Chapter - Bay #6
I battle with myself, looking at his mouth, those pretty lips, perfectly shaped, soft and pink, and for a moment I remember feeling them against mine twice already and wanting so badly to feel them a third time, to forget everything and just exist inside the warmth of being close to him.
Alex lowers his head very slowly, clearly giving me time to pull away.
For a split second I want to, but then I choose courage.
Our lips brush gently, so different from anything I’ve felt before when someone else’s body was too close to mine, this is warm and sweet and soft and addictive.
My hands rest on his narrow waist and I pull him a little closer, his stomach pressing to my chest as our lips stay connected, shy at first and then a little braver.
Our tongues graze and a strange shiver shoots through me, and I desperately want to push him away but I force myself to stay, because I’m in a controlled environment, in my own room, nothing bad can happen here, so I try to keep a grip on my own nervous system.
But it isn’t easy when everything inside me trembles with panic.
Another person’s body pressed against mine has only ever meant pain, but this is Alex, it’s Alex, and I have to repeat that to myself, remind myself. His hands rest at the back of my head and on my neck, his slim body pressing tightly into mine.
And then I feel it… something pushing against my stomach, something that wasn’t there a few seconds ago.
A wave of emotion, strong and sudden, explodes inside me. I tear my mouth from his and roll backward on the bed, putting space between us. Alex’s face is bright red as he quickly sits at the edge of the bed, like he’s trying to hide what I just felt.
"Sorry…" I mutter, as heat rushes to my cheeks, feeling like absolute shit.
"You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m sorry if, you know, I was a bit too…" he trails off, just as red as I am.
"It’s just because, you know, your body, your muscles, you’re so strong and you’re so big and all that, you know, sorry…" Alex stammers, and then waves his hands like he’s suddenly aware he said too much.
"It’s fine, it’s just… I’d rather take smaller steps," I manage, lowering my voice, feeling like an idiot.
"Of course," Alex says right away, curling a little on the edge of the bed, probably trying to make sure I don’t see anything that might reveal his arousal.
And in the next second I realize that if I don’t fix this, things might get awkward between us, so I force myself to say, "But I really want you to be my boyfriend, Alex, I really do… I just want it all to go slowly."
Alex breaks into a wide smile.
"Oh Bay, I’ve wanted this for so long, of course I’ll be your boyfriend, and it’s totally fine, we’ll just let everything unfold gradually," he makes a small soothing gesture with his hand, "at whatever pace works for you."
I nod, unsure, feeling foolish, like some fragile case that needs careful handling, but this is my reality. I have to match my wants to my abilities, and I know I’m not ready to take things any further yet.
But I want to, because I want to be normal like other teenagers.
That day, after Alex goes home, for the first time since what happened in the grove, I decide to jerk off.
Just like Ennio advised, I build a nice, romantic fantasy with a certain person at the center.
It takes me a long time to break through something inside my head, but I understand that this is part of healing, so I decide not to give up.
I force myself to push through the feeling of not deserving.
Focusing on physical pleasure is my goal, and I follow it through.
Success comes sweet and liberating. I don’t have to grieve everything forever. Not anymore.
◆◆◆
So, March officially becomes the month that marks the beginning of my relationship with Alex.
My parents take the news with joy, and to my surprise even Alex’s dad seems genuinely pleased.
Around the same time I pick up my driver’s license, and with the money I earn from my channel I buy my first, still kinda crappy car, which gives me a huge sense of independence.
Now I can visit Gurco several times a week to continue my training, and if anyone thinks I have forgotten about my revenge, they would be seriously mistaken.
Over the next two months I gradually put my plan together. I learn where the Hanstons live, the layout of their houses. I find out where their whole damn clan goes to clubs, I learn where they work, and where they go to school.
Sometimes in the evenings I sneak out of the house and head to the bars they frequent, watching them from a distance.
My plan builds slowly, but steadily, and I decide I will do it a few days after the end of the school year.
I even call Ennio and tell him about my strategy, and he approves it, saying it has a real chance of working.
But as it turns out, Fate forces my hand in an unexpected way…
Ever since I got my own car, I’m the one driving Alex home from school every day.
Soon after, I head toward the city center, on my way to my lessons with Gurco.
My route runs for a stretch along the coast, beside a line of picturesque sea cliffs.
I like driving that way because the beautiful views let me escape the grim thoughts about my fate and the endless planning of future killings.
As I approach one of the sharp curves, a sudden rush of emotion hits me and I notice something I’ve already seen a few times before…
A strange dark wave of energy gliding toward me and wrapping around my body.
I glance in the rearview mirror and with horror see a car speeding straight at me, clearly aiming to slam into my back right as I’m entering the curve, which could mean flying off the road and plunging down the cliff.
I have literally a split second to make a decision. I jerk the wheel violently to the left and the car that tried to hit me misses me by mere inches.
But because they’re going so fast, they struggle to brake, slamming into the guardrail at the edge of the road.
I see them through the open window. It’s Kit, Doug, and Neville.
My heart beats so fast I can barely hear anything else, its pounding drowning out every sound.
And again I have only a split second to choose.
I’m currently in the left lane, but I swing back to the right, pick up speed, and slam into the back of the brothers’ car, pushing them forward with force.
The guardrail finally gives way and their car rolls down the nearly two-hundred-foot cliff, hitting the coastal rocks and then sliding off them before dropping into the deep water.
The sight is so surreal, and because it all happens so incredibly fast, it doesn’t sink in.
The Hansons tried to kill me, but I killed them, all of them at once.
I stare at the scene, leaning out of the window of my car, and then everything Ennio ever told me crashes into my mind. The most important thing is safety, keeping your guard up, because at any moment another driver can appear on the road.
My car’s bumper has fallen off, so I jump out quickly, pick it up, toss it into the trunk, slam it shut, leap back into the car, and drive off.
My heart still gallops wildly, and luckily the road is empty. I drive fast, my hands shaking. Could it really have been this simple, did the Hansons hand me victory on a platter?
And if someone finds the car and the broken guardrail at the curve, how easy it will be to assume that the car simply flew off the road because it was going too fast.
Excessive speed and teenagers is a mix everyone understands.
I barely remember anything from the entire drive to Gurco’s house.
Only when I’m minutes away do I pull out my burner phone and call Ennio, my hands still trembling.
When he picks up, the first thing I say is:
"I killed them all."
"Wow, that’s interesting news. The question is, are you safe?"
I briefly summarize what happened. Ennio listens in silence, asking only the occasional question like whether any pieces of my car were left behind, whether any cars passed by, how long I stayed at the scene.
In the end he says,
"You really caught an incredible opportunity, but in situations like this there’s a lot you can’t control.
If the police lock onto you now, they will check where you were at those hours, which towers pinged your phone, they will check the skid marks on the road…
it could all lead back to you. And even worse, if they search the brothers’ phones and see they were planning something, if they talked about it in texts or on some messenger… what then?"
Damn, Ennio thinks of everything.
I stay silent, realizing how many things I didn’t consider. I acted in the heat of the moment, and it could have been insanely risky.
Ennio exhales lightly.
"Give me the exact location where it happened. Maybe I can do something about the marks on the road and the guardrail."
"What… what could you do?"
"That’s not important right now. Send me the pin and act like nothing happened, like you don’t know a thing."
"And what about the police? What if…"
"Calm down, Bay. I know people in the police. Plenty of them. I’ve done many… favors."
There’s a sarcastic edge in his voice.
"You’re… a serious player, Ennio," I sigh, swallowing hard. "I’m a damn amateur compared to you."
"The debt grows, remember that."
"Alright, I understand," I whisper. "I’ll send you the pin in a second," I say with a shaky voice.
"Call me tonight. I’ll tell you what we managed to do."
When we hang up I send him the pin, feeling waves of fear tighten in my stomach.
Damn, no matter how you look at it, murder is dangerous business, with so many ways to make a mistake, so many things you might overlook, and then… drop by drop, trace by trace, thread by thread, the police follow the string back to you.
During training I’m unusually unfocused, Luca has no problem taking me down, Gurco keeps scolding me, and after the sparring session I take the long way home, still feeling that heavy, lingering stress.