Chapter 15
Adam
That smile could fell a man, and knowing this, I glanced away and ran a hand through my hair. “Great. What can I do?”
How about not voluntarily putting yourself in the position to touch this woman?Yeah, apparently, that was too logical for this brain.
“How about something simple—can you just, uh…”
She bit her lip and sent a bolt of heat through me with the small action.
She didn’t finish the thought, and I hung on the pause like the biggest sucker of all time. “What? Just tell me.”
I hoped she couldn’t hear the pleading in my voice. She couldn’t understand the whip of need making me want to practically beg her to release that soft lip and end my torture.
Or you could go taste it for yourself.
With a slow exhale, I banished the thought.
“Sorry, so, can you just slowly roll up your sleeves?”
Her gaze tracked down to my shirt. I often wore them rolled but for some reason hadn’t today—likely because I’d only thrown on this shirt in place of a worn-out T-shirt before I came to see her.
“Sure.” I unbuttoned one cuff, then the other, and slowly rolled the right side to just below my elbow. As I finished the left, I glanced up at her and found her eyes glued to my forearms. “So… that it?”
She bit her lip again, and I could’ve sworn she wore a hooded expression.
“Yep. Perfect. And now, can you just… lean in the doorway?”
Her voice had gotten soft and low. Her apartment shrank to the size of a dime, and I saw it all in an instant—me walking over and sliding a hand into her hair, drawing her face close and her lips to meet mine. Had I ever wanted something with such a vivid ache?
For that reason, I took her request on the go and walked to her front door, holding it open for her until, with a wrinkle of her brow, she came and held it for me. Then, facing where she stood inside the apartment, I crossed my arms and leaned in the doorframe.
“Like this?”
She tucked a smile away, eyes skating over me from head to toe, lingering on my arms for a moment before nodding. “Exactly. Thank you, kind sir.”
After that, I took my leave for fear I’d act on those baser impulses and throw practice to the wind in favor of experience.
“Great. See you soon, Josie.” And I bolted, the excuses of her eating before her food got cold and needing to get something unintelligible done tripping off my tongue as I let myself out.
As the week wore on, the image of Jo’s eyes turning liquid as I caged her in against the counter had burrowed in and burned itself into my mind.
I closed my eyes and there she was, her full lips parting and her lashes fluttering, those brown eyes begging me to step into her space, to press her against the counter and maybe bend her, force her back just a little, and take her mouth.
And that was why I’d asked Ethan to come by and bring me lunch at work. Or, he’d offered to come to me, and I’d accepted, recognizing my own feeble ability to stay away from Jo if I happened to walk by All Booked Up and she was behind the counter. Instead of risking it, I gratefully accepted E’s offer and he arrived right on time.
“Hey. I got you an Italian sub and chips,” he said, tossing a paper-wrapped cylinder and bag of chips onto my desk between us as he took a seat.
“Thanks. That’s perfect. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner—we had a meeting.”
We had a lot of people international right now, and even more around the state. Since Tristan didn’t want to take travel jobs as often if he could help it, and Beast couldn’t leave for a bit, we were retooling more frequently. So far, we’d made it work, but it signaled a need for more staff with the desire to travel, and I’d said as much to Bruce and Wilder. They’d both agreed, so we’d see what came up in the next few weeks.
“So is there a purpose for this meeting, or are you just embracing the convenience of both of us living in the same town?” Ethan asked, already taking a huge bite of his sandwich.
“Can’t it be both? I do enjoy that we both live here, especially when we take a minute to actually see each other.”
In truth, we did a terrible job of it. We should have a standing lunch or dinner, but so far, we’d just worked each other in when we could. Sometimes, it meant going weeks without in-person contact. Other times, we hung out every other day.
Either way, I’d take it over living states apart without question.
“I suppose so. I know a lot of that is on me… the shop’s doing well, but it’s just… it’s a lot.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair.
“You don’t owe me an apology. You’re juggling a new business—you’re the boss and the idea man and everything. From what I can tell, you’re doing a great job.” He really did amaze me. I couldn’t imagine doing it all on my own—it sounded awful.
I was used to being given a task or mission and executing it with my team. I didn’t want to be the person who figured out which mission to choose, too. I liked leading, but not being the ultimate, buck-stops-here man in charge. I’d leave that to Wilder and Bruce, especially since I knew I could trust them.
We ate in silence for a few minutes, each wolfing down our sandwiches in short order. You could take the Carter brothers out of the Army, but you’d be hard-pressed to take the Army out of the Carter brothers when it came to eating.
Ethan finished first and leaned back in his chair, draped in it like he owned the place. “So tell me… been on any dates lately?”
I shook my head as I finished my last bite. “No, and you know that for a fact.”
“Do I?”
His dark blue eyes locked with mine and I studied him, my heart rate kicking up. Did he… did he somehow know how I felt about Jo?
“I’m not seeing anyone, E. You know I’m a mess with nothing to offer.”
His head dropped all the way back and he sighed dramatically. “Well, that’s exactly why I don’t know for sure you’re not dating—because that line is just a pile of junk. You’re not a mess and you have plenty to offer.”
I wiped my fingers with a napkin, then tossed it into the trash. “I’m a thirty-eight-year-old divorced ex-soldier with a decent job and a small house and… what? Five hundred pounds of baggage dragging behind me? I don’t mean to sound like I pity myself. I just mean practically, for a woman who wants marriage and a future with someone, that’s not me, so I don’t have that available.”
He sobered and stared at me with no trace of humor, so I busied myself with packing up the paper from my sandwich and then studiously drinking water from my bottle.
“I get that you’ve got a past, but who doesn’t? I know you bought the line that it was all your fault you and Marlee didn’t work out, but that’s just not true.”
Teeth on edge, I took a slow breath, held it, then released it. “I’m not going to act like I didn’t ruin my marriage. I did. And it wasn’t one thing, it was years of not prioritizing it or her. So I can’t sit here and act like I know what to offer someone else when I failed the woman I promised to love and cherish.”
“You drained the life out of me, Adam. You killed anything good between us, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone like I did you. But you’ll never change—you’ll always want what you want, and God help the woman who thinks she can change you.”
I heard Marlee’s voice echoing in my mind. My ex-wife hadn’t meant to be cruel when we finally divorced, but she’d been so raw. She’d made clear that I’d left scars—my choices had hurt her.
Ethan’s hand smacked the desk in a rare show of impatience. “I’m done with this. You got married when you were twenty. Twenty, Adam. You’re on the dark side of your midthirties, and you are not the same man you were. Literally no one is. You were an idiot back then and you didn’t do right by Marlee, but she didn’t do right by you either. You guys never should’ve gotten married, and there’s no way around that. But just because you had a marriage blow up when you were practically a child groom doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful relationship now.”
The compassion and frustration in his eyes prodded me, but he couldn’t understand. He had no idea what it was like to be married to someone I thought I’d love forever and then watch it all crumble. And not in a day or a month, but after five years, to see how we’d both made so many small choices that led us away from each other and so few that turned us back toward each other. By the end, we were resentful and angry and hurt and it was a mess.
And while she did play a role, looking back I could see my determination to work and progress in the Army had been like a mistress to me. I may not have cheated on Marlee with another person, but I’d let her be a distant second to the love of my life at that time—the Army. Damn, but it made me cringe to think of the arrogance and misguided mindset I’d had then.
How could I act like the intervening years had given me some great insight into myself and what I could bring to a relationship? I’d dated two other women for a few months each in the time since then, and in each case, I’d felt the same pull to do whatever I wanted to do and not prioritize them. With Marlee’s words always ringing in my ears and the utter brokenness between us as we parted leaving a long shadow, how was I supposed to trust that what she said—what my own choices have proved—had changed?
When I didn’t respond, Ethan swore, his frustration doubling. “I just wish you’d give yourself a chance to find someone—the right person. At a time when you’re not trying to climb the ranks, you’re not deploying all the time, and you’re not a total idiot anymore.”
I chuckled at the insult because it was so accurate. “The ‘right’ person is a myth. There’s not just one person for each of us. If so, you’d never see people who lose their partner find someone else.”
Waving a hand, he acquiesced to the point. “Fine, sure. But I do think there are some people we’re more compatible with. And maybe there is something to the idea of a soul mate—someone we’ll fit together with well enough that when it gets hard, we’re willing to try. We’re ready to fight.”
A cocktail of shame and regret and frustration sloshed in my gut. “Let’s worry less about me.”
He shook his head. “Haven’t you ever learned that all I do is worry about you?”
I could say the same to him. Instead, I attempted logic.
“I wish you wouldn’t. I’m happy here. I’ve got friends and a life and I’m settling in well. It’s been a year since I moved.” What more did he expect?
What more was there?
Love. Sharing your life with someone. Committing to a person and partnering with them to build a life with them.
But who would be “right” for me?
Josephine Malcom comes to mind…
I didn’t appreciate the intrusive thought or the suggestion that my own brain dared to lob at me indicating that maybe I wasn’t as happy as I liked to believe. I wouldn’t buy it.
Nor could I now entertain a thought like that about Jo. It was too…
Too tempting. Too alluring and something I wanted far too much.
Ethan sighed again. “Listen, I’m not the arbiter of what makes you happy, but you’ve got a lot of love to give. You love your friends and me so damn well, I hate the idea that you won’t ever be a husband or father. It’s just wrong, A, and I want you to stop outright refusing yourself the possibility.”
He stared at me with this face he’d always had—the one that wouldn’t let this go until I gave. At least a little. So I nodded. “Fine. I won’t refuse the possibility.”
“Good.”
“Yeah, good. And now, tell me when you’re going to ask Jo out.”
His eyes widened and then ping-ponged around my office like I’d genuinely surprised him. “Me? You want me to ask Jo out?”
There it was again, this hint he knew something about my feelings for her—or, our chemistry.
Not feelings. Chemistry and friendship.
But he’d had a crush on her since he’d moved here, so why would he think I’d do anything, never mind the age difference and all my aforementioned issues.
“Yes. Don’t you want to?”
He laughed, but it came out thin and a little odd. “Uh, I mean she’s great. Obviously. But I don’t think she feels that way about me. I’ve told you this.”
“Right, but will you know if you don’t ask? I’m not pressuring you, I’m just trying to… encourage you. To be bold.”
He huffed. “Be bold.”
“Yeah. Go after what you want.”
He gave me the most intense, critical glare I’d ever received from him. “Yeah? I should go after what I want? That’s your advice for me?”
I swallowed, wondering if somehow I would regret this, but forging on, fully in big-brother mode.
“Yes. Absolutely. Go after what you want?—”
A knock came on the door, and then my stomach flipped and dropped.
Because there was Jo.