Chapter 41
Dash
I shouldn ’ t be here, standing over my father’s grave, looking down at the wooden box that holds his flesh and bones.
I look at Mom ’ s grave, at the headstone that has moss clinging to the letters etched in the marble. Years ago, I stood here as a boy who had lost all hope.I clutched the dirt from the hole that would cradle my mother in the palm of my hand. My father watched as I held the dirt, unable to let it go. I took the dirt and placed it in my pocket. When I got home, I grabbed my mother ’ s small jewelry box that she kept on her nightstand and put the dirt inside. Then, I shoved the box into my closet.
Today, I hold that box out over my father ’ s grave. I can finally release the dirt. Mom won’t be alone anymore.
I flip open the lid and shake the dirt free. “ Now you can be together again,” I whisper as I watch the dirt fall like sad dirty snow that stains the top of his coffin.
I hate that I ’ m here and feeling. I shouldn ’ t feel! My father ’ s death should not have awakened this beast inside of me.
But it did.
I feel Mila’s eyes begging me to turn and see her, to run and cry in her arms regardless of the men watching—ruthless men who have long forgotten how to create tears.
God, she looks beautiful, even when she cries like she is right now. My little fox, what do I do with you? I can ’ t let you run free, but I can ’ t love you either. You ’ re trapped, running in a void of my darkness.
I shove my mother ’ s box towards her. The only way we can be together is when they mix the dirt of our graves.
◆◆◆
I dismiss the entire staff. No one needs to be here to see what was coming. I enter my father ’ s office and walk to the far window. Outside, I know my brothers were waiting for me, watching in case I decide to light a match that would set the world ablaze.
They all came, not for Dad, but for me. Every single one, even Anders. They ’ re all here making sure I don ’ t destroy myself in my rage.
Pivoting, I inhale the scent of old books, aged wood, and lingering cedar from the fireplace. How many times have I entered this office in fear? So many, that dread became too hard to acknowledge until now.
My father is dead. So easily, a king was toppled.
How will I keep Mila, my cousins, and everyone else I care about safe?
I round the desk, grab his chair, and look down at it. I don ’ t know if I should be grateful there was no time for a final goodbye or not.
My uncles tried to trace the bullet, but all we found out was that the bullet had a name etched in it. Not my father ’ s, but my uncle Lucas. The bullet was meant for him, but that feels like a lie, too. Dad smiled at me and grinned like he was proud, like he was taking a mental snapshot. He walked into that dinner, sensing it would be his last.
I know it.
I think my uncles do, too; that ’ s why they told me to back off and let them handle it. They don ’ t want me to dig and find out the truth. I begin to open his desk drawer by drawer, finding no clues until I remember the hidden drawer. Dad always used to hide gifts for Mom in here. A tug of the wooden latch has the secret compartment dropping down, and there it is. A single letter is tucked inside with my name written on it.
“ You bastard.” You wouldn ’ t write a letter if you didn ’ t know your clock was ending.
My son, it ’ s hard for me to write this. To be honest, I need to cut down every tree to have enough paper to apologize to you.
I ’ m not supposed to leave this behind, but it's the only way I can allow them to take my soul. If they knew, they would retaliate; maybe they already know, and I will be mourning the fact that you joined your mother and me far too soon.
There is so much to explain, so much to do, and never enough time. Time is so cruel and valuable; like love, you crave more of it yet shun what it does to you, how it ages you, turns you older and perceptive, and strips you bare as it caresses you.
I have kept a lot about your mother and me a secret.
No, I can ’ t tell you now.
I do need to tell you that I don ’ t want you to mourn me. I ’ ve waited for this day, pleaded for it, for the suffering to stop. Life without your mother has been like treading thrashing waters; someday, I swallow too much and choke; other days, I fight to stay alive, to watch you grow.
I wish I could have raised you differently. It ’ s my biggest regret yet proudest moment. I needed to know you could survive.
You can.
Even when you feel surrounded, you now have the tools and friends to keep you breathing.
I can die peacefully knowing that.
I ’ m sorry, I was never the man who got to teach you how to kick a ball, who stood on the sidelines and cheered along with the crowd as you scored. But I need you to know that I was there all along, watching and cheering, crying as I knew you suffered to learn the skills they forced upon you.
I know you sensed something amiss. Someone is controlling us, but one day, you will get the chance to lessen their grip.
Don ’ t fight them; please tell Titan not to either. Everything will rest on Titan ’ s shoulders, but he will need you and Damian to keep his legs steady. A King can ’ t rule alone. He needs generals, so to speak.
You ’ ll be a shining one. A deadly one. That makes me proud.
My time here is almost done. It was conspired out years ago, and life has just been a plot in which I knew every step.
This doesn ’ t make sense, but it will. The time is coming when the Kings will be tested, and although you won ’ t have to bear the burden of the final test, that ’ s Titan ’ s job, I can die knowing you will survive.
Dying is my final test, and I welcome it.
I know you love Mila. I ’ m sorry I allowed your mother to teach you how to love. I always had a hard time telling your mother no. Maybe it ’ s for the best; having love will keep you and your cousins stronger than even your uncles and I were.
Love her, Dash, love them, and die knowing you loved and had something your enemies didn ’ t.
I love you, my son. You ’ re the greatest gift of all, and I ’ d die for you a million times over.
I wish I could have told you that as you grew, but I knew if I did, then you would have fought for me. You ’ d never allow me to give up my spot for you. You would have ridden into battle alongside me. We both would have died, son. I couldn ’ t allow that to happen; none of your uncles could have, so we made sure you hated us because that was the only way you ’ d let us die.
My time is up, Dash. I didn ’ t love every minute of it. The only memories I hold dear are you and your mother. Having your mother ’ s love made me the happiest man in the world, but you, my son, seeing you grow made me the proudest man.
I hope you will forgive me one day. In the end, I did it all for you, and I would gladly take the bullet again.
Burn this; erase it from your mind!
Tell no one! Not even your cousins.
Consequences spread, so stop the sickness. Let my words heal, not destroy you boys.
Get rid of this and the memory of a dying man ’ s confessions. It will all make sense. A terrible truth will come forth soon.
He fucking knew that bullet was for him, even though it didn ’ t have his name on it, he knew he was going to take it in order to save his brother and me!
The villain is not supposed to be the martyr! That's not how this story is supposed to go!
I don ’ t move from his desk. The sun slowly inches out of the office, replaced by the eerie glow of the moonlight.
This letter is a delusion. Maybe it ’ s a trick to drive me insane. Why would he warn me but beg me to keep my lips sealed?
Titan bears the burden of what?
I read the letter one more time before I grab a match and watch it burn. I don ’ t know what to believe. The world feels like it ’ s shaking.
I know what I need to do.
I need to hide Mila, keep her safe, keep them all safe, and find out what the letter is referring to.