CHAPTER NINETEEN
I lie in Marcus’ bed with his arm around me as he stares into my eyes.
Some of the pain and anger that he felt before seemed to have fled from him in the time since we returned to his villa.
We chased it away together, his lips finding mine almost the moment we crossed the threshold. He carried me to his bed, and then…
“I can always tell when you're thinking about me,” he says. “There's this faint smile you have. There are moments when I wish I could spend the rest of my life just here in my bed with you, Lyra.”
I laugh. “Somehow, I don't think either of us would get very much done like that. And I think, after a couple of days of us ignoring our duties as senators, Rowan would send people round to look for us.”
“We could ignore them," Marcus says with a smile. "Bar the doors, hold off a whole battalion of city guards.”
“When did this dream scenario start to involve us fighting the guards?” I ask.
“Do you think I wouldn't fight anyone who tried to come between us?” Marcus counters, sounding suddenly serious.
In moments like this, moments when we can just forget the differences we have when it comes to our view of the city, things can be so good between us. It's so natural sometimes just to melt into Marcus’s arms, and I wonder, if neither of us were senators, life would be simpler.
I stand and dress, knowing that Marcus is watching me and not caring. I go over to the window while he puts his own clothes back on, seeing that it's now early evening.
“We should get some food,” Marcus says, joining me. “We've been in here for a while.”
We head out into his villa, and it seems his servants have anticipated our needs, setting up food on a low table between two couches.
Marcus reclines on one while I take the other, slowly nibbling on cheese, bread and grapes.
It sometimes still feels strange to me to have others serving me like this, whereas Marcus seems to take it as his natural right.
Probably that's in part because he's spent far longer being wealthy and important than I ever have.
Even now, I don't have wealth of my own; most of the fine things I own are gifts from him, Alaric or Rowan, while my fine accommodation is just a function of being a senator here in Aetheria, where I could claim rooms in the palace for my own.
If I were not a senator, I would be a poor villager. If Marcus were not, he would still be a wealthy merchant with a fleet of ships.
“Are you ready to talk to me yet?” I ask him, as we sip wine.
“Talk to you?” Marcus echoes, tilting his head to one side. Even now, he's very distracting, but I'm determined not to let him deflect me too much from what I want to know.
“When you kissed me as soon as we got in, I got the feeling that was because you didn't want to talk about anything,” I say.
“And you think I do now?” Marcus asks.
“I just want to know why you're so angry about all this,” I say. “Why you're so determined to kill Selene.”
“You think I shouldn't be?” he replies. “I know that you're not happy with the idea of killing at all, and I even understand why after the time you spent as a gladiator.”
“Do you understand it?” I ask him. “Do you understand what it was like to step out onto those sands again and again, fighting people I often knew, in some cases being forced to kill people I knew?”
Marcus hesitates. “I’ll admit, it's not an experience I've had, but you know I've been through some difficult times of my own.”
“When your family lost everything,” I say, with a sympathetic nod.
I know what he's been through, and the thought of it is enough to bring pain to my heart.
I wish I could wipe away the hurt Marcus feels.
I'm just not sure that it's enough of a reason for his hatred.
“I understand what you said before about Selene being involved as the arch magistrate in all the legal decisions that went against your family. But there must be others who are more deserving of your hatred.”
“You already killed the most important one,” Marcus says. He means Tiberius, the former emperor. He sounds grateful I did it.
“I regret everyone I've ever killed,” I say. “Trust me, you don't want deaths on your conscience.”
Marcus laughs bitterly. “I fought with the others in the uprising. Do you think I don't have deaths on my conscience? But I can live with them because I know the people I killed deserved it.”
He makes it sound so simple, when I know it's anything but.
I have killed people who did horrible things to the world and to me.
I sent rats to devour a noble woman who threatened my family and systematically beat me to within an inch of my life in revenge for her daughter's death in the arena.
I killed the emperor, who never seemed to tire of reminding me how easily he could have me killed or worse.
I killed Lady Elara, who was about to unleash a swarm of beasts upon the city, not caring how many of the people she killed, as long as it tore down the old system.
In each case, I had good reasons to end their lives, but that doesn't stop me from having regrets.
“You know that, at some point, Selene will have to be dealt with?” Marcus says.
“I know everyone wants to do things the right way, but if she keeps winning in the arena, if she wins her freedom and gains public support, do you think she'll just step back and live a normal life in Aetheria?
Do you think she'll be content with living as a wealthy citizen or even trying to take a place on the senate?”
“No,” I say. “I imagine she'll try to seize whatever power she can.
I know she came back for a reason. But that doesn't explain why you're the only one pushing for her death. Why you all pushing so much harder than the rest of us, Marcus. Is it just your personal history with her, or is it more than that?”
Marcus is silent for a while, I don't know if he's trying to decide the best way to say what he feels or just what I will believe. What does it mean for us that I'm never quite sure anymore if he's telling me the whole truth when we speak?
“I have a vision for the city,” Marcus says.
“It's part of why I pushed for the restoration of the games.
It's part of why I try to do so much for the rebuilding and to establish trade connections.
I can see what Aetheria could be. Selene Ravenscroft isn't just a barrier to that vision coming about; she's someone who could actively tear it all down and try to return us to the past. And along the way, she's going to hurt a lot of people. That's why she needs to die.”
I sit up. “Just promise me that you've given up on the idea of assassinating her.”
“I promise,” Marcus says, but does he say it just a little too quickly and easily? Maybe it's so smooth from him because it's the truth, or maybe he's just used to telling people what they want to hear.
“I'm serious, Marcus,” I say. “I think Rowan really would bring charges against you if you were involved in anything like that, and I wouldn't want to see you in a cell.”
“I'm not sure Rowan would have the votes to imprison me,” Marcus says with a smile. “I hope I could count on your vote to keep me free, at least, even if you won't support me in other things.”
I sigh. “I'm not your rival or your enemy, Marcus.”
It seems strange, having to remind him of that when we are so much more to each other, and when we've only just come from sharing a bed.
“I know that,” Marcus says. “But I also know that you’re pulled in all kinds of directions. I hope I can show you that my vision for the city is going to be good for everyone.”
I stand. It would be so easy to simply agree with Marcus.
In some ways, I understand that Selene is too dangerous to ignore.
I'm not about to forgive her for what she did to Sorrel.
A part of me hopes that she will die out there in the Colosseum, even as I fear for the people who will take her on.
I just can't quite bring myself to condone her execution or her murder, despite the times when I have done things that amounted to both.
Maybe because of those times. I don't want to be the bestial beast whisperer, slaughtering her enemies.
I want to be more than that, and killing Selene doesn't feel like the route to it.
“Maybe you'll be able to show me, but for now I should be getting back,” I say.
“You could stay here,” Marcus points out.
I shake my head. “Not tonight. There will be a lot for us both to do in the morning with the senate and the city.”
It's an excuse. The truth is I'm not sure that Marcus is telling me everything, and I can't stay here with the nagging doubt that he's hiding something from me.
He looks disappointed, but he sees me to the door, and I head back through the city in the direction of the palace.
There are still plenty of people out on the street, the excitement of the games earlier spilling over into drinking and dancing, raucous celebrations of all kinds.
I pick my way through them, being careful to avoid any trouble as I make my way back to my own quarters. As much as I care about Marcus and enjoy being with him, I still breathe a sigh of relief to be back in my own rooms rather than his villa.
There are messages waiting for me because there are always messages from citizens who need my help, wealthy figures who want to influence me, and more. One of those messages catches my attention, though, because I recognize the spiky handwriting on it. It’s a message from Thalia.
I've managed to secure an invitation to one of the fights. Meet me after moonrise in the same inn we met at before to discuss plans. Don't be too obvious. T.
I stare at the message, then look out of the window to see the moon slowly rising in the night sky. If I'm going to meet her, then I'm going to need to hurry.