44. Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Four
Margot
At some point over the next week, I write up my final entry for the internship competition and I send it, along with the link to the podcast episodes, over to the New York Times . I also study for my finals, finish all the papers I was working on and write an article for the paper about students protesting on campus. Between all that, I make a very important phone call that will hopefully help at least someone be happy in the future. I do all of that without a heart in my chest because it had fallen out and rotted away on the floor of my apartment Saturday night.
Another week passes and I can feel a shell forming around myself, a protective cover guarding against outside forces that could hurt me. Because I can’t stand to be hurt again, I won’t survive it. Sydney leaves for winter break, giving me a kiss on the check and reassuring me that things would get better.
Danika drops her duffel bag on the couch in a huff.
“That’s all you’re bringing home?” I ask, wheeling my small carry-on suitcase into the living room.
“Are you kidding?” Dani walks back into her room for a moment and when she returns, I can barely see her over the size of the massive suitcase she’s pushing.
“I am not helping you put that giant in the overhead bin,” I huff.
Danika only scoffs. “You already know I’m checking this bad boy,” she says, giving the suitcase a couple pats for good measure. I would’ve laughed but the joy has drained out of me these past couple weeks. I haven’t had it in me to feel anything but hopelessness. “You ready to go?” She asks, pulling up her Uber app to call a cab to the airport.
I nod, grabbing my coat and my sneakers. When I bend down to put on my shoes, my phone falls onto the floor face up, a flurry of notifications on the screen. I’ve been avoiding looking at that thing since the last podcast episode went live, putting it mostly on do-not-disturb. I have absolutely no desire to read the comments about mine and Alex’s “relationship”.
Reaching down to grab it and silence the noise once again, a particular email notification catches my eye. An email from [email protected] with the subject: “Internship Competition”.
Immediately I want to puke.
Here it is. My true failure. The one thing I set out to do this semester to all but guarantee my future as a journalist. A simple email that will say “sorry, but you suck.” I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t do this right now .
“Mars?” Danika looks down at me and I hadn’t realized I’d sat right on the floor where my phone had fallen. She catches a glimpse of the email my finger is hovering over and gasps. “Oh my god.”
The contents of my stomach threaten to emerge but Danika is jumping up and down on top of me and I can’t catch my breath.
“Open it! Open it!” she’s shouting but I can’t make my finger do anything but float above the screen. “Margot, I swear to god—” The knowledge that she’s just going to snatch the phone and click it herself propels me forward and I use all the courage I have to open the email notification.
I don’t want to read it out loud. I can’t have Danika look at me like a failure. I can barely look myself in the mirror, I don’t need my best friend’s pity on top of all of this.
Fortunately, I don’t have to read too much to know the contents, the news is apparent from the very first line.
“I won,” I whisper.
Danika draws in a huge breath.
“I won!”
Danika screams at the very top of her lungs and I can’t help but join her. Before I know it, we’re jumping up and down on the couch, my excitement reaching beyond what I ever would’ve thought.
“You did it!” Danika shouts, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug. We bounce down onto the cushions, catching our breath. “I mean, I always knew you would but you really fucking did!”
“I really fucking did,” I sigh, dreamily. And then it hits me. “Well…we did. Me and Alex.” The moment of joy has quickly turned into a moment of turmoil.
“Are you going to tell him that you won?”
“Should I?”
Danika hits me with her empathetic look. The look that says, “I wish I could tell you what to do but you need to decide for yourself.”
Nodding, I resign myself to thinking about that decision the whole way to the airport and even on the ride home. But for now, I need a few more blissful minutes of happiness. Because, I didn’t fail. I finally won.