10 Years Ago #2
I look to the left and see my dad asleep in the pull-out chair beside me, his hand holding mine.
I look to the right, and on the pull-out chair on my other side my father is also asleep, and his hand is also holding mine.
My heart tightens with awful grief, because I know I’m about to cause them unbearable pain with what I have to do, with what I can’t escape. I look at their faces, they came here, they found me, they care, but what does it change? My life ended, period.
Very carefully, I slip my hands out of their grip.
I pull the IV out of my arm. I look at the bandages. Not needed, not needed!
Moving with extreme caution, I slide off the bed near its legs so I don’t bump into my parents.
I’m wearing this ridiculous hospital gown, but it doesn’t matter.
I walk into the hallway; it must be late at night because it’s completely silent.
There's none of the usual noise or nurses’ footsteps.
They're probably napping in the break room. I walk down the corridor slowly, looking around; rooms everywhere with sleeping patients, and after a moment I reach the visitors’ area.
It’s big and empty too.
This is where I find windows that can be opened. I look down; the height is enough.
I place my hands on the handle and turn it, clenching my jaw tightly. Whatever's filling me is impossible to describe, so I won’t even try. I swing the window open and start climbing onto the ledge, but then I hear rapid footsteps behind me.
I try to throw myself forward, but a hand grabs the fabric on my back and yanks me down.
I hit the floor, cursing under my breath, only to turn my head in disbelief and see… Ennio.
What the fuck?
I stare for a moment because he’s a complete breach in my reality; he doesn’t fit this situation at all, like someone from another universe.
"What do you think you’re doing?" he spits the words out.
"Looking for a way to worm out of the fight you’ve got in two weeks?" he says, narrowing his eyes darkly, folding his arms across his chest.
It’s almost funny, what he said, like I would care about some stupid fights. But I don’t laugh, because laughter stopped existing in my world.
"Alex and I are incompatible," I say in a numb voice.
Silence.
Ennio stares at me without moving, his eyes black like a shark’s.
So I add, "And it’s not the kind of case you can smother with suppressants, it’s also aversion to touch…" my voice weakens, drops… "I can’t exist without him, and I won’t, you won’t be able to stop me," I state firmly.
Ennio leans down toward me, grabs my gown by the chest and says sharply, up close,
"You better pull yourself together or I’ll find a way to keep you alive whether you want it or not."
I snort.
"Do you care that much about those fights? Those stupid fucking fights? There are bigger things in life!"
Something shifts in Ennio’s face.
"I don’t care about them that much."
"Then why do you care whether I live or not, leave me alone, just let me die, you cold fucker!"
Ennio lets go of my gown and straightens, then walks to the window and closes it, firmly turning the handle.
"I’ve been in the same place you are many times, but I always pushed through."
"Spare me this ‘there’s another, better day’ spiel. You had revenge to look forward to, but me?"
He slowly turns back to me and fixes me with his gaze.
"I know your only mafia single-player mode is ‘kill them all’, but that won’t work here, Ennio. Sorry! I’m not going to kill Fate. I don’t have anyone left to take revenge on, nowhere to aim my energy, nothing that keeps me alive!"
Ennio presses his lips into a thin line.
"I can give you that easily."
"What the hell are you talking about?!"
Ennio pulls a gun from his pocket.
I curl my lip with contempt.
"Really? Sure. Go ahead, shoot me, if you think that’s going to scare me—" I stop because he turns and heads down the hall toward the room I was in.
"Hey wait," I get up even though the dizziness makes it hard, but I catch up to him, grab his arm and force him to face me.
"What are you doing? Why are you going there?"
"I’m about to give it to you. That reason."
"I don’t understand."
"If you don’t get yourself together," Ennio lifts the gun and shakes it slightly, "there are people you still care about, people who still matter to you, and you know I’m not the kind of person who hesitates to pull the trigger."
"My parents? You’d kill them?"
"The question is whether YOU would kill them, that’s the correct way to put it, do you really think you won’t kill them by committing suicide, a hundred times over?
Do you think you won’t shatter their hearts and condemn them to die every single day when they remember your face crushed on the hospital parking lot? "
Silence falls, I tremble, pull my hand back, and sway on my feet. I have to lean on the wall just to stay upright, feeling tears sliding down my face.
"Let me die, Ennio, don’t keep me alive on a premise like that, let me die, please, I’m begging you."
Ennio frowns.
"I won’t. You’re going to keep living, you’re going to fight for me, and then you’re going to go on with your singer life, and your parents will be safe and healthy, happy to have their son. Ok?"
"A son who will be a wreck? You’re sentencing me to a life of torment, sentencing me to a life in hell!"
Ennio turns, walks past me and goes back to the visitors’ area, takes a small silver case from his pocket and after a moment lights his ever-present vape.
"You’ll push through this, Bay, I promise you, a person can push through anything, survive hell."
I growl in frustration.
"The problem is I don’t want to suffer, I lost him, do you understand? I don’t want to wake up every day in a pit of despair and not see even a flicker of light in front of me."
He turns toward me, his black eyes drilling into mine.
"I live like that," he says, blowing a thin stream of vapor toward me.
A scent reaches me, my head spins a little, but there’s something extra in it, a faint dizzying calm.
"What is that?"
"Something that helps patch up that pit you’re talking about."
I reach out, and Ennio slides something along the vape’s surface, I assume raising the dose, then hands it to me.
I inhale.
Bam, in a moment everything pulls away from me, like standing in a crowd and then suddenly stepping outside of it, and in a fraction of a second a quiet resignation settles in.
"Wow, what is that?" I breathe out.
"A compound I have access to."
"Is it available on the market?"
"No, but I can supply you."
"Is it a drug? A psychedelic?"
"I wouldn’t call it that, it’s more like a tranquilizer. But the best part is that it’s not addictive, at least not physically. No withdrawal symptoms."
"You’ve used it long?"
"Yes, about eight years, in different doses. You can control it, take a little less on a better day or a little more on a worse one, it doesn’t cause the numbness most sedatives do, you stay fully clearheaded, the pain just eases up, you stop caring so intensely about everything you used to care about," he explains.
I stay silent for a long moment. Then I take a few more deep breaths. And suddenly I feel it, that quiet inside me, numb, empty, but neutral.
Can I survive another day like this?
Maybe. And maybe another. Not thinking, switching off, removing the sense of loss, the pain and the rage, just… existing without thought.
"So? Is it working?" Ennio tilts his head, his cool eyes turning mocking.
"It’s working," I mutter grimly.
"What now?"
"Living."
"Wow, such a simple answer."
"There is no other, and surely no better one."
"Just peachy. Great. I’ll probably have to explain all this to my parents and go through some damn therapy for failed suicides—"
"Just tell them you reached the edge but understood it wasn’t the best solution, that life is still possible. There are so many people who romanticize suicide these days, I’m sure you’ll find plenty who understand."
I stare at him a little blankly, turning the vape between my fingers. My mind grabs onto the first topic it can find.
"How did you even end up here?"
Ennio shrugs. "Gurco told me you were supposed to drop by training tonight and didn’t show up, something told me to call, but your dad answered…"
"Oh shit, I’ll have to explain that call to him too…"
I sigh and take another deep inhale from the vape. The relief is strange, so quiet in my head. The pain becomes two-dimensional, it can’t pierce through me anymore.
Ennio shrugs again, then says, "Make up something that’s still normal but a little dangerous, like you secretly go to a shooting range and I’m your instructor."
I exhale a stream of vapor, and stare at the ceiling.
"I have no idea how to shoot; my dad’s the one who’s better at that."
"If you want to learn, you’re welcome. I happen to have a private shooting range."
I inhale again, that pulse of quiet pouring into me. I can even talk almost casually, like the world didn’t just end. Just… casual chat.
"Maybe I’ll take you up on it. I don’t have anything to fill my time with now…"
"I can give you that too. A new life purpose. One you may even like."
"What would that be?"
Ennio squints his eyes. "Helping innocents."
I chuckle numbly; it sounds so abstract. "Well, that would do. Anyway, since I’m not planning on going to college, I can try."
"Your parents will be disappointed."
"I think having a living son will have to be enough."
◆◆◆
Opening my eyes, I see the pale morning light leaking in from outside. I’m alone in the room, the chairs where my parents sat are empty, but some voices drift toward me from somewhere down the hallway.
Unfortunately, I don’t float in the merciful haze of the tranquilizer anymore. The details of yesterday are painfully sharp. They cut into me like glass grinding into skin and I can’t take it for another second.
Vape!