Anthony
ANTHONY
“TELL ME WHAT’S on your mind.”
My eyes had been focused on the pool in the backyard. It was unimaginable that I still found any type of peace from water when I knew how destructive it was, but it still held me entranced.
“Does something have to be?”
I smiled at my brother happy to be with him tonight.
I’d brought Aphrodite over to meet Rye and spend time with the family.
It was our normal Sunday dinner and the first one I’d been a part of since I’d gotten back.
I’d wanted to have her to myself for a while but finally gave him to Rye’s threats of kicking me in the ankle if I didn’t bring her today.
“If you’re out here wanting to talk to me I would think there’s something.”
“I think I’m in love.”
“You think or you know, Ant?”
I looked out over the backyard of my brother’s house and I knew what I needed to say. “I know I love her.”
“So where is the fear coming from?”
I jerked back cause ain’t nobody said anything about being afraid. “Fear?”
“The fear that you seem to hold on to when you speak with hesitancy about something we both know is a fact.” He was leaning against a column that led to the back and waited for my response.
Choo was dressed down, which I appreciated.
If he’d gotten all fancy to meet Aphrodite she wound’ve felt even more put on the spot.
As it was Grams and Rye had snatched her up and shooed me away and last I saw her she was carrying baby Nia with a smile on her face.
And damn, she looked good as fuck holding a baby.
I filled in the blanks about what he was hinting at. “My love and being in love with AP.”
He pointed at me and nodded his head. “That.”
“Well dang, bruh, you gone say anything else to me?”
“I want you to tell me what’s on your heart.”
“I love her. It’s a deep, profound, unnerving kinda love.”
“So what’s wrong? You happy right? Y’all been good despite the bullshit folks trying to put on you.”
I nodded because this week I’d confided in him about my frustrations with all the media shit. “I’m so happy and I think that’s what I’m scared of. The fact that I’m so happy. The fact that I would do anything for this girl and I’on’t want to end up like—”
“You’re worried about this enveloping you like it did our people.”
“Yeah. I don’t know how I can’t help but have my mind turn to that. Like what if the madness that Jill feels for that nigga is hereditary?”
“You think that?”
“I hope not. I see you with Rye and I know how crazy you are about her. But you seem fine. Like you not neglecting Annia for her. Hell, you just as crazy about your daughter as you are your wife.”
“But…” Antwan motioned with his hand for me to hurry up.
“But what if I’m the one who ends up with the fucked up genes? What if I’m weak like Jill’s ass?”
“You believe that, Ant?” His face was frowned up and I knew he was going to do the brother thing again if I didn’t give him the answer he wanted.
“Nah. I want to think that I’m strong as hell. But I’ve fallen victim to bullshit before. Let myself get conned into fucking up my own future and it was nothing for me to do it. I thought I was doing the right thing but—”
He stood up straight and I knew I’d said too much. “The right thing?”
I waved him off and after a minute he relaxed against the column again.
“It’s nothing. I just don’t want to fuck this up. She’s already had the short end of the stick with her people and I don’t want to add to that. A nigga has bruised her before and I don’t want to be the one that ruins her.”
I ran a hand down my face feeling the weight of what was going on in my brain. I felt like I was in a constant battle with myself not to fuck up. Self-doubt was the underlying current whenever I was with Aphrodite and I was doing everything I could to shake it off. It wasn’t working.
“Bruh, come back in the house so we can work this out. You look so stressed out that you got me ready to drink and shit.”
Antwan waved me on and we walked back to the house and into the section that was designated as his man cave.
It was where he could come and watch film without disturbing Rye or Nia or Grams. My brother was surrounded by women and for someone who hadn’t trusted women before, he had fallen into the arrangement with ease.
We entered the room and I leaned against the bar while he went behind it and grabbed two glasses. I had another confession to make to him but it was one that would lighten the mood.
“I enrolled in school.”
He looked up from where he splashed two rocks glasses with a shot of Prism vodka. “Say word?”
His grin was wide and I nodded because even I was excited about getting back into school.
My former university had been gracious to let me enroll in one course for now and I planned to take more in the spring.
I might have football now, but that didn’t mean it was always going to be here.
I needed to provide for myself and now for Aphrodite.
And I hated to start something and not finish it.
Earning my degree represented a lot to me.
“Yeah. I’m not taking a lot of classes right now just the ones I know I can handle with work and stuff.”
“That’s big shit! Why you ain’t say nothing?” Antwan slid the glass across the bar top and I took it and lifted it in the air in thanks.
“Because I didn’t know how you would take it.”
“What you thought I’d be mad?”
“I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t taking this opportunity with the Desperados seriously.”
Twan’s brows dipped and I could almost hear the way he was about to cuss me out.
“Ant, I’m not Jillana’s ass. I worry far more about your damn brain than whatever you do on the field.
Do I want you to succeed? Hell yeah, because you've got the raw talent to be even better than the original man who made the number 21 great. But I worry more about you as a person and whether you’re feeding your passions.
If football ain’t it then you go back to school and find out what is.
I know that Greek ain’t over here trying to say nothing out the way. ”
“Greek?” Who the fuck was this nigga talking about?
“Yeah, your girl.” He’d been serious for so long today I forgot his ass was a fool.
“She don’t even like being famous. Hates that I don’t let her pay for anything and tries her best to take care of me the way I do her.” I felt a smile growing on my face the more I talked about Aphrodite. Bringing her up made me want to see what she was up to.
“I can see that about her. She been in the spotlight her whole life. I’d be tired of that shit too if I were her.”
The man cave had all of Antwan’s jerseys from high school to now. His trophies and awards were displayed and his Super Bowl rings were in locked cases. His Super Bowl MVP was in the center and I knew he wanted to get back to the championship and go for another one.
I took a deep breath and got to the last thing I needed to talk to Antwan about. “I got you something.”
He rolled his eyes like I’d called his ass broke. “Bruh, I thought we talked about this mane. Ain’t no need fuh you to spend ya’ money on me, Ant.”
“It ain’t like that I promise.”
I held out my hand with the envelope in it and he was looking at me like I was a process server trying to get him for child support.
“The fuck is this, Ant?”
“It’s good I promise.”
He snatched the envelope out of my hand and tore it open before he scanned the contents. When he didn’t say anything for a minute I started to get nervous that something was wrong.
“Ant, what is this?” His voice was tight as fuck and I didn’t understand why he looked angry.
“It’s the first payment I’m making to repay the money you put out for my living expenses at LSU. I know how much shit was costing and since I fucked up and played around, you shouldn’t have to take that loss.”
He put the check back in the envelope his face getting tighter and slid it back toward me. “Anthony, I’on’t want your money.”
I left that shit on the counter because we had similar temperaments and he was about to piss me off. “I know you don’t.”
“I did that shit to look out for you. Have I ever wanted anything for looking out for you?” That nigga had his finger pointing at my face and even though he wasn’t close to me, it felt disrespectful as hell.
“No, but maybe it’s time that you do.” I folded my arms across my chest angrily matching his aggression.
“What that mean, man?” I could tell he was doing his best to keep himself calm but my words were going to send him over the edge.
“You think I don’t remember but I do. Little as I was I remembered. The water. How you made sure I was fed—”
He stood up straight like talking about this had spooked him.
The anniversary was coming up soon and we both got fucked up around that time of year.
’Twan would shut himself away and I would drink myself into a stupor so the nightmares didn’t keep too hard a grip on me.
We both needed to do better about how we coped but that survivor’s guilt was a hell of a paralytic.
“Anthony, man, you ain’t gotta—”
I slammed my hand on the countertop ‘cause our emotions were too high to turn back from this conversation now.
“NO! I do. Our fucking mama and daddy left us. TO FUCKING DIE, ‘TWAN. You fucking put me on your back and climbed fucking trees as the water got higher and the bodies floated by. I remember that shit. And through it all I kept hearing you say, ‘Just hold on, bruh. We gone be good. It’s gone be okay’. And I believed it because I knew you’d never lie to me.
You went through hell to make sure I lived.
And you think some fucking MONEY is too much?
I owe you my fucking life, Antwan. My fucking LIFE! ”