22. Lilah
22
LILAH
Off the mountain, it looked like spring, the roads and fields clear of snow. Sun shone brightly overhead, the sky a cerulean blue that promised longer, warmer days.
Still, it was cold by my standards, which was why I was still shocked by the fact that we were barreling toward Blackwell Bay with Rafe at the wheel and three surfboards strapped to the back of the Jeep.
In my new upside-down world this was apparently perfectly normal because when I’d asked what the boards were for in April Nolan had answered patiently, like he was explaining something obvious to someone a little behind the curve, by saying they were going surfing of course.
The “of course” wasn’t snide the way it would have been coming from Rafe. The fact that the Bastards were going surfing was just a fact.
Because of course the Bastards were going surfing in April, the same way they jumped off buildings, out of airplanes, and off cliffs. The same way they did shady shit for work, leaving the house at all hours loaded down with all kinds of gear.
“Are you sure this cyber… person found something out?” I asked from the back seat with Nolan.
They hadn’t given me any information on the alleged expert, but it was starting to seem less like we were going to the beach to get information and more like we were going so the guys could surf.
“She wouldn’t have texted if she didn’t,” Jude said.
He was sitting in the passenger seat next to Rafe, both of them looking sexy and a little windblown, Rafe’s dark hair tousled from the cracked front windows.
“Can’t she just tell you over the phone?” I asked.
“Sure,” Nolan said. “But then we wouldn’t have an excuse to surf.”
I’d been trying to ignore the fact that we were just inches away from each other in the back seat but that was kind of hard to do when he was talking. The fresh scent of his soap or shampoo or whatever was wafting off his body didn’t help either. Or the fact that his denim-clad knee was nearly touching mine, his big hand resting on the seat between us, close enough to touch.
“Isn’t there someone closer?” I asked.
I’d heard rumors that there were people in Blackwell who were into the cyber stuff. Maybe one of the guys from the Blades? I didn’t pay much attention to town gossip, but I was pretty sure there was someone closer than the beach, which was an hour down the mountain.
“You ask a lot of questions for someone who isn’t even supposed to be here,” Rafe said.
I could only see the side of his face from my vantage point in the back seat, but his scruffy jawline and sunglasses were enough to make my heart race. I told myself it was because I hated him, but I was starting to believe I was a liar when it came to the Bastards.
“You don’t have many answers for someone who acts like they have them all,” I said.
Nolan laughed next to me. “Tou-fucking-ché.”
Rafe’s sunglasses made it impossible to see his expression, but I did see the way his jaw tightened.
“I can’t wait to be back in the water.” Nolan looked at me. “You ever surf, sweetheart?”
I wanted to tell him to stop calling me by that nickname, not because I hated it but because I hated the way it made me feel. It was too intimate, like we were friends.
Like we might be more.
Except I also kind of liked the way it sounded, warm and familiar, in his mouth.
Ugh.
“No,” I said. “Life is scary enough without forcing myself out into the ocean on a tiny piece of fiberglass.”
Jude laughed from the front. “Damn, I never thought about it like that.”
“You scared?” Rafe’s tone was mocking.
I turned my face to the window, took in the stretch of ocean beyond the long sea grass that separated the road from the beach. “Being scared doesn’t change anything.”
Like most of the lessons in my life, I’d learned that one the hard way. Scared or not, life came at you. Riding its waves was more than enough to keep me on the edge of my seat, but maybe when things came easy, maybe when you walked through life safe and secure like the Bastards, you had to go looking for danger to remind yourself you were alive.
I didn’t need the reminder. The knowledge of it lived in my bones while I fought for my survival every day.
Rafe made a sharp, fast turn and pulled the Jeep into a small parking lot next to the beach.
“Shouldn’t we talk to the cyber person first?” I didn’t care that my voice dripped with annoyance. We weren’t here for the Bastards to surf. We were here to find answers so I could get back to my life.
So I could get away from the three men who were starting to make me feel more confused than I wanted to admit.
“We are,” Nolan said.
“We’re at the beach,” I pointed out as Rafe parked next to a red pickup truck.
“So is Storm,” Nolan said, opening the door.
I got out of the car and ended up standing next to Jude, who’d exited the front seat. “I’m confused.”
Jude grinned. “No need to be confused, boss. Just mixing a little business with pleasure.”
It didn’t make any sense but the words sent a flush of desire between my thighs.
( Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions…)
I stopped myself cold. I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to let my mom into my head.
Sure, it was screwed up to want the guys who’d fucked me over in high school, but lust was biochemical, like being hungry or tired. It wasn’t related to logic and reason, both of which told me the Bastards were bad news, not to mention memory, which proved it.
Rafe opened the back of the Jeep and all three of the Bastards started stripping right there in the parking lot, tugging off shirts and jeans until they were standing in their underwear.
And my god.
I mean, I hadn’t seen a lot of naked men. Or any. I hadn’t seen any naked men in real life, okay?
But I was pretty sure most men wouldn’t look… this way naked. And also, was it normal for them to have such obviously huge dicks?
I looked up to find Nolan looking at me with a knowing smirk. “Something you’d like to say, sweetheart?”
My throat was dry when I tried to swallow the lust that had roared to life in my body, probably because it was mixed with humiliation.
“Nope.”
I turned my attention to the water. The waves rolled in one after the other, several surfers riding boards in the distance, some of them getting to their feet to ride them to shore while others sat on their boards, floating over the swells before they broke.
This was better. Safer.
It was so cold I couldn’t believe anyone would want to get in the water, but the cold felt good, like a cool washcloth on my forehead when I had a fever. I wasn’t dumb enough to think whatever was happening in my body could be cured by the cold, but I would take relief where I could find it.
I sat on the back of the Jeep, the hatch open, while the guys continued pulling on and zipping up their wetsuits. Jude and Nolan had loaded the Jeep while I’d gotten dressed, so I hadn’t had a chance to see the gear they’d packed, but now I could see there were bags of extra clothes, beach towels, and surf wax. I averted my eyes when I spotted a sheathed knife, bigger than the one I carried, even though the Bastards had made no secret of the fact that they were pretty much always armed with something.
I’d gotten used to watching them check their weapons, strap them to holsters under jackets or into their waistbands like they were spare cell phones and not deadly weapons.
It scared me, not because of the weapons themselves, but because I’d gotten used to it so quickly. I’d done everything but learn how to use a gun in the name of protecting myself, and in less than a month, being surrounded by guns had become a yawnfest.
All the more reason to get away from the three giants around me — and fast.
I was in danger — and not the kind the Bastards had exposed me to in high school. This time I knew exactly who they were, exactly what they were capable of, and I was still putting my vibrator through its paces, fantasizing about my roommates on the regular.
Rafe grabbed one of the boards leaning against the Jeep and started for the water.
“You cold?”
I turned to find Nolan looking at me.
“I’m fine,” I said.
He leaned over, brushing against my shoulder as he dug through one of the bags. I tried to ignore the fact that his chest was still bare, the wet suit unzipped to the waist, but my breath caught in my throat, a humiliating private betrayal.
“You can wait in the car if you want,” he said, completely oblivious to the lust humming in my veins. “But I have a feeling that will be a negative.”
Another thing I was getting used to: the way the Bastards used military speak for everyday things.
He handed me a sweatshirt.
“I said I wasn’t cold,” I told him, even though I was.
“It’s going to be colder down by the water.” If he was put off by my brattiness, it didn’t show in the even tone of his voice. “You need to keep warm, keep your heart from working overtime.”
“Fine.”
I expected him to hand the sweatshirt to me. Instead he took a step closer and moved to pull it over my head.
I grabbed his wrist, not so much because I didn’t want him touching me, but because I did.
And wanting any of the Bastards to touch me was very, very dangerous.
We stared at each other for what felt like forever, the air crackling between us. I was vaguely aware I was breathing heavy, and this time it wasn’t just danger that made my heart race.
It was Nolan, standing only an inch away, the chemical reaction between our bodies zinging in the air like a live wire.
He dropped the sweatshirt into the Jeep’s hatch and slid his hands into my hair until he was cradling my face, looking down at me.
“Say no,” he said, his voice full of anguish.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to say no.
Not this time.
“Say no, Lilah.” It was almost a command, like he wanted me to say no even though I knew it wasn’t what he really wanted because he was breathing hard too, his hands warm on my cheeks, his eyes the same blue-green as the sea and filled with desire.
“Shut up and kiss me before I change my mind,” I said.
And then his mouth crashed into mine.