23. Lilah
23
LILAH
I’d never kissed anyone before.
It sounded crazy, but it was true. The night the Bastards had taken pictures of me, the night that had preceded my own personal hell, we hadn’t kissed, at least not that I remembered.
In fact, in the most embarrassing of my hazy memories of that night, I’d begged them to kiss me, only to be refused, their hands and mouths touching my heated skin but never my lips.
I’d spent the next six years avoiding men, arming myself against them. I’d told myself men were dangerous, that they only ever wanted one thing, that getting close would mean being used again, this time while I was sober and knew better.
Now all I could think was… why hadn’t someone told me kissing was like this?
Because kissing Nolan was like being carried away on a building wave. His tongue licked the seam of my mouth and I opened it instinctually, then felt a fireball burst to life at the center of my body, heat expanding to my limbs, my pussy.
The world tilted. I wrapped my arms around his neck to keep from falling and kissed him back, exploring his mouth with my tongue in a tangled dance I knew in my bones.
I pressed against him without shame, molding myself against the sculpted planes of his body, and felt the hard press of his dick against my stomach. A drumbeat of need pulsed at my center, wet heat pooling between my thighs as his tongue swept my mouth.
He loosened his grip on my face, his hands traveling down my neck, pausing to stroke my throat with his thumb before continuing to my chest.
I hated that I was wearing a long-sleeve T-shirt, hated that there was anything at all between us when all I wanted was to feel the heat of his skin on mine.
I settled for exploring his chest, letting my fingertips dance over his muscled pecs as he took possession of my mouth, his tongue growing more fevered as his hands traveled over my tits and down to my waist.
I was giving in to the temptation to let my hands dip lower, over the flat expanse of his stomach, when he slipped a hand under the hem of my shirt.
The heat of his palm was the best kind of shock, and I shivered as he closed his hands around my tits and squeezed, the sweeps of his tongue faster and more urgent.
I gasped as he broke contact with my mouth, then trailed kisses along my jaw.
“Tell me to stop, Lilah.”
He was giving me a chance. He was giving me a chance to rethink what we were doing, giving me a chance to be smart. But my body didn’t want to be smart and my mind was so damn tired of thinking.
About the Bastards, what they’d done to me, why they’d done it. About my mom and Matt. About my pathetically small life and how to keep my head above water.
I dropped my head to the side in answer, giving him better access to my neck, and felt the heat of his lips press a kiss under my ear.
Chills ran up my spine, my nipples hard under his palms. He pulled down my bra and the cold air hit my exposed tits, a weirdly erotic counterpoint to my fevered skin.
He thumbed my nipples and trailed kisses down my neck, then lowered his head to my chest. I didn’t realize what he was doing until he closed his mouth around one of my nipples.
My eyes flew open in surprise and a strangled moan escaped my mouth as he sucked. I shoved my hands into his hair and tightened my grip as the sucking motion kindled a fire between my thighs.
He pulled away and straightened to look down at me, then slid his hands under the waistband of my jeans. “Tell me to stop, Lilah.”
I closed my eyes with a sigh as his fingers brushed past my clit. “No… oh my god…” I said as he sank his fingers inside my cunt.
“Jesus fuck,” he said. “You’re so fucking wet, sweetheart. So tight.”
I rocked against the heel of his hand, seeking friction on my clit as I leaned into the penetration of his fingers. I was on bliss overload, all the thoughts in my head short-circuiting as one thought moved to the forefront of my mind.
More .
I wanted more. More of this. More of Nolan.
I could almost imagine what it would feel like to fuck him, to feel his dick push into my pussy, and I moved faster as an orgasm built at my center, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Nolan.
“You going to come for me, sweetheart?” His breath was warm against my ear.
“Yes!” There was no stopping it now, not that I wanted to stop it.
“Good,” he said. “I’ve been dying to make you come.”
He stroked my clit with his thumb, moving in fast circles while his fingers plunged in and out of me, and I was a goner.
I came with a cry that was snatched by the wind, and I dug my fingers into his shoulders, hanging on as I rode the tremors that rolled through my body like a tidal wave, his fingers working their magic until I fell limp against his chest.
His arms wrapped around me, tightening to hold me close.
Maybe if I’d been more coherent I would have pushed him away, said, “Thanks for the orgasm, you can go now.”
But I didn’t. I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head against his chest, where for once I could hear the soft thump of his heart instead him hearing mine.
It mingled with the wind, and I let myself sink into the moment: Nolan’s arms a shelter against the biting cold, his lips in my hair as he kissed the top of my head.
“I’m not sure we can get away with this much longer,” he said. “Although I wish we could.”
I knew what he meant. The Jeep had shielded our torrid make-out session from the surfers on the beach, but Rafe and Jude had already been gone a while. They’d be wondering where Nolan was, wondering why neither of us had appeared on the beach, and I wasn’t about to give them any ammunition against me.
I looked up at him. “Tell anyone about this and I’ll cut you.”
He laughed and I hated the way it wound its way through my body, a velvet ribbon of warmth, another chink in my disintegrating armor against him.
“It’ll be our little secret.” His gaze heated as he rubbed his thumb across my lower lip. “The first of many, I hope.”
I was relieved when he bent to kiss me on the lips, then broke away. I didn’t trust myself to say anything because what I wanted to say was, “Yes please,” when what I should have been saying was, “That was fun but fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”
He pulled up his wet suit, pushing his arms through the rubbery neoprene, then zipped it up.
And honestly? I was sorry to see his bare chest go.
“You sure you don’t want to wait in the car?” he asked. “You’re going to freeze your ass off.”
“Says the guy about to plunge into frigid waters.”
He grinned and grabbed the last board leaning against the car. “Your call.”
He took my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world, then tugged me toward the stairs leading to the beach.
I pulled away as we descended the stairs. I couldn’t make out Jude and Rafe from the other surfers sitting on their boards in the water, but I knew they were out there and I wasn’t about to let them see me holding hands with Nolan like he was my boyfriend.
Which he wasn’t.
One of the other surfers — a woman with long silver hair — caught a wave as we hit the sand, and I watched her ride it sideways as it rolled toward shore with a roar.
I followed Nolan across the sand, the wind stinging my face in spite of the sun shining bright overhead. A month ago I would have said I couldn’t believe the Bastards wanted to surf in these temperatures, but I was starting to figure out that the Bastards liked to push the envelope — their own and everyone else’s.
I was also starting to worry I was more like them than I realized, because what could be more envelope-pushing than making out with one of the guys who’d taken advantage of me as a drunk teenager, then texted my nudes to the whole school?
I stopped at the water’s edge and Nolan turned to look at me as he walked backwards toward the surf rolling onto the beach.
He flashed me a rakish smile, his dark hair flopping over his forehead. “See you on the flip side, sweetheart.”
Then he was running into the waves, lifting the board over the incoming surf like it weighed nothing at all, mesmerizing me the same way the Bastards had done everything they’d done to me — against my will.