Chapter 2 #2
He knew Fray was in the water, in freeform, and it would be so easy to join him.
God, how he wanted to.
But he just... couldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
When they were in freeform, they could hear the thoughts and feel the emotions of those around them. It was a primal thing, a way of communicating, an evolutionary trait for survival for their kind.
Sure, they could mask it if they had to, but not without concerted effort. And Tobin was too distracted right now to even try. He had no hope of hiding anything right now. He couldn’t risk it.
He couldn’t even hide it from himself. What hopes did he have of hiding from others? Especially Fray. Tobin knew the second he saw him, it would break him apart, and the truth would come flooding out.
So no, hitting the water right now would be a mistake.
He quickly hauled the last crate of supplies over to Otis’s store, mumbled through some small talk, then hauled his arse back to his house. He ignored the pull of the water, the pull of Fray, and began stripping his bed.
The last thing he needed was a woman’s scent on his sheets. He’d hoped it would distract him, but nope. It made him nauseous.
It felt so horribly wrong.
There was only one scent he wanted now. And he’d be damned if he let himself have it.
As he bundled the sheets and remade his bed with a clean set, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Kellan had said. What he had been about to say...
That this wasn’t new to Fray. That he was familiar with this... thing.
“Fray won’t recognise any newfound draw to you. Not right away. Because he’s been where you’re at for some time now.”
That’s what he’d said.
What the fuck did that even mean?
And why did it burn behind Tobin’s sternum? Why did it hurt him, cause actual physical pain, even thinking of him?
He had his hand pressed to his chest when Kellan’s face appeared at the door. “Hey,” he said, then frowned when taking in Tobin’s grimace. “That bad, huh?”
“I need it to stop,” Tobin said weakly.
“Well, there is one way to make it stop. Right now, if you want.”
Tobin knew what Kellan meant, what he was implying.
That the pain would stop if he completed the bond.
It made Tobin groan, his head back, hands in his hair.
“But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Then everything will be rosy and perfect when it very clearly fucking isn’t.
I don’t want to be stupidly oblivious to this reality. ”
“The reality of what? Being bonded to one of your best friends? We should all be so lucky,” Kellan said. “Would you prefer it be some stranger, like it was for Ciaran?”
“Probably, yes.” Then Tobin sighed, frustrated and confused. “I’ve known him for years! Almost my entire life. If I didn’t have feelings for him before, didn’t want him before this—not like this, anyhow—how can this be legitimate?”
“Tobin,” Kellan said gently. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never had feelings for him?”
The pain in Tobin’s core now burned with indignation that tasted a little too like guilt and denial. He couldn’t answer, and from the way Kellan nodded, Tobin didn’t need to.
“Ciaran’s coming to talk to you,” Kellan added quietly. “Before he gets here, I’ll say this. You need to speak to Fraser.”
Tobin opened his mouth to speak, but Kellan put his hand up. “You need to talk to him. You need to be a freaking grownup. Both of you. Fray included,” he said. “This has gone on long enough.”
What?
“What’s gone on long enough? It’s been a few days, and I wasn’t here for half of it.
The ache,” Tobin said, his palm finding his sternum once more.
“Christ. What do you mean it’s gone on long enough?
And what did you mean when you said he’s been where I’m at for a while?
What the hell does that mean? I don’t have the bandwidth for games right now. Fuck.”
Kellan sighed. “It’s not my secret to tell. Talk to him. Please.”
And then, of course, Ciaran knocked on the open door, his expression concerned, his smile strained. He nodded at Kellan first, then his eyes met Tobin’s. “Hey. You got a sec?”
Tobin tried to look behind him. “Sawyer not with you?”
Ciaran’s gaze hardened, and his jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth. “If you have a problem with him, you need to—”
“He doesn’t,” Kellan said flatly. “His problem isn’t Sawyer, and it’s not you, Ciaran. Tobin’s problem is—”
“None of anyone’s fucking business,” Tobin cried.
Ciaran stepped closer. “It is my fucking business. You’re part of this consortium—”
“Oh, you wanna be the leader now? The fuck have you been this last week?” Tobin shot back and regretted it immediately. He groaned out a sigh and ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck! Sorry. I didn’t mean... sorry.”
Ciaran was quiet for a long beat. “It’s okay. Probably fair. I haven’t been the best leader lately. You’re hurting, and I want to help.”
“You can’t help,” Tobin mumbled.
“You need to go freeform,” Ciaran said gently. “I’ll go with you.”
Tobin shook his head. “No. I can’t. Not here. I... just can’t.”
Confusion crossed Ciaran’s face, but, to his credit, he didn’t push. “Then we’ll go somewhere else. We’ll take the boat out a distance, and—”
Tobin raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re gonna leave Sawyer?”
Ciaran grimaced and huffed out a breath as if the thought alone twisted something inside him. And that was Tobin’s entire fucking point. He turned to Kellan. “See?”
“I will,” Ciaran said quickly. “I’ll endure it. For you, Tobin. If you need that from me, then that’s what I’ll give.”
Ugh.
Tobin ran his hand through his hair again, exasperated. “I don’t want you to give up anything for me,” he said. “Jesus, Ciar. I don’t want you to have to choose. I don’t want you to leave Sawyer when it fucking burns right here.”
He needed to push the heel of his hand to his sternum, a movement Ciaran did not miss. A movement he knew, that he understood. “Tobin,” he murmured.
Tobin turned to face the wall, still pressing his hand to his chest. “Fuck.”
“It’s the beginning of the bonding ritual,” Kellan said, explaining to Ciaran because Tobin clearly couldn’t bring himself to say those words out loud.
“What?” Ciaran asked, a smile quickly replacing the shock on his face. “The bond? With whom?”
Tobin let out a tortured sound, still unable to say it out loud.
“Fray,” Kellan replied.
Ciaran’s whole face lit up, his smile now a grin. “That’s awesome! Oh, Tobes, Fray is—”
“It’s not awesome,” Tobin snapped, throwing his hands up. “It’s not— I don’t want this. I don’t want any of— fuck!”
The light faded from Ciaran’s face along with his smile. “Oh.” He swallowed hard, his gaze going to Kellan. “Oh. Then that’s... that’s not good.”
Kellan shook his head. “No.”
“See?” Tobin said, his eyes burning with the tears he absolutely did not want to cry.
“This is so fucking bad. No one wins here. There is no scenario that ends well. I don’t want this.
I don’t want to be tied to someone when it’s not my choice, but what fucking choice do I have?
I’m just supposed to leave to stop the bond process?
What kind of choice is that? I don’t want to leave.
I can’t leave. This is my home. This is the only family I’ve ever known.
So my choices are give up everything and move somewhere else, or cause a rift between us all because fuck knows there’s gonna be opinions, and Fray.
... I don’t want to hurt him. Hurting him is the last thing I want. Fuck.”
Ciaran’s face was a mask of sadness. “He can’t know,” he said quietly. “If you don’t want this, if that’s your final decision, then he can’t ever know. It would—” He stopped short on finishing that line of thought.
Tobin waited. “It would what?”
Ciaran’s eyes flashed with something that looked an awful lot like pain. “It would kill him.”
Those words hit Tobin like a fucking sledgehammer, right in the middle of his chest. “Oh, great,” he said, his eyes and nose burning with tears. With his hand still pressed to his sternum, he turned to Kellan. “See? So what fucking choice do I have?”
No one said anything for a few long drawn-out moments. All Tobin wanted to do was fucking cry, and from the look on Ciaran’s and Kellan’s faces, they felt the same.
“I can’t change the way you feel,” Ciaran murmured.
He looked utterly fucking devastated, and that just made Tobin feel worse.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want you to leave.
Not now, not ever. I can’t imagine the Cove without you.
I can’t imagine our consortium without you.
Your reasons for not wanting a bond with Fray are your own, and you’re entitled to feel however you want. I just wish...” He shrugged.
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” Ciaran replied softly.
He looked out the window to the misty water, chewing on his bottom lip.
“For what it’s worth, I didn’t want to be bonded either.
Not to anyone, least of all a human. But I can tell you, Tobes, honestly, it’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
I can’t describe it. There just aren’t the words, not in any language.
I know you think it’s fake, or whatever.
And I get that. I thought the same thing.
Like, how can it be real or true when it’s not your choice?
I get that. I really do. But the feelings?
They’re real. The love? It’s real. I don’t know how else to explain it other than it’s a kind of magic that heals something inside you that you didn’t even know needed healing.
” He winced and kind of laughed at himself. “Sounds ridiculous, I know.”
Tobin wasn’t sure what to say to that.
He wasn’t even sure what to think. He was so freaking confused.
“Sounds kinda great,” Kellan said wistfully. He shrugged. “But I do get your concerns, Tobin. I do. And the fact that you’re questioning it tells me your reasoning comes from a good place. We know you don’t want to hurt him, but that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t justified.”
“So what’s the answer?” Tobin asked. He gestured to each of them in turn as he said, “I’ve got Kellan telling me I need to talk to him, and Ciaran, you’re telling me not to tell him. So which is it?”
They couldn’t answer.
“See? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. How fucked up is that?”
“You need to swim,” Ciaran said. “Go freeform. It won’t give you answers, but it will make you feel better, at least.”
Tobin knew he was right, but....
“I’ll go with you,” Kellan offered.
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“You need a friend,” Kellan said, eyes narrowed. “And if you’re going out off the continental shelf, you’re not going alone.”
Ugh.
Tobin had almost forgotten about the whole impending threat looming over them.
“Go to the hut,” Ciaran suggested.
“Does it still reek of sex?” Tobin asked.
Ciaran grimaced. “Uh, probably... sorry.”
Tobin rolled his eyes.
God, everything was so fucked up.
Ciaran looked around Tobin’s small room. “Speaking of... that. Um... your visitor—”
“I didn’t have sex with her,” Tobin said.
He was still mad at himself for that. “Not for the lack of want on her behalf, I might add. But no, apparently I no longer want any... physical activities with anyone else except... someone who I don’t want to have physical relations with.
” He ran his hands through his hair and let his head drop back with a sigh. “Jesus, this is so fucked up.”
Ciaran winced again and eyed the door. “Uh. I should get... I need to...”
He needed to get back to Sawyer.
“Yeah, go,” Tobin said.
“I’m sorry,” Ciaran replied. “It’s getting better, but it’s small steps.”
Tobin stared at him. “And you’re okay with that? With what it’s done to you?”
Ciaran met his gaze with nothing but fire and honesty in his eyes. “I wouldn’t change it even if I could.”
The faint chatter of voices interrupted them, and the three of them turned.
It was Fray and Sawyer. Through the window, they could see them chatting.
Sawyer clearly needed to be closer to wherever Ciaran was.
And Fray, wearing only shorts, his hair dripping wet, water running down his long lean body, rivulets streaming along the hills and valleys of muscle that Tobin longed to touch—
No.
Nope. Not going there.
“I need to leave,” Tobin bit out.
“He’s out of the water,” Kellan said. “That means you can get in.”
That meant Fray couldn’t hear or feel the turmoil threatening Tobin’s sanity. His secret would be safe. “Good,” Tobin whispered, already toeing out of his shoes and peeling off his shirt. He walked straight out the door, across the narrow pier, and was in freeform before he even hit the water.