Chapter 4
four
Ishouldn’t have freaked out on Brett the way I did.
It wasn’t fair to him. He doesn’t even know what’s going on. I told him this was all his fault, but it isn’t. He isn’t the one who climbed on top and slid down his cock without a condom. That was me.
I can’t bring myself to be any angrier at myself, though. Not after the talk with the coaches. Not after knowing I’ve given up everything for this little tiny being inside of my stomach.
So my anger manifested itself until I hurled it at the first person who spoke to me.
I look back at him sitting in my living room. He looks so upset. I think I even saw tears in his eyes. I have seen him vulnerable, but not like this.
It was that look in his eye that had me backtracking.
I fucked up.
I finish making him tea before filling a glass of water for myself.
It’s weird how quickly my brain went from normal to pregnancy brain. I realized as I started making the tea that all of it had caffeine in it except my sleepy time tea. I don’t need to feel any more tired than I do, so no tea it is.
Grabbing his mug and my glass, I head into the living room. I hand him his before I curl up on the other end, turning to face him.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t right.”
He gives me a sad smile. “I’ll be your punching bag if that’s what you need. Whatever I can do to make you feel better. I don’t like seeing you upset like this.”
My heart hurts for him. He is willing to accept any scrap of affection I give his way, even if it means he has to endure abuse. That’s not right, nor is it fair.
“Brett, no. I don’t want to be mean to you and it be okay. You shouldn’t want that either.”
He swallows hard. “If the alternative is that I don’t get you at all, then I’m not sure I can accept that.”
“We aren’t dating,” I remind him.
“Only because you don’t want to be. I’m willing to be here in whatever capacity that you need me,” he promises.
“Why me? Don’t you have tons of girls in your bed, yet you keep running over here?” I spit out a little too bitterly for my liking.
“I haven’t slept with anyone else since sophomore year. I know you think I’m this playboy, but I haven’t been for a while.”
I didn’t realize that. I had no idea that he had been only with me since then. I mean, it’s not like we are together every single night. It’s another reason why that night with him was so reckless. I went and got checked at the clinic for STDs the Monday after just to be sure.
Little did I know he had impregnated me.
Sighing, I know I need to tell him the truth.
“I have to tell you something. Let me get it all out before you speak. It involves both of us, and I mean, it was bound to happen. We have been intimate for years now. I think we were fooling ourselves if we thought that it wasn’t going to happen.
It is reckless and crazy, but I have made my decision, and I won’t be taking any comments on it. ”
“Okay,” he tells me, looking up at me with hope in his eyes.
I’m about to crush him.
“I’m pregnant,” I say.
When he doesn’t speak right away, my heart starts to pound out of my chest. When another beat goes by, I start to get angry again.
“It’s obviously yours. I’ll get a test and everything, but you are the only one I have been intimate with for years.”
He blinks, shaking his head.
“What? Of course it’s mine. Fuck, buttercup. Don’t even insinuate it could be someone else’s. I might go feral on you.” He sucks in a breath. “We are pregnant?”
“I am pregnant,” I correct him.
He nods. “You said you made a decision. I want to let you know that no matter what, I’m here for you.
I will be the best baby daddy you could ever have.
I will be at every appointment and class and whatever else you need.
Late-night cravings? Call me, and I will get it.
” He stops then, his eyes going to his hands.
“If you’ve decided to not have it, I want to be there too.
I want to hold your hand and help you recover.
I want to be the man that shows up when you need it and supports you no matter what. ”
My eyes tear up. Of course he can’t be a shitbag frat boy who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. He has to be a kind and caring soul.
This is harder than I thought. I imagined telling him, but I didn’t imagine this response. I thought he would be angry with me. He would have every right to be. I thought maybe he would even leave.
I didn’t expect gentle acceptance.
I need to say something. I know I do, but I am at a loss for words.
He falls to his knees, coming over to where I am on the couch as he takes the glass of water from my hand, setting it on the table.
If he proposes right now, I will throat punch him.
When he takes my hand in his, he presses a kiss to the back of it.
“It’s a hard decision, and I know you said you made it, but you have time. Think about it and let me know what you decide. In the meantime, I would like to be here for you in whatever capacity you need.”
I shake my head, tears freely falling now. Of course he is, because Brett is a good man, and for some stupid reason, he chose to want to be loyal to me.
Sucking in a breath, I finally tell him what he needs to hear.
“I’m keeping it.”
I’m in shock.
Emery is pregnant.
Like she is having my kid.
There is something growing inside of her that I helped make.
This should be scaring me, but it’s not.
She is acting like this is a bad thing, but it’s the best news I have heard all day.
She’s pregnant.
“I’m keeping it.”
Those words are a balm to my soul.
When she said she decided, I was worried it wasn’t going to go my way.
I know having a kid in college at our age is silly, but it feels right.
It feels like a step in the right direction for me.
I really hope I can convince Emery to give us a real shot and give our little bean a real family, but if not, at least I know I will love this child with all of my being.
It will never feel lonely the way I do. I refuse to let it.
My father taught me everything not to do to a child.
I plan to figure out how to do everything right.
Children deserve the best, and that’s what I’m going to give mine. The best of me.
“Okay, so we are keeping it then. Good. That’s settled. What’s the next step? We should get married, right?” I joke.
She gives me a glare. “I’m not marrying you because you knocked me up.”
Damn. I knew that was going to be her answer, but I was hoping I was wrong.
“Of course not. It’s because you can’t stand being away from my charm. I swear you said something like that. Didn’t you?”
She groans. “I am going to regret this.”
I lose all my joking. “No. You won’t. I will be there every step of the way. You won’t go through this alone. I promise.”
She gives me a soft smile. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
I nod. “I understand why you are mad at me too. I was careless, I guess. However it happened, I am sorry. I know this wasn’t in your plans and probably fucks up a lot of shit for you, but I’m not sorry we are having a baby. I am only sorry that it happened without you wanting it.”
She looks down at our hands. “I do want it.”
“You do?” I ask her.
“I mean, at first I didn’t. I freaked out when I found out yesterday.
That’s why I went off on you last night too.
I wasn’t in a good mental space, but now I’ve had time to settle down.
Yeah. I want it.” She pauses a moment before her eyes widen and she looks at me.
“I swear I didn’t do this to trap you or your money or whatever.
You don’t have to pay me a dime. I will get a job or ask my parents for money. Please don’t think that.”
I laugh, rising on my knees so I can cup her cheek. “That thought didn’t even cross my mind, buttercup.”
She sighs in relief.
I continue, “I am going to pay my part, though. Doctor’s appointments. Medicine. Cribs. Toys. Diapers. Those breast pump things. Whatever you need. I’ll foot the bill.”
“No. That’s too much. We go into this equally. We aren’t a couple.”
I cut her off. “We could be.”
“Brett, I know you think you want that, but we can’t be together just because we got pregnant. I’m not in the headspace to make decisions like that right now. So can we agree to maybe co-parent for the time being?” she asks.
“You’ll still let me come to the appointments? Be around you so I can be part of the pregnancy? I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a minute of it.”
She frowns. “You’ve missed eleven weeks of it so far. I’m sorry for that. I had no idea I was pregnant.”
“It’s okay. We still have months to go. Don’t let it weigh on your mind. Only positive thoughts for Bean,” I tell her.
“Bean?”
I shrug. “Until I get one of those apps that tracks the pregnancy, that’s all I got. What is our estimated due date anyway?”
“It was hard to estimate with me missing periods, but based on when I believe we conceived? March thirtieth,” she tells me.
“Cool. I’ll make sure to circle my calendar.”
“Brett, you are taking this awfully well. You don’t have to be so kind about it. It’s my fault. We both know it.”
I frown. “Why would it be your fault?”
“That night. We had sex without the condom. I got on top, and I initiated it without one,” she admits.
As if I could forget that night. Is that the night we conceived? It’s possible, but it’s also possible the condom broke at some point. I refuse to let her blame herself.
“We don’t know that’s when it happened for sure. It could have been my fault. Maybe I grabbed one of those holey condoms girls are always trying to slip me. I’m not mad at you, Em. If anything, I’m grateful. This isn’t ideal, but my life has been lacking purpose. I think you helped me find one.”
“You’re really going all in on this, aren’t you?”
I shrug. “I don’t know any other way to go.”
She pulls her hands from mine. “If you don’t mind, I think I want to rest for a bit. Today was rough on me, and I’m not ready to keep talking about it.”
“Of course.” I stand, then I lean down and press my lips to the top of her head. “I’ll check on you later with a text? If that’s okay?”
She nods. “That would be okay.”
“Good. Get some rest.”
As I leave the apartment, I pull out my phone and start doing some research. I’m going to be a father, and I plan to be the best one this world has ever seen.
Emery might be scared and worried, but I’m not.
I can see my future clearly now, and there are only two people in the center of it.
Emery and our little bean.