Chapter 10
10
Something was holding Belinda back. The shift in their conversations was palpable. Aaron felt the slow erosion with each short text, stilted encounter, and reserved conversation. He missed the easy rapport between them. He missed the way his heart beat faster when she was near. And he sure as hell missed their kisses. A shadow had fallen between them since Thanksgiving, and he couldn’t figure out what caused the clouds.
Attempting to bridge the widening gap, he decided on a diversion from his planned afternoon. He threw back the last of the sludge that the station called coffee, signed off his shift, and drove to the church he’d discovered was the location of a photo shoot for a high school senior. Belinda mentioned that the site was different, but the adolescent was fascinated with old church architecture and wanted his senior pictures to be in front of his favorite stained glass window. Hell, thinking back, he’d wanted his senior pictures to be on the baseball field. To each their own.
Just as he pulled up, the teenager was driving away with a smile on his face. Whether due to getting the photos he wanted or because the photographer was the stuff of adolescent wet dreams, Aaron had no idea. God knew she’d starred in a few rub-offs for him since he’d met her.
Seeing her car but not her, he climbed from his SUV and was drawn to the side of the church. He was surprised to see Belinda bending low, her camera dangling at her side as she perused tombstones. He watched her mesmerizing actions as she meandered through the old graveyard in a moment of unexpected tranquility. Something in her movements was almost reverent. Her gentle sway, the contemplative tilt of her head, the way she placed her hand gently on the front of the tombstones and traced the letters with her finger.
The sunshine of earlier had passed as clouds moved to cover the sky. A profound sense of melancholy settled deep in the pit of his chest.
A breeze kicked up, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. She turned as he pushed off from the church's side and walked forward. Her eyes widened, and the moment of surprise that flickered across her face was a brief reminder of the spark that had once illuminated their every encounter. She began to move, meeting him in the middle of the graveyard.
“Hey, Aaron. What are you doing here?”
“I…” He grappled with the turmoil churning within him, suddenly unsure why he was there. The light he’d grown used to seeing in her eyes was no longer there. And while he missed it, he wasn’t sure how to bring it back or if he’d even have time to try. He jammed his fingers into his pockets and blurted, “I feel like things have slowed with us, and I just didn’t want to let it drag out any longer without talking. So I decided to meet you here instead of waiting until you got home.”
She dropped her chin and stared at her feet for a moment, then lifted her head and held his gaze. “I know how you feel. I was going to talk to you, but I’ve been putting this off.”
His chest tightened, but he remained quiet. He had no idea what would come out of her mouth, but he already knew her well enough to know it would be honest.
“I really like you, Aaron. That’s not a throwaway line. I haven’t had a lot of serious relationships, but the few I’ve had have hurt when they ended. When you start a relationship with someone new, there’s always a chance that you’ll get hurt, but I suppose I find myself always willing to discover a happily ever after. But I’m not sure that’s what you’re looking for.”
His head jerked back slightly, and his brow lowered. “What makes you think that? Have I done something to make you feel I wasn’t interested?”
“No. I just… I guess I just don’t want to be the girlfriend of the season.”
At that, his heart threatened to beat out of his chest and his palms sweat despite the chill in the air. He started to ask her what she meant, and then the conversation he and Andy had at Thanksgiving slammed into him.
She must’ve seen understanding dawn on his face because she rushed, “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. You and Andy were on the back deck, and I was in the downstairs powder room. As I went to the sink, your voices were just on the other side of the window. The blinds were down, so of course, you couldn’t see me, but I was able to hear everything.”
His stomach clenched, and he shook his head. “Belinda, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean?—”
Her hands lifted, and she shook her head quickly, tendrils of hair flying about her face. “No, please don’t apologize, Aaron. You and Andy were just being honest with each other. Bess and I have the same kind of relationship. I know you’re not someone who just goes from bar hookup to bar hookup, but you and your brother were very plain about how you date someone for a couple of months and then leave because a part of you is afraid of being left first. I can only assume that the other girlfriends you’ve had over the years were not the right person to be with. We all have a past. But hearing me lumped in with all the others, especially knowing they had met your family, made me realize I wasn’t special. And it seems you don’t have a history of trying to make it through the tough times.”
He wanted to deny her gently given accusations but couldn’t. Everything she said was right. “I just never found the right person, Belinda. So yeah, I broke things off.”
She nodded and sucked in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. “I get that. I really do. But when you were talking to Andy, two things struck me. You have a lot going on in your life and career in the upcoming months, and I totally understand. Working toward becoming a detective is important and needs your full attention. I wholly support you in that.”
He tilted his head, noticing how calm she was on the outside but how tightly her hands were clasped in front of her. Her knuckles were white, and when he stared at her face, he could see her chin quiver and her lips tremble. He thought of his past breakups, each of them initiated by him. He had been met with tears, tantrums, anger, and even a slapped face for leading them on or not giving them a chance.
But Belinda was working so hard to maintain her calm after admitting she overheard a conversation that must’ve been painful. And even though the words were coming from her, they were initiated by his actions. Once again.
He finally asked, “What’s the second point that struck you?”
She pressed her lips tightly together for a moment. “I knew what I felt for you was growing and getting stronger.” A scoff barked out from her lips. “I wasn’t exclaiming vows of love, but I knew I was ready to date you exclusively. You hesitated when Andy pushed you about where you saw our relationship going. You held back. And when he brought up the upcoming changes in your life, you freely admitted that starting something now would be difficult.” Her chest heaved as she swallowed deeply. “I respect your need to focus on yourself, but I don’t deserve to be with someone… give my heart to someone not ready for that kind of relationship.”
He opened and closed his mouth several times, feeling like a fish out of water. He couldn’t get enough oxygen to his brain even to form a coherent thought.
Her lips curved slightly, but the smile held sadness, not joy, and for that, his heart squeezed in his chest.
She bent and gathered her camera case sitting on the ground and started to walk past him.
He reached out to grab her arm and twisted around quickly. “Belinda.”
Her gaze lifted to his face.
“What… what were you looking at when I walked up? What had you so fascinated in this graveyard?” His question surprised himself, but suddenly, he wanted to know what had been on her mind.
Her head turned slightly as her gaze now roamed over the headstones. Her shoulders lifted in a little shrug, and she said, “People find graveyards to be sad and lonely places. But I’m always fascinated by the visual testimonies that someone lived and died. Every person here had a life, and there’s no way to know what they did with their life. But when I’m here, it makes me think of them. They lived, they loved, they worked, they played. I always hope they had friends and love and enjoyed life.” She shrugged again. “I know it sounds weird, but I feel a certain peace here. It reminds me to live and to love.”
They were quiet for a moment as the breeze blew past them. He searched for words as beautiful as the ones she’d spoken, but that had never come easily for him. He had sometimes felt that he was broken inside but now was convinced he was. “I’m sorry. I think there’s something… I know there’s something inside me that just…”
Her sad smile remained, and she nodded, stepping closer. Lifting on her toes, she placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I wish you all the best, Aaron.”
With that, she turned away and walked to her car. His gaze never left her, and he stood in the middle of the graveyard, staring at the road long after she disappeared.