Chapter Ten #3
Her stomach sank. “I’m sorry. That’s horrible.”
“Yeah. It was. She was Madigan’s best friend, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.
But it was a long time ago, and I know she’s still hanging around, watching over us, laughing at the stupid shit we do.
” He shook his head, and his tender smile told her how much he loved his cousin. “How did Brian stop using back then?”
“It wasn’t easy. He didn’t trust anyone, and I was desperate to help him, but I didn’t know how.
The captain who had been so nice that night is the captain at the firehouse where I work.
Back then Cap made me feel like someone finally saw us as people worthy of something better, not just as boils on the ass of society.
So I went to the firehouse, and I asked him what I needed to know to help Brian detox.
Cap explained the risks of detoxing without medical supervision, and he was not cool with the idea of us trying to do it alone. ”
“I don’t blame him.”
“I get it, and I would never do it again, but we had no money, no insurance, and not a lot of faith in strangers. We felt like it was a big risk just asking for help. But Cap told me what to do and what to expect, and I scoured the internet, reading everything I could. Then Brian and I powered through together. It was hell for him. It was so painful, and he was so sick, he just wanted to die. It was hell watching him suffer. I begged him to let me take him to the hospital, but he refused. But honestly, as awful as it was, it was the best motivation for me to stay sober. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if he’d been using every day. ”
“Jesus, Angel. It really was you two against the world.”
“Mm-hm. Cap checked in with me a lot, and once Brian was past the worst of it, we went to meetings every day, together every step of the way. What most people don’t realize is that even when you think you’re past the worst of it, you’re really not.
It was months of struggling not to fall back into the addiction.
Downtime was the hardest, being alone with our thoughts.
We became gym rats, working out two, sometimes three times a day.
Eventually I started volunteering at the firehouse, and we both found jobs and actually went to them every day.
I went through a year of therapy. Brian didn’t, but that didn’t worry me.
Not everyone recovers the same way. After a couple of years, we were both doing so well, I felt like we’d made it.
Brian loved his job as a delivery driver, and I loved my time at the firehouse.
The guys there became like family, and Cap was a great mentor.
He helped me become more confident, and I got up the courage to ask him if I could work there if I went through EMT training.
Since he knew about my past with alcohol and weed, I was afraid I wouldn’t be allowed, but here I am. ”
“You’ve really turned your life around.”
“I have, and I’m proud of that. Brian had turned his around, too.
The thing is, addiction never goes away.
It’s like a vulture on your shoulder waiting for the right moment to dig its claws into you, and I let my guard down with Brian.
Something happened at his work, and I missed all the signs.
We were living our lives, and we didn’t talk as much.
He was irritated a lot, which I wrote off as regular work stress.
” Guilt crept in, and she twisted spaghetti around her fork, fighting those feelings.
“He didn’t tell me he lost his job until a few weeks after it happened, and by then he was drinking again.
He promised to stop, and he hid it from me, but over the next several weeks, he got back into drugs, and that sparked an endless cycle of promises and heartbreak. ”
“Why did he get physical with you?”
She finished her bite of spaghetti before answering.
“Because when I came home, our television was missing. I went to confront him and walked in on him snorting what I’m pretty sure was heroin, and I lost it.
I knew better than to fuel that fire. I learned a lot in those substance abuse meetings and heard so many stories from people in recovery and from their families.
I know all about how loved ones feel like they’ve been disrespected when people with substance abuse issues use drugs in their houses or behind their backs.
I used to think it was selfish of them not to understand their loved ones’ addictions.
But there I was, thinking, How could you do this to us.
To me? I understand where they were coming from now, but I also know his addiction has nothing to do with me.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t help as much as it should. ”
“I’m glad you know that, because it really doesn’t, but I’m sure that doesn’t make it any easier. You love the guy, and lies hurt, no matter what the driving force behind them is. Why haven’t you asked him to move out, or moved out yourself?”
“It’s complicated.” She took a bite of garlic bread.
“I thought about moving out, but he can’t afford rent, and I’m not going to leave him homeless.
I’m living in this cloud of guilt with all these bad feelings about what he’s doing, but I also love him, and I have faith that this isn’t who he will always be.
This is addiction trying to swallow him up, and I will never give up on him. ”
“He needs rehab, darlin’,” Zander said gently.
“I know, but there’s only one way he’s getting that, and I can’t do it.”
He lifted his chin, his eyes narrowing. “What do you mean? You can’t do what?”
“My grandfather, who I haven’t seen since he told me he wanted nothing to do with me when I was a teenager, passed away a couple of months ago and left me fifty thousand dollars.
Sounds great, right? I mean, not that he died, but it’s the answer to my problems. Except it’s not.
He left it inaccessible unless I can prove I’ve been sober and drug free for two years, which I can, no problem.
But I also have to be married for two months. ”
“Oh, man.” Zander turned on the chair, facing her.
“Right?” She finished her garlic bread. “Who does that?”
“Someone who wants to ruin his granddaughter’s life?”
She smiled, remembering what he’d said about not being the kind of guy to get married or have kids.
“I love that you’re not a fan of marriage, either.
Most of the guys I work with think I’m nuts for not wanting to get hitched.
I want to help Brian, but I’m never getting married.
I’m not about to be a noose around someone else’s neck. ”
“Why would you be a noose?”
“Hello? I drank and smoked weed for years instead of growing up. I don’t know if I was chemically addicted like Brian was or not.
Once he stopped and that peer pressure was off, it wasn’t hard for me to stop drinking or smoking.
I never had withdrawals, and when I see other people drinking, it doesn’t make me want to drink.
But maybe that’s because I was the sober one when he was detoxing, and those memories are etched into my mind.
All I know is, addictions are never cured, and how I feel today could change with the wind.
I don’t want to fall off the wagon and ruin someone else’s life. ”
“I see your point, but I don’t think addiction makes you a noose.
” He broke one of his pieces of garlic bread in half and handed her one half.
“When someone loves you, they should support your sobriety every way they can, and if you fall off the wagon, it’s that love that should pick you back up.
” He cocked a brow. “But marriage? That’s the noose. ”
“You’re not wrong.” Reaching for her drink, she said, “I can count on one hand the number of happily married couples I know.”
“That’s why we should get married.”
She choked on her drink and started coughing and laughing. “What?”
“I’m serious. You saved my life. Let me do this to help save your friend’s life.”
“No way! You’re crazy.”
“Maybe so, but I’m good at it. Think about it. Neither of us is the marrying type, so it’s not like we’ll want to stay married. We fake a whirlwind love affair for two months, plus another few weeks to cover your ass, and then you get the money to help Brian.”
“You’re a nut. I’m not getting married to you or anyone else.”
He shook his head. “Then let me give you the money.”
“Zander, stop.” Holy crap. He really was nuts. “I’m not marrying you, and I’m not taking your money.”
“Fine. I’ll lend it to you. Then if you ever fall in love and get married, you can pay me back when you collect your inheritance.”
“What part of not getting married didn’t you understand? I think your head injury might have had lasting effects after all.”
“Come on, Shauna. I’ve been working since I was a teenager.
I have plenty of money sitting in the bank gathering dust. That doesn’t even include the insurance money that’ll come in from the accident in the next few weeks, and I’ve got nothing to spend it on besides Kitty, and she doesn’t cost much. ”
Shauna glanced at the enormous basket of cat toys in the dining room and the handful of toys littering the floor between the living room and the kitchen. “All those toys and your half-finished house say otherwise. I appreciate your offer, but I will find another way to help Brian.”
She didn’t know how, but one way or another she was going to figure it out.