28. Luke
CHAPTER 28
LUKE
P ut it on record. Walking away from Sophie is officially the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But we’re clearly not on the same page, and right now, I don’t have the strength to try to make sense of hers. She doesn’t get what this is doing to me.
I clutch the paper in my hand, tempted to toss it into the trash receptacle I pass on the way to my car. But then I hear Kinsley’s voice in my head, telling me that’s a jerk move, which prevents me from following through.
Fresh anger surges through me over the thought of that man searching her out. Did he show up on her college campus unannounced and catch her off guard? And I walked out, leaving her alone with him again.
Well, not entirely alone. I’m sure Gabe looked out for her. Even so, I walked away, letting her down just like my father did with me.
Sadly, I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Failing my team, my sister, and deep down, I know I let Sophie down too. The last words I spoke to her twist in my gut as I pull out of the parking lot and head back to…back to…
I don’t know where to go. If I go to Gabe’s, I’ll have to talk about what went down today, and I’m not in a good place to do that right now.
Kinsley. I need to find my sister and make sure she’s safe. I tap her number on the Car Play screen.
“About time you called.” Her sassy tone almost makes me smile.
Almost. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but I don’t think you are.” She’s not far from the truth. My sister really should consider a minor in psychology.
“Where are you?”
“Gabe’s. They invited us over for dinner while we waited to hear whether you were still alive or not.” Though I find her words cringeworthy, I know I deserve it.
“Sorry.”
Her sigh fills my car, and her voice softens. “Are you okay?”
I should be strong for her, but I’m feeling everything but that right now. “Not really.”
“Did Sophie find you?”
“Yeah.”
“And?” Her sarcasm rides in full force.
“And what? I should have listened to my gut the first time, Kins. If she hadn’t fumbled that piece about me, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“What are you talking about, Luke?”
“The article. That’s how he found you, right?”
“You know, for being eight years older than me, you sure can be a dumbass sometimes.”
“Kins, stop with the diatribe and connect the dots for me.”
She growls, sounding more like me than I’d like to admit. “I’m the one who found him. After your visit, I looked for him.”
“Why? Why would you do that?” I turn onto Gabe’s street.
“Because he’s the only parent we have left in this world!” she yells over the phone .
“I’m going to hang up now.” I park by the curb in my usual spot in front of Gabe’s house.
“Jerk.”
I grunt. “I just pulled up.”
“Ah, okay.”
The connection ends as I climb out of the car. Kinsley walks out of the house with my father trailing out behind her.
She stops halfway down the path, glancing back and forth between us.
Kinsley fists her hands on her hips. “Seriously? Do I have to be the adult here?”
Our father descends the steps and joins her, leaving me with the choice.
Do I meet him there or walk away?
I study him, comparing his memory with the man I see now. What he wrote in his letter bounces in my head about his mistakes, regrets, and how looking back, he would have made different choices.
And then I remember the last words Sophie said to me about how you can’t move forward in life if you’re still looking back. Maybe it’s time to put the regrets to rest and start living in the now and then go from there.
I inhale a deep breath, shove my hands into my pants pockets, and take one step, then another.
Toward my sister, my father…and my future.
Dinner was grueling. I think I felt worse for Gabe and Olivia than I did for myself, but they did their best to help us get a conversation going. The problem is my anger. I can’t seem to communicate without blowing up, so I stopped talking. And now it’s time to leave.
Kinsley joins me by the door, looking miffed herself. “ I told Dad we’d stay at our house tonight, so you can either drive us or we’ll take an Uber.”
She’s already calling him ‘Dad.’ I know she wants this, but I’m struggling. I remember what he did to our family, and I’m finding it hard to believe he could have changed, despite his in-depth explanation of how he wound up in prison after nearly overdosing and describing it as the best thing that could have happened to him.
He got sober—he got help. Specifically with a diagnosis of a bipolar disorder. Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place for him. He began to heal and make amends as much as possible from prison. He even tried to reach out to our mother, but she refused his call.
I grunt. I’m not thrilled about having him in our house again, but I’m willing to try for Kinsley. “I’ll drive.”
By the time we pull up to our house, it’s late. All I want is to fall into bed and pass into oblivion for a while, so I don’t have to think about anything, although I’m sure Sophie will invade my dreams tonight.
As we head up the path, my father stops and smells one of the remaining roses on Mom’s bushes, while Kinsley unlocks the door and goes inside. Light from the lamp in the window floods the porch and leaks over onto Mom’s roses. I clench my fists at my sides, resisting the urge to push him away. What right does he have to enjoy something she loved?
He lifts his head and scans the rest of the bushes. “Your mother always loved roses.”
With a grunt, I climb up the steps. The sooner I get inside, the better because I don’t think I have any energy left to control my chaotic emotions. Or my temper. Everything in me is numb except the anger.
“Luke.”
At the sound of his voice, I stop at the front door and hang my head. “Yeah?”
“Don’t make the same mistake I did. ”
I turn around and saunter over to the railing. “What are you talking about?”
“Kinsley told me about Sophie.”
Seriously? He’s going to play father now? I rub my face, wishing this day would end already. “That’s none of your business.”
“You’re right. I have to earn that, but I never stopped loving you guys. My mistake was thinking you’d be better off without me than trying to get well so I could be with you. That’s my biggest regret, so—Luke.”
“So what are you saying, then?”
“If you love Sophie, fight for her. Do whatever’s necessary to make things right because you have to live with your choices for the rest of your life. I’d hate to see my son live with regrets like I do.” His eyes turn glassy.
Something shifts in my chest. My eyes start to burn. I grunt, then clear my throat.
I could blame weariness or the high emotions of the day, but those meticulously placed walls I’ve relied on to hold everything in are crashing down to dust at the moment.
“You don’t think I live with regret?” A mix of sarcasm and pain coats my words.
I glance back at the window out of concern for Kinsley because I’m not ready for her to hear this, then bypass the steps in a jump that lands me in front of my father.
“You want to hear the truth?” I stab my chest with my thumb. “I’m the reason Mom’s not here. I was on the starting line that night for the first time, and she didn’t want to miss it. So she rushed out of a last-minute meeting to get there.”
I turn away as a flood of tears accompany my confession.
My father rests a hand on my shoulder. I want to shrug him off, but I’m too tired and maybe a little desperate for someone to tell me a different story about that night. But I can’t change the past.
Sophie’s words slam into my head like a lifeline .
You can’t live life forward when you’re constantly looking back.
He nudges me to face him. “Life doesn’t work that way, son. Things happen in this life that we have no control over, no matter what you tell yourself. Your mother’s death wasn’t your fault. She wanted to be there because she loved you. Hold on to that—same thing regarding Sophie. Make the right choice out of your love for her. Not your fear.”
My gaze locks with his and for the first time, the weight of the guilt I’ve carried for so long seems to lighten like a heavy curtain pulled back to reveal the light of day.
Both of my father’s hands are resting on my shoulders now. He tightens his hold with an unspoken ask for permission sitting in his eyes. After a moment’s pause, I nod.
He pulls me into a hug. I stiffen at first, but then the fight drains out of me. I bury my face in his shoulder, inhaling his unfamiliar scent of clean linen and soap.
Footsteps sound from behind. I lift my head just in time to catch Kinsley rushing toward us. She wraps her arms around both of us but says nothing.
I lean over and kiss the top of her head. “Were you listening?”
She nods against me.
“I’m sorry you had to find out that way.” Raw emotion coats my voice.
“I already knew all that.”
I shake my head with my disbelief. “How?”
Kins does her typical snarky shrug. “I get what makes people tick. Seemed pretty obvious, if you ask me.”
My father…my dad splits a grin between us. “You sure you don’t want to study psychology instead?”
“Exactly,” I blurt out.
Kins splits a grin between us. “Nah, too much drama.”