Chapter 16
Jo
Imade what I considered a valiant attempt to disguise the hurt coursing through me but didn’t even attempt to mask my frustration with these two doofuses.
Hadn’t we connected these last few weeks? Hadn’t Adam felt what I did when we touched? I exhaled out the befuddlement and shoved it down into the same hole my feelings had managed to crawl out of lately. Curse you, zombie crush!
“Hey, guys. Just thought I’d say hi.”
Jess was finishing up a quick meeting, and I’d thought it’d be fun to see Adam. Stop in to say hi and maybe check out his office, get a feel for his professional life.
Little did I expect to hear my name as I wandered up. “You want me to ask Jo out?” This from Ethan, and then all the brotherly nudging I could take until I made myself known.
Served me right for eavesdropping, though I hadn’t exactly planned on it. But honestly, why was Adam trying to force Ethan on me? Ethan and I were friends, and he knew that. I’d have to make it abundantly clear to Adam that I didn’t want Ethan like that, and I didn’t think I ever would. I’d wished I felt something more for him more than once, and I simply didn’t.
And Ethan appeared to have accepted it. He certainly didn’t seem to be taking his brother’s suggestion with much enthusiasm, so hopefully what he’d portrayed to me—accepting our friendship for what it was—wasn’t untrue.
“Jo! Hi!” Ethan stood and wrapped me in a hug that was a little much, but okay. Fine.
Adam also stood, an expression I couldn’t read on his stupid, handsome face.
“Hey, Jo. What brings you in?”
His voice was smooth, and if it weren’t for the total absence of a smile, I might’ve thought everything was normal.
I might’ve believed he didn’t suspect I’d overheard his conversation.
“I’m catching up with Jess over lunch. Just thought I’d swing by and say hi while I wait for her to wrap up a meeting.”
“Nice,” Ethan said, smiling in the adorable way he had that would’ve put me at ease if it weren’t for his brother.
My heart squeezed in awkwardness and hurt, but I shoved the thought away.
“It’s not going to be easy, but I know you two can do this,” Bruce Camden’s voice said as footsteps drew closer down the hallway.
A low grunting sound rumbled, and then Jess arrived in the doorway, her face a mask of boredom.
“Ready?” Her eyes shifted to Ethan, then Adam, and she gave them chin-lift nods. In the hallway, Beast ambled by with a scowl the size of Antarctica, and Bruce gave me a cheery wave as he passed.
“Yes. Let’s head out.” To the annoying brothers I didn’t know what to do with, I said, “Have a good day,” and that was that.
Jess was several inches shorter than me, but her stride might as well have been that of Adam or Tristan, or dare I say it, Beast, because she walked with the purpose and rage of a man twice her size who’d been wronged. We didn’t speak, and I clutched my purse and lightly jogged to keep up with her as we made our way to the restaurant.
Within ten minutes, Jess and I were nestled into a corner booth at Guac. I’d enjoyed several chips dripping with salsa, but she just sat there, stewing at her water as though she could bring it to a boil given enough time.
The waiter brought a large serving of guacamole and set it down between us, and that seemed to unlock her. After she shoveled more than a few chips and guac and sat back enough to take a big breath, I took my shot.
“So. Fun first few days back?” I dared ask, willing her to open up a bit.
Generally, she kept things close to the vest. Of the women I considered my closest friends and saw regularly, I knew the least about her. Part of it was due to her being gone the last few months, but part of it was because she didn’t let anyone get all that close.
Humor flickered across her face, and the anxious energy filling up my chest eased a little.
“So fun.”
I chuckled. “Any chance you can elaborate on that, or is it all supersecret?”
She blew out a breath, evidently still working to calm herself. “You know Beast and I don’t get along, right?”
I nodded because everyone knew this. If one of them showed up at Craic on a Friday night, the other left. They gave each other wide berths at events where the Saint staff all gathered, and then there was the infamous trip Jess had just gone on because she’d told the Saint leadership something had to give, and apparently Beast had refused to budge, so she left.
“Well, I left and had some time to think. I also did some virtual sessions with a therapist. I was feeling really good… and then I got back here and—” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “He just infuriates me so quickly. I feel like I’m another person around him.”
Treading carefully, I asked, “Can you tell me why? I mean, I don’t want to pry, but I’ve always wondered. You seem pretty chill, so it’s a surprise to me you’d hate someone so vehemently.”
A hollow chuckle slipped out as she dipped a chip in guacamole. “It’s a long story. But I promise it’s not for nothing. And I do think I should be honest and admit I’m not actually all that chill.”
Her sorry not sorry face had me laughing. “I guess I can see that. I mean, you had to be one of very few women in your field, right?”
She widened her eyes. “You can look at Saint’s staff and see the mix there—me and Eddie are here, we’ve got Amani and Sariah overseas. So, four. And that’s to the twelve or fourteen men?”
I hadn’t realized there were even that many women working for Saint, but it was still a slim percentage. In truth, I hadn’t realized there were that many men either. They had so many people who didn’t work from here in Utah that it didn’t shock me, but still. The company had grown so much in such a short time.
“Well, that’s a bigger ratio than any team or squadron I served on. A few had more, but in most of them, I was one of two or the one and only woman.” She shrugged. “You get used to it. But yeah. Meekness, not speaking up, none of that is an option, and I’m not about to start now.”
“Fair enough. I wouldn’t want you to.” I sipped my water as I wondered how best to ask my next question. “Hear me when I say I selfishly want you to stay here, but would it be better if you kept to an overseas assignment? Is that something you’d want if it was even an option?”
“I could go out and stay out because they don’t have enough bodies for overseas jobs right now, but frankly, no. I’ve lived the life where I’m always on alert, always ready to go, always living out of a bag. I’m not interested in that being my next phase. I want—” She cleared her throat. “I want more for myself.” Her cheeks brightened with a blush.
I raised my glass. “I absolutely love that, and I’m right there with you. Here’s to asking for more.”
She touched her glass to mine and grinned. “Amen, sister.”
We both drank deeply, then our food arrived. After a few minutes of blissful chowing down, Jess leaned on an elbow and said, “So, tell me about you and Doc.”
I took my time chewing, wondering just how ignorant to play this. But I knew Doc was Adam, and she knew I knew it. I also knew she was a world-class professional operator and had likely read some level of weirdness in the room when she’d walked into his office.
There wasn’t much point in pretending she meant Ethan or that I didn’t know what she meant in the first place, so I landed on “I’m not sure.”
“Okay. But you guys are friends, right? You’re hanging out fairly often, from what I’ve heard.”
I straightened. “You’ve heard?”
“Honey, you live in a small town, and your friend Adam works with a bunch of ex-soldiers who, I’m sorry to tell you, are the biggest pack of gossips you’ll ever meet.”
Realizing my mouth had opened and nothing had emerged, I snapped my jaw shut.
“So disappointing to realize, right? All these big, strapping men, literal American heroes, and they might as well be sitting around the poker tables at Silverton Springs for the amount of gossiping they do. Well, except Bruce does play penny poker over there with Rosie and Amir, so he’s like double the gossip.”
The image of Bruce sitting at a table with Nikki’s grandma gabbing about me and Adam was so ridiculous, I cackled. “Are they really? Why can’t I picture it?”
She shook her head but smiled so brightly, she clearly loved this. “Honestly, no idea. If these men are professional soldiers and badasses first, they are gossipy old biddies second.”
We laughed for a while, longer than really necessary but enough to shake me out of the weird funk I’d been in.
“Me and Adam… great question. He’s been awesome. Helped me with some personal stuff going on. And we’ve had a few moments where I’ve thought maybe…” I sighed. “I don’t know. And what I do know is he’s not interested in dating or marriage, and he doesn’t believe in romance.”
The horrified look that crossed her face made me giggle.
“How horrible.”
“Right? And I know he’s got a past. I know that. I don’t know exactly what, but I just… there’s this stupid part of me that feels like maybe something could happen between us, but I also know that wishing someone would change who they are and what they want for you is just foolish. It’s like I’m begging for heartbreak over here.”
Her eyes held so much compassion. I knew for a fact whatever came next would be something important.
“I can tell you that love is often worth the risk.” She smiled down at her hands, brushing her thumb over the knuckles of her left hand. “But I can also tell you getting stuck hoping someone will change, or that they’ll want you enough to change, is a formula for heartbreak.”
I wondered how she’d gained such knowledge but didn’t want to push her. Instead, I thanked her. “I’ll take that wisdom. And I think from now on, I’m just going to try to give him space. I can’t separate out the feelings I have for him and those hopes, so I think I need to let those fade a bit before I can be around him one on one again.”
“That sounds smart. And you can always change your mind, you know? You get to choose whether you see him as a friend or whether you make him wish he didn’t suck so bad and could man up and be good to you the way you want.”
We chuckled and I grinned.
“Okay, now enough about real-life disappointments. Let’s talk books.”