Chapter 29 Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Tex
(From Tex’s notebook)
Question: What demons keep you from living free?
Some of mine have names.
Some have faces.
Most just sit in the dark waiting until I’m stupid enough to think I’ve outgrown them.
The booze. The pills. The empty beds.
The nights I spent awake because if I closed my eyes, I’d see it all over again.
The things I did to feel nothing.
The things I did to someone else just to keep from feeling nothing.
I keep telling myself I’m not that man anymore.
And some days, I believe it.
Other days, I still hear him in my voice when I get angry.
Still feel him in my hands when I want to grab a bottle.
Some days I wake up and the weight’s still there,
the voices in my head telling me I’m not worth a damn,
that I’ll always be the guy who fucks things up.
Brewer says demons are only as big as the space you give them.
I’ve been giving mine a damn cathedral.
I’ve carried that for years.
Held it like it was part of me.
Maybe I thought if I put it down,
I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.
But it’s not who I am.
It’s just the garbage I’ve been dragging behind me.
So here’s what I’m doing:
I’m pulling their teeth out one by one.
I’m telling the truth, even when it makes me want to throw up.
I’m not drinking. Not today. Not even if the sky falls in.
And when my head tries to tell me I’m still the monster,
I’m going to look at him (me) in the mirror and remember:
I’ve already outlived you once.
I can do it again.
Today, I’m trying something different.
Today, I leave the bags at the curb.
You’re not your worst day.
If I fall back into old patterns, I’m not starting from zero.
I’m starting from what I’ve learned.
And I’ve learned that I can’t do this alone.
Affirmation:
I am not my mistakes.