Chapter 33 - Porter
The Night We Met - Lord Huron ?
M y chest feels so tight. I'm struggling to breathe and I can't shake this feeling that I've lost them both. I just want to go back to the start of everything, make different decisions and have a different outcome. Never talk to Lila to begin with. Just leave her to live her life without me. The autumn sun shining across her face made her glow. She was so peaceful, radiating innocence and joy.
Her life was destined to be one of wonder and opportunity, not cut short because of the decisions I made to bring her into my world. I had become too confident, felt so untouchable that I never saw her as a weakness. She was what made me better because I was doing it all for her and the life we were meant to have.
I feel numb and energetic at the same time. Ice cold and on fire all at once. But this feeling in my chest, this tightness … It hurts so much.
I don't feel the tears as they fall down my face, my body refusing to let me hold this in anymore. I never processed her death, the revenge I sought barely scratched the surface of the rage and sorrow I feel from everything that happened. She was meant to save me and all she's done is leave me lost in this world without her.
I'm so alone all the time.
So angry.
There’s no one that can help me.
Even Charlie walked away from me.
She said I was enough for her but I don't know how I can be when I'm not even enough for myself. I'm drowning in a world of pain and I need someone to help me, to save me. Someone to pull me to the surface and let me breathe.
I just want to breathe.
Why can't I breathe?
Gasping, I claw at the collar of my sweater trying to tug it away from my neck. Taking deep gulps of air as I feel the rising sun's warm heat on my face.
I can feel her with me.
My Lila.
She's here warming my soul, giving me another day of her, reassuring me that we are still meant to be together. That she's still a part of me. I feel her but it's not as strong today, something is wrong . It's like she's just out of reach, I can feel her so close to me but she's taken a step back.
Why is she stepping back?
How can she try and leave me now, after everything I've done, after everything I've sacrificed? Does she know I've fallen in love with Charlie? I've known it for a while, the way I instantly calm when she walks into a room. The way I feel every touch she gifts me, lighting up my skin like a storm in the middle of a summer rain.
Charlie said she won't ask me to give Lila up. She won't ask me to stop loving her. So why is she moving away from me?
“I can love you both,” I sob, “I promise I can love you both.”
A cloud moves across the horizon and for a moment the little warmth I was feeling from the sun disappears. The warmth I was feeling from her, gone. She’s leaving me. Punishing me for thinking of someone else.
Bringing both hands up to my head I claw my fingers across my scalp, the pain of my nails digging in is not enough to give me any release.
I need more pain, more punishment.
Spotting the glass pane in the rooftop door, I storm toward it, closing the short distance in little to no time; and without hesitation, I smash my fist through it over and over until my knuckles hit the concrete wall the door sits propped open against.
Each time my fist makes contact with the cold hard wall I want it to maim me, hurt me beyond repair to show her how sorry I am. Let her know I'm being punished for the decisions I made, but the sun still doesn't appear.
I'm left alone in the cold once again.
Fuck you Lila for leaving me.
Fuck you for not coming back to me.
I hate you, I hate you so fucking much.
The tears stream down my face as my thoughts punish me.
Why did you leave me?
It's because I love Charlie, isn't it?
I'm so broken Lila, I need you.
Please, I need someone to save me.
Come back to me.
I want everyone to suffer in my misery, and drown in my darkness.
Standing toward the sun again, still covered by the early morning cloud. My chest is just so tight, I can't breathe, I just want to breathe. Crashing to my knees, I don't know if I have the strength to keep going anymore.
Can I continue to live like this ?
Will I ever sacrifice enough in this lifetime so I see her again in the next? Sobbing to all the gods to save me … I just want someone to save me .
The wind has picked up and the ice cold breeze blows right through me, the light clothing I’m wearing doing nothing to stop the chill when suddenly I'm surrounded in warmth. I'm sheltered from the wind and when I open my eyes I'm blinded by sunlight, a glowing halo that's so intense it stops time and reasoning.
“Lila?”
Her name comes out in a whisper. I see her face in the light.
She's so beautiful.
She’s smiling so brightly … I'm at peace .
I feel her hand tugging mine, wrapping something around my knuckles and my pain eases. The burden I carry alleviates, and I can breathe a little easier.
My chest is lighter.
Her hand reaches out and holds my cheek, and I close my eyes letting her warmth envelop me. I knew she would come for me eventually and I relish in the comfort she brings me. The relief is almost overwhelming.
So when I open my eyes again and the light is no longer blinding me and Lila is no longer in front of me, the pain in my chest continues to dull as I realise Lila wasn't the one saving me.
It was Charlie.
Charlie, who came back for me. Charlie, whose touch ignited a fire within me and I know that Lila is okay with this. Okay with me not forgetting her, but letting me know there is enough room for the both of them. I don't have to stop loving one to be with the other. Her warm hand is still on my cheek, tears streaming down my face and I pull her into me.
Charlie.
Moye spaseniye [13]
My salvation.
I need to be closer, devour her, claw at her until she is all around me. Consume her soul so we are no longer individuals in this world but one spirit walking through life together. Her legs wrap around my waist as I collapse back onto freshly fallen snow. Sitting with her as I hold her as tight as possible. The rising sun grants us a new day, blessing us with the promise of forever, so I make a vow, here as I hold her, she's safe with me. Always safe, always protected. I won't fail again if I can just have her, love her in every way that I've wanted to love someone and have her love me with the same passion.
We both sense this thing that's between us and I feel like the weight of my past is no longer stopping me from having a future.
“Porter, it's okay. I'm here, it's okay, just breathe,” she says frazzled, trying to look at my face, but she's not close enough, I need her closer.
I can breathe when she's close.
I’m not sure how long we stay like this.
Together.
The sun is a little higher in the sky and the last snowstorm we were meant to have is all but gone.
Everything is quiet.
Calm.
Reborn.
This time when she tries to look at my face my arms loosen, allowing her to search me, her hands running over my body for some sort of reassurance.
“ Pasha ?”
The look of worry is still there as she says my real name. The only person to say it other than my brother, and it feels so right. In these moments together when it's just the two of us, the rest of the world has dropped away and it feels right for her to use that name.
“Can you call me Pasha whenever we’re alone? When it's just the two of us. I want you to use my name, my real name.”
My voice is raw and rasping as I ask her. My throat feels like there's something stuck in it, it's so hard to swallow, but I need her to use that name. I need her to see me, the real me. Tilting her head, she brings her hands across my chest and down my arms.
“Of course I can. I love your name. I … I … We should go back inside. You're cold and I need to clean your hand.”
She doesn't meet my gaze as she moves from my lap. Helping me stand, I follow her down the stairs and sit quietly in the kitchen while she tends to my wounds.
My knuckles are shredded, the blood long since dried. The room is so quiet, every small sound we make echoes across the apartment.
I can't get a read on her though. Her touches are warm and soft but her brow shows the small hint of uncertainty.
Leaving the bloodied gauze and antiseptic on the bench I guide her into the bedroom where we lie in each other's arms, her hands stroking my head with loving affection.
My eyelids are so heavy, the emotional drain of the morning catching up with me so when she whispers in my ear, “Sleep Pasha. You can rest now, we’re with you.”
I feel for the first time since I can remember that I'm not afraid of what sleep will bring, not afraid of any nightmares that I may face because I know with utter certainty that Lila is with me and she's not in any pain or suffering.
That she wants me to keep moving forward with Charlie.
That she wants me to live.