Chapter 30 Talk To Me, Goose
Talk To Me, Goose
Group Chat Conversations
Bitches Group Chat
Nash:
You gotta see Valor. He thinks the robot vacuum is attacking him. He stalked it, jumped on top, and now he’s riding it around the house.
Brandt:
SERE training. He’s a natural.
Wardell:
Can we get a cat?
Brandt:
No.
McCormick:
Pics or it didn’t happen!
Brandt:
Ok, maybe.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 4:16 PM
Wardell:
Who in the fuck messed with my radio presets in the jeep?! I gave three of you a ride and now I’ve got nothing but Christian rock and… what was that, Brandt?
Brandt:
Polka.
Wardell:
I don’t even know what that is! I never thought I would repeat a Top Gun line, but I want some butts!
Mandy:
That sounds like hell.
McCormick:
I swear I would never do you dirty like that.
Nash:
Honestly, I think it was Valor. He was pawing your dash.
Stiles:
Screwed by a pussy/Kitty. Bet you never thought you’d say that again
Jax:
I’m muting you dumb fuckers.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 7:12 PM
Stiles:
Has anyone caught this true crime documentary on how to hide bodies?
McCormick:
I’ll help you hide a body, no questions asked.
Nash:
Who’s body are we hiding?
Wardell:
I might be down.
Mandy:
You people scare the fuck outta me.
Pharo:
Not supposed to tell anyone where you hid the bodies
Brandt:
The hell you are! What you need to be down with is mowing the yard.
Jax:
Depends whose body. Is it Pharo? Cuz I’m down for that.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 3:16 PM
Stiles:
So what's with the new guy?
Wardell:
Rhett? Seems cool.
McCormick:
Cool, maybe. But hot for Riggs.
Nash:
Agreed. The sparks burned me from across the room.
Mandy:
He may have two broken legs, but I bet his third works just fine.
Riggs:
Y’all are a nosy bunch of Bitches! No more talk of Rhett, ya hear?
Jax:
Looks like the sparks go both ways.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 7:19 PM
Stiles:
Does anyone have a pattern for a jockstrap?
Wardell:
Dude. I just unmuted this chat after a long hiatus. Don’t make me do it again.
Pharo:
Same
Nash:
Sounds kinky. I’m making a bowtie for Valor.
Mandy:
Sounds like Stiles has a date.
McCormick:
I’ve got a pattern for you. Also have a thong pattern.
Jax:
I’m so fucking done with this chat.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 2:12 PM
Wardell:
What kind of beer goes good with steak? I’m cooking for Brandt.
Stiles:
Coors? Miller? Bud?
Wardell:
No, something fancy and fruity and imported.
McCormick:
Mike’s Hard Cider?
Mandy:
You’re barking up the wrong tree with this group.
Jax:
Classy guys.
Pharo:
Just blow him. He won’t care what he’s drinking.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 4:17 PM
McCormick:
Margaret Anne said they’re hiring counselors for Camp BALLS.
Nash:
Is that where your balls take a hike and camp out in someone else’s pants?
Wardell:
That’s every fuckin’ day
Stiles:
It’s summer camp. Sounds like good extra money.
Mandy:
Heeelllllll no!
Jax:
I’d rather be broke as fuck.
Pharo:
It’s ironic that you actually are.
Jax:
I’ll submit your application to Margaret Anne tomorrow, dickbag.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 8:57 PM
Nash:
How do I fix a run in my stockings?
McCormick:
Want me to ask Betty?
Wardell:
What kind of kinky shit are you into?
Nash:
Asking for a friend. It’s for Tex.
Mandy:
Clear nail polish.
Stiles:
Should I ask how you know that?
Mandy:
I’ll be right over. I’m right down the street.
Wardell:
Dude! I’m sitting right next to you on my couch. Stop lying.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 8:29 PM
Wardell:
4th of July BBQ at our place. Who’s coming?
McCormick:
Hell yeah.
Nash:
Can I bring some of the Serenity House guys?
Aguilar:
Of course.
Mandy:
Tex coming?
Stiles:
I’ll bring some meat.
Pharo:
I’ll be in town.
Jax:
Thanks for gracing us with your exalted presence.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 8:47 PM
Mandy:
2 for 1 drinks and half price wings tonight at Hooters, Who’s down?
McCormick:
Why not just go to Black Mountain Tavern?
Nash:
Cause Tex don’t work at the tavern
Stiles:
Me and Mac are heading over now.
Aguilar:
Me and West are down. Wouldn’t miss this shit show for nothin’.
Mandy:
Please don’t embarrass me!
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 3:53 PM
Jax:
Hey… I’m not, uh… I’m having a bad day.
McCormick:
Want me to come over?
Jax:
Hell no
Aguilar:
Black Mountain Tavern in thirty minutes.
Mandy:
On my way!
Stiles:
Me and Mac are heading over now.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 7:11 PM
McCormick:
Netflix and boil? Who’s down?
Stiles:
WTF does that mean?
Mandy:
Is it hot dogs and TV?
Wardell:
Shit, I’d rather watch Top Gun again. No thx.
Mandy:
Same.
Stiles:
I’m down but I’m bringing pizza.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 7:57 PM
Wardell:
Can I get a volunteer to do an explosives demo this weekend at my bootcamp?
Stiles:
Why can’t you do it?
Wardell:
I’ve only got one good leg left. Can’t risk it.
McCormick:
I guess that means I’m out.
Pharo:
I volunteer Jax!
Jax:
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 4:31 PM
Jax:
Y’all took off in a big hurry after group, but when I find out who did it, imma kick your sorry ass!
Mandy:
Who did what?
Jax:
They know who they are.
Stiles:
(uploads pic of a blowup doll strapped to back of Jax’s bike)
McCormick:
You’re my hero
Jax:
You’re a dead man!
Pharo:
I take back what I said. Thank you for adding me to this chat!
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 9:59 PM
McCormick:
Imma kick your ass, Nash!
Nash:
Get in line
Stiles:
You know what they say about a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest
Mandy:
What’s he do?
McCormick:
I babysat your cat in group and my shirt’s covered in hair. My date's allergic!
Aguilar:
Maybe she’s allergic to you, not the cat
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 8:47 PM
Aguilar:
Movie night! Who’s in?
Nash:
I’m busy bathing my cat.
Stiles:
Bullshit, Nash. Can I pick the movie?
Mandy:
Are we watching Top Gun again? Cause if so, I’m helping Nash bathe his cat instead.
McCormick:
I’m still pissed at Nash and his cat for ruining my date. I’ll come. Can I bring hot dogs?
Wardell:
I’d rather bathe the cat.
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 6:28 PM
McCormick:
FYI… Walmart has a bogo on the 6 pack of boxer briefs.
Stiles:
Pick me up a pack.
Jax:
Who tf cares
Mandy:
Good deal.
Nash:
TMI
Wardell:
WTF ya’ll doing to your damn underwear?!
Pharo:
Who added me to this bullshit chat?
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 3:33 PM
Wardell:
Pizza party at our place tonight. Drop your favorite topping in the comments.
Stiles:
Pepperoni
Jax:
Veggie
Mandy:
Pineapple and ham
Nash:
Meat lovers
McCormick:
Hot dogs.
** (Wardell has removed McCormick from the chat)
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 6:52 PM
McCormick:
Betty Beasley just dropped a new video!
Stiles:
Make sure you don’t get jizz on the new kerchief you’re knitting.
McCormick:
It’s a cum rag, not a kerchief. It’s made for jizz.
Stiles:
You knitted a cum rag?!
McCormick:
Yeah, you want one?
** (Jax reported this content as sexual harassment)
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 5:19 PM
Stiles:
I’ve got gray hairs!
McCormick:
You’ve had them for two years
Stiles:
Not in my pubes!
McCormick:
Mine are still red, like my head. You have old dusty balls.
** (Wardell has snoozed you for thirty days)
** (Aguilar has left the chat)
Bitches Group Chat
Time: 4:29 PM
McCormick:
How do you make Beenie Weenies?
Wardell:
You open the can, genius.
McCormick:
Yeah, but then what?
Stiles:
Pop it in the microwave.
McCormick:
That’s it? It doesn’t get better than this?
Aguilar:
Do you want to come for dinner?