42. Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Two
Alex
Weights clang around me as I wipe my towel across my forehead, mopping up the sweat. It feels good to be back in the gym after a weekend away and the rest of the week filled with finals preparation. Not to mention not seeing Margot for most of the week and her needing to do more school work after the podcast taping. Yeah, I needed to blow off some steam.
Last weekend still feels like a dream to me. Margot, the girl I’ve been working with all semester, the one who constantly has my back, encourages me to follow my dreams–maybe a little too fervently–the one who continues to surprise me with her courage and dedication. My sunshine. Loves me. And now everyone knows we’re together.
I’ve never been loved by a woman before. That’s not to say I haven’t had girls tell me they love me before–you can’t help what comes out of your mouth in the heat of the moment. But I’ve always known they didn’t mean it and I’ve never said it back. Because I’ve never meant it. Never felt it. Not until now.
Margot helps me see things that I didn’t think were even possible. Even though she’s seen the worst sides of things, of me, she never wavers. She’s headstrong. My brave girl. I still can’t believe I get to call her my girlfriend, claim even just a little piece of her. Even if my future is locked up, it’s a relief to know she’ll be there weathering the storm with me.
A splash of water breaks me from my reverie. After I wipe my face, again, Kai and Keith’s shit-eating grins come into view.
“What are you daydreaming about? Your girlfriend’s tits?” Kai teases but drops the smile the second he sees my face. Kai has seen me pick up grown men and chuck them out onto my porch for less reasons than objectifying my girlfriend.
For good measure, Kai takes a step back, raising his hands up in surrender.
“Come on, man,” Keith pats my back once. “I’m starving.”
We head toward the locker room to shower quickly before leaving. Ever since I ran into Margot after the gym and she told me, in no uncertain terms, that I reeked like ass, I always make sure to clean up before I leave.
Shortly after, the twins pile into my car and we head home.
“Should we just order pizza for dinner? The fridge is empty and we’re actively driving away from our campus meal plan.”
“You fuckers can do whatever you want. I’m going to Margot’s for dinner.”
“You coming back for the party tonight? Last one of the semester” Keith asks as we pull up to the house. I idle outside, not even putting the car in park, anxious to see her now that I’m so much closer.
I shake my head. “Probably not. Gonna be a bit busy.”
Kai laughs. “We’ll be sure to display your balls on a very special place on the mantle. After Margot releases them, of course.”
Before I can smack him in the back of the head, Kai and Keith leave the car, laughter following in their wake.
I couldn’t care less what these assholes thought of me and my relationship with Margot. I’m finally happy and there’s nothing that can bring me down.
As soon as she opens the apartment door, Margot is hoisted up into my arms. She giggles as I kiss the crap out of her, latching herself around my hips and neck.
“Hi, there,” she breaths against me, a grin forming on her face.
“Hey, sunshine. Got dinner plans?”
“Nope, I’ve been working on my ASL final.” I put her down and she falters back a step, like a baby fawn walking on freshly grown legs. When she backs up, I finally get a good look at her.
“What’s all over your face?”
Margot narrows her eyes then looks down to examine her hands, noticing red and blue painted across her fingertips, matching the scattered smudges on her cheeks. “Oh. Ink,” she laughs, licking an un-inked finger and wiping the stains from her face. She doesn’t get it all but I don’t tell her, she looks adorable.
“Are you ready for a break? We can order something. Whatever you want.”
Margot’s face shifts for the briefest moment and I catch a glimpse of hesitation before she schools her features back into delight.
“Yeah, I can break for a little. Let me just check my portal one more time. My investigative journalism final paper grade should be up by now,” Margot says as we walk into her bedroom. “It was the earliest one I submitted this week.” Margot sits at her laptop, pulling up her online student portal to check her grades for the umpteenth time, I’m sure. I settle onto her bed, making myself comfortable.
She types for a few minutes and I’m about to pull up my food delivery app when a small gasp escapes her lips.
“I got a C,” she barely whispers.
I shift up on my elbows. “Ah, shit, sunshine. Maybe you can ask for extra credit?”
“You don’t understand.” Margot hasn’t turned around to look at me. Her eyes are glued to the screen. “I don’t get C’s. I get A’s. I get A’s because A’s help me keep my scholarship. I don’t get A’s, I don’t keep my scholarship. I don’t graduate on time.” Margot stands and starts pacing the room.
“Woah, slow down. It’s one C.”
“It’s more than one C, Alex. It’s one C and a missed article for the newspaper. Next it’ll be a missed class. Then I’ll lose the internship contest. Then—”
“Sunshine, slow down,” I jump up and grip her shoulders but she immediately pushes me off, still not looking me in the eye. Not looking at anything, really. Her blue eyes glazed over.
“I can’t afford to mess this up, Alex.”
“I understand that. But this isn’t the end of the world.”
Margot turns her head and finally looks at me. “Maybe not to you. You don’t even care about your grades. Or college at all, really. I don’t have the luxury of coasting through life like you do.”
The dig hits me square in the chest.
I’ve never been shy about my family having money but I’ve certainly never flaunted it, especially not with Margot. She knows more than anyone that I’ve got no choice in my future. She can go out into the world and do whatever she wants while I’m being pushed through a Prescott Cars shaped door.
I know she doesn’t mean what she’s saying. She’s taking her frustrations out on me.
“Everything was going fine. I was on track. I was reaching my goals. And then, you—”
“Margot, what?”
“You. You burst into my life and even since then, I haven’t been able to think straight. You’ve taken me off my path. You’ve distracted me.”
For a moment we’re both silent. I have no idea what to say. On one hand, she’s not wrong. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Time, I guess, she would’ve spent on her schoolwork and newspaper job. But I wasn’t the one who asked to work together. She came to me at the start of all this. It’s not my fault that we fell in love in the process.
And she has no right to blame that on me.
“Let me help you. We can figure this out.”
She’s not listening to me, lost in her disappointment. I know her asking me for help at the start of all this was a struggle because she didn’t know who I was. I never thought after all this that she would still be struggling to ask for help.
“I can’t do this. This…is too distracting.” She’s gesturing wildly and I just need her to calm the fuck down. The words she’s saying right now are threatening to shatter me. Margot is spiraling. I’ve seen this spiral before. A bead of sweat glistens down her brow. Her eyes are wide with shock and confusion. She’s about to drive us into a lake .
“This?”
“This.” She’s silent for a beat. “You. Us.”
She’s taking in deep breaths as if all the oxygen hasn’t just leaked out of my lungs.
Shaking my head, I try to make sense of everything she’s saying but she’s moving a mile a minute and I can’t keep up. Even if I could say anything to appease her right now, she wouldn’t listen.
Flashes of memory burst into my eyesight. My mom and dad, laughing in the kitchen. The next thing I know, I’m underwater fighting for my life. I couldn’t save her. She killed herself because she couldn’t care for me. I might as well have pulled her under the water myself. And damn if I’m going to do the same to Margot.
I’m nodding. I’m nodding and speaking before I even know what I’m saying. “You’re right. I’ve been pulling your focus away from what’s important. That’s not fair to you.”
Margot stops pacing and looks at me, tragedy in those deep blue eyes.
“You asked me to help you with the podcast but you never asked me to take over your life.”
“Wait–” I hold up a hand to stop her. If she says anything now, I’ll lose my steam. I need to do this. For her.
“When people get together, they’re supposed to make each other’s lives better. But ever since we’ve gotten together, you’ve endured internet bullying, frat row drama and now you’re at risk of failing your classes. That doesn’t qualify as better and that’s my fault.”
She’s silent. I want her to contradict me. She wants to contradict me. But she can’t. Because we both know that I’m right.
A lone tear escapes her eye and I reach out to wipe it away. “I can’t fail, Alex.”
“I know, sunshine.” My hand drops from her cheek. “And I can’t be the reason you do.”
More tears fall and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to pull her against my chest and hold her. Wipe away the tears and make everything clean and new again. But you can’t fix something that was broken from the start.
There’s a piece of me lost at the bottom of that lake. A piece I need to be whole and able to love without fear of ruining someone else’s life. Walking out of Margot’s life right now is the only way to save her.
Without another word, I take the most challenging step I’ve ever taken in my life. A step away from Margot, toward her apartment door. Leaving her crying behind me, I walk right out of her room, out of her apartment, down the hall and out the front door. It’s not until I get to my car that I realize.
She’s not the only one crying.
The very last thing I want to do is have my house filled with drunken assholes but there’s no escaping it. I could leave, but where would I go? Can’t go back to Margot’s apartment, even though everything in me is screaming to run back and apologize. Beg her to forgive me. Beg her to take me back.
But I can’t do that.
Leaving Margot is the best thing I could do for her. Even though it’s tearing me apart one vein at a time.
Opening the fridge, I stare inside, looking at the contents but not really seeing.
“Hey man, didn’t expect to see you back here tonight,” someone says next to me. I don’t even blink. Can’t.
“Alex?” the voice says again. I keep staring. What have I done? Suddenly, my arm is ripped away from the fridge handle and I’m staring at Kai’s confused face. Once he sees my expression, his face sobers. “What happened? Is Margot okay?”
“She’s…”
Gone.
I can’t say it. I can barely think it. I pushed her to her breaking down and she pushed me away. And I let her. Because I love her more than I love myself. I want to see her succeed more than anything else in this fucking world. And she can’t do that if I’m standing in her way, begging for her attention.
I need to be stronger than that. I will be stronger. For her.
Kai shakes my shoulders, pulling me out of my thoughts again.
“What the hell is going on?” By now I see Keith and Devon have joined up behind Kai, all three of their faces mirror images of concern.
“We broke up.”
“You—”
A glass shatters in the living room and I finally blink. I can’t be here. I need to fucking go. Now.
Ripping my keys out of my front pocket, I run out the front door, ignoring the sounds of my brother’s calling behind me. Getting in the car, I put the key in the ignition and drive away. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m pulling up to the front door of my father’s house.
My brother’s door is ajar and the sounds of clicking intensifies the closer I get. Drew is muttering curses to himself and he pushes the over ear headphones off of his head right when I walk in the room.
“Jesus Fucking Christ, Alex. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” he yells as he jolts out of his seat. I can’t help but laugh at his apparent fear…until I realize it’s the first time I’ve smiled since I walked out of Margot’s room and then the grin fades.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I walk further into the room, taking it in for the first time in a long long time. Behind me, Drew settles back into his gaming chair. A glance in his direction says he’s wondering what my motive is for being here. I don’t blame him. I haven’t just dropped by the house to say hi in…never.
“What are you doing here? Doesn’t your fancy pants frat throw ragers on Friday nights? Why aren’t you there?”
“Couldn’t be there,” I mutter. I’m pretty surprised to see Drew has a bookcase with a not insignificant amount of books. Glancing at the titles, I see some fantasy, some graphic novels, a few comic books. A few books on cars.
“Since when are you interested in cars?” I ask, pulling out the copy of Engines for Dummies! Drew rips it from my hands. I hadn’t even realized he’d left his chair.
“I’m not. Just have some books.” He chucks the book back on the shelf. “What are you going here, Alex?”
With a sigh, I sit on Drew’s unmade bed, pushing aside a pile of clothes. “I was looking for dad actually. He’s not here, is he?”
Drew shakes his head. “Some business dinner.”
“Shocked,” I deadpan.
Drew looks at me questioningly. “Why do you need him?”
Finally selling my soul to the devil. Since I can’t make Margot happy, can’t give her what she needs, I might as well make someone in my life happy. Even if that person is Oliver. Even if that means, come graduation, I’ll be waking up everyday to a life that I hate. Something good has to come out of this hole in my heart.
I came to tell my father that I’m ready to stop fighting him.
My eyes shift from Drew to the desk behind him, cluttered with old soda cans, empty potato chip wrappers and behind it all, a photograph. A framed photograph. My legs move without permission and I pick up the frame, analyzing it closely.
It’s the three of us. Drew, myself and our mom. She’s hugging us closely, she’s grinning, her eyes closed. Drew and I are smiling too. It’s a beautiful picture.
“I’ve never seen this before,” I murmur to myself.
“Dad got it framed for me a few years ago.”
“He did?” Now that shocks me. Setting it back down, I push some garbage out of the way so that it can be featured more prominently. “What do you remember about mom?”
I have no idea why I’m bringing her up right now. We never talk about her. It’s an unspoken rule in our household. But for some reason I can’t explain, I’m dying to know. He was so young when she did what she did. When she died. I need to know what he knows about her.
“I really don’t remember her at all.” Drew’s voice is sad and his eyes are even sadder. “I wish I did. You have no idea how much I wish I could recall something but there’s just nothing. I don’t even remember what she did to us. I just know what you’ve told me.”
For a minute, I’m relieved to know he doesn’t remember almost drowning in that lake. The memories of that day have weighed on me my entire life. It’s a comfort to know that my little brother isn’t burdened by that, too.
But then I remember my mother’s smile. My father singing to her in the kitchen. Our impromptu adventures. Drew doesn’t remember any of that either. And that’s a damn shame.
“You know what I do remember though?” Drew asks, breaking me from my memories. Drew spins around in his chair and I lean back against the desk, settling in a bit more comfortably.
“I remember that time that we built that fort in the backyard in the dead of winter and Dad said we couldn’t sleep out there or we’d freeze to death.” Drew laughs. “You brought out every single blanket, pillow and sheet in the entire house and told Dad that we’d see him in the morning.”
I chuckle at the memory. Of course I remember that. We did almost freeze to death, woke up in the dead of night, shivers wracking our entire bodies. We had grabbed our blankets and both slept in my bed, curled up for warmth.
“I remember that.”
“Oh, and that time we went to the beach and I wouldn’t go in the water.”
“Because of the sharks,” I roll my eyes.
“Because of the sharks but you ran right in and started splashing around.”
“To scare them away.”
“And eventually I did go in because you convinced me that there were way too many people around for any sharks to come by anyway but you stayed by my side the whole time, just in case.”
The beach had been packed with people. There was hardly any space to swim in the water let alone get bitten by a shark. I had grabbed his head and shoved him under the water so he could see the shark-free landscape himself and he had splashed me real good on his way back up. Dad was on the boardwalk, phone to his ear.
“And when Dad made you quit the basketball team so you could go work after school at the dealership, you kept practicing on that hoop in the driveway, even though you didn’t need to improve your game anymore.”
“I still liked playing. And you used to come and play with me sometimes.”
“I remember,” Drew says. “I don’t know much about our mom, and maybe even less about our dad but I know a lot about you.”
My throat catches but I don’t want to spook him with too much emotion. We’ve never spoken this openly before. Oliver doesn’t care for emotional conversations and by the time Drew was old enough to have any, I was out the door running toward Tomlin University and my freedom.
I hadn’t realized Drew had been watching me so much growing up. Noticing things I did for him. Remembering how I protected him. Guided him. I had always wanted him to know that he could do anything he wanted to do, if he set his mind to it. Even though I wasn’t able to follow my own advice sometimes, I would burn this world down if it meant my baby brother could live the future he dreamed of.
Drew’s hazel eyes glisten slightly and it’s like I’m seeing him in a new light. I never realized how much he looks like mom. I want to reach out and give him a hug but I know he’s probably reached his breaking point of sappy emotional talk so I settle instead for a pat on the shoulder closest to me.
“You’re alright?” I ask.
Drew nods. “Yeah, I’m good. Are you?”
I can’t return the sentiment. Not yet. But I’m finding myself at least happy with one decision I made tonight and that was to seek out my father. Because it led me here. A place I never thought I’d be.