43. Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Three
Margot
Hovering outside the door, I wonder if I’ve made a terrible mistake coming here. This has always been my study room, my safe haven from the chaos of a college campus. I never thought that bringing Alex here would ruin it for me forever. But now, the very air reeks of him.
Maybe if I close my eyes…
Sliding the key into the door, I squeeze my eyes shut before swinging the door open, stepping inside and letting it close behind me. Only then do I look around. The room looks exactly the same but somehow, completely different. The chairs are tucked into the table. The table where we wrote our podcast scripts. The chairs we sat in a little too close to each other to be friendly but neither of us moved away. How could I possibly sit in the room where Alex and I shared ideas, laughs, and even pleasure, one I try very hard not to recall.
I want to be strong enough to do this but, as it turns out, I’m not. Especially when I notice the etching that Alex left in the table. Could that only have been weeks ago? Feels like another lifetime. I run just the tips of my fingers over the letters, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall.
Nope. Can’t do this.
Running out of the room as if it was on fire, I bolt up the stairs, practically throwing the study room key at poor unsuspecting Edith. I don’t need her concern right now. Her pity would break me.
Sending a quick text to Sydney, I resign myself to sit by the gym and wait for her to finish her workout and take me home. I can edit the podcast from my desk in my bedroom. As I settle onto the bench outside the fitness center, pulling out my book to distract me, a cacophony of male voices pulls my attention.
Then I see them. A crowd of KA guys, led by Kai and Keith, walking toward the gym, water bottles and gym bags in tow. I’ve never prayed before but now seems as good a time as ever. Please, don’t notice me. Please, don’t notice me. Please, don’t notice me.
“Margot?”
This is why I don’t pray.
Glancing up, I feign shock. “Oh hey guys, didn’t see you there. What’s up?”
Some guys wave as they walk past me into the gym. Eying the group, I try to hide the fact that I’m very obviously looking for someone.
“He’s not here,” Kai says, matter-of-factly. “He went home for the weekend.”
“Home?”
“Something about seeing his dad.”
I narrow my eyes. Spending time with Oliver Prescott is the very last thing Alex would want to do. Something must be wrong. Sydney, and her incredible timing, exit the gym before the boys can say anything else.
“See ya around,” I say as a goodbye and then I pull Sydney toward her car, the look on my face telling her all she needs to know.
I knew editing the final episode of the podcast would be difficult but I didn’t know it’d be rip-out-my-heart-and-stomp-it-into-the-ground difficult. Every look, every touch, every laugh burns as if a physical flame is being set to my skin. I need to get this over with as fast as humanly possible.
It feels disingenuous to post a podcast recording all about how much Alex and I love each other when in fact, our relationship barely lasted the length of an entire episode. I can’t even think about the reaction this is going to have on campus but I also can’t bring myself to care.
In two weeks, finals will be over and everyone will go home and forget this podcast ever existed. Ask Alex will fade into Tomlin University obscurity. A whisper of what used to be. And that’s perfectly fine with me. I never meant to cause the stir I did on campus, I only meant to make a big enough splash for the New York Times to notice.
Still, posting this episode now…it makes me feel like a fraud. Like this whole thing was just for show. Like I’m everything the mean girls in the comments said I am. A pick-me, an attention seeker, a phony.
“How’s it going, champ?” Danika asks, bringing me my third cup of coffee. I’ve been at this for an hour and it hasn’t gotten the slightest bit easier. Every time I think it can’t get worse, I notice Alex glancing at me with a look of love that drops my heart out of my chest.
“I’m almost done.”
“Do you want help?”
God yes . “I’m almost done,” I repeat. As much as I would love to pass this task off to someone else, this is my competition piece at the end of the day. I’m responsible for how it turns out. Alex and Nathan both have been huge helps throughout and I couldn’t have done it without them, but this I need to do on my own.
With a solemn nod, Dani leaves the room, closing the door behind her.
Another thirty minutes and a few shed tears later, I’m finally finished. While typically I’d wait until Monday afternoon to publish the podcast, I can’t bring myself to think about this for one more second.
Surprise, Alex fangirls. You’re getting your podcast one day early. But I’ll bet you won’t be pleased with the contents.
Don’t worry, neither am I.
I grip the pen in my hand. The extra one I always give Alex. He’s sitting seven rows behind me and I’m gripping the pen like it’s my only lifeline. It’s pure instinct that I’m even holding it, so used to him trying to steal mine.
You would think there would be a speech as a final for this class but Professor Walker has been surprising us all semester, she’s not gonna stop now. After an hour, she dismisses us, collecting the test packets and wishing us all a happy winter break.
Somehow in the rush of everyone leaving, I end up directly behind Alex in the hallway. I want to talk to him. Touch him. Hear him call me sunshine . But I know I can’t. He doesn’t want to be my distraction. He wants to live his own life. Without me.
I resign myself to a silent walk until I remember the fact that his friends said he was with his dad for the weekend and I can’t stop the words from slipping out of my mouth.
“Alex?”
Alex turns to me, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “Yeah?”
“Is everything okay?”
“What do you mean? Of course, it’s not.”
The comment stings. “I know you went to your dad’s this weekend. Just hoped all was well with your family.”
“Oh. Yeah, I went to tell him that I’m ready to take the spot at Prescott Cars. Looking forward to it, even.”
The shock is apparent on my face. “You told him that?”
“Yes. No. But I will. I’m going to.” Alex turns to leave but I can’t stop myself.
“Why? Why are you giving up on your dream?”
He turns back to me, his eyes heavy with sadness. “What dream, Margot?” I try not to die inside when he calls me by my first name. He walks away and this time I let him. You would think it would be getting easier for me to let him walk away but as it turns out, it hurts more every time.
Leaving the building after him, I try to give us a wide berth so we don’t run into each other walking through campus. As I wipe an errant tear from my cheek, I swing the door open and run smack into a blonde girl, both of us tilting backward from the assault.
“I’m sorry, that was my fault.”
“No worries,” she says. She glances at me once, then double takes, staring at me much more intently. I’ve been getting looks like this for weeks, ever since the podcast started but there was something different about this one. Something more intense.
“Oh my gosh, wait. Are you Margot?” she asks, her eyes widening.
I nod politely in response, ready to continue my way through the doors but her next question stops me in my tracks.
“So you and Alex Prescott are really dating?”
My chest caves in. The tears I was holding in threaten to rush down my face. “I—”
“Yep.” Alex says from behind the girl. I hadn’t noticed him stop on the walkway until I heard his voice. He walks over and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me tightly but I know him, it’s not tight enough.
Clearly caught, the girl gives us a cute little smile before walking past me into the building. Alex immediately lets go of his hold on me and I feel the absence like a bullet to the heart.
When I face him, he has his hands stuffed in his front pockets. “Let them think what they want for the next few weeks. Once we get back from break, we can tell them the truth.”
I can only nod.
It’s a very nice gesture. One I’m not shocked he’s making.
Alex nods too then turns and walks away.
Yep. Harder and harder every time.