Inevitably Love. (Complicated #2)

Chapter 23

Twenty-Three

“ D amn, you ‘bout as big as Rayna was when she was pregnant with DiDi!” Ak, Rayna’s brother and Hayden’s cousin, laughed while speaking to Hayden sitting right next to me.

“You remember that?” Hayden asked, smiling.

“Hell, yeah. It was when I first came home. I remember all that shit. It blew my mind that Rayna had a whole ass family and career and everything.” He took a sip of his drink.

“Yup, Akeem. I’m so proud of her,” Hayden returned. “I’m proud of you, Chyna, Samantha, Sundryia…” She shook her head, eyes cast out into the room of about one hundred-fifty people. “I’m proud of all of us. We’re rewriting history with how we’re all fighting for success and happiness.”

“Yeah, man.” Ak shrugged. “God is good. It took me a minute to figure my shit out. The world was big as hell outside of the pen, but you know… I’m good.”

It damn sure took him a while to figure out what to do for work and who the fuck Akeem was after he was released from prison a few years ago. Azmir had him trying out so many avenues, but Akeem wasn’t developmentally ready to properly use a resource like Jacobs. He’d even thrown him on me as we were establishing HAYDAR . I worked the club with security hard in the beginning stages, understanding having the hottest club in town was paramount to gaining popularity.

Jacobs thought he could place him under me to latch on to a career. I knew it wouldn’t work. Ak was too fresh out. He had a monster of an ego on his shoulder he was able to manage around Azmir and Rayna, but no one else. Ak and I bumped heads a lot. He saw me and sized me up as the “pretty boy” man in charge. And when he learned I was from Waldwick, Ak thought he’d hit a lick. He’d talk shit, show up late, half ass complete assignments, and behave too familiarly with the patrons.

When I’d try to work with him, Ak would become disrespectful until one day, he bucked at me, trying to punk me in front of my subordinates. I whooped his ass. I took it light on him by not breaking any bones, but I marked up his face enough to remind him for a few weeks and as a stamp to Jacobs. It was a “return to sender” stamp for his brother-in-law.

Needless to say, Jacobs transferred him, moving him into yet another opportunity Ak couldn’t latch onto. It got so bad, Jacobs had to beat his ass, too. He didn’t take it as easy on his brother-in-law as I had. Ak had to seek medical care after that L. When Azmir and I talked about the incident, he was so fucking torn. He didn’t want Rayna finding out and possibly taking sides with her brother. They’d been keeping all work-related shit from her.

What I explained to Azmir was Ak needed emotional and professional development. He needed time to catch up to his new status as a free man. He saw men like Azmir and me—our power versus our juxtaposition to the streets—and thought he was “harder” and could dominate. Ak had to learn the hard way. He lied about the injuries caused by his brother-in-law to his mother and sisters. So, maybe Hayden was right in commending him for his transition, even though she didn’t know his journey. I was just happy her family thought this event in Hayden’s life was important enough to fly out from L.A. to attend.

I continued to eat. The food was as delicious as I’d anticipated. This was the big day. Hayden’s shower had been flowing for about an hour now. Seeing her reaction to the room when I escorted her in earlier did some funny shit to my chest. When she saw over one hundred people standing in anticipation of her arrival, so stunned, Hayden turned into my chest and cried. It took her a minute to calm herself. Since then, she’d been giving her praise and gratitude to Sundryia and Rayna every time she ran into them.

“A’ight. Let me go holla at Trick over there,” Ak beamed when he announced. Now, Trick was a different type of nigga. He was one of my strong soldiers. He, too, had been incarcerated for a period. He was Trent Bailey’s uncle , who was, ironically, his age. Trent, being a neighbor of mine, told me Trick was having issues finding employment due to his record. He said Trick wanted to move away and start over. I put him on in Vegas, and since, he’d been growing in rank. “Happy birthday, cousin! I’ll holla, Patterson.” I offered a nod to his acknowledgement before he took off.

“That view of the lake is mesmerizing.” Hayden shouldered me to gain my attention.

“It is,” I agreed. “It blew me away the first time I visited here.”

“What was the occasion?” She placed a chunk of potato salad into her mouth, gazing my way wickedly.

“None of your business.” Because my only other time here was to check out the place after Sundryia recommended it for today.

My girl cracked up, laughing. “No. For real, Ishaan.”

I leaned away from the table, pretending to be annoyed. “My wedding reception.” I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling and shook my head.

Throwing her body into me, Hayden shrieked, “I know you fuckin’ lying!” Then she hooted in laughter again.

“Aren’t you two cute?” I glanced up to find LeRoy smiling devilishly.

“My man!” I stood to greet him with dap over the table. “Glad you could make it.”

LeRoy grabbed his chest. “Well, I wouldn’t miss your birthday, dear,” he cooed to Hayden. “And as the godfather of your impending baby, it was imperative of me to bring blessings for my golden child.” That tickled Hayden. LeRoy’s charming ass blinked successively and femininely, shifting his head away. “Well, right…” He continued with his womanly expressions, taken by her favorable attention. Then he peered my way. “And by the way, I see you’ve finally worn the cuffs and shoes, Ish.”

I glanced down at my wrist then it clicked to me. These were the Saint Laurent gifts from him. “Who said this is my first time wearing them?”

LeRoy rolled his darkly lined eyes. “Ish, who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? I saw the bottom of the shoes as you escorted your lovely partner inside. There are no signs of wear on them.” He lifted a shoulder dramatically. “And you,” his attention returned to Hayden. “Is this MEEHAR ?”

Hayden glanced down at her ecru-colored tank dress. Then her mood turned embarrassed. “Yes.” Hayden’s even darker-lined eyes circled around the room before she whispered at a volume above the flowing music, “It’s not maternity, but a certain bossy someone brought it home last week with an indecent tradeoff. He won.”

It was a more than fair trade. I saw the dress and thought Hayden and her belly would look amazing in it. The maxi dress complimented her long legs. I loved that my girl was tall. Tall, strong, and femininely soft. She was right about my proposal being indecent, though. On Red’s Island, I’d told Hayden we could find a way for her to work off the plumbing construction tab for her house in Paterson. I proposed she suck me that night until my feet curled and wear the MEEHAR piece today. Well … Her basement is nearly complete, and she was here looking sexy as hell in a top designer’s non-maternity piece. She’d been receiving compliments since I escorted her inside the room.

“Girl, I know MEEHAR personally—just had lunch with him a couple of weeks ago. And while he is as pompous an asshole as his creative peers, he’d probably be inspired to start a maternity line after seeing you in this piece today,” he cooed.

Was LeRoy flirting with my girl?

In my fucking face?

That was some tight shit. I couldn’t lie. I’d let it slide this afternoon. The day was about Hayden. It was her birthday and baby shower. She deserved all the encomiums she’d been getting. I planned on giving her even more. Hayden had been softening to me a lot. I couldn’t decide if it was since my crash out when I saw her and Rob together at the restaurant or our time together on Red’s Island , but something had changed in her. She hadn’t been as flighty as she was when we’d rediscovered each other at Jacobs’ birthday party.

Even last Friday, it was evident when I had to escort Rob Whitter’s weasel ass out of her office. While Rob was on his way to the police station, Hayden and I headed home. She didn’t flip out on me. She calmly asked me for details. I explained how I knew Rob was there. I’d gotten a phone call a couple of weeks before with intel on him creeping around the building. I knew it would only be a matter of days before he’d approach her. We’d been tracking him before she told me about his calls from unknown numbers.

When the security detail I’d been having post at Christ Cares spotted him last Friday, I put a plan into place. The NYPD was awaiting Rob in front of the building. It was all a matter of timing. He was now in Atlantic City. After a couple of days of interrogation, he was charged as an accessory to the murder of Lavonte Harris. What’s fucked up was I didn’t believe Rob killed Lavonte; the detectives didn’t either. However, Rob arranged the meeting between Lavonte and his assailants, even if he didn’t know their agenda. The police had proof of his presence at the crime scene. Now, Rob was being forced to either be a rat or take the rap. Either way, he wouldn’t be around to popup on Hayden anytime soon.

“Hayden,” Sundryia called as she approached the table.

“Damn!” LeRoy whistled. “You cousins got it going on! Look at you! You’re sticking to the color theme. Yessss .” He brought Hayden’s attention to her ensemble, too. She wore brown trouser pants with a matching vest. The vest exposed most of her back. There was no evidence of Sundryia having given birth to twins ten months ago. At least, nothing I could glean from brief encounters with her. Hayden had been inspired by her transformation. “The legs on you two! Arrgh! ” LeRoy growled.

The women laughed, and I went back to eating my food.

“We need you for the next portion of the program, Hayden.” Sundryia extended her hand, gesturing for Hayden to leave now.

“Don’t miss me too much, Ish.” Hayden reached over and pinched half of a barbecue meatball from my plate with her ivory nails.

She made a show of dropping it into her mouth without touching her brown-stained lips. Then she licked the remnants from her finger. While Sundryia and LeRoy reacted by praising her, I instantly ached for the girl.

“Happy birthday to yooooo!” the crowd of countless faces finished the birthday song.

In return, I blew kisses to each corner of the room. I couldn’t believe it. The day had been magical. It was the first time I knew how a princess felt. The energy in the room had been amazing since Ishaan escorted me inside. The place was huge with floor to ceiling views of the lake. White marble floors were at the front of the room where there was a deejay and buffet tables, and there was plush carpet at the other end where the guests sat at round, decorated tables. There was also a color theme happening: brown, green, and tan. They were warm, autumn hues, and genderless.

Balloons in varying sizes, and the colors of the theme, were everywhere. Throughout the large room were electronic pillars flashing greetings like ‘ Happy Birthday, Hayden ’ and ‘ Welcome, Baby Patterson .’ Each time I saw the latter, I sighed. The time to make some serious decisions was imminent. My baby not having my last name didn’t sit well with me. And having a child without his last name would never fly with a man like Ishaan. Even Mehki was a Patterson.

The decision would have to wait until tomorrow or next week. Today, I’d enjoy the hard work of Sundryia, Rayna, and Ishaan’s planning. So many people showed up for Ishaan and me. Since I’d also turned thirty, my cousins wanted to celebrate the milestone. They knew I wouldn’t be okay with two big to-do parties. So, they merged them. I agreed under one condition: the guests couldn’t bring birthday gifts. I didn’t want people being taxed for me. I had everything I needed. Gifting the baby would be the priority.

And here we were …

I gazed around the festive room holding more people I didn’t know than did. Ishaan was a popular guy. He was well-supported, too. So many of my relatives were here. And I mean way more than I anticipated. I wondered if it had to do with Rayna being a part of the big day. She was far more family-oriented and popular than Sundryia and me. I imagined she had family influence. A few of my college friends showed up for me today. My colleagues were in the building as well, except for Lex. She and her family were away in Florida, celebrating Lisa-Mare’s birthday.

“So, keeping with the theme of the day,” Rayna announced on the microphone. “Hayden, Ishaan wanted to remind you of the journey you’ve been on, incubating his baby. He wanted your guests to see you through his lens.” She stretched her arm to the closest electronic pillar. “Take a look at the nearest display post to you.”

Music began to play. Seconds into it, a picture appeared on the kiosk. It was me. My face tightened with surprise and confusion. Based on my clothes, I surmised Ishaan had snuck in a picture of me at LeRoy’s play back in the summer. It was the night I’d wanted to have him in my bed, but he’d declined. And my apartment flooded .

There were more images of me. They were all of me—pictures of me standing over him, humming with need in his tub in Alpine back in August. Horny and violent that night, that snap was striking. Ishaan managed just my belly and face in the capture. Femininely stunning in a black and white finishing. There were more pictures of me in his pool as well.

He’d captured quite a few pictures of me on Red’s Island . The collage included the bootleg, maternity photoshoot my cousins and I took on the beach. Only, the images looked incredibly professional—the natural sunlight and black tulle Rayna “so happened to have out there” fixed around my waist and flowing in the breeze. Sundryia had me pose braless, holding my breasts in a non-sexual manner while Rayna clicked away.

But then as the song playing repeated, “ God Don’t Play About Me ,” I learned Ishaan furtively snapped pictures of Dr. Patterson showing me around her garden in Alpine. It was incredibly peaceful and gorgeous out there. I was always honored when she extended an invitation for me to come out to chat and have tea.

There were two pictures of Ishaan and me at the water at night on Red’s Islands . One was of him stretched out on the supersized patio lounger while I was on my knees facing him. I was clearly talking to him while his eyes and hand were fixed on my belly. It was…beautiful. The next picture was from the same night, but I’d fallen asleep on Ishaan’s chest. There were more of me sleeping, curled into my body pillow. The next few images were of me laughing—hard. Freely . The last image was of me sleeping, too, only Ishaan managed himself in it. He lay on my inner, folded thigh as he kissed my bare belly. It revealed intimacy and a softer side of the neck and chest-tatted Black Fabio.

My eyes were watery once the collage was over. I hugged and thanked Sundryia and Rayna again. Then I turned to look for the quiet giant. He wasn’t far, practically on my heels. Ishaan leaned down to kiss me, and I was with it. My hands instinctively rounded his tapered waist, and I was instantly consumed by his scent. I could hear the burst of “awwwws” and cheers from the room.

When he pulled back, I whispered, “Thanks for that. Thanks for all of this.”

He nodded, acknowledging me. “They’ve started serving cake. You ready for Mika?”

My brain snapped. “Oh!” I blinked then gazed around the room until I found her at the table filled with my colleagues, chatting away. “Sure. I’ll get her.”

“What’s going on?” she asked with humor in her voice as we trekked down the hallway, outside of the banquet room.

Holding her hand, I replied, “Just a little something I want to settle.”

“With me?” Her short legs worked harder to catch up with mine and Ishaan’s. Lucy was in pursuit behind us.

I chuckled. “Yes, you.”

“Man, boss lady, now I’m nervous.” She managed to peer over her shoulder. “I’m getting fired or something? Lucy, you told her I stole that soda out the fridge?”

That shit made me snicker again. “Telling on yourself, I see. Leave Lucy alone. She’s clueless right now.”

“Well, shit,” she mumbled.

Ishaan stopped at a door and opened it. The two ladies and I filed inside. This room had large windows, too, just incredibly smaller than ours down the hall. Stacked chairs and empty tables were all around, but inside were three men. One was suited, which was Ishaan and crew’s uniform, so I figured he was security of sorts. The other one was a casually dressed Hispanic man.

Next to him, a brown-skinned guy of average height stood pensively. He wore a hoodie, shorts, and boat shoes. It was October in Jersey, when the weather was still warm, holding in the low to mid-seventies. But no one wore shorts. When he turned to study the women, I caught the misalignment in one of his eyes. Then, when the man swiped his mouth, his lips parted and the biggest gap between his two front teeth flashed.

“Whoa, shit!” Mika screeched, leaping from the floor. She then turned into me as though for protection, squeezing my hand. Into my fold, she asked, “What is this?”

I glanced over to Ishaan then remembered this was my show to run.

“Mika, I know you’ve not been yourself since our trip out to Vegas in February. Lots of shit happened during that short getaway.” I swallowed, knowing my extended belly was proof of it. “But you seemed to have been through a traumatic experience since, and you were not yourself. I hated it for you. Hated it for me. It’s been really stressful.” She shuddered against me, quietly sobbing. “I want the old Mika back. If I was using my noodle months ago, I could have done this then. Ishaan works for HAYDAR . In his role, he can find any employee on their roster.” Shit, this was hard.

I glanced over to Ishaan again. He didn’t respond, only switched positions, pushing his hands into his pockets. Ishaan was giving ‘COO’ in the moment. He couldn’t help me. Then I peered over to Lucy, who was questioning me, her eyes going between me and the man who’d flipped Mika’s world upside down in one night.

“Listen, Mika,” I rubbed her back. “I told Ishaan about your setback. I’m sorry for involving him, but I felt I needed to do something. He asked if I wanted him to find Henry for you. I told him I did. It took a few weeks, but he’s here for you to talk to him. Maybe if you two chat for a while, you’ll get some closure, and we can get our old Mika back. Is that okay?” She nodded, still locked at the knees. I took her at the shoulder to have her stand upright. Mika had to be present for this conversation. “Ishaan and I have to get back to our guests. I brought Lucy along for your support.”

I signaled over to Lucy and, right away, she came to Mika’s side. Then, I made my way over to Ishaan. With his eyes, he communicated to his security and Henry. We left them to their truth. A sad one.

“She’ll be fine, Hayden,” Ishaan murmured, taking me at the shoulder to bring into his side.

I fell into him, needing his strength. “You know what it is?”

“What?”

We stopped and I backed myself into the wall, eyes perusing the empty corridor. I scoffed, “It’s really fucked up.”

“How?”

“He’s married.”

“He lied. It happens on one-night stands.”

I grabbed my pouch. “This happens, too. It happened to them.”

Ishaan shrugged, looking so delicious with his freshly braided and lined-up head. “But Brian lied. He even lied about his name.”

It was true. Finding “Henry” wasn’t easy for Ishaan as he didn’t have a Henry on staff working in food and beverage. It wasn’t until he narrowed the search down to “Henry’s” eye condition that he’d found him.

“I lied about my name!” I hissed, reminding him.

“The fuck are you saying here, Washington?” I took a deep breath, feeling a lance of anxiousness flutter in my belly, and it wasn’t the baby. “Hayden!”

My head snapped his way. “What if our story hadn’t turned out this well? Shit. I didn’t want this alternative—this version of my consequence. What if I’d fallen in love with you that night in February when we conceived, and you weren’t who you are?”

“Who am I?”

“The guy who practically begged to be the father of my child. Ishaan, we haven’t even looked at the paternity results yet.” Then I thought. “Have you?”

He let go of a heavy breath. “No. I’m not questioning shit here, Boo-baby.”

I know …

And the shit scared me. So much of what I was facing scared me. Ishaan’s trust in me scared me. Living with a man scared me. Possibly never being liked by his son scared me. The fact that Ishaan may have possibly killed Mehki’s mother scared me. Yeah . Since that explosive accusation from Kenny in my office last month, I recalled Rayna mentioning the rumor of Ishaan’s involvement in Mandy’s accident being a thing. Most of all, what scared me shitless was I still wanted him. I wanted Ishaan at my side. I wanted him to be the father of my child. I wanted him to want to, too.

I wanted Ishaan, a man I truly didn’t know.

Then he was on me. Ishaan pushed me into the wall, his mouth crushed mine in a kiss. It was a kiss, I once again, fell into all too quickly. Too easily. Vulnerability. Being vulnerable had power but it was also scary as fuck. If I wanted to see if this thing with Ishaan would work, I had to drop my long-term companion of resistance. Killing my resistance meant me being honest with myself and Ishaan. It meant me acting on my desire for him. And, damn, did I desire this man.

He pulled back from the kiss first, eyes tight and darkened with lust. Each muscle in his face was tight with passion. Anger? “Shit,” he whispered, glancing away. “You’re gonna have to fix your lipstick.”

“Let’s leave,” I panted.

“Leave? No,” he grumbled. I could see the cogs of his mind churning. “We can leave early but not now. We haven’t even had cake yet.”

“We can have it later on after I make you melt in my mouth.”

“Fuck, Boo-baby,” he groaned. “Slow the fuck down!” My guy was flustered, heart rate suddenly up. “First things first: yes, we risked it all back in February and March. We made bad decisions. But life don’t always throw the book at you for a few bad calls. You said it yourself. You were stuck in your ‘in the meantime’ for a while, deciding on what to do with the baby. If I can be honest, I was okay with you aborting the baby. But we stuck it out.”

“And now, it’s inevitably love,” I whispered with a smile.

Those were his words to me.

“You damn right. It’s always going to be love.” Ishaan pecked my lips again. “Now, let’s go.”

I greeted more people than I could count. This momma was ready for a nap. I’d separated from Ishaan once we finished hitting all the tables to thank our guests for attending. I found myself back at the front of the room near the food. Everything was so damn good. Lately, I’d been worrying about how much of the twenty pounds I’d gained so far would melt by Christmas.

Chyna appeared out of nowhere. My gorgeous cousin squatted down, getting close to my belly while holding out her phone. “This time, I want a flick with my little cousin. So, when he or she comes and gets older, I can show them this and say I’ve been down with them since day zero.” In between a few clicks of the camera, she slickly murmured, “Because Mommy here ain’t been checking for me since I moved out to L.A.”

I snickered, “Oh, stop! You know you’re still my Chyna doll. Things got crazy with me in school just before you left. You know I love you!”

It kind of tore at my heart. Chyna was right. I would hang out with her before she graduated high school. We’d go to the mall and out to eat when we could sync our schedules. We’d even go visit relatives together. But I got lost in school and Chyna jumped coasts to start a new life with her mother, older brother, and sister, Rayna.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she hissed, making me laugh some more.

That was when I realized a familiar tune had been playing. Without thinking, I began swaying side-to-side, eventually snapping my fingers. When Chyna was done and had taken off just as abruptly as she’d appeared, I took a few steps to the one of the buffet tables and grabbed a few grapes from a fruit display. When I glanced up, I noticed Rayna staring my way with animated eyes. She held her hands at the pelvis in her tan short trouser shorts and brown stockings. Her dancer legs looked amazing down to her nude Christian Louboutin Kate pumps. She, too, stuck with the apparent color theme. Next to her, Sundryia’s expression was starker. Her eyes were wild. Something was wrong. I watched her attention go behind me and followed with my entire body.

Shit …

It was my mother. She stood alone with a microphone, bringing it to her mouth. Monica Washington was center stage, allowing the room’s attention to be on her? She couldn’t sing. It was never a gift of hers. But when this song played, she’d perform with so much damn passion. With determined energy while not reacting to my shocked expression, she began singing lyrics along with the familiar tune. I knew this song. It was a childhood regular in…her home. She used to play it so much when I was a kid. Like sooooo fucking much, I anticipated it. This record was one of a few, shared happy moments because she’d sang…to me.

Before I knew it, a soft mark of affection etched my face, and I continued my two-step. I was instantly vacuumed into the moment with her. She’d sang this to me. It was like a rare time of bonding with young Hayden—the happy girl who hid her feelings. I was two Haydens as a kid. The first was a jovial, inspired, innocent kid who ran with life.

Eventually, I shrunk into a darker version of myself. I was lonely Hayden who pined after light and protection—Hayden who began collecting ugly secrets I couldn’t share with a soul…until Sundryia, many years later. But whenever Monica Washington played this loud and spiritedly in our living room, I’d feel a sheen of light in my heart. I wasn’t lonely. I had a mommy. I had her eyes and attention on me.

Candi Staton.

Young Hearts Run Free .

The song was sung from the perspective of a broken woman, struggling for a reciprocal love—a young woman who gave her heart and womb to a man who continuously chose everything else except for her pure, young heart. He wanted other women and a life in addition to what he’d had with her. When my mother sang this song to me, it was in a manner from a life coach to a student. I was her student. Sometimes she’d cry and make me sad when she performed it. Other times, she’d keep with the teacher’s energy. We’d even made a whole dance to the lyrics. It was our moment—I guess a collection of them where she’d spotlight me and speak to my heart.

My mother, now thicker and slower in her movements, maintained the energy of her youth while she sang over the track. It was like a karaoke moment. Our moment. So much so, I found myself two-stepping toward her. When I was close enough, she belted about encouraging young girls who basically had the attitude of “fuck men; they’re trash” to maintain their stance. The melody was upbeat, festive, and empowering. The lyrics were sad and from the heart of the broken.

As she took my hand and we moved together, the choreography came back to me as I smiled, encouraging her intrepidity to do this in front of a room of mostly strangers. We reenacted the dance we’d created together. I could do this. This song. My old innocuous views of my mother coated me. I knew people watched our shared performance for the first time, but I was okay with it. I’d been feeling like that princess thrusted upon me since Ishaan ushered me into this beautiful space.

I mouthed the lyrics as my mother and Candi sang them from their souls. Then suddenly, I became conscious of them. The woman described was my mother. She’d given her heart to the man who loved other women at the same time as her. She got the baby, as Candi described, but she didn’t get the man. My mother had never been in a public, romantic relationship with my father. She couldn’t. He’d been married, living in his romantic story with Ms. Melba. My mother had never dated in my life. If she had, she did it without my knowledge.

As dejecting as the lyrics were, my mother was celebrating me in the moment. Yes, it may sound crazy. But Monica had just experienced the same celebration of me and my impending love I had. She’d seen the displayed, candid pictures of me with a man who, so far, had been presenting as a dedicated love. A man who, for all we knew, didn’t have the circumstances my father had when he and my mother intersected and recklessly conceived me. Call me crazy, but I felt in my heart my mother was celebrating me for not choosing the wrong man. She was acknowledging how my “self-preservation” Candi recited had worked for me until now.

Until Ishaan …

Tears rushed from my face as I held her one hand and we danced together like two young hearts, running free. Was I free? Really free? I met eyes with Ishaan, standing just feet from me appearing stoic, but I’d caught the smile in his eyes. The love in them, possibly? He patted his chest just above his heart.

Damn …

“ Everything’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to. ” Ishaan vowed in the tub the night we’d returned from Red’s Island . “ It’s all love. Inevitably, it’s love. Focus on that. ”

Inevitably love. Period . Full stop.

Ezra’s assignment came to mind. The scripture he asked me to read last Friday. I did.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things .

Ishaan had been good to me. I’d allow my young heart to run free until he proved to be the wrong man for me.

The song ended and before I knew it, my mother pulled me into her plush chest. She hugged me so tight. My face was soddened with hot tears as she squeezed me. And I felt it. When Dr. Patterson asked me back in August if I believed my mother loved me, I’d told her ‘yes.’ I hugged my mother back, thanking her for proving me right. My mother did love me. She’d always loved me, and I knew it. The problem was, I was loved by a broken mother who couldn’t fully care for me because of her limitations. Some of those limitations were caused by her own hand, which was loving a man who didn’t belong to her. And only God knew the limitations incurred beyond her control.

Had my feelings changed about my mother’s proximity to my impending child? No. Absolutely not. But this moment she’d created reminded me how even in those lonely moments in my childhood—up until now even—I did have a mother who loved me with what she had to give, no matter how limited she’d been.

“Hayden,” she spoke into my ear amongst the burst of applause surrounding us. “I may never have the relationship I’ve always wanted with you, baby. But I’ve always loved you and always will. Let your heart run free, baby. Let it run free.”

I sobbed, body locked with resistance. I couldn’t break away from her because I didn’t want to let the room know how wracked with emotions I was in the moment.

Then she whispered, “Billy is no longer in my house. Ishaan spoke to me and made me see principles I’d been ignoring for years. I tried doing right by everybody. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe God saw my heart. Either way, Billy is gone. He’s in a long-term care facility. I tried the best I could to do right by everybody.”

That was enough to yank me out of my emotional trance. Her words could be like ice water doused on me. Sniffling, and dabbing my wet face, I tried smiling at her.

“Awwwww! Baby, I didn’t mean to mess up your makeup.”

I sniffled then snickered, “It’s okay. I’m going to head to the bathroom to straighten up. Okay?” She nodded. “But thanks for the song and the performance. I know that wasn’t easy for you to do in front of a crowd. I love you, too, Mommy.”

As I turned to walk away, she returned, “I love you more, Hayden.”

I needed away from her. That quickly, I needed away from her.