Chapter 16 #2
While Jo loved and appreciated Ada for her constant support, she couldn’t stand to hear the simplicity of it all.
It wasn’t simple, it would never be simple, and the sooner people realised that, the sooner Jo could fall apart and actually fully realise she could never have Amelia Loughlin.
No matter who she was or wasn’t, no matter what they did or didn’t feel for one another…
it just couldn’t happen. Not in this lifetime.
“Callum,” Ada said with a scoff, “is a cheating arsehole who lost the right to have a say in anything about your life when he climbed into bed with that fucking yogi who believes you can survive on fresh air and that positivity pays the fucking bills! Don’t you dare let him keep you from finding someone who actually makes you feel good about yourself again. ”
Jo pressed her lips together as emotion welled in her throat.
“If Amelia wants you, and you want her, then who exactly is being hurt?” Ada asked. “Because from where I’m sitting, nobody is being hurt. You’re both consenting adults. The only problem is the story you’re telling yourself in your own head.”
Jo swallowed. “I just…I don’t want to make her life harder.”
Ada gave Jo a knowing look. “From what you’ve told me, I think she can handle herself just fine.”
“She can handle herself, you’re right, but that doesn’t mean I want to upend everything and see her fighting with Callum.
He’s her son, regardless of what you and I think of him.
He’s all she has.” Jo didn’t know Amelia’s background, they’d never been close enough for her to ask those sorts of personal questions, but aside from Amelia’s best friend, Jo couldn’t recall a moment when any family members had been around.
Even in those days of getting to know Callum, he refused point-blank to discuss his dad.
Jo didn’t have a name for him, she’d never come across a photograph of him, and Amelia hadn’t brought him up in any conversations.
“I’d never forgive myself if we started dating one another and Callum cut her from his life. ”
“This is tough, and I know you feel like you’ll never have that happy ending, but people adapt. Sure, Callum is going to lose his shit when he finds out, but really…Amelia is entitled to sleep with whoever she wants. And that includes you, too.”
“I’ve been hiding behind Lia because it was easier, but seeing Amelia today?
It made me realise that I can’t pretend that what I’m feeling is just lust anymore.
It’s not about the sex or the fantasy. I want to be near her.
I want to know what her day was like and spent the evening alone with her, just…
wrapped up in her arms. I want to see her in that fucking lingerie again and not have to pretend that I’m unaffected by it all. ”
Ada grinned. “Yep. Definitely sounds like love to me.”
“Alright!” Jo let out a shaky laugh. “Don’t push it.”
“I think that Friday could be a turning point for you both. And if it’s not? You’ll figure it out. You always do.”
Jo leaned against her and rested her head on Ada’s shoulder. “Thanks for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Always.” Ada draped an arm around Jo and kissed her hair. “Now, finish your tea and let’s find a film where nobody has sex with their ex’s mum.”
Jo snorted. “I think you’re safe. That sort of storyline is mostly reserved for porn.”
“Well, you know…I’m not opposed if you need to pick up some pointers.”
For the first time today, Jo felt herself relax and accept that whatever would be, would be.
She couldn’t change the direction of her fate, and she couldn’t change how she felt, but she could hope for a good outcome just for tonight.
Still… “There isn’t a hope in hell that I’m sitting here watching porn with my best friend! ”
Amelia had been curled up on the couch since she’d finished dinner, a glass of wine untouched on the side table, her eyes glazed over as some soap opera played quietly in the background.
She wasn’t watching it, couldn’t possibly even say what it was called, because her mind, as usual, was firmly on Jo.
Every moment of their unexpected meeting earlier lingered.
The way Jo had looked at her as though she was some kind of storm she didn’t know how to weather.
The way she’d flushed, stumbled over her words, and tried so hard to play it cool but failed.
Amelia had barely slept since their call at the weekend, she’d just about managed to function when it came to work…
and now here she was again. Stuck and miserable.
Whenever she closed her eyes, Jo’s moans played on repeat.
When she sat in the silence, she imagined too vividly what it would be like to have her again, in person, her body trembling and her breath hot and heavy against Amelia’s neck instead of through a phone.
She’d tried to shake it off since the moment it had all happened, but those thoughts and those memories just wouldn’t leave her. They were seared into her memory, and right now, Amelia’s greatest fear was that it would be all she’d have left of Jo once the truth was revealed.
When her phone buzzed beside her, she reached for it immediately.
It was Jo.
Hey, I hope you got home okay. I was wondering if you could help me out.
Ada says there is a section on the website for Satin that tells you if the dark rooms have been booked for the evening.
She’s having issues logging in to check, so I was hoping you would have some idea of where I’d find it.
She said something about a portal. It was nice seeing you today x
Amelia sat up straight, her heart in her throat as she stared down at Jo’s message. It didn’t matter how many times she reread it; the content remained the same.
Then another message came through.
I’m tempted to just show up there this evening if the room Lia usually uses is booked and hope it’s her in there x
Amelia’s breath caught.
Jo wanted Lia tonight, and Lia—Amelia—wanted Jo.
She had no right to want that. Not now. Not after everything they’d shared lately in the light of day. But still, Amelia’s fingers were already moving. She opened the members’ portal and checked the schedule. The dark room was free.
Amelia stared at the empty time slot, her pulse pounding in her ears.
She shouldn’t do it, she knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave well enough alone and log out of the app.
If she had any self-control at all, she would simply text Jo back and give her some bullshit excuse about how the dark room was closed tonight, perhaps encourage her to rest and stay at home.
Instead…she clicked the link and booked the room for nine-thirty.
Two hours from now and enough time for Amelia to pull herself together…
enough time for Jo to make her way across the city if she decided to.
Her hands were shaking as she logged out of the portal and brought Jo’s messages back up. God, what the hell was she doing?
The member’s portal is a separate app. I’ve just checked for you and the dark room is booked this evening.
She placed her phone down and pressed her palms into her thighs, trying to steady the ache building behind her ribs.
This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to her, and it definitely wasn’t fair to Jo.
But it was the only way she could have her.
It was the last time she could have her.
Because once tonight was over and Friday came around, Amelia would be forthcoming with the truth.
No matter what Jo said to her, no matter how much she wanted to be Lia for Jo, Amelia couldn’t do it anymore.
It means so much that you’ve just done that for me. Knowing what we know now, knowing we want more with each other but can’t…that was incredibly selfless of you x
Amelia swallowed as a tear slid down her cheek.
None of this was selfless. Amelia was a selfish bitch.
But when Jo was with her as Lia, she wasn’t guarded.
She wasn’t afraid of the future. She allowed herself to feel.
She let Amelia touch her, and worship her, and whisper things in the dark that she’d never say in the daylight.
And Amelia lived for those moments. She clung to them.
Because in those moments, she wasn’t someone Jo had to avoid loving. She was just someone Jo wanted.
Tonight is the beginning of the end.
Her phone buzzed again.
I mean it, Amelia. Thank you x
Amelia exhaled a deep breath and closed her eyes. The lie sat heavy in her chest, the pain of knowing what she was doing made her body physically ache, but she would get her comeuppance on Friday night…and she accepted that.
I hope tonight is what you need. Take care heading out into the city x
She cleared her throat and set her phone down on the coffee table in front of her. She should start getting ready, but Amelia found herself unable to move.
Another message.
I would have invited you along for a drink, but if she’s there, I can’t have you both in my headspace at the end of the night. I’m already struggling. I’m sorry x
Amelia placed a hand to her chest and sobbed quietly into the silence of her living room. Jo was forthcoming with her feelings, while Amelia continued to lie.
She didn’t reply. She couldn’t. Because what exactly would she say?
Actually, that booking? That’s me. It’s always been me.
But that truth wouldn’t give her Jo. Not the way Lia could.
She leaned forward, locked her phone, and forced herself to focus on what Jo needed tonight.
Whether Amelia wanted to back out or not was beside the point.
She’d already made her decision. And now, she would spend the next two hours craving Jo Bleasdale.