Chapter 19
Five days. That was how long it’d been since I last saw or spoke to Dinero. The first night, I tossed and turned with worry, so I immediately began blowing up his phone. All my calls went ignored until he finally sent me a message, telling me that he needed some time to get his mind right.
A simple text message confirmed that he still had breath in his body, but it brought no comfort to my spirit. The boys returned home that night, but I decided not to tell them until we were all together. My sons were very in tune with me, so they immediately asked what was wrong with me when they noticed my reddened eyes and disheveled hair. I made up some excuses about my date going terribly, which wasn’t a lie. Therron had the nerve to text me, asking for another date. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to date someone like him. Cashmir seemed to be content with my answer, while Cashynn wanted to know where the man lived so he could beat him up.
Work seemed to drag today, or maybe it was because my mind was so preoccupied with so many other things. Tamia sent messages to check on me, and I appreciated her so much. She made it a point to stop by every night on her way home from work. When she showed up at the house, I probably scared her with how distraught I was. It took a whole hour before I got around to telling her the results of the test. She held me and stroked my hair while reminding me of how strong I was. Everyone seemed so convinced of this, except me.
By the time my shift ended, I grew increasingly worried. Something in my gut wouldn’t settle, and I needed an answer. Although Dinero was a hot head, I doubted he would make any rash decisions without considering the consequences—or at least the Dinero I remembered wouldn’t. However, the anger in his eyes that night made me reconsider.
“Have you heard anything?” Tamia asked for the tenth time.
“No. I reached out to Dreis to check on him, but he told me he wasn’t at his house. I’m about two seconds from filing a missing person’s report on him because this is getting ridiculous. No one has heard from him, and he hasn’t posted anything on social media. I understand needing a break, but not telling anyone where you are is irresponsible,” I vented.
“Well, if another day passes and you still haven’t heard from him, I think we may need to get the police involved.”
“This is too much. I feel so guilty about?—”
“Don’t. You were young, traumatized, and heartbroken. You made decisions you thought were best for you and your children. I understand if this is hurtful to Money, but at the end of the day, nothing you say or do will change any of this. Now the two of you have to figure out a way to co-exist with this new normal. There’s no point in you trying to carry the weight of it all, because everyone played a role in the miscommunication of all of this.”
“I know, but our boys have missed out on so much, and now I may have fucked up the relationship before it even started.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you over the years it’s that you never give up. Give him some time to adjust, and he’ll come around. You said it yourself that Money has always been the one person you could count on. I’m sure he will be the same way for his children. This situation isn’t the easiest for anyone to handle, so it’s hard for me to tell you how to handle it. All I’ll say is try to do everything in your power to keep open communication with him. It will all work out.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m not religious, but you can’t tell me this doesn’t feel like fate. What are the odds this man meets his own sons at a football camp? In my heart, I believe this is all happening for a reason. You just have to stay the course and allow things to work out the way they are supposed to.”
“You always know the right things to say.”
“Oh, please, Rae. I would never have made it through life or school without you and your words of encouragement. I know this isn’t the way you envisioned things unfolding, but if I’ve learned nothing else in life, it’s that you’ve got to trust the process.” I nodded, realizing her words were true. I never had much control over the things I’d experienced in my life, but somehow, life had begun to fall in place for me. Dinero’s return would be a blessing to my children, and I refused to believe anything else.
“Alright. Well, I’ve taken enough time in your therapist’s chair. I’m sure you have real clients to tend to. I’ll call you back if I hear anything else.”
“Okay, boo. I’m here if and when you need me.”
I pulled into my driveway, but my mind was so preoccupied that I missed the figure sitting on the front steps outside of my house. Hurriedly, I turned off the car, hopped out, and raced over to where he was.
“Hey, where have you been?” I kneeled to see his face. Dinero had bags under his eyes, and it looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. His body smelled like a mix of liquor and cologne.
“Are you okay?” My hands cupped his face as he stared everywhere but at me.
“Everybody lies,” he uttered, catching me off guard.
“What are you talking about?”
“Everybody lies. All of you. All of the people I’ve ever trusted have lied to me. I’m always the person coming to everyone’s rescue, and y’all can’t even tell me the truth.” He scoffed. I wasn’t sure who else he was referring to, but I recognized that he was drunk and needed to sleep it off.
“Let me get you in the house.” I reached for his arm, but he moved it back.
“Don’t touch me. I don’t need to be babied or helped right now. I want to know why everybody lies.”
“I can’t answer that. Every circumstance isn’t the same. Some people lie because they are selfish. Some lie because they know the truth will hurt the people they love, and they want to protect them.”
“Oh yeah? And which category do you fall under?”
“I ask myself the same question often. All I can say is that I’ve never intentionally tried to hurt anyone. Nor have I ever lied to save my own ass. What happened between us was a case of young people dealing with grown-up situations, I guess. There were a lot of things I didn’t know then that I know now.”
“And what’s that?” Even under the influence, his eyes pierced through my soul.
“Can we talk inside?” I held my hand out for him to grab. He ignored me, but he got up from the step to follow me into the house. I turned the air down because the temperature in here constantly changed.
“Do you want some water?”
“No. I only came here for answers.”
“Well, in order to get the answers you’re looking for, you’re gonna need to drink this water. I need you sober for this conversation.” Dinero glared at me, and I responded with a smirk.
“You’re bossier than I remember.”
“Yeah, well, I had to learn to be more assertive since I no longer had my protector.” His eyes softened, but he remained silent. It was crazy to be sitting in a room with him after all these years. When I looked at him, all I saw was my hero, the person who helped me at a time when I didn’t have anyone. Dinero held my hand during some of the worst moments of my life, and now here we were in such a weird space.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” Nero inquired.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m taking it all in. These last two weeks have been a wild ride, and I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact that we have children together.”
“Who are you telling? I went from one kid to three overnight. I haven’t had much time to process it.” I flinched when he mentioned having another child. Since our split, I made it a point to stay away from anything concerning his personal life because I didn’t think I would be able to handle seeing him with the family that should have been ours. We sat awkwardly as I watched him chug the bottle of water I’d given him.
“Do you want to take a shower? You can use the guest bathroom if you need to.”
“You tryna say I stink?” Nero chuckled.
“I wouldn’t necessarily say it in that way. I’m just used to you being… fresher, if that makes sense.” The boys would be home in a couple of hours, and I wouldn’t want them to see him in this condition.
“You never answered my question earlier. You said there were a lot of things you didn’t know then that you know now,” he pressed, kicking his shoes under my coffee table.
“When I found out I was pregnant, it seemed as if my world was ending and beginning all at the same time. The doctors told me that there was a chance they wouldn’t make it, and if by some miracle they did, I would likely not be able to have any more kids because of the trauma I’ve suffered. When your aunt gave me those pills, it wasn’t my first time having an abortion.
“One of the families I lived with took me to a woman who did abortions in her basement. I was only eleven, and they didn’t want anyone to know about what was going on, so they tried to fix the issue themselves. I ended up getting really sick, but they never took me to the hospital because they were afraid of what would happen to them. It was a miracle that I even got pregnant the second time, and when I found out about the twins, the doctor made it clear that due to the scar tissue, it would be next to impossible for me to get pregnant if I terminated another pregnancy. They were the last chance I would have to become a mother.
“Throughout my whole pregnancy, I worried about whether or not I would be able to love them the way they deserved. Now I know that there isn’t anything that could ever change the way I feel about them. The moment those results came, a feeling of relief came over me, but the strength of my love for them never wavered. I realized that I allowed fear to hold me back for no reason. No matter who their father was, they would always be mine to love unconditionally. They saved me in ways I never imagined. They gave me strength on the days I wanted to give up.”
“Do you think you would have handled things differently if we hadn’t been broken up?” His question gave me something to think about. I never really considered the what ifs because they wouldn’t have changed my reality.
“I don’t know. I would have been afraid of you not accepting them if things had gone a different way, but I feel like you would have been there. That’s another thing I’ve learned from all of this. I underestimated the power of love. In my head, there was too much for us to recover from, and I thought I had to figure things out on my own. It was a foolish decision because whenever I found myself in a difficult situation, you were the only person I knew I could call.”
“So why the fuck didn’t you tell me! I’ve been racking my brain for the last five days, trying to understand how I dropped the ball. What did I do that made you feel as though you couldn’t trust me? You didn’t even give me the opportunity to help you or to make things right, and I thought you knew me better than that. If you would have come to me about what Drake did, none of this would have happened,” Dinero argued. There wasn’t much of a rebuttal on my end because it was true.
“I didn’t want you to look at me differently. I’ve always been damaged goods to the world but not to you. You made me feel like I mattered and that I was worth loving. I wouldn’t have survived you seeing me as dirty or ruined.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hands.
“Why would I ever see you that way? I would have been angry that it happened, but I would have never blamed you for it.”
“Be honest, Dinero. If you knew what Drake had done to me, would you have still wanted me?” He studied me for a moment as silence loomed over us.
“My love for you would have never wavered one way or the other. We wouldn’t have been together, though.” I swallowed the lump in my throat because hearing those words pained me.
“W-why not?”
“Because I would have been in prison for murder, and I would have never allowed you to wait for me.” Taking in his words, regret began to take over. I allowed my emotions to lead and made a mess of so many things.
“I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. I don’t know how to make this right.”
“Fuck!” I watched as Dinero stood and began to pace the room. The pained expression on his face caused my stomach to churn.
“I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but at the time, I was so broken. I never wanted you to see me that way.” I swiped my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. All this had brought back all the emotions I’d been holding in for so many years.
“I don’t know what to do either. I’m still trying to understand all of this. Every time I think about it, I get so mad. You were on the phone with me when I accused you of fucking him. You could have told me the truth right then, and I would have taken care of it. I would have made things right. Why didn’t you trust me? Fuck!” Dinero shouted, punching the wall next to me as I jumped. Even though I believed he would never physically harm me, I still felt uneasy.
“This is too much. I’m so fucking angry, I don’t trust myself right now because all I see is red. Everybody around me has been keeping secrets, and now I’m left trying to make sense of all of this shit. I don’t even know what to do with my anger because if I did what was on my heart, I would be in prison right now.”
My head dropped in disappointment, knowing I played a role in his anguish.
“I understand if you hate me. I probably deserve it.” He paused in the middle of the room before turning to face me.
“You didn’t trust me.” His statement caught me off guard.
“What?”
“You said I was your rock and the one person in the world you could count on, but when shit hit the fan, you didn’t trust me. You called me your hero, but how could I be if you didn’t feel safe enough to tell me the truth.” I stood there speechless because I had no answers for him. At the end of the day, Dinero’s feelings were valid. I shut down on him and closed myself off from receiving the support I needed.
We stood there, putting all our feelings on the table. Eventually, Dinero went outside and returned with two duffel bags in his hands.
“The linen closet is straight ahead when you go up the stairs. You can use the shower in our son’s bathroom, or you can take a bath in mine,” I offered.
“Damn, I must really smell like shit for you to keep offering it. I’m about to take a shower, but this is for you.” My eyes dropped down to the duffel bag that he placed at my feet. I eyed him curiously before opening it. My jaw dropped when I saw the stacks of money inside.
“W-what is this?” I’d never seen this amount of money before. It looked like he had robbed a bank.
“It’s yours.”
“Okay, but what is it for? This is a lot of money. I don’t need you clearing out your bank account for the kids. We’re perfectly fine.” Dinero chuckled heartily while I stood there, confused.
“Baby girl, that money right there wouldn’t even put a dent in my bank account. Just consider it a gift. Something you rightfully deserve. I will take you to the bank tomorrow to set up Cash and Moolah’s accounts. I’ll be depositing money into the accounts every two weeks. It will mainly be for their day-to-day expenses and an allowance for when they go places with their friends. Then, we can set one up for you for child support. I was thinking twenty thousand a month, but if you need more, we can negotiate.”
“Wait, why on earth would I need that kind of money a month? Not to mention the fact that you just handed me this enormous duffel bag full of money, which looks like more than eighteen years’ worth of child support. This is insane!” I shrieked. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t complaining about him wanting to give me money, but this was a bit excessive. If I walked into a bank with this amount of money, they would think I was doing something fraudulent.
“The money in that bag is for you only. Do whatever you want with it. If you want to blow it on vacations and a new house, then do that. There are no limits. However, the child support is to cover my children’s expenses. You shouldn’t be spending your money on them because that’s what my money is for,” Dinero explained, stepping closer to me. My breath hitched, and I tucked my hair behind my ear as butterflies rumbled in my belly.
“How expensive do you think they are? There’s no way I could spend twenty thousand every month.”
“Well, I plan to upgrade their wardrobe this weekend. I can’t be walking around in designer from head to toe and my kids aren’t. They’ll have their own rooms stocked with brand-new clothes and shoes, so you don’t need to send them with anything. Even if you don’t spend all of the money, it will be available to you to use how you see fit. If they want to take a family vacation, you can use the money for that as well.” My mind swirled as I listened to him tell me all this information. It was all happening too fast for me.
“I still think it’s too much, but I’m not gonna argue with you about it.” I conceded, still staring at the bag.
“You would have lost the argument anyway. When it comes to my sons, I’m gonna do what I want. Ain’t no such thing as too much concerning them.”
“Yeah, okay. Go right ahead and create a monster if you want. I’ll be sending them straight to you whenever they start asking for ridiculous things,” I fussed. We weren’t poor, but we lived a simple middle-class life. I wasn’t sure how I felt about them having access to this kind of money. However, there really wasn’t much I could do but pray it didn’t go to their heads. I didn’t raise spoiled and entitled children, and I wanted it to stay that way.
“That isn’t a threat to me, baby. They can have whatever they want,” Dinero declared.
“Well, they should be here soon. I’m sure they would appreciate it if you didn’t smell like you bathed in whiskey.” I rolled my eyes, pointing upstairs where the bathrooms were.
“I see you’ve got jokes. Alright, I’m going. Do you think you could order some food? I need something to soak up this liquor.”
“Yeah, I can.”
“Just make sure there are no toma?—”
“Tomatoes. I know what you like and don’t like, Money. You don’t need to remind me.” Dinero smirked as I pulled out my menus to decide what I wanted to order. The boys weren’t picky, so they would be happy with whatever.
By the time the food arrived, Cash and Moolah were coming through the door. Cash was excited to see Dinero, but Moolah didn’t share the same feelings. I blamed myself for his dislike for Dinero. We were going to sit them down and let them know about the results tonight. My only hope was that they would be able to rebuild now that there were no questions about their paternity. Only time would tell.