Clarity
Travis
While in the shower, I looked down at my dick and mentally cursed it. It’s not like it was the first time, but damn. It only stopped working when I was with a woman that would remember my failure as a man the next day? Now that Wrenly’s home its standing at attention all the fucking time. Oh, and to top that off, we must have fucked more than once. It felt like it was rubbed raw!
I finished my shower and dried off before slipping into my sweat pants and t-shirt. I planned to stay with Wrenly until work tomorrow. When I walked out of the bathroom, Wrenly was doubled over at the door. I raced over to see if she was okay, but when she looked up she was laughing.
“What’s all this?” I asked but she shook her head.
“I can’t.” She gasped in air and resumed laughing.
“O…kay.” I walked over to the kitchen and looked for the coffee mugs. After finding them I pulled down two. “How do you take it?” I paused. “Actually, I never saw you drink coffee.”
She calmed her laugh. “I don’t drink it often.”
I looked at her like she had two heads. “How the hell do you function in the morning?”
She shrugged. “I only drink it if I have a lot of vanilla creamer and sugar.”
I watched as she poured herself some creamer then added a little coffee and a lot of sugar.
“Ewe.” I added a little sugar and drank it black.
“No judging.” She blew on the coffee before she took a sip.
I threw my hands up in the air. “It’s all creamer from the fridge! Why are you blowing on it?”
She flipped me off then walked out of the kitchen. I’ll never understand women. I picked up my coffee and followed her to the sofa. “I’m guessing you don’t have an appetite for breakfast either?”
“God no, but I’ll need some pain reliever soon. I feel like someone fucked me with a Louisville Slugger last night then used it to hit me in the head.”
I choked on my coffee. What the hell did she just say?
“I’d also like to know why my jaw is so damn sore, and it feels like a bruise on the back of my throat.”
I was still coughing.
She laughed as she patted me on the back. “Who knew my little buddy was packing something so promising in those Transformer underwear.”
“What the hell, Wrenly?” I coughed again then tried to clear my throat.
“Just sayin’.” She took a sip of her creamer carefully, like it was actually hot or something.
“Alright, where’s your Tylenol?” I asked.
“In the cabinet next to the fridge.”
I filled up a glass with water, took two Tylenol, then took the water and two more Tylenol to Wrenly.
I handed her the glass.
“I really thought I’d have some wine or twelve shots of whiskey before we had this conversation. Not water, this is going to sting.”
I sat down next to her. “I would say tell me when you’re ready, but I think it’s something I need to know.”
She swallowed the pills. “Especially now.” She leaned forward and set the glass on the coffee table, then brought her feet up and curled into the couch.
“Where should I start?” She asked.
“The day I was arrested.” I sat back and got comfortable.
“That’s the second hardest part to tell.” She swallowed hard then looked down at her hands. I reached over and squeezed her shoulder. She took a few deep breaths, then suddenly stood and walked to the bedroom and came back with a box of tissues. I noticed her hands were trembling as she sat back down. She again took a breath, swallowed hard, then lifted her fist to her chest. There were already tears in her eyes.
Her fist rubbed her chest. “First of all, I need to know that you understand that I hold no resentment about you leaving.”
She said that more than once, so I gave her a nod. She looked back down at her hands as her fist kept rubbing her chest. “The day they took you away, I felt like they ripped the biggest part of my heart from my chest.” A tear fell and landed on her shirt. She pulled a tissue from the box. “It felt like I was dying. My dad ended up carrying me from that hospital. For a few days I couldn’t eat and all I did was sleep. I didn’t even go to school.” She looked over at me. “Then Matt came over and brought all my homework. He stayed with me until it was all done, then he took it back to school for me.” Her head tilted with tears in her eyes. “I was suffering from a broken heart.” She broke down and sobbed, so I reached for her and pulled her up on my lap to hold her. “This right here was all I needed.” She curled into me.
“I’m sorry, Wrenly. If I could, I’d go back…”
She put her hand over my mouth. “No, don’t you dare blame yourself. Don’t ever apologize for what happened. Everyone failed you. Your parents, your grandparents, and even Shelby.” She sobbed again. “It’s almost the same thing that happened to us last night.” She removed her hand.
I nodded. “It could have been worse, right?” I asked.
I could feel her shake her head. “Just wait for the story.” She placed her hand on my chest. “You’ve always been in here.” She patted my chest. “You were always with me.”
“You were always with me too, but there was so much guilt.”
She reached up and pulled my face down, then pecked my lips. “Please just listen.”
“Okay.” I whispered.
“That hole in my chest wouldn’t go away, no matter what I did. Matt tried to be my friend. And we were friends, but I think I was just trying to fill that hole you left behind. We didn’t start dating until sophomore year.”
I kissed the top of her head.
“I can never have anything to do with the day after pill or abortion. I couldn’t physically do it, because I once held my dead baby in the palm of my hands. He was so perfect, but he died.”
My stomach turned and I suddenly felt sick.
“How could I purposely stop a growing life when my son is buried in Oklahoma?”
My nose was burning, and tears were building in my eyes.
“I knew I didn’t love Matt the right way. I just didn’t know how to let him down. He was so excited about college, and we were going together, and I was too much of a coward to tell him we needed to break up. I realized I was using him to fill the void you left behind. One day I was talking to a recruiter, the next week I was taking a pregnancy test.”
She sniffled and I reached up to wipe my own tears away.
“I was stuck, because I knew I was going to keep the baby. Matt was actually excited to be a dad. So, I followed along with his plans. It was winter, we told our parents, then graduated high school. Then we got an apartment in Norman. I was almost seven months pregnant. He was moving and growing, we knew we were having a son and Matt insisted we name him Tyler. It’s Matt’s middle name. We were both healthy and I already loved my baby so much, but I was depressed and tried to hide it from everyone. I had to give up all my dreams.”
I rested my cheek on her head and listened.
“Do you want to know the one that hurt the most?”
“Sure.” I said.
“I was engaged because I was pregnant. Not because I wanted to marry him. I knew at that point…” She sobbed. “I had to let go of my oldest childhood dream. The one I told you about all the time. The one where I promised you’d marry me someday.”
I took in a sharp breath, then reached for a tissue because I was a mess. I hadn’t cried since the day I was arrested, and there I was sobbing in front of Wrenly.
“We had just moved in, and Matt had practice. He made me promise I’d take it easy for the rest of the day. I got bored and decided to make one last trip home to get a few boxes. On my way back, I stopped at Target to get a few essentials. I was walking toward the entrance and made it so close, but out of nowhere something hit me, and my body flew a few feet. I landed on my back, and I didn’t even hit my head. My hip felt hurt, and my shoulder, but other than that I was fine. I even laid there for a minute before I tried to get up, but all these strangers stopped me. Everyone was talking and I kept telling them I was okay. I could hear sirens, and it was all chaos. I turned my head and saw a golf cart and some teen boys. A few men chased after them and had them on the ground. They were yelling at them for drinking and driving. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen. I thought about you and was screaming at the men to leave the boys alone. They were just kids and didn’t mean any harm.” She reached for a tissue, and I had to dab my eyes too. I felt like shit. Those boys were like me.
She sat back and curled back into my arms then I kissed her head again and squeezed her body. I was shaking by that point. She was trying to protect those boys because she was thinking about me during the worst moment of her life.
“It wasn’t until after I was loaded in the ambulance that I saw the blood. I started screaming and crying. Saying his name over and over again. Matt barely made it to the hospital in time. They knew in the ambulance Tyler didn’t have a heartbeat. They tried to save him. I was rushed into surgery, but at 8:48 pm, Tyler never took his first breath.” She tried to draw in air as she cried. “Matt…his cries were all I heard when my baby should have been crying.” She hiccupped. “When I was put in a room, they handed me my tiny boy, but he was too little to hold in my arms. They even put a diaper on him and a little blue knit hat on his head. I don’t know how long Matt watched me as I held our baby. He was suffering but allowed me to hold Tyler until I was ready to hand him over. He was so tiny in Matt’s big hands.” I felt her shake her head. “That was the moment I vowed I’d never have another baby. I can’t face that kind of loss again.”
I think my heart stopped. Fuck! My right hand was in a fist, and I didn’t notice the pain of my nails digging into my palm until that moment.
“Travis…” Her voice cracked. “We buried him at Tony’s feet. His name was added to Tony’s headstone. I wanted him with Tony so Tony could watch over him like he did you. Your grandmother approved it.”
I sobbed. I outright sobbed and Wrenly shot up and clasped my face then pressed her lips against mine. “He was the best father he could be when your parents allowed it.” She whispered. “When I was grieving Tyler, it wasn’t Matt I woke up crying for at night. It was you, and I knew I had to leave. Matt was out for blood, and wanted those kids prosecuted, otherwise he promised to kill them. They were just kids being idiots in a golf cart. They didn’t mean any harm.”
“They killed your baby.” I sobbed.
“I couldn’t bring myself to hate them, because I learned through you that everyone has a story.” I rested my head against hers. “I’m so sorry about your baby.”
“Sh.” She pecked my lips, then buried her face in my neck. “I can’t count how many times I woke up crying your name. I needed you the way I did when my mom died.”
“Why didn’t you find me, Wrenly?”
“I respected your wishes, and then became too scared to learn… maybe you were married and had babies of your own.”
I shut my eyes and shook my head. “Are you going to tell me you ran away to the Marines and left Matt behind?” I asked.
“Yes, and I don’t like going home. Especially now that Matt has a family there. It’s not because I’m bitter about him moving on. It’s because it hurts like hell to look at him. He pities me, while he has a family of his own back home. The last time I saw him he said he prayed for me. Like I was the only broken one that needed fixed.”
I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tightly. “Were you afraid to tell me because of who was driving that golf cart? You thought I’d take that news hard because of my car crash and why I was arrested?”
I felt her nod her head. “Yes.”
I put one arm under her knees, and made sure I had a good grip before I stood. “What are you doing?” She asked.
“Giving you what you’ve needed.” I took her to her bedroom and laid her down before I crawled in with her. We pulled the covers up and I pulled her snugly into me. “Let’s get some rest.” I kissed her head again. “I’m here now, and if last night came with consequences, I promise we’ll be okay.”
It was quiet for a few moments, and I was laying there fighting my emotions.
“Travis?”
“Yeah?”
“That hole in my heart is finally filling in.”