do need to say,” she leaned closer to meet their eyes better, “that even if you didn’t know what to do, you still helped. And, more importantly, you truly cared. I could tell that just from those few moments when I saw you standing over me. That image will be etched in my memory forever.”
Her voice was shaking, so she cleared her throat and pressed on. “But I think I’m going to need your help understanding what upsets you about me being grateful for that. The guardian angel remark was an issue. So why don’t we start there? I promise I’ll do my very best to listen.”
Maddox stared at Denise. Something in the calm, careful way she had spoken was already soothing their battered nerves. Their heart rate slowed, and they took a deep breath.
“I guess it’s another label I don’t feel like I live up to.
” They rubbed a hand over their face. “It seems like my whole life is about being good at my roles, but I’m not even sure that I am most of the time.
I mean, I’m a manager here, but it’s just something I fell into.
This work is literally the only kind I know how to do.
Then there’s Gran. I want to do what’s best for her, but I feel like I’m fucking it up all the time. You saw what happened the other day!”
They clenched their fists hard, physically grasping as their mind struggled to grab onto the words to express what they felt. “Sometimes, the labels feel like too much pressure. Sometimes, I just want to be Maddox. Even though I’m still figuring out who that is.”
Damn. Did that sound immature? Maybe. But it was the truth.
They faced Denise to find her watching them closely. Listening intently and giving them the space to say what they needed to say. They appreciated that.
“Denise, I am so, so glad that I…that someone was there when you needed it.” Their throat thickened.
“I’m so glad you’re here. And if we’d never met again or if we did and knew each other fifty years without you ever saying thank you or even mentioning it, I would still be glad. You don’t owe me a goddamned thing.”
Maddox worked to steady their breathing before continuing. “So if you’re here because you think you owe me or because you’re grateful, I don’t think we should go any further.”
Maddox looked away, studying the windows they couldn’t really see out of because of the reflections from the lights. Silence stretched out between them for a while, broken only by the music and the whir of an electric heater they had set up in the corner of the room.
Maddox’s heart thudded hard in anticipation. Would Denise take the out? They hadn’t fully realized it as it was happening, but that’s what they’d done, wasn’t it? Given her the chance to change her mind about this unexpected, complicated as hell connection between them and simply walk away.
Denise’s chair made a slight creak as she moved, and Maddox jumped at the sudden noise.
The thudding of their heart picked up as they watched Denise stand and approach their chair.
Despite the cold ground, she knelt and took Maddox’s hand.
“We’re still in the early stages of all this, but I can assure you that ‘just Maddox’ is exactly who I want to get to know too.
And while they’ve taken me by surprise, the feelings I have toward you are more than gratitude or obligation. ”
“Really?” Maddox whispered.
Denise was so close to them now, they could smell her lavender scent, soothing but also exciting simply because it was her. But it was the soft, yearning look in her eyes that overwhelmed Maddox the most.
“Really.” Her gaze dropped to their lips then moved back to their eyes before a tiny smile sparked to life on her face. “And if you need me to show you that a few times before you’ll believe me, then so be it.”
Maddox released a short, throaty laugh. “How do you plan to do that, exactly?”
“I can think of a few ways.”
The next morning, Denise searched through Maddox’s kitchen cabinets for a coffee cup. As might be expected with a hotel suite kitchenette, the space was small, but it was neat, practical, and well-equipped. Very Maddox.
She had woken up early while Maddox was still asleep, sprawled on their stomach, their breath puffing in and out in a small, adorable snore.
In some ways, seeing them like that felt like a continuation of the vulnerability and honesty they’d shown the evening before, from the unbelievably sweet date they’d organized to the raw, emotional way they’d talked about their frustrations and fears.
As they’d discussed their struggles with their roles, so many things had clicked for Denise.
Nearly everyone she’d talked to discussed Maddox from a practical standpoint.
What they were good at. How helpful they were.
Even Bobbette, who was Maddox’s friend, had described them as a good person, based on their hard work and care for their grandmother and the Prism Youth kids.
But Maddox was more than the sum of all the services they did for other people. And Denise wanted the chance to show them that.
She decided a simple way to start was with coffee. How many times did anyone ever make Maddox a cup? She found a mug covered in hearts in the colors of the nonbinary pride flag and smiled before pulling it out of the cabinet.
A few minutes later, she returned to Maddox’s bedroom to find them slowly stirring. Once they were awake, they blinked up at her sleepily, and Denise’s heart clenched with tenderness. She smiled. “Coffee?”
Their eyes widened, but then they sent her an impish grin. “Thanks! I could use some. It looks like I was the one who got worn out this time.”
Denise laughed and handed them the cup before getting back into bed beside them.
As soon as her back was against the headboard with her shoulder touching Maddox’s, they set their cup down on the nightstand and leaned over to kiss Denise’s cheek.
She turned her head and captured their lips.
Immediately, they moaned into her mouth and pushed closer.
She brought her hands up to hold their head in place and massage their scalp with her fingers.