Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Blaise
THEN
I’m half asleep when my phone blows up with texts at about ten thirty. Everyone I know is asking if I heard the news about Neisy accusing Ryder of raping her.
I sit up in bed and scroll through the texts before switching over to Facebook where girls from school are already calling her a liar.
There’s no way Ryder would touch her , Brooke says in an emotionally charged post. Everyone knows he’s in love with Louisa and has never looked at another girl the whole time they’ve been together. Neisy is lying. Don’t believe her. Ryder is innocent!
My brother is innocent of these vile charges, Cam writes. Don’t believe everything you hear from people who are always looking for attention. #JusticeforRyder
Seriously? Sienna writes. She must be delusional to think he’d go anywhere near her. #JusticeforRyder
Her words hit me like a spike to the heart. She knows Neisy is telling the truth, but is publicly backing Ryder, even after what she saw him do.
I’m sick all over again, like I was when it first happened, especially as other kids weigh in with cruel words about Neisy.
The door to my room bursts open, and Arlo comes in looking wild eyed. “Did you hear?”
“Yes.”
“What the actual fuck does she think she’s doing?”
“I, uh, I don’t know.” I want so badly to tell him I saw it.
For years, I’ll wonder why I didn’t.
In the moment, I can’t get words that would change everything for both of us past the boulder in my throat.
“She’s full of shit! Everyone knows how he feels about Louisa. God, what she must be thinking. Did you hear Louisa is going into hospice? She’s not responding to the treatment, and there’s nothing more the doctors can do for her. Like she and Ryder don’t have enough to deal with.”
My heart sinks. “I hadn’t heard. That’s terrible.”
“I honestly don’t know how much more they can take. Cam says Neisy’s dad is raising hell with the police, demanding they arrest Ryder.”
“Are they going to?”
“I’m not sure. I heard there may be some sort of evidence, but I don’t believe it. I’ll never believe it.” He looks at me now with fire in his eyes. “We’ll defend him every way we can, starting with a rally at the school tomorrow for everyone who believes in him. There’s no way we’ll let someone like her ruin him. I’ll let you know the details when I have them.”
Arlo is gone as fast as he came with things to do in support of his best friend.
I run to the bathroom to vomit, which has happened almost every day since that night. I’ve lost thirteen pounds I didn’t have to lose, and my mom is asking what’s wrong.
Everything is wrong.
Every single thing.
I don’t know how to live with this knowledge I can do nothing with. If I tell the truth, everyone will hate me, including my own brother and now-ex best friend. I haven’t heard a word from Sienna since the night she called and told me again to keep my mouth shut or else. That’s fine because her behavior is revolting to me, but I miss having someone to talk to, especially right now. There’s certainly no one else I can talk to about this.
I’ve thought about going to Teagan. There was a time, not that long ago, when we were close. That was before she decided that being a rebel was more important than being a good sister. She barely gives me the time of day now, but if I went to her and told her what happened, I have to believe she’d be there for me.
But what if she isn’t? What if she turns on me and calls me a liar or tells people I made up some crazy story about Ryder? Then what?
I can’t take the chance. I have one more year to get through at HHS, and being a social pariah is not how I want to spend my senior year.
Just that quickly, my thoughts return to Neisy and what she must be going through. I feel sick again. I wish I was strong enough to sacrifice myself and my relationships with family and friends, not to mention the trouble I’d be in if I confess to where I was that night, to do the right thing.
I’m not.
A good person would speak up, would tell the truth regardless of the consequences for herself. My soul is heavy with the realization that I’m not a good person like I always thought I was. Prior to this, it never once occurred to me that I might witness a violent crime and tell no one what I saw.
I wonder why Neisy decided to report it so many weeks after the fact. Did something else happen? And how did her dad find out? I hope the police arrest Ryder. That would make me feel much better, even if it would still be her word against his. Arlo said something about evidence. I’d love to know what that is.
Nothing would make me happier than to see her prevail against him.
I pick up my phone when I get back to my room to scroll through the vitriol online, all of it directed at the outsider who’s accused one of our own of an unspeakable crime.
The comments are one hundred percent in favor of him and the outsized role he’s played in our class and our lives. He’s been our class president since we were in eighth grade, not to mention his many victories on the field and in the classroom.
Everyone knows now that he’s bound for a career as a naval officer.
Will Neisy’s accusations derail his appointment?
Teagan knocks once before she walks into my room. “Do you know this girl who’s accusing Ryder?”
Those are the first words she’s said to me in days.
“A little. She’s in our class.”
“You think he could’ve done it?”
I shrug, having already decided I can’t trust her.
“He’s probably all pent up because Louisa’s been sick for so long.”
“That’s disgusting, Teagan.”
“It’s true. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was getting busy with a lot of people behind her back.”
“Rape isn’t getting busy.”
“So you think he did it?”
“How would I know?”
“He didn’t do it, Teagan,” Arlo shouts from behind her. “And I’d better never hear you say that again.”
“Take it easy, little brother. I was simply asking Blaise what she thinks.”
“It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I know him. I know the truth. Anyone who says otherwise is dead to me, you hear me?”
“I hear you,” Teagan says in a blasé tone. “What do I care anyway? He’s nothing to me.”
“He’s my best friend , and this could ruin his life. So excuse me if I care.”
“What’s going on?” Mom asks from the hallway.
Arlo glares at our sister. “Teagan is talking out her ass about things she knows nothing about.”
“Shut up, Arlo. I simply asked Blaise if she thought he did it.”
“And I simply said to shut your mouth.”
“That’s enough, Teagan. This is upsetting for Arlo and Blaise. They’re friends with Ryder.”
“I’m not.” It’s important to me to put that out there to anyone who’ll listen.
Arlo looks at me with disbelief. “You grew up with him, Blaise. You may not be best friends with him, but you’re obligated to defend him against an outsider who’d try to ruin his life.”
“No one is obligated to do anything, Arlo,” Mom says. “You do what you need to, and Blaise can do what she wants.”
“You’ve preached to us about loyalty all our lives, Mom.” Arlo is on the verge of tears. “He’s one of us . He practically grew up in this house. How can anyone doubt him for a second?”
“I don’t doubt him,” Mom says, “but I also don’t know him as well as you do, so you can’t expect me to be as certain as you are.”
“You know him! You helped to raise him and Cam the same way his parents helped to raise me.”
“Indeed I did, but I have no idea how he behaves when the parents aren’t looking.”
I want to give that statement a fist bump. Rather, I roll my hands into fists and give the bump in my head.
“I can’t believe this,” Arlo says. “I’m very disappointed in you guys.”
“You need to take a deep breath, Arlo,” Mom says, “and think about why this young woman would say such a thing if it wasn’t true. What does she stand to gain?”
“Revenge.” Arlo’s low, sinister tone sends a chill down my spine. “People have treated her shitty since she showed up at school out of nowhere, and this is her way of making us pay.”
The three of us stare at him aghast.
“That’s insane,” Mom says. “This will ruin her life right along with his. Why would she put herself through accusing him of such a thing simply to exact revenge on people who were disparaging to her?”
“Because she knows by now what he means to us,” Arlo says fiercely. “If you guys can’t support him the same way you would if this were happening to me, then I’ve got nothing else to say to you.”
He storms off toward his room, slamming the door closed.
“He’s right,” Teagan says. “Ryder did grow up in this house, and we owe him our support and loyalty.”
Mom doesn’t seem so sure, but she doesn’t say so.
Teagan goes to her room and closes the door.
“I want to talk to you.” Mom comes into my room and closes the door. “What’s going on, Blaise? And don’t say it’s nothing. You’ve barely left your room except to go to work, and you’re not eating. You know how I feel about that.”
She battled anorexia as a teenager and has been vigilant with us.
“I’ve just been feeling off lately,” I tell her. “I’m not sure why.”
“If you don’t start eating and participating in life again, I’m getting the doctor involved. Even Junie is worried about you. I won’t allow this to happen to one of my girls. Do you hear me?”
“I do. I’m sorry to worry you.” And I’m sorry to hear my little sister is concerned about me.
Mom kisses my forehead. “You’ve never given me a moment’s worry. Don’t start now, okay?”
I force a smile. “Okay.”
“Love you, sweet girl.”
“Love you, too, Mama.”
“Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
After she leaves, I get back in bed and return to scrolling, reading one nasty comment after another about Neisy, her motives, her reputation as a slut and every other hideous thing people can think of to say about her.
I always knew she’d do something like this , one of the mean girls named Abby writes. You could see it coming a mile away. She picked the wrong crew to mess with. We’ve got your back, Ryder. #JusticeforRyder
My heart aches for Neisy.
I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.
I could go to a school counselor or therapist, but I remember a unit we had on the role of counselors in seventh or eighth grade. They’d be obligated by law to report that I witnessed a crime, so that’s not an option.
There’s no one I could talk to who would keep this information confidential, and since I couldn’t bear for everyone I know to hate me more than I already hate myself, I have to stay quiet.
Even if it kills me.
Neisy
THEN
Nothing in my life, even the hell of the past year, could’ve prepared me for what happens after we report the attack to the police. Before I have the chance to tell Kane what’s going on, my phone blows up with texts from numbers I don’t recognize, calling me everything from a whore to a liar and threatening harm to me and my family.
One of them encourages me to kill myself before someone else can do it for me.
My dad reports the threats to the police.
They bring Ryder in for questioning and release him when they realize this is a matter of his word against mine. He denies he attacked me and claims I’d been coming on to him for months, and that he’s far more concerned about his girlfriend’s declining health than he is about seeing other girls.
Facebook is on fire with how I lured him away from Louisa during her time of need, which makes me even more of a whore than I was before.
My mother’s closest cousins, who are friends with the Elliotts, text to tell her she and I are dead to them after this and how dare I make up such a lie about Ryder. Mom has been drunk for days since she got that text.
I feel oddly removed from it all, like I’m floating above the fray watching it happen to someone else. If there’s any good news, my dad has agreed that I can never go back to Hope High School after this. He said he’s working out a plan for me to return to my old school in Virginia for my senior year. Although even that might not be possible as I’m sure word of my troubles here will follow me wherever I go.
And then there’s the matter of the baby I’m carrying, which will prove I didn’t lie about what Ryder did to me once I get to the nine- or ten-week mark. I don’t want to think about what will be involved in getting DNA from a baby in utero.
Kane texts me overnight. Neisy… What the hell is happening?
Can you talk?
Yes.
I call him on Skype, which allows us to talk for free.
“Hey,” he says. “Are you all right?”
I love that that’s his first question.
“I’ve been better.”
“Neise… Why didn’t you tell me?”
He looks heartbroken.
Tears flood my eyes and spill down my cheeks. “I didn’t tell anyone.”
“I’m not anyone.”
“I thought you’d be mad.”
“What? Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Maybe I did. Maybe I did tempt him and—”
“Neisy, no. Absolutely not. He did this to you. Are you… I mean, were you hurt?”
“For a while. But I’m better now. There’s something else I should tell you…” I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. “I, um, I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, honey. Oh, no.”
“It’s actually a good thing. The baby’s DNA will help to prove I’m not lying about him attacking me.”
“I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. I want to come there and strangle him.”
“I can’t wait to see you, but no strangling.” I hiccup on a sob. “Do you…”
“What, sweetheart?”
“Do you still love me after hearing about this?”
“I’ll love you forever and ever amen.”
We’ve been saying that to each other for years, and hearing it now breaks me. “It was supposed to be you,” I say between sobs. “Y- you were supposed to be my first.”
“And I will be. What he did doesn’t count.”
I’m crying so hard I can’t speak.
“Shhh, it’s okay. Everything is all right.”
“It’s not.”
“It will be.”
I don’t know if that’s true. I feel like nothing will ever be all right again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Don’t be. You were traumatized.”
“I’m not sure this is the best time for you to visit. Everything is a mess.”
“That makes it the best time for me to come and support you. I’ve been so worried. I knew something wasn’t right. I thought maybe you’d met someone you like better.”
“That’ll never happen.”
“You’re all I think about, all I want, all I need. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Even now that you know I’m an emotional wreck?”
“Especially now.”
“I’m worried my dad will do something that’ll get him in trouble. He’s so angry.”
“He won’t. He’s too smart for that.”
“I don’t know… I’ve never seen him so worked up. And he’s outraged that my mother didn’t realize something was wrong while he was away. I heard him tell her he’s had it with her and her drinking and her obliviousness. He told her if she doesn’t get help—soon—he’s leaving her and taking me with him.”
“That’s been coming for a while, though, right?”
“I guess. He’s just so angry that this happened when I was home alone with her, and she didn’t notice anything was wrong. There’s been a lot of yelling.”
“I’m sorry it’s been such an awful summer. I’ll be there soon to do what I can to make it better for you.”
“I was so afraid you’d hate me for this.”
“Never. I love you more than ever. Hang tough. We’ll get through this together. I promise.”
We talk for a while longer about a vacation he took with his family to the south of France and a visit with his cousins who came from San Diego.
It’s a relief to think about something other than my own situation for a few minutes, but the second we say goodbye for now, I’m right back in hell. My boobs ache, and I’m nauseated. I’ve read that both are normal in early pregnancy, but nothing about this pregnancy is normal.
A knock at the door has me sitting up in bed. “Come in.”
My dad comes in and shuts the door. He looks like hell, as if he hasn’t slept in days. His face is haggard from the strain, and his chin covered in scruff I’ve rarely seen on him. He’s always clean shaven and squared away, so it’s upsetting to see him this way. “Were you talking to Kane?”
“Yeah, I finally told him everything.”
Dad sits on the end of my bed. “How’d he take it?”
“He’s upset, of course, but he said all the right things.”
“I’m glad you have his support. Is he still coming next week?”
“That’s the plan.”
“I’ve been thinking…about the baby.” His expression is gut wrenching.
“What about it?”
“It’s not right that you should have to carry a baby conceived this way. If you want to seek out alternatives, I’d support whatever you decided to do.”
I’ve heard both my parents say that abortion isn’t something they would’ve chosen to do, but they’d never make that decision for someone else. So I know it’s a big deal for him to present that option to me.
“Would we still be able to check the baby’s DNA if we did that?”
“Yes, I believe so. I just want you to have all the options. In the end, it’s your decision.”
“Thank you for the support.”
“I feel sick that you were alone with this for weeks, Neise. You should’ve called me. I would’ve come right home.”
“I knew that. I needed some time to process it. I keep going over it and over it, looking for the point when he might’ve thought it was okay to do what he did. He said he wanted to talk to me about Louisa, so I went with him, away from the others. It never occurred to me…”
Dad’s warm hand lands on my cold one. I’m cold all the time lately. “You didn’t do anything to encourage him. Nor did you do anything to deserve what he did. A real man doesn’t attack a woman and force her to have sex with him.”
“Daddy…” I squirm as his hand clamping down on mine starts to hurt.
He immediately releases me. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m just so upset. I want to go over there and wrap my hands around his neck and show him what happens to animals who rape women.”
“Please don’t do that or anything like it. We have to let the police handle this. Don’t risk your career and your pension over him. He’s not worth it.”
“I heard he’s up for a commission to the Naval Academy. I can sure as hell do something about that. We don’t need his kind in the navy.”
“Promise me you won’t go to his house.”
He looks down at the floor, seeming to wage some sort of private battle. “I want to kill him for hurting you.”
“I know, and that means everything to me, but please, Dad. Promise me you won’t do anything to make this worse.”
After a long pause, he says, “I won’t do anything to physically harm him, but I’ll do everything within my power to make sure he pays for what he did to you.”