Chapter 1 - Nova
Possibility - Lykky Li
* * *
Several years earlier
“Can you tell me where we’re going yet? We’ve been driving for ages, it's getting dark out.”
The restless energy I feel is overwhelming. My first surprise party ever and my whole class is going to be there. Talk about the best birthday ever. I'm so excited I’m almost bouncing in my seat, but my mother's words flash through my head, you’re a lady, act like one. So I take a deep breath, trying to control my outward emotions. I would not want to embarrass anyone, especially my uncle. Secretly, I wish he was my dad and not my real father. He makes me feel special.
“We’re almost there, sweetie-pie. Remember you promised to act surprised when we arrive. I've been working hard on arranging everything for tonight,”
he says as he grips the steering wheel. The faint sound of the leather creaking under the pressure. “It's going to be your most memorable birthday yet.”
His words trickle down to a whisper, as though a thought he wasn't meant to share escaped him. His focus unmatched, while he stares blindly at the road in front of us.
“Uncle Tommy?”
I ask, suddenly nervous about everything this night could bring me. I assume my friends and family will be there but there's only one person I'm hoping to see tonight.
Johnny Mathers.
He's so handsome, I struggle to look him in the eye when he talks to me, instead choosing to stare at his worn shoes. He talked to me four different times last week, even walking me to my class despite his being in the opposite direction.
One of the popular girls thinks he's going to ask me out. Like, properly ask me out. She let me know he likes cherry lip gloss so I've made sure to always have a tube nearby, just in case. I showed her three of them in my school bag the next day and she laughed with her friends. It was fun to laugh along with them, even if I didn't really understand the joke. It feels like I'm finally going to be included. That all the things they talk about in the movies are going to happen to me. Starting with a real life date with Johnny Mathers. If he can see me, truly see me, then maybe my mother will see me too. Maybe, she could even love me.
I might actually vomit if he does though.
Making a mental note, I need to check if I have some gum in my bag when we stop. The last thing I need is for him to be grossed out when he tries to kiss me tonight, because he will kiss me tonight, and then everything will be perfect.
Johnny Mathers will be my first kiss, my first everything, and it takes my breath away that he picked me.
“Yeah, pumpkin?”
He grunts, bringing my whimsical thoughts to a grinding halt.
His warm hand reaches over and pats my thigh, resting it there, reassuring.
“Do you think Johnny Mathers will be at the party?”
I whisper the words so softly I'm not even sure I heard them, worried that I will jinx everything that could happen between us by attempting to say the words out loud.
“Who’s Johnny?”
He grits out, the hand on my thigh getting tighter until it hurts and I pull at it, trying to stop it bruising. Bruises are unladylike.
Releasing me, his nails drag across my skin and I look over at my favourite uncle in confusion. We’ve always been close, my Uncle Tommy and I. He loves to cuddle on the couch when we have a movie night, keeps me company when I go swimming in the pool and he gives me secret gifts.
He says he doesn't want to make my sister jealous because I'm his favourite niece, but he will buy me pretty dresses and I get to create model fashion shows for him. Sometimes we spend all afternoon in the den where he praises me and the accessories I've paired with what he's gifted.
For years we’ve had our secret games and for the most part, I enjoy the attention, but tonight he doesn't seem like his usual fun self. He's on edge, or high strung. I don't really understand the difference if I'm honest. Most of the adults in my life are that way so it's probably just the stress of the party and all the pressure that comes with it.
I had to meet him down the end of the driveway with an overnight bag packed and ready to go. He wouldn't tell me what was happening, so I kept pestering him until he finally gave in and told me. He has planned a surprise party for my eighteenth birthday and my whole class is invited. Most importantly though, he said I needed to wear a beautiful dress to celebrate in. So I picked one of his favourites, the one that makes him smile the most. The only thing I had to cross my heart, not to do, was tell anyone, or else I'd ruin the surprise. The last thing I needed was another reason for my mother to be angry at me, so I promised not to tell a soul.
She never fails to remind me how differently she would have done things when she and my father decided to have a baby. And always mentions how she would have used a surrogate like they did for my sister.
The first slight I gave my mother was that I ruined her body and every day since she has reminded me that I'm not worthy of the Davis name. I'm too short, too trusting, too meek. I will never be my sister, and even though Lizzy defends me every chance she can, she is also four years younger and doesn't truly understand the difference in how we're treated.
Uncle Tommy acts like I’m important, that I matter, and I relish in the affection he gives me when he is around. Fortunately, my Aunt Gemma comes to see her sister, my mother, as often as she can, so they're over at our house at least four times a week. Sometimes they bring my cousin but he usually sulks off with his strange friend. I tried to hang out with them once but I was promptly told to fuck off, so I usually avoid them now.
Uncle Tommy tries to sneak into my room when they come and visit. He’s the one person I can tell all of my secrets to. But even if he can't get to my room, he always seems to find me when I am alone. He tells me how beautiful I am, how special I am ... until I finally started to believe it. To crave it. I know it's silly to say but I think Uncle Tommy is the only person who loves me. If he wasn't in my life then I don't know if I would even exist, other than for Lizzy. I’m almost positive that if he thinks I’m beautiful then surely Johnny Mathers thinks the same.
“Who is Johnny, sweetie-pie?”
he asks, the strain in his voice clearer this time, almost angry. “Have you let him touch you?”
Both of his hands return to the steering wheel and there is just enough light left in the day to see his knuckles turn white. I tell my Uncle everything, but talking about my crush wasn't something I knew how to do.
“What? No!”
I haven't let anyone touch me, not that they’re lining up at my door but still, even the boys I've wanted to hold my hand, or maybe even kiss, have never come as close as Johnny.
I’ve never wanted them as much as I want him.
I'm not naive. I hear what the other kids say about what happens at parties, and even though I've never been to one, I've seen sex scenes in romance movies so it's basically the same thing. It's always so beautiful and charming and I'm positive it will be like that with Johnny, that he will make our first time special. This could even be the night we tell our children about. The night we fell in love with each other.
“Have I done something wrong? ... I’m sorry,”
I whisper, confused by his question.
Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair, the last of the light flickering through the pine tree forest we’re passing through. The car starts to slow and we pull off to a gravel road, barely visible in the darkness.
Tree trunks haunt me as we drive past them, illuminated by the headlights of the car. Pulling to a stop, he leans his head back in his seat before turning off the engine, the pitch black of the night swallowing us whole. Gasping at the dramatic change, I reach out for his arm, finding his hand as he intertwines our fingers.
“It's okay sweetie, I'm right here. Everything will be better now.”
His words are mumbled, like he’s dreaming of something unknown and I’m not sure if I’m meant to understand them.
“Where’s the party?” I ask.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand as he lazily strokes my hand in the darkness.
“A friend of mine bought this property a few years ago. There was an old fall-out shelter that was half remodelled but it has running water, a bathroom and several spaces I thought would be perfect. There are no neighbours for one hundred acres ... Only the highway we were on cuts through.”
“And we're having the party in the fall-out shelter? A bunker?”
I ask, confused.
“That's right. Everything is there ready for us.”
I can barely see the whites of his eyes in the dark, the strain of trying to see anything hurting.
“You mean everyone? Everyone is waiting for us?”
I question.
“Yes, yes, everyone. Come now, we don't want to be late. I have a big night planned.”
I feel his arm dragging across my chest, my breasts, causing me to gasp. I've never been touched there before and it makes me a little bit uncomfortable.
But it's dark, he can't see.
The click of the glove box sounds and suddenly the car interior is alight from the flashlight he's holding. Uncle Tommy is still leaning over, so close I can feel his heavy breath against my neck.
“Come on now, we should go. Get your bag from the back, I've got to carry my things and we still have a bit of a walk ahead of us.”
“Uncle Tommy?”
“Tom, you can just call me Tom now. At midnight you will be eighteen and officially an adult. You should call me Tom.”
“Okay,”
I whisper, confused by his actions, but I want to please him so I'll do my best to remember. Ladies aim to please.
My hands are sweaty and I struggle to get my bag from the back seat. Slipping from the strap twice before I grasp it tightly, not wanting to leave my things behind if everyone is planning on staying the night. A big slumber party will be the coolest way to end my birthday.
Slowly, I climb out of the car, making sure to keep touching it, keeping me safe from any monsters that lurk close by.
“Unc — Um, Tom?”
“Yeah, sweetie-pie?”
“Can you stay close? I'm still afraid of the dark.”
The creak of the trees gently swaying in the breeze is like a thing from nightmares and I look to the sky, trying to find the moon but am instead greeted by the haunting view of nothing. The tree trunks fade into black until it looks like they are climbing over one another to glare at me, laughing at how I am a pawn in their game as they hide the light of the moon. A shiver runs down my spine as I try to control my breathing, taking Uncle Tommy's hand when he reaches for me.
“From now on, Nova, I'll never have to be apart from you.”