ALEX #2
Yet the thought of that concert will not leave me alone, and that night I toss and turn, and every time I close my eyes flashes of memories from almost ten years ago come back, that easy closeness between us, his touch that was always so gentle, his eyes on me full of love as if I were his entire world, and I truly believed I was.
It’s him who still stars in my sexual fantasies, Bay rules them completely, only him. I let myself drift into a short daydream right there, curled up in my nest.
I imagine sneaking backstage disguised as one of his fans while he is drunk.
All right, maybe I went overboard with that vision, that is already a bit too much.
Okay, let’s restart. I sneak backstage and he is high…
Enough, Alex, with these non-con visions.
Again: I wait behind the stage disguised as someone else, maybe I wear a mask, yes, I have heard about those advanced masks that can change a face, I seduce him and he does not recognize me, he treats me like just a horny groupie instead and pushes me down, forcing himself between my thighs.
Even such a short vision of us being close again sends shivers of pleasure through my body.
If we were to live together again, after nine years, would the everyday passion we shared return with the same intensity?
Judging by what I feel when I think about us fucking again, free from the effects of incompatibility, I’m optimistic.
I have to wrap my hand around my cock and bring myself to release quickly, because my whole body hungers for him, desperate to be his again.
In the morning I dress as nicely as I can, I even apply a bit of makeup, which is practically unheard of for me, adding a little more pink to my lips and a slightly darker coat of mascara to my lashes.
I am twenty-seven and I still look young, but probably not eighteen, so I decide to help my looks a little. I smooth my hair, which still reaches my shoulders like always, that has always been my style.
Once ready, I head to the campus.
Of course I rush straight into the building so I can watch from the windows as people gather on the huge lawn behind the main complex, the place where the stage has been set.
The concert starts in an hour but I am already here, and I have a spot that is worth envying, the windows of the staff room overlook the lawn, so it feels like having a private VIP booth.
In the meantime I exchange a few words with Professor Martin, since my PhD is entering its crucial phase, the defense is coming soon and there are still a few matters I need to take care of before finalizing everything.
By the time I finish talking to him, the concert is practically beginning, so I brew myself some coffee and stand at the window. My heart is beating so fast, because even though I have seen so many recordings of his concerts, I have never seen him live since we broke up.
It is the perfect moment, Bay steps onto the stage, raises his hands and claps above his head while the crowd responds in kind. He throws out a few words of welcome, and I stare at him, his silhouette small on the stage, but the big screen shows his face clearly and up close.
All these years Bay has grown braver and more confident on stage, he used to be so nervous, but now you cannot see any of that, this is just another day in his life.
He performs many concerts throughout the year, mostly local events, although sometimes he goes on tour across the States, gaining new fans, because his talent is undeniable and people love his four-octave voice.
And on top of that his aura, mysterious and basically solitary, sparks all kinds of rumors about what his sex life looks like.
He never confirms anything and never denies it either, which only fuels everything even more. I have seen a few interviews with nosy reporters, sometimes downright intrusive, but Bay navigates their questions skillfully, never offering specifics.
As far as I know he has never had any official relationship, yes, people always paired him with Cosmo, and later with Malik, but I suspect that if he had any other handsome second vocalist alongside him, fans would pair him with that guy too, that is simply how band dynamics work.
Bay begins to sing, starting with some of his greatest hits, then moving on to a few songs from the new album and finishing with some covers, because that is what first made him famous and he never wanted to part with that part of his career completely.
The crowd is having a great time and I stare at his face, enchanted.
It is not like I am out of touch with what is going on in his life, I know all his newest songs and I watch concert clips regularly, but sometimes I need to cut myself off from his YouTube channel for days because watching it only makes my suffering grow.
So now, looking at him again, I can feel it all coming back.
The longing. The tightness in my stomach.
That strange burning ache throughout my entire body, that awareness that we are not together, something that feels like an error in the matrix, like a splinter stuck under a fingernail, something that keeps tormenting me and simply never stops.
I step away from the window, the concert is already ending, should I disappear from campus as soon as possible? There is no chance we would meet, Bay is surrounded by his people and his crew, and countless fans probably want to get to him, so it is simply impossible.
I sit there for a while after Bay disappears from the stage, thinking about… honestly nothing at all, my mind blank and filled with the usual feeling of depression that always follows me.
Eventually I have enough of sitting around. Yet when I enter the bathroom to wash off the makeup I now find unnecessary, I see Professor Alvarez there washing his hands and he turns to me.
"Good to see you, Alex. I actually have an urgent matter to discuss with you. We’re about to launch a new Actuarial Science minor, and at the last minute Professor Goldberg withdrew from teaching the main course for health reasons.
He called me literally an hour ago, and I’m a bit cornered here because we really wanted to introduce this course.
It’s important for the college’s prestige.
It was already announced, and students have started signing up.
We need at least a temporary replacement, and I have to walk into the provost’s office with a candidate, so I thought of you.
I know you’re busy and your dissertation defense is coming up, but maybe you could squeeze this into your schedule. "
I hesitate, the whole additional course would be a massive amount of extra work, and sure, it also means extra money, but I’d really need to hustle to handle everything.
"It’ll be tough, Professor, but would I be teaching it permanently or only filling in?"
"If Professor Goldberg recovers he’ll return to take over the course, but that won’t happen for at least a few months. He had an accident and injured his spine, the rehabilitation will take a while."
"If there’s a chance he’ll take it back eventually, I can agree to it, but I wouldn’t want to commit to teaching it for the entire year, because I have my defense in the second half and I need time to prepare."
"Excellent. If he can’t return, I’ll look for someone else for the second half, but if I can put you in for the first half of the semester instead of Goldberg, that would be perfect. Can you come with me to the provost for a moment?"
"Okay," I say with some reluctance and let out a sigh. I don’t like this, but unfortunately I’m known on campus for never refusing to help other professors, which often leaves me buried under work and exhausted.
I’d hoped to have a little more breathing room this semester and I fought with the provost to get my classes properly spaced out, and now I have another course added to my load, damn it, I’m not happy.
With my face gloomy, I follow Professor Alvarez.
We have to walk together to the other building where the administration offices are located.
When we approach the provost’s office, to my surprise I see a group of people heading there from the opposite end of the hallway.
I recognize Dean Malborn, two other people from the college administration, and…
I blink because I can’t believe it…
It's Bay in the flesh.
Holy shit!
What could he be doing here?
Is he going to meet with the provost about some upcoming events? I don’t know, and I don’t want to clutter my head with that right now, because I’m already having a nervous shock. My pulse is jumping, my fingers damp with sweat.
We stop by the provost’s door along with my professor, and the group walking with Bay stops as well.
Malborn locks eyes with Professor Alvarez.
"We have an appointment with the provost," Malborn says, and Alvarez responds,
"But we have just a quick matter to handle, a very quick one, it’s about a change in the course and it needs to be taken care of urgently…"
Their conversation barely reaches me, because my eyes meet Bay’s dark green ones.
I look at him.
Really look at him.
And he looks back at me. For the first time in nine years, we’re looking at each other like this, openly. No masks, no pretenses, secrets, or role-playing.
It’s just me and him, the real we.
I tremble.
Waves of nerves, heat, cold… a shiver hits me so intensely I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. My hands are shaking, everything inside me is vibrating.
Bay…
My fucking fate, he’s so beautiful it almost kills me. The photos and videos just can’t fully capture this. His perfect face seen in person is even more flawless than when we parted, when he was eighteen.
More mature now, more masculine, sharper, but still without a single imperfect line, his beautiful mouth and his eyes framed by thick black eyeliner that makes him look even fiercer. His dark red hair falls in long, heavy strands halfway down his chest.