Chapter 5 #2
“I feel it again,” he whispered through his tears. He wanted to drown in this feeling, in this heaven. He wanted to crawl into whatever this was and never leave. “Please don’t take it—”
Then it was gone again, hitting Fray like a blow to his chest. “Ugh, fuck,” Fray gasped. He let his head fall onto Tobin’s shoulder. Being this close to him, having Tobin’s arm around Fray’s shoulder, made it better—and also so, so much worse.
“What am I doing to him?” Tobin asked, voice frantic. “Kellan, make it stop.”
“I can’t,” Kellan said. “It’s not up to me.”
“So there’s no choice, no alternative,” Tobin whispered.
“I’m sorry,” Fray said. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Tobin’s either. He didn’t want this, and that was his right. As much as it hurt, as much as this would change Fray, irrevocably alter him.... Fuck, could this actually kill him? Is that what this was?
A slow fucking death?
Fray could barely catch his breath. “Feel like I’m dying.”
The door opened with a bang, and Ciaran stormed in. “Get him into the water, now,” he ordered, walking over to the bed. He hauled Fray and Tobin to their feet, and Tobin had to catch Fray before he slumped to the floor. “Now, Tobin. Get him in the fucking water. Now!”
“But then he’ll—”
“I’m not asking,” Ciaran barked. “It’s a fucking order.”
Fray looked up at Ciaran, his best friend in the world, the leader of this mismatched group of cephamorphs. He’d never ordered anyone in their consortium to do anything before, but there was nothing but fury and steel in his eyes now. He’d never looked so serious, so determined.
“It’s okay, Fray,” Ciaran murmured. “You’ll be okay. You both will be, I promise.”
He pulled Fray’s T-shirt off over his head, and Tobin tried to protest that, but Ciaran wasn’t having it. He was mumbling something about stubborn idiots and pushed Tobin and Fray toward the door. Literally, physically, shoved them out the door, off the pier, and into the water.
It was a relief Fray couldn’t quite explain. The way the water felt, the liquid caress, the cold. Morphing into freeform, the tension, and the pain from just moments ago, was gone.
His air sacs heaved with relief, and then he felt it again. That overwhelming source of pure peace was right behind him.
He spun around to see Tobin. His skin shimmered fantastic shades of green against the glittering dark water, his eyes wide and filled with fear. Fray could feel everything Tobin was feeling, and it was so overwhelming.
Fear, mostly. But beneath that, in layers vast and deep, was love and peace, excitement, awe, confusion, joy and wonder.
Fray instinctively reached for him, sliding his long arm over to Tobin and slowly wrapping it around his arm, their joined tentacles a coil of blue and green.
Talk to me, Tobin. What are you afraid of? I can feel it.
Tobin blinked slowly, his eyes downcast and sad. You.
You’re afraid of me?
No. Yes. I’m scared of... everything.
Fray didn’t understand. The Tobin he knew never showed an ounce of fear. He never showed an ounce of any emotion, Fray reasoned. In all the years he’d known him, Tobin had been a wall...
And then Fray got it.
He was a wall. The reason Fray couldn’t feel anything coming from Tobin in human form was because Tobin had surrounded himself with walls. He was boxed in, hiding his emotions, his true self.
Tobin tried to pull his arm free, frantic and frightened. That’s why, Fray. Don’t you see now? I can’t do this. I won’t let you...
Fray held on fast, sliding another tentacle around Tobin’s, then another and another. Won’t let me what? See the real you? Is that what you’re afraid of? Being vulnerable and honest? Tobin, it’s okay—
It’s not okay. How is this okay? You deserve—
He tried to pull his arms free again, but Fray held on tight.
Let me go, Fray.
I deserve what, Tobin? What do I deserve? To be shut out? To be lied to? To have my mate reject me?
Tobin’s eyes went wide, and he stopped struggling, stopped fighting.
Better. You deserve better.
Tobes...
Don’t, Fray. You are sunshine and laughter and everything that’s good, and I... I am...
Fray slowly unwound his hold on Tobin’s arms, and then he took a moment to study him. He could feel how sorry he was, how sad, how unworthy. And Fray couldn’t help the surge of anger that bubbled up inside him.
Tobin’s eyes shot to his, and Fray shoved Tobin, hard.
I’ll tell you what you are, Tobin Tiller. You are an idiot.
Tobin blinked. What?
You’re an idiot. And a fool.
Fray couldn’t help it. He was so frustrated and indignant, he shoved Tobin again. And you’re selfish and mean. You’re an arsehole and a jerk, and you’re so frustrating, by the fucking gods, Tobin, I swear.
He blinked, and even his mental voice was quiet. Oh. Okay. I mean, sure...
How dare you, Fray said, shoving him with two arms. How fucking dare you take it upon yourself to assume what is good for me without once taking into consideration what I want or how I feel.
All because you’re insecure and scared. I have been in love with you for years.
Years, Tobin. How do you think that makes me feel?
How do you think I felt when you brought that human girl to your place?
What was that, by the way? You trying to tell me you’d choose her willingly over me? Because what the fuck?
Tobin slow blinked, confusion and shock rippling out of him. What?
Was it not bad enough that you broke my hearts?
But then you realised you were bonding with me—that fate chose me for you—so you just took it upon yourself to decide to reject it.
You’d just up and leave without telling me, leaving me to fucking suffer, Tobin?
Did you not realise that bonds go both ways?
That I would feel the strain, the physical fucking pain, and you didn’t have the balls to tell me?
I didn’t.... I couldn’t. I was a coward, and I’m sorry. But don’t you see? That’s why you deserve better. Someone who—
Fray growled in frustration and anger, his blue skin getting more vibrant and his urge to release the electrical energy almost too strong to contain.
Do it, Tobin told him. I deserve it.
I should.
I’m sorry, Fray. I never meant to hurt you. I thought leaving was the right thing to do. Ciaran said I shouldn’t—
He what?
Tobin’s eyes went wide. Oh, crap.
Ciaran said what?
That I shouldn’t tell you. About the bond.
Fray’s colour was getting even more vibrantly blue, the electrical current buzzing beneath his skin. He fucking what? He knew about it?
No, no, it’s not like that. I told him I was leaving.
I said I didn’t want the bond, and he said if I truly didn’t want it, I shouldn’t tell you because it would kill you.
He said it would kill you if you found out I didn’t want it.
He was trying to protect you, I guess. And me too.
I know you’re close, but as our leader, he had to do what’s best for both of us, and I put him in a terrible position.
I’m sorry, Fray. It’s my fault. Don’t blame him.
Fray wasn’t mollified. Well, okay he was a little bit. That made sense... but still. Ciaran knew. Ciaran knew how Fray felt about Tobin, he’d known for years, and he’d said nothing.
For years?
Fray stared at him. You heard all that?
Tobin shrugged apologetically. Sorry. I guess the fact that we’re touching makes the telepathy thing clearer....
Fray unwound his arms from Tobin’s and was hit with Tobin’s feelings of loss and regret. Two of his arms twitched, and there were only two words Fray heard, loud and clear.
Want.
Need.
You want me to keep touching you?
Please.
Tobin looked as sad and sorry as his emotions portrayed, and Fray knew he was still conflicted. Still torn, and damn if that didn’t sting.
But he slid one tentacle around Tobin’s, then another, and another, and Tobin was quick to wind them tighter, to pull him closer. It made Fray’s hearts thrum, and he could feel the relief course through Tobin.
Sorry.
Don’t apologise, Fray told him. I can feel what you’re feeling much easier in freeform than human.
I guess that’s why Ciaran dumped us into the water.
Fray chuckled. True. But he’s still not forgiven.
Fray was scared to hope, but he felt for a flickering moment that Tobin might actually want this.
I do, Tobin thought, the words abrupt and unbidden, and from the way he flinched and the wave of regret that Fray felt, he knew Tobin hadn’t meant to think it.
But he had thought it.
Tobin, Fray murmured.
His eyes were wide, sad yet hopeful. Fray could feel Tobin’s pulse quicken, his hearts thumping, and oh boy, the emotions.
... Fear and hope in equal measure. Ciaran said you wouldn’t feel the bond initially because it was no different, and I didn’t understand at first, and my head was all messed up.
I get all up in my head sometimes, and I didn’t want to see the truth.
I told myself I couldn’t go through with it, that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who would love you the right way, and I don’t know if I could ever be good enough.
You are, Tobin.
Then I learned that you’ve loved me for years. That’s what Ciaran meant.
Did you not know? Did you honestly not know?
Shame pooled from Tobin. Maybe... Maybe I... I pretended I didn’t. I don’t know.
What are you afraid of?
Tobin blinked and the fear and adrenaline radiated out of him. Not being enough. Not being good enough. Getting my hearts broken and being alone. Being abandoned. Having to leave the Cove. Losing my family. I’m not brave enough.
Oh, Tobin. Fray’s tentacles coiled tighter until their foreheads pressed together. Fray hoped Tobin could feel the surge of love he felt and how sorry he was that he’d never shared these fears with anyone. You don’t have to be alone anymore.
You... you love me... without the bond.
Fray could feel his hope, his excitement, his daring to believe.