BAY #16
Alex flinches slightly, like my words hit him in a way he wasn’t ready for, even though I said them in the casual tone friends sometimes use. I see the shock ripple through him like a wave.
"You love me?" he whispers in disbelief.
His disbelief makes me strangely sad. I smile, tilt my head, raise my hand and touch his cheek with infinite gentleness. He closes his eyes.
"Of course I do, silly. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world. It’s as natural as breathing. I’ll always love you, remember that, okay?" I keep my tone light, as if those weren’t huge words but something all friends say, even though there’s a much deeper truth underneath.
Alex stares at me for a moment, as it sinks in, as he gets it too, the secrets under the surface, the unspoken things, the subtle play between us like light and shadows across a still lake. Then he says quietly, matching my ‘just friends’ game, "Thanks. I love you too, you know? You’re great."
I let myself smile wide, easy, a little fake of course. Then I tap the tip of his small nose with my finger.
"And now we get to work." I wink at him and head toward my guitar. I feel Alex’s gaze on my back and I feel the heavy, almost physically tangible sense of regret filling the room, regret that we can’t be anything more, and I know it’s going to follow us like a curse from now on.
◆◆◆
The end of the year and the Award Ceremony are my first official performance with the school band, I play guitar and sing as the lead vocalist, and for the intro I’m supposed to perform a popular cover to boost the energy, then a few songs at the end of the ceremony that the principal personally asked me to do.
It's my first time walking onto a stage and my nerves are eating me alive.
Parents and the first-year students are already gathered, and every pair of eyes will be on me.
Right before the principal announces me, I have a slight nervous breakdown, I’m curled up with my hands pressed to my aching stomach, but Alex is already beside me, making sure I don’t fall apart completely.
"You’ve got this in the palm of your hand, it’s practiced perfectly, you could play and sing it half asleep in the middle of the night, everything is going to be fine, okay?"
But in moments of stress my demons crawl out from the dark corners of my mind, and all I can think about is that one absurd thought, what if they found out the truth about me, how differently they would look at me, with disgust and mockery, a damaged alpha, a cumdump.
I press my hands to my stomach twisted with nerves, it’s hard to take a breath.
Alex sees my state, kneels in front of me, grabs my hands and pulls them away from my stomach.
"Bay, focus. Everything will be fine, I promise you. You just need to walk in there and feel the music. When you sing and play, it’s a little like you’re sinking into another world, so let yourself be in it!
Music equals safety, you’ll be okay there, do you understand?
Safe place." Alex gives my hand a small shake.
But I’m still stiff and tense.
"Please, let yourself step into that bubble and everything will go easy from there, I promise."
I look into his eyes, searching for answers in them for a moment, searching for strength, and I find it there. Support, warmth, he has my back, one hundred percent.
My fingers intertwine with his small ones for a second.
"Thank you, Alex, for everything. You’re right."
And he is. For a long time now music has been like a protective barrier I could build around myself when my thoughts drift too deep into the dark.
Alex smiles at me so brightly, and he probably has no idea how beautiful his face is, his features are so delicate, his lips soft and sweet, and his small nose sprinkled with a few pale pink freckles.
For a moment I want to lean in and pull him into my arms, but of course I don’t, I just squeeze his fingers lightly and nod.
"So wish me luck then."
Someone announces me and the band, I pull away from Alex, walk toward the group waiting for me, then turn back and give him one last look, as if I’m saying goodbye to the life where I hid, stepping into a new one where many eyes turn toward me, and I have to live with that while keeping my disgusting little swamp inside, my shame, my downfall buried deep.
We walk onto the stage and I manage to stay inside my bubble, it has the color of amethyst, like Alex’s eyes, and I let myself wallow inside it as I sing and play. I sink into it, I trust it. I let myself dissolve into it.
When I finish, everyone applauds, some even cheer, my voice has fully settled after the change; it’s deep now and I guess they like that.
Yet as I bow and wave to the crowd, my gaze slips to the side, toward the lawn, where I notice two figures standing completely still, not joining the applause or the cheering.
I recognize Doug Hanson and Neville Hanson in stunned disbelief. They are the two alphas who stood nearby when Matt beat me and Kit held me down.
Wow. So these two are already out?
They watch me with a strange calm, and for the first time it occurs to me that maybe the Hanson situation isn’t over yet, people like them don’t know how to forget, it’s a matter of their stupid, primitive ‘honor’, but… for now I’m living through my moment of glory.
When I step off the stage, the principal approaches me full of excitement, pats my shoulder, and tells me that during the summer there will be a festival in his town and he would love to have me perform there with the band.
And of course he immediately signs me up to perform at the opening ceremony of the new school year.
I head off the stage and quickly manage to forget about the Hansons’ presence, my parents are here and my brothers too, and they all congratulate me and clap me on the back, the energy is positive.
Right after that comes the awarding of the prizes and honors for finishing our first year of high school.
I receive an honor for outstanding musical achievement. Alex gets one for mathematics and for competing in a state-level junior chess tournament. Since he took first place, the principal gives him the school award along with a certificate of recognition.
Then I play a few more songs to close the ceremony and this time I feel much better. In the front row Alex stands unchangingly, clapping, bouncing a little, and singing along with me, as I smile at him, my most devoted fan…
Well, maybe except for my dad who stands in the parents’ area and keeps wiping his eyes that fill with tears.
It could be such a beautiful moment, joyful and family-like.
But I’m not in it. Only half of me is here, just the surface. I can’t allow anything more. I hold myself firmly trapped in an abyss, I don’t let go, I don’t let myself fully breathe.
I simply don’t know how to be happy.
◆◆◆
Three weeks later, Alex and I actually do head out on a two-week trip to my uncle Van’s.
This year, two of my cousins and three of my brothers are staying at his summer cabin with us.
Gabriel and Veyron, my cousins, are both much younger than I am. Veyron is eleven, and Gabriel won’t even turn nine for a few more months.
I can’t say I’m thrilled about it. They’re complete brats in my eyes, and I already know I’ll end up being treated like the babysitter.
Skye, Rain, and Storm are with me too, which automatically makes me the oldest here, how ‘perfect’.
Snow and Winter are spending their vacation with Uncle Sean, and I got stuck with the kids. Peachy.
We’re staying in the cabin with Van and his second husband, Zenith.
Van remarried after his first husband passed away.
From that first marriage, he had two children who are already adults, and with Zenith he has Gabriel and Marlow, although Marlow is visiting my other uncle, David, so Gabriel’s the only one here right now.
I’ve always liked Uncle Van. He’s a former police chief, pretty calm, the kind of person who always seems grounded. He’s actually the reason my parents even met in the first place, so in a way my entire family owes him… well, our existence on this planet.
The cabin sits deep in the forest near a beautiful lake, and around the house Van built these amazing obstacle courses for his sons.
There are ropes everywhere, swings, balance beams, places to practice coordination, stones you can jump across, and endless ways to set up races.
It’s the perfect playground for the boys, though honestly it’s probably a better fit for my brothers and cousins than for me and Alex.
We’re both fifteen now, so swinging on ropes and climbing monkey bars aren’t exactly the most thrilling activity.
We could swim in the lake, but I feel a pretty strong resistance to that.
The strange tattoos on my skin are almost fully visible now.
They’re a pale red, and every week the color grows stronger.
I feel embarrassed about them, because how am I supposed to explain something like this?
That I’m some kind of freak? That weird markings just appeared on my body out of nowhere?
The only lucky part is that they’re on my chest, shoulders, and forearms, but they don’t reach my hands, so I can hide them pretty well. Not that it would be so easy if I took off my shirt to swim with Alex.
And I have absolutely no idea how I would even begin to explain what these marks really are, because they aren’t tattoos at all. They’re more like unique patterns that simply appeared on my body.
Because of that I have to wear long sleeves all the time, which probably confuses everyone since they’re all running around in T-shirts, but I guess it fits the image I already have. The weird one. The musician. The kid lost in his art. No one really asks questions.
Alex never asks either, but I can tell he’s tempted to go swimming after only two days here. He keeps glancing at the lake where my cousins are splashing and goofing around.