Chapter 32
Mila
The warmth of the sun heats my eyelids, finally tempting them to peel open. As I do, I roll to my side, I try to move my arms again, but they are trapped. Ugh, I hate when you get that loss of movement from sleeping with your arms above your head.
“ Caught you,” Dash purrs.
I jerk in his bed, but I find my arms have been tied above my head, and a thick rope digs into my skin when I try to wiggle.
“ Dash?” I gasp.
“ You want to play games, little fox?” He grins as he remains sitting in a leather armchair in the corner of his room, one leg crossed over the other as he rubs his jaw. He ’ s shirtless, his scars on display. So many little marks that haven ’ t revealed their stories to me. What happened to him when he was taken away from me?
He ’ s careful not to show me those scars usually, so it scares me that he has them on display for me now.
My body pools with heat. One look at him, and I ’ m a puddle waiting for him to stomp on, to spread me out so thin I evaporate so he can turn me into something new.
“ When did you get home?”
He ’ s been silent since I was brave enough to have phone sex with him. One week of replaying what I did. One week of him away, leaving me with only my doubts.
Who the hell was I?
I ’ ve gone through phases of denial, mortification, and pride. Too many emotions.
Is it normal? To make a move, then question it? To relish in it regardless of the risk?
Should I care about the repercussions?
He swipes his thumb back and forth, scratching his thicker beard. It ’ s handsome on him; he usually shaves, but seeing him like this, more rugged, is a turn-on.
“ You washed the sheets.”
I tug at the ropes again. He smirks from behind his hand.
“ W…why would I reward you for leaving me?” I sputter, losing control of my confidence because anticipation binds my tongue.
He stands, slowly walking to his closet, and emerges with a black silk tie. “ What are you doing?” I clench my legs shut, hoping he doesn ’ t see how my body is reacting to him.
He tilts his head slowly, looking at my body completely at his mercy in his bed. “ Giving you what you want.” He smirks at the silk tie in his hands. “ I ’ m about to play a game, little fox.” He steps closer and leans over me, so his lips press against my frantic heart. He kisses my breast and then moves, circling his tongue around my nipple until it hardens. “ It ’ s going to drive you into a state of wild frenzy, but you ’ ll play nice because foxes are used to running wild. Panting and begging.” He grins as he sucks the fabric and my nipple into his hot mouth.
My back arches, arms yanking that damn rope, but the harder I pull, the tighter the knot becomes. “ Dash, let me go.” Let me catch you as you fall.
He snickers, “ Why would I do that?” He holds the tie up. “ This is what you wanted. To capture my heart, grasp it, and then toy with it. You see, Mila, a hero would have let you go, a villain would have gagged your mouth, but an anti-hero would relish as you beg. That ’ s what I am right, the anti-hero?”
My mouth pools with saliva. I hurry and gulp, but the sound is like a green light to his ears.
“ I ’ m giving you what you want. You should have stayed away.” He places a knee on the mattress and then leans over me, raising the tie over my face.
“ I want your love.”
“ You have it!” He growls in hate. “ You. Have. It! Happy?”
He’s crumbling and I can’t catch him because of this damn rope holding me down.
“ I ’ m not happy,” He mocks. “I ’ m going ravenous with hunger for you. Only you! But the more I have you, the more I ’ m never filled. When will it be enough, Mila? Tell me. Tell me!”
Soft silk blinds me. He ties it around my eyes before I can reply. Darkness forces my other senses to heighten. Every inch of my skin pebbles as his heavy, grief-filled exhales brush against me.
“ Let me see you.”
“ Your eyes shouldn ’ t look upon a monster.”
“ You ’ re not a monster.” I move my legs, wrapping them around him, trying to hug him. “ You ’ re the man I love.”
“ I don ’ t deserve your love when all I can interpret is hate. That ’ s all they fed me when they took me away from you. Hate. Blood. Death. That ’ s all I see when I close my eyes.”
“ But it stops when you touch me, doesn ’ t it?” I frantically challenge him as I squeeze my legs tighter around his hips.
“ It stops,” I repeat. “ Let me help you.”
He snickers an ominous rumble. “ Your help is only making it worse.”
I feel his weight press down upon me, his lips against my ear. “ The man you love can never be. The world will tear us apart. This is all I can give you. You want another stolen moment?”
The zipper of his pants sounds as he shuffles on the bed, struggling because I won ’ t dare loosen my legs from around him. He shifts, lifts my hips, and rips my cotton shorts off of me.
“ Is this what you want?” His voice has a shadow of weakness. He wants me to tell him to stop. To mean it. He wants me to deny him, allowing him to become the monster they have constantly tried to force him to be.
“ No,” I swallow as I shift my hips up, pressing my center against his hardness. “ I want all of you.”
“ You can ’ t collect all my broken pieces.”
“ I can try. And those I don ’ t find I ’ ll just make a new.”
“ You can ’ t sculpt from ashes, Mila. It ’ s already been burned down—unstable and unable to hold its shape again. All you will do is create a mess.”
“ My life is a mess so you will fit in perfectly.”
“ You ’ re destined to fail.”
“ Not all failures are losses.”
A sharp intake of air sends a ripple up my spine. His hands press against my thighs as he spreads me open for him. A blush burns my face when the cold chill in the room presses against my wet core. “ Will you take it or leave it, Mila? This is all I can give you. Blind pleasure hidden from the world. That ’ s all I ’ ll risk to stop this insanity. Nothing more.”
“ I ’ m not giving up on us, Dash. You ’ ll say you love me one day.”
“ I guarantee if that day happens, it still won ’ t be enough, little fox.” He moves, lining up his thickness to my core, and then he thrusts deep inside of me, sliding in with a slight ease because of how wet I am. I grasp the ropes as he holds himself still, allowing my body to stretch around him, letting the shocking pain of him inside me settle into an addiction.
He nuzzles my neck. “ You ’ re the monster.” He whispers as he pulls out. “ Fuck, this body! It ’ s all I think about. Sinking so deep into you so that you break.”
I match his movements, clenching my muscles as tight as I can around him. I need this: his passion, the madness, the loss of control.
I have to take everything because that ’ s who Dash is. He ’ s not good or evil; he ’ s lost, and the only way he can be found is to collect every aspect of him. Every dirty deed and heroic gesture.
Everything.
“ This body is yours if you ’ d take it, Dash,” I confess as my breath catches in my throat.
“ I have taken it! You ’ re mine!” He jerks my hips higher, hitting me deeper now. Then he adds his hand to my sex, circling his fingers around my swollen center.
I want to scream and shout, beg him like I ’ m pleading to a god on my knees at an altar to save my soul.
It ’ s too much, but never enough!
“ Not in every way. Love me, and then you ’ ll have all of me.” I pant as my orgasm starts to ravage me.
“ I,” Thrust. “ Hate,” oh god! I ’ m going to come! “ You!” He shouts, tearing open his heart, so it bleeds for me. At the same time, he grows thicker before he spills inside of me.
I know what you want to say, baby. You want to tell me you love me so badly that it paralyzes you, and you don ’ t know how to admit you ’ re terrified, so you ’ re going to push me far away so I can ’ t watch you stumble through life without me.
I see fire, stars burning so brightly they blind me, forever altering my vision. Then his weight presses against me, his forehead rests between my breasts, and what feels like a few tears touch my hot skin as they fall down my side.
“ Dash, untie me,” I murmur tenderly, needing to catch his tears.
“ Shhh,” he growls.
He’s crying , I know it. I want to hold him so badly, to lick those tears and replace them with my love.
He moves, and then the ropes slip free. I sit up and pull off the tie to see him perched on the side of the bed, leaning forward with his head in his hands.
I inch forward and touch his back. “ Dash,” He flinches like my voice is a flame that touches his skin.
“ Come to bed with me.”
“ Why can ’ t you just hate me?” His honesty feels like a gift, but one you know is broken before you rip it open, so you hold onto it for one second before you are brave enough to open it and see all the shattered pieces inside.
I grab his shoulders, forcing him to lie back. What happened when you were gone? What has broken you down so much that you ’ re handing me control?
He lays back but keeps his eyes closed. I ’ m scared to push him anymore, so I lay down beside him, curling into his side, trying to be the bigger spoon.
“ How can you hate your heart? It gives you life.” I reply as I kiss his skin, and then I close my eyes, savoring this rare moment.
I know every step forward we take is followed by two steps back; slowly, though, we are making progress.