Chapter 39 #2
After several long minutes, they finally pulled apart.
Maddox rested their forehead against hers and released a long sigh.
“Denise, I’m sorry for yelling at you last night when you were telling me about what happened and your feelings about that day.
I-I think I was still so in shock that this was happening, that I was scared.
I kept looking for ways to confirm my doubts that this wasn’t real. ”
Denise pressed another quick kiss to their lips. “You don’t have to apologize, Maddox. I’m glad we talked it out. And I absolutely get being in shock. The fact is it sort of feels like a miracle to me that we got to this point after the way it started out when I got here the first time.”
Reluctantly, she pulled back to lean back against the headboard, but this time, Maddox put their arm around her. She nestled closer into their warmth.
God, this feels so right.
“Can I ask you something?” Maddox said.
Still thinking of how content she felt, Denise only hummed her agreement.
“Did you truly think I would tell anyone about that day? I know you didn’t know me that well yet, but really?”
Denise sighed. “That was all coming from a place of fear, Maddox. I can see now that thinking didn’t have much to do with it. I didn’t begin to realize how much I’ve let that fear drive me until I came here and was such an asshole to you.”
She tilted her head to see Maddox’s face better. “I’m sorry for that again.”
The gentle squeeze Maddox gave her shoulder said more than their words could.
“I know I complain about working for Farrington a lot,” she continued, “but the truth is, I am grateful for the life I have now. Working and friends. There will be long stretches of months where I never even think about what happened seven years ago.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“I think so,” Denise agreed. “But I’ve also been hiding my past and my deeper thoughts and feelings, even from people I care about. It’s felt safer that way.”
Maddox rubbed her arm. “Safe from what?”
“I don’t know. Being exposed and vulnerable again, I guess. Losing everything. Losing myself and disappearing…the way I almost did before. It’s frustrating. Sometimes I think I’ve done a lot of healing, but other times I’m so terrified I could get to that place all over again.”
“I’m no expert, but I don’t think being afraid means you haven’t done plenty of healing,” Maddox said.
They scooted around until they faced her head on.
Their brown eyes were intense and sincere.
“Things can always go to hell. We both know that. But I don’t think you have to be so afraid of that.
You’re not the same woman you were back then. You’re resilient and strong and wise.”
Denise’s eyes started to sting. She squeezed their hand.
But they weren’t finished. “And maybe it’s okay to be open and truthful with the people in your life. Because the right ones will be there for you if things fall apart.”
“And you called me wise?” Denise said with a weak chuckle.
Maddox smiled faintly. “Ironically, that last bit may have been something I had to learn that day seven years ago.”
“What do you mean?” Denise leaned in closer.
Their head sunk a little and they seemed to be looking down at Denise’s hand joined with theirs, but she wasn’t sure they were actually focused on that. “Well, like I said, my parents had died not long before that.”
“Yes. Last night, you said you…” Denise’s voice trailed off.
“That I’d gotten them killed?” Maddox winced. “Yeah. I’ve gotten better about not putting it like that anymore. But I was kind of upset last night.”
“What happened?”
“My mom and dad were in the car driving from Oklahoma City to Tulsa. He had a job interview and she was going to see about places we could move. It was during the school day, so I stayed behind. But I got in trouble at school that day—one of the many times—and the principal called them. After the call, my dad phoned me while he was driving and we got into a bad argument. For most of my life, I’d never talked back.
Whatever Dad dished out, I just took. But I guess I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.
Or maybe it was having that distance between us that made me bolder, but I screamed back at him that day. ”
They shivered once but kept going. “He was on the highway at the time. The cops said another car swerved into his lane and he lost control trying to avoid it. He ended up colliding with a semi instead.”
Denise’s stomach had twisted the longer Maddox had spoken, but now it seemed to drop altogether. “Oh, Maddox. I’m so sorry.”
Without hesitation, she pulled them into the tightest embrace she could.
She felt their body shiver again in her arms, but they were otherwise quiet and still as they hugged her back.
Denise closed her eyes. She couldn’t fathom how hard it must have been for them back then, and all the years after too.
After a few minutes, Maddox took a long breath in and out and slowly pulled back. “Thanks.”
They rubbed their face. “That year afterwards was really tough. I quit school and went to work. The thing at the nature reserve hotel was actually going to be a second job. Gran had asked me right after the funeral to come live with her, but I said no. I was miserable and full of guilt and feeling like I was cursed or something. And then that day happened…and it freaked me out.”
Denise’s heart clenched. “Maddox, I—”
“No, no. You don’t have to say anything,” they rushed to assure her.
“Obviously, I didn’t know who you were or what was going on in your life back then.
Seeing that happen was upsetting, yeah, but it also made me look at my life.
I knew I’d fallen down a big dark hole of hurt and self-hatred, but I also realized that, deep in my heart, I wanted out of it.
I wanted to keep fighting. And I didn’t want to do it alone.
So, when I got fired the next day, I called Gran and told her I would move in with her.
And that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. ”
“Wow,” Denise breathed out. “I could have never imagined something like that coming out of what happened with me, or how are stories…connected. It’s a lot to think about.”
Maddox nodded slowly. “It is. But the big thing is we both kept fighting. And we’re here now because of that.”
“I-I’m so glad,” Denise shook her head, still reeling from everything Maddox had told her and from the massive ball of feelings spinning inside.
“I’m glad you found a way to work through your loss.
I’m glad you moved and that you and Louise have had each other all these years.
And I’m glad for the place you’ve carved for yourself in this community. ”
“Thank you,” Maddox said. They pulled her hand to their lips and kissed her knuckles.
Denise’s heart fluttered then settled into a surprising calm. “And I’m glad that I’m here too. When I was in therapy, they told us to learn to find joy in the moment. I’m afraid I’d sort of let that idea slip for a while. But being here and—”
Her face heated but she kept talking. “Being with you has reminded me. And I’m just so damn glad.”
Maddox pulled her into their arms again and whispered. “I am too.”