Chapter 12 #2
There was a pause on the line, but Amelia understood. Neither of them knew what was going on lately. Jo didn’t need all of this, though. She was supposed to be moving on from Callum, living her life and enjoying herself, not worrying on a call to Amelia.
“I needed to talk to someone.”
Amelia’s breath caught. That always seems to be me. “What’s on your mind, Jo?”
Jo sighed, and Amelia could almost hear her fidgeting on the other end. The nerves, the hesitation, all of it was probably wrapped up in a box with a neat little bow on top. “Last night’s been playing on my mind. You, me…you know?”
“Yes, I know.”
“It scares me,” Jo said. “Not because I didn’t want it. But because I did. Too much.”
Silence settled between them. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was a silence that seemed loaded with so many emotions.
“I’ve been thinking about how ridiculous all of this is,” Jo continued as she laughed. “You’re my ex’s mum, for God’s sake. I mean, even saying that out loud feels like some kind of joke.”
“Yeah,” Amelia said quietly. She didn’t want to be a joke to someone. Not even Jo if it meant she could have her. “I’m sorry about that.”
“And we both agreed, didn’t we? That it would be downright stupid to get involved.”
“Very stupid,” Amelia echoed, trying to figure out if Jo was hoping to convince herself…
or both of them. Because while Amelia knew people would talk, it no longer felt like a stupid idea to be involved with one another.
Not when Jo looked at her the way she did.
Not when they’d almost kissed. Amelia couldn’t recall the last time she’d stood on her doorstep and allowed a moment like that to take over her, but last night it had almost happened.
“And yet,” Jo went on, “I keep wanting to.”
Amelia closed her eyes and rested her head back. God, this was a complete mess.
“But I won’t. I can’t. I think that maybe friendship is the only thing I can manage with you right now. And honestly? I’m lucky to even have that.”
Amelia’s throat tensed. She wanted to tell Jo she could have more, but what right did she have?
Not only had she been the one to lay out some kind of invisible line they couldn’t cross, but she wasn’t being entirely honest either.
Not where it mattered most. “I don’t know where we go from here, but I’d never want to lose your friendship. ”
“Me neither.” Jo sighed, then said, “At least I still have Lia.”
Amelia’s pulse stuttered. “I’m sorry?”
Jo laughed, almost in a self-deprecating manner. “You know. The dark room. The thing I do when I’m not being emotionally responsible.”
A thousand words rushed to the tip of Amelia’s tongue, but they instantly died there. “R-right.”
“She makes it easier,” Jo murmured. “Not to think. Not to feel too much. I know that sounds messed up.”
“It doesn’t sound messed up, Jo. If that’s what you need, then that’s what you need.”
“It’s not sustainable, and I know that, but right now, it’s enough. Until I’m ready for something…real.”
Amelia’s fingers tightened around the edge of the armrest. The urge to confess surged up like a wave, wild and brutal, but desperately needed. For both of their sakes.
Tell her. Tell her before she says something that breaks you.
But then Jo laughed again, and it was music to Amelia’s ears. “She said the funniest thing last time. About how my breath gives me away. That even when I say nothing, I say everything.”
Amelia smiled through the sting of tears in her eyes.
She remembered saying that. She remembered every breath Jo had taken in the dark…
and she would carry those moments forever.
Hidden and unspoken. Because here, right now, hearing the affection in Jo’s tone for a woman she didn’t even realise was Amelia…
Amelia knew she couldn’t tell her. Not when Jo had just told her that Lia was helping her survive the space between heartbreak and healing.
If she told her now, Jo would feel betrayed. It would ruin them. All of it.
“Amelia?” Jo said softly. “You’ve gone quiet.”
Amelia gripped the edge of the armrest tighter, steadying her voice before she replied. “I’m here. Just listening.”
“You okay?”
She nodded. “Yes. I don’t want to miss anything you’re telling me.”
Jo let out a nervous laugh. “You always say things like that. Like I’m worth listening to.”
“You are,” That came out before Amelia could stop it.
“Can I tell you something? You probably think I’m out of my mind, but to me…it’s everything.”
Amelia prepared herself for whatever was coming, inhaling a deep, inconspicuous breath. “Of course. You can tell me anything.”
Jo exhaled, but there was something in the way she did it that made Amelia brace herself.
“I think the only place I’ve felt anything close to peace lately is in that dark room. With her. With…Lia.”
That name twisted like a knife through Amelia’s heart.
“I know it’s weird.” Jo scoffed. “You know, finding comfort in a stranger? But it doesn’t feel like she’s a stranger. Not really.”
Amelia stared out the window, allowing Jo whatever space she needed to say everything out loud. She would separate herself from Lia for a moment and try to understand what was going through Jo’s mind.
“There’s something about her. The way she touches me and listens without speaking. The way she waits until I’m ready. It’s like she knows the exact shape of the ache I’ve been carrying.”
Amelia pressed a hand against her sternum, trying to steady the slow breaking of her own heart. God, she couldn’t keep this up for much longer. Not without hurting herself in the process.
“She makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world,” Jo whispered. “Like I matter. Like nothing I’ve been through changes that.”
Amelia bit the inside of her cheek so hard that it brought tears to her eyes.
“She never pushes, and she never asks me to be anything other than what I am in that moment. I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t have to be brave. I can just…be. And for an hour, maybe two, I get to stop pretending that I’m okay when I’m not.”
Amelia closed her eyes. She remembered every moment.
Every breath. The way Jo had leaned into her touch as though it was the only thing anchoring her to the earth.
The way she’d pressed her forehead to Amelia’s collarbone once, so quietly and so trustingly, that Amelia had wanted to cry right then and there.
“And the strangest part?” Jo said, her voice laced with both wonder and confusion. “I don’t even know what she looks like, I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup, yet she makes me feel more than anyone else has in years.”
Amelia’s throat burned. Even if she’d wanted to respond, she couldn’t. Jo Bleasdale was breaking her piece by piece without even knowing it.
“I know I’m using her as a crutch and I know it can’t go on forever, but it’s all I can handle right now.”
“You’re not using her,” Amelia somehow managed. “You’re surviving. There’s a difference.”
Jo fell silent for a moment. “Do you think she knows that? That I’m not using her to be cruel…but to find myself again?”
Amelia let out a shaky breath. “I think she does.”
“That’s the thing that gets me. She stays when she could choose someone else. Anyone else. But…she chooses me again and again.”
Oh, I’ll always choose you again and again. Tears fell freely down Amelia’s face.
“I wish I could tell her how grateful I am.” Jo’s voice broke. “That she’s held me together more than she’ll ever know. That until I met her, I was hanging on by a thread.”
Amelia tried to speak, but her voice caught in her throat.
“And I know it’s not real. Not in the way life is real. We don’t talk. There’s no aftermath and no responsibility, but in those moments when it’s just us…it feels more honest than anything I’ve ever had, Amelia.”
It took everything within Amelia not to cry out loud.
Because it was real. And it was her. And Jo had no idea.
She wanted to scream her confession. She wanted to beg Jo to see her.
But how could she? How could she destroy the one space where Jo still felt safe?
And worse…how could she risk losing both versions of herself in the same breath?
“I’m sorry,” Jo said suddenly. “I didn’t mean to go on like that. I don’t know why I’m even telling you all this.”
“Because I’m listening,” Amelia whispered. “That’s what friends do.”
“You’re right. Thank you. I appreciate it.” Jo sniffled and sighed. “I should get going. I have some prep to do for another shoot in a few weeks. I need to source a studio.”
“Take care of yourself, Jo. You know where I am if you need to talk.”
Amelia ended the call with a trembling hand and stared at her reflection in the window. She looked like someone she didn’t recognise anymore. And all she could hear was Jo’s voice, still echoing in her head…
She chooses me again and again.