BAY #15
"You know, maybe I think Alex is out of my league and I could never move up from being his friend to being his boyfriend, maybe that’s why I never tried to ask him out?"
The moment I say it, I realize what a huge mistake I’ve made and how stupid that was. Dereck stares at me like I’m an idiot, obviously what I said makes absolutely no sense to him.
Alex lifts his head too, his eyes turning toward me, but I keep mine locked on Dereck’s face, terrified of what I might see in Alex’s.
"Never mind," I try to back out of it, "I’m just saying nonsense, because the truth is that it’s nobody’s business what kind of relationship Alex and I have," I mutter this while shoving in the last bites of my chicken salad.
A heavy silence falls over the table, and only after a moment does Dereck switch the subject to something else, something about the end-of-year ceremony where I’m supposed to perform, and he’s also in the band.
I grab onto the new topic with relief. But I know perfectly well that Alex is still silent and that his mind must be spinning with all the thoughts that were swirling in mine just moments ago. What are we to each other? Why did I dodge the answer?
When lunch break ends and we go our separate ways to class, I still don’t know how to act or what will happen if Alex wants to continue this conversation after school. It’s Friday after all, and we planned to go to my home.
After classes we head out together toward my dad’s car, but we only talk about harmless, random things. Still, I feel it in the air, that shift in his energy, and I know Alex has been thinking about my conversation with Dereck the entire time.
In the car we keep talking about casual topics.
My dad asks Alex about his summer plans.
Alex says he doesn’t have any for now, his dad works constantly and can’t take a longer vacation.
So my dad inquires if he might want to come with me, Rain, and Skye to Uncle Van’s place, to visit my cousins.
My uncle has a cabin in the woods by a lake, and he often hosts us or the rest of the cousins, of which I have many.
Alex gives a diplomatic answer, that he’d have to ask his dad first, and my dad encourages him to do that because the forest is beautiful, with great rock formations, hiking trails, and viewpoints nearby.
When we get home the strange quiet between me and Alex doesn’t go away. We were supposed to record a backing track for one of my new covers, but when we enter my room Alex sits down on the edge of the bed and I can tell immediately… the conversation is coming.
Maybe it’s better to face it head-on?
So I walk up to him and unexpectedly sink to my knees on the floor beside him. I lift my face and our eyes meet.
"Are you mad at me? For what I said to Dereck?"
Alex blinks as if surprised, maybe he didn’t expect such a direct approach.
He bites his lip.
"Why would I be mad at you? Everyone has the right to describe things to others the way they see them, even if it isn’t the truth." Wow, sounds so… cautious.
A moment of silence stretches between us. I break down what he just said, and the meaning hits me. He thinks I simply said something that isn’t true, but he doesn’t hold it against me. Did I understand that correctly? Is that good? I’m terrified of digging deeper because I know where it might lead.
His small fingers tighten around his inhaler, and I see he is having trouble getting his next breath, so he takes a dose of his medication.
Then suddenly he says, "I’d like to know the answer to that question too. What are we to each other, Bay?"
Wow. There it is. It had to happen eventually, didn’t it? Why am I still not ready after a whole year?
"We’re best friends," I whisper, barely audible, lowering my head a little and staring at his hands clasped together on his knees, gripping the inhaler like a lifeline. I know this is stalling again. Damn it.
"I know that," he says softly, "but I want you to know that I like you a lot, and I would want…"
As he speaks I realize he is about to say it, that he wants something more, and I can’t let that happen. I cannot let those words be spoken!
"I like you a lot too and I really value our friendship, Alex!
" I cut in, "The truth is I know how things can go when people try to turn a friendship into a relationship, and it very often ends with… the end of that friendship, and when it fails they can’t fix the relationship or the friendship, and…
your friendship is so incredibly important to me," I ramble it almost pleadingly, my eyes begging him to end the conversation right there.
Alex’s amethyst eyes meet mine with something that feels like sad resignation, an understanding that I won’t let whatever is between us shift or move any further.
Before, I was honestly convinced he was planning to negotiate, maybe try to change my mind, try to talk me out of this, but I’m proven absolutely wrong. I guess he correctly senses how desperate I am to keep things exactly as they are.
Alex nods slowly and says quietly,
"You’re right, this happens a lot. Even my dad went through something like that.
I talked to him about it recently. Years ago he met a guy he became really close with, they understood each other so well, everything was going great, and then one day something more happened between them.
And it was a mistake. Soon after that my dad lost a long-time friend, because it wasn’t the right path for them.
They couldn’t handle the new closeness."
"You talked to your dad about us?" I ask softly, dropping my gaze from his face to his hands, still tightly clenched around his inhaler. He has light blue nail polish on his nails.
"Yes. Dad asked me many times if something was going on between us. He probably feared that… you know, something might be happening when we lock ourselves in your room." Alex blushes intensely as he says it.
"But I told him there’s nothing like that happening, and I think it was hard for him to believe, because he kept bringing it up from time to time, asking if I was hiding anything, asking me to be completely honest with him.
I think he even talked to your dad once about it to see if your parents had any suspicions, but they just confirmed my words. "
I stay quiet, shocked, because I realize our relationship is no longer just between me and Alex. It has become a widely discussed topic between several people.
I feel strange about it, a bit foolish even, but what could I possibly say?
Alex watches me and adds in a careful tone,
"Even recently we talked about it and Dad told me that it’s actually not a bad thing that we understand each other so well as friends, that we’re support for each other, and that it could all change if…" Alex makes a small gesture in the air between us, "you know. If something more happened."
I swallow and speak through a tight throat,
"Yes. That’s what I’m afraid of, and I don’t want that to happen, ever."
Alex nods and suddenly we have some kind of understanding between us, a silent agreement to continue the status quo.
But the problem is, I know, I just know, why he said it that way.
Alex doesn’t want to risk being rejected and creating an awkward situation between us.
He prefers to pretend that we keep this distance because we care so much about staying best friends, but I can feel it in my bones, that’s not everything he actually wants.
And in the very next sentence he proves it.
"But you know, just to be clear, I don’t think I’m above your league. If anything it’s the opposite, you’re the hottest guy in the whole school. Believe me, I see how all the omegas stare at you."
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, fighting a wave of panic.
"I am not. Stop saying that!"
My voice cracks slightly as I throw the words out.
Something like a faint frown or a hint of impatience passes across Alex’s face.
"I don’t get why you think that way about yourself, why you have such low self-worth. You’re talented, and really handsome…"
His words hit something inside me that refuses to accept them. I get up abruptly and walk to the window, muttering under my breath,
"I’m garbage."
Alex bolts up and rushes to me.
His slender fingers settle on my shoulder and I feel that light, unbearably pleasant shiver that always washes over me when he touches me.
It doesn’t happen often, usually by accident, a brush of a hand, our shoulders bumping, but every time it’s like I’m skimming the edge of heaven. My breath catches in my chest.
I look at him, blinking, feeling soft pearly bubbles rising inside me as if they lift me off the ground for a moment. My Fate, what would happen if I hugged him? If I pulled his small body into mine? I’d probably float away, explode into pink glitter.
But I force myself back down to earth. I look into Alex’s eyes. They’re filled with tears and with an absolute protest against my words. He tightens his grip on my forearm and gives me a little shake, like he wants to rattle the stupid thoughts out of me.
"Don’t ever say that. I forbid you to say that. It’s absolutely nothing like the truth, because you are smart and good and wonderful and caring and talented and beautiful."
He says it with so much passion, so much conviction, and I know he means it, but… he doesn’t know my truth. A year ago I let myself die, I let myself fall, and I don’t want to get up, because getting up would mean facing my inner demons, really facing them, and I’m not ready for that.
I stare at Alex’s sweet face, at those big eyes looking at me with such devotion, trying to convince me, trying to save me from myself, and I realize that if there is anyone in this world who could save me… it’s Alex.
But first I would have to want to be saved.
So I only smile a little and say lightly,
"You’re the best friend anyone could ever have, Alex. I love you, you know?"