10 Years Ago #3
I reach under my pillow where I hid it last night. There it is, the cool metal shape of the case bringing instant relief. I can’t last another moment without it, I need to shut everything off, quiet it, mute it. Now. Now!
I open the case and light the vape. I set the dose to high. There are a few more cartridges inside, I guess spare doses.
Just seeing them soothes me strangely. Like water in a desert, a promise of silence in my head.
Yeah. I inhale deeply, ignoring the fact that I’m in a hospital and smoking is probably banned here, duh.
With the scent, I pull in silence, numbness, the ability to survive another day.
A pale gray cloud of nothingness spreads through my mind, as the substance fills my lungs, saturating me blissfully.
It cuts off the pain almost immediately.
Yes. Yes.
That’s what I need.
Turn off my thoughts.
Turn off the feeling of loss.
Turn off the awareness that my world has fallen apart.
Can I? It looks like I can…
The door opens and my parents walk in with a tray. Oh, crap, it’s going to be a hell of a talk, I just feel it…
But I can’t be bothered. I greet them with a calm look, but… their eyes are anything but calm.
My dad…
Wow.
That still bothers me, I guess.
Good Fate, what’s happening to him? I’ve never seen him like this. He looks older, his face gray, his eyes red and swollen. Like he aged ten years overnight.
And my father doesn’t look any better…
"Bay!"
My dad shouts and throws himself at me, the tray slipping from his hand and crashing to the floor.
He grabs me and clings to me with all his strength. His body shakes with sobs.
Oh my, it’s… really difficult, my mind just refuses to cooperate, to come up with something that would help, fix it…
Finally, I settle on one thought.
I pat his back lightly.
"Shhh, Dad, it’s okay. It’s okay. You saved me. Case closed," I say, using an almost casual tone.
My father picks up the tray and steps closer, and on his gray, equally aged face I see confusion and some kind of strange… shock.
He catches the scent of smoke, nostrils flaring.
I sigh, I guess there’s no escape from the hard conversation.
"A quick explanation. Yesterday Alex and I found out we’re incompatible.
It hit me hard, won’t deny it. But last night a friend brought me something that helps with major life disasters and I’m already better," I announce and, over my dad’s shoulder, who’s still pressed against me, I take another deep inhale.
Yes, the effect is still there.
I can live. I can live with this.
Dad lifts his head, his wet, swollen eyes fixed on my face.
His parched lips tremble as he speaks, "Bay… we read… while looking for clues… explanations… we read your diary."
I freeze.
Shit…
Fuck.
Not this!
Even with the numbing effect of the vape, it hits me, scratching at my mind like claws. Shame, anger, pain break through for a moment, and I let out a quiet groan before cursing.
"Oh, Dad. Bad idea. Closed chapter. I don’t want to talk about it."
"Bay, I…" He closes his eyes, his breath barely there, "I brought those monsters onto our family… my Fate, I…" he can’t speak, his face going so pale I see him sway at the edge of the bed. I grab him at the last second, stopping his fall, and Father rushes to hold him from the other side.
"Bay, why didn’t you tell us… what you went through… son… that was hell…" Father starts, but I cut him off almost angrily.
"I had Alex, Fa. His presence made everything easier. Now he’s gone…" I stop and inhale again, as deeply as I can.
Quick, quick, kill the pain.
Kill it.
Smoke fills my lungs, again softening everything…
"Now I have to push forward," I sum it up, turning my gaze away.
"What is that?" Father suddenly asks, his eyes locked on the vape. His arm is around Dad, who is pale as a sheet, his lips chalk white, his eyes unfocused.
"A calming agent. Not addictive."
"So they got their revenge… those bastards… those leeches, after all these years…" Dad mumbles, his voice drifting, his gaze empty, insane.
Father pulls him closer, kissing his temple.
"Lake, love, they’re gone… please calm down. Your heart, I can feel it… please… you’re straining it…"
But Dad slides over his arms, losing consciousness, his head hanging to the side.
Tears stream down Father’s face.
"Forgive us, Bay… as parents we failed you… we horribly failed you…" he breathes out, as he lifts Dad in his arms, hugging him tightly.
"Son, forgive me this too, but I have to… I have to save him. His heart might not survive this, he’s fading!"
He wants to leave the room, but I know exactly what he has to do.
It’s grotesque to me, and unpleasant, and gross… but I understand he has to enter the Joining.
They’re True Mates. They save each other through the physical merging.
With a frown, I get up.
"I’m leaving. Stay here. Save Dad. That’s the most important thing. Enough… pain. He doesn’t deserve it. I kept it secret because of him, to spare him pain. Save him. He’s… our sun…" I say, clenching my jaw. My heart trembles; the vape doesn’t soften this.
I look away.
"I’ll make sure no one disturbs you."
And I walk out, closing the door behind me.
The moment I’m in the hallway, I slide down to the floor, leaning my back against the door. My bandaged forearms leak with blood, and I stare at the red shade on the gauze surface.
The part of me numbed by the vape accepts the situation. But the other part, underneath…
It cries.
Dad doesn’t have to suffer.
Ennio was right, dammit, like always.
What hurts me hurts them too.
Like I’m holding a gun to their heads.
My poor dad…
Even though I’m hitting the vape like crazy, I still feel tears running down my cheeks.
I protected that secret for so many years so my parents wouldn’t have to go through this horror show.
Still, I failed…
Finally, frustrated, I press the vape dose to the max and inhale, five, ten times. My head rings, my vision swims. Did I cross a safe amount?
Doesn’t matter.
The silence returns…
Slowly, reluctantly.
I can handle this.
So now what?
The plan?
Living another day?
Pushing?
I’ll stay with them. Yes.
I’ll return to the tiny mobile house with my parents.
I’m not going back to college anyway, I’ll stay with them and give them my presence, show them…
that I’m managing, that I’m moving on, pushing forward just like Ennio always says.
Because I can’t take their pain away. Only time can do that.
But maybe I’ll infect them with that mindset too.
Forward…
Because there’s no turning back.
There’s no stepping off the path upward.
Past it there is only darkness.