Chapter Thirty-Nine #2
“Zander has been there for me more than I expected,” she said honestly.
“I couldn’t get the inheritance unless I was married, so we got married and faked it for everyone.
Well, not everyone. Cap and Zander’s family know it isn’t real, but nobody else knows because we didn’t want the attorney to find out.
Anyway, Zander and I got close, but it’s not like we’re a couple or anything.
Once we sign divorce papers, it’s a done deal. ”
Pain and confusion moved over Brian’s face. “Jesus, Shauna. You hate the very idea of marriage. You did that for me?”
“It was the only way to make sure you got the help you needed.”
“And he agreed to it?”
“Yeah. He’s the guy I pulled from that wreck on New Year’s Eve. I saved him, and he wanted to help me help you in return. He was all for the ruse even before I was, but the night you showed up at his house, I knew I had to do something fast.”
Brian sank down to the couch. “So where does that leave us? Are you moving back in?”
“Yes, on Monday, since I have to work tomorrow.” She sat beside him, carefully choosing her words.
“But I want to talk to you about that, too. One thing this time apart has taught me is that we need to widen our circle. We’ve been each other’s lifelines since we were little kids, and I don’t want that to change, but I’m worried we’ve become too closed off from the rest of the world. Maybe a little codependent.”
He leaned forward again, his elbows on his knees. “The therapist at rehab said the same thing.”
Relief washed through her. “They did? That makes me feel better. I was thinking that since our lease is up at the end of September, it might be a good thing if we find separate apartments. That’s assuming you’ve got a sponsor and a job and you feel ready for it by then.
But I don’t want to set you back on your recovery, and I still want to go to meetings with you and hang out when we can.
I just think we both need a little breathing space and room to meet new people and build healthier lives.
We’ve never really had friends outside of work, and now that I do, I want that for you.
It changes everything, Brian. Life feels fuller and happier, and I know with the right people, it will for you, too. ”
“The therapist suggested the same thing. Not right away, of course, but once I’ve got my feet under me,” he said.
She did not expect that. “That’s good, but how do you feel about it?”
“Scared.” His voice was strained, but he let out a half laugh.
“I’m not exactly sought-after friend material.
I’m fresh out of rehab. A walking red flag to most people.
But I know it’s the right thing to do if I can afford it by then.
I can’t keep holding you back, and it’s time to grow up. It’ll be a fresh start for both of us.”
The relief she felt was bittersweet. She knew she wasn’t losing him, but easing the reins of their friendship was scary for her, too. Almost as scary as letting go of her marriage to Zander was painful. But she kept that to herself and focused on Brian.
“I’m in recovery too, you know, so we both might be a red flag to some people.
But to me, you’re a pillar of strength. You’re conquering your addiction, and we both know that’s no easy feat.
” She let that sink in before adding, “And I’ve learned that not everyone sees us as red flags.
There are good people in the world, Brian.
People who don’t judge and who see beyond our addictions.
People who will love all the things about you that I do. ”
“You’re talking about Zander and his family, aren’t you?”
“Maybe,” she said with a smile. “I know if you get to know them, you’re going to feel incredibly loved and supported, because that’s how they’ve made me feel since the first time I met them.”
“I don’t want their pity,” he said with an edge.
“I was worried about the same thing. But they don’t pity me, and I know they won’t pity you.
They’re real people who have lived through horrible things.
They get it.” She told him about Ashley and about the loss of Leah’s brother and what Reese and Lettie had been through.
And then she told him about the friendships she’d developed and how Zander’s family had come around for him, and for her, despite not having ever met her.
“Zander says helping people is in their blood, and I’m not sure he’s wrong.
His father and uncle founded the Bayside chapter of the Dark Knights, and they’re involved with anti-drug programs in schools and suicide prevention, and some of the Dark Knights are sponsors around the Cape.
They offered to meet with you, and Zander said he’ll come by tomorrow and go with you to a meeting while I’m at work. ”
“Fuck,” Brian said with a heavy sigh. “I hate needing people.”
“Yeah, me too. But I’ve learned it’s okay to need others.
That’s what friends are for. The girls and I text all the time about books and work and stupid stuff.
It’s nice, Brian. And you’ll love Zan and the rest of the guys.
They’re totally down to earth, and they give each other crap all the time, like we do. Imagine having more friends like me.”
“Imagine? I have nightmares about it.”
“Hey!” She gave him a playful shove.
“I’m kidding. I know what you mean about friends.
I made a few in rehab, and it was nice having people to talk to.
But, Shauna, I hope you know how much I appreciate you.
I want you to know that I’m not taking any of this for granted.
I know how lucky I am that you’re sitting here with me right now and that you’re even willing to share your friends with me. ”
“I know.”
“Good, then hopefully you’ll understand this.
Last time I got sober, I think I did it for you more than me.
This time I went into rehab because I was afraid of losing you, but I could have checked out at any time, and I didn’t.
I stayed for myself. I want this. I want to live a drug-free life, and have friends, and be a better person than my parents were. ”
“I want that for you, too.”
“I know you do. I just needed you to know I’m doing it for the right reasons this time, and as much as I don’t want to need other people’s help, I wouldn’t have this chance without it.
If Zander is willing to come by tomorrow when you’re working, I’d really appreciate it, and I’ve got to say, it sounds like you found your people with these new friends. ”
“You’re my people, and you always will be. Still waters or reckless tides.”
“Anchors forever, side by side,” he said with a smile. “Hopefully we’ve got still waters ahead.”
“I have faith that we will. I’m so happy you’re home, and I hope in time the Wickeds can become our people.”
“Whether or not they do, I’m happy you have them.” He grabbed the subs and set one in front of her. “But you should be sure before you introduce me to them.”
“Why?”
“Because they may end up liking me more than they like you, and then you’ll get pissed, and that’ll just turn ugly.”
She smiled, glad to hear him joking. “Because you’re easier with new people than I am?”
“No, because I’m cuter,” he teased.
“That’s debatable.”
They fell into easy banter, as if it had been lying in wait. It wasn’t the same as it had been before, but they weren’t, either, and she looked forward to finding their new normal.
THE HOUSE WAS dark, save for streaks of moonlight coming through the windows. Zander sat on the couch in a pair of sweats, staring absently at the fireplace, feeling hollowed out. It was after midnight, and Shauna never came home.
Back. She never came back.
As much as he felt like his cottage had become her home, he couldn’t fool himself any longer.
He knew better. She didn’t come back because she was home with Brian.
Brian would get to hear her singing with her earbuds in while she did word searches and humming Avril Lavigne when she was pushing herself at the gym.
The thought grated like sandpaper. He rested his head back and closed his eyes, telling himself to get a fucking grip.
Kitty jumped onto the couch carrying the shirt they’d gotten her in Niagara Falls in her mouth, and climbed onto his lap.
“Hi, baby girl.” He took the shirt, hit with the memory of Shauna’s scowl when he suggested he get her one with Biker Daddy’s Ride or Die on it. “You missing her, too, or just feelin’ pretty?” he asked as he put the shirt on Kitty.
Kitty curled up in his lap and purred.
He was jealous that his cat could find comfort so easily when he was drowning in jealousy.
He rested his head back again and closed his eyes. The lock on the front door clicked, and his fucking heart jumped as the door eased open and Shauna stepped quietly inside. She closed the door carefully, and as she toed off her sneakers, he said, “Hey, Angel.”
She startled, her gaze sweeping toward him. She smiled, but even in the dimly lit room he could tell it was a tentative one. “You scared me,” she said, making her way over to him.
“I didn’t know if you were coming back tonight.”
“My uniform is here. Sorry to show up so late. I should have texted.”
“No, it’s fine. How’d it go?” He patted the cushion next to him.
“Great,” she said, sitting beside him, but she sounded tired. “I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I picked him up. I swear we hugged for ten minutes straight.”
“Is he glad to be home?”
“Yeah. It’s hard for him. There are a lot of tough memories.
But we knew it would be. We talked a lot, and we went to two meetings.
I told him you’d come by tomorrow and I’ll move my stuff in Monday after my shift ends.
Our lease is over at the end of September, so once he’s settled with a sponsor and a job, we’re going to look around at apartments for a fresh start. ”
He’d known this was coming. If he were honest with himself, he’d been bracing for it since the day they’d said I do.
But knowing it and hearing her say it were two very different things.
There was no bracing for the pain of the fault line ripping open inside him.
He tried to convince himself it was relief.
This was always the plan, after all. Now he could go back to his life without making extra coffee with too much creamer and packing breakfasts or rushing home to see her after work.
He wouldn’t have to do twice as much laundry or clean up new toys every other week because Shauna insisted Kitty needed them.
Fuck. He was going to miss all of it.
Her eyes lingered on him, searching, as if she heard the crack he’d felt, but if she did, she didn’t acknowledge it.
She simply petted Kitty’s head and said, “I got the wire transfer today from the attorney, but I’m really tired.
Is it okay if I give you a check in the morning? ” putting the nail in his coffin.
“I’m not worried about it. I’m heading out early tomorrow to get a ride in before going over to Brian’s.” It wasn’t true, but the thought of pretending through another morning was too much.
She gave a small, tired smile. Silence stretched between them, and she rested her head on his shoulder. “It’s been a day,” she said with a yawn. “Would you mind holding me? Just for a little while?”
The qualifier, just for a little while, burned.
“Sure” came out as ragged as he felt. “Let’s lie down.”
Shauna stood, and Kitty jumped down from the couch, ready to follow as she turned toward the bedroom, but Zander couldn’t take her into his bed without wanting to be as close as possible and love her with everything he had.
He reached for her hand, pulling her down to lie on the couch.
Instead of spooning like he’d expected, she buried her face in his neck, her arm around him.
She lifted her face only long enough to call Kitty.
Kitty jumped up to the armrest, and as if she knew Zander needed her, too, she padded over and lay on him, her head resting on Shauna.
Zander closed his eyes, breathing Shauna in, memorizing the feel of her against him, the cadence of her warm breath on his neck, giving her the comfort she needed as his own heart shattered.
If this was the last time he’d get to hold her, he’d let it break him a thousand times over.