Chapter Forty-One #2
“I’m still trying to figure that out.” He smiled.
“I mean, overall I feel good. Rehab helped more than I ever thought it would. I see everything differently now. Who I am, how I got here. It’s kind of surreal being sober and back home with Shauna, but it’s also scarier than hell.
I’ve got a long way to go, and I know it’s going to be an uphill battle, but I’m determined to do it right.
I’ve been given a second chance, and I don’t want to screw it up, you know? ”
“I do know, believe it or not. I came out of my accident feeling that same way. Not that I had the same kind of battle after the accident as you have ahead of you, but I know the feeling of not wanting to fuck up.” Thinking of how he’d selfishly blown into Zeke’s house that morning, he realized he could still fuck up like that and his life wouldn’t spiral the way one drink or one hit of a drug could devastate Brian or Shauna.
They carried the weight of their addictions on their shoulders every damn day, and their entire lives hung in the balance.
“Life, man. It’s crazy sometimes.” Brian leaned his elbows on his knees, worrying with his hand, and tilted his face to look at Zander.
“I probably wouldn’t be here if not for you and Shauna.
I really appreciate everything you did, and I want to apologize for coming to your place and making a mess of your life. ”
“Like you said, life can get crazy, but all we did was get you into rehab. You’re doing the heavy lifting, and you didn’t make a mess of my life. You going into rehab and Shauna needing a shoulder to lean on actually helped me pull my shit together.”
“Well, I can’t thank you enough for being there for Shauna. She didn’t deserve any of this, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing her how incredible she is and making sure she never has to face it again.”
How could something so right feel like a sucker punch?
“I’m sure she appreciates that,” Zander finally said. “Shauna said she mentioned to you that a couple of the guys in my club are sponsors.”
“Yeah. I’d like to meet them, if that offer still stands.”
“Absolutely. Saint will be at an NA meeting in Brewster at noon, and Sarge will be at an AA meeting in Eastham at four. If you’re up for it, I’m happy to go to both and introduce you. If you don’t feel comfortable with either of them, there’s another guy who lives down in Dennis.”
“I’m definitely up for the meetings, and I’d appreciate the introductions.”
“What about work? Have you thought about what you might want to do?”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it for weeks,” Brian said. “I know it’s going to be hard to get someone to trust me, so I figure I’ll take what I can get.”
“Shauna said you were a driver. Do you have other skills?”
He sat up. “I’ve done a little of everything, driving, landscape, construction.”
“What do you want to do?” Zander asked.
“No idea.” He took a deep breath. “I just want something stable, where I can prove myself. Something physical. I’m not built to sit behind a desk or stand behind a counter all day. Driving was okay, but I think the confinement made me edgy.”
“Yeah, I get that. My brothers Blaine and Maverick own a masonry business. They’re always looking for help, but it’s backbreaking work.”
“I appreciate that, but you’ve done enough already.” Brian shook his head. “You gave me my life back, you had your brother-in-law fix my car, and you watched over the one person I have in this world. I already owe you more than I can ever pay back.”
“Bullshit,” Zander said. “There’s no debt when it comes to helping people. If you need to repay Tobias for fixing your car to make amends for your program, that’s fine, but you don’t owe me anything. Continuing to fight for your own well-being and being good to Shauna is all I need.”
Brian looked away, his jaw tight.
“I know it’s only ever been you and Shauna, but you’ve got a lot of people pulling for you right now, Brian. People you don’t know yet, but one day, when you’re ready and if you want to, you can get to know them all.”
“You can’t imagine how it feels to hear that as a man who has only ever had one person on his side.” His voice was raw, but his eyes showed a deeper vulnerability.
“I’ll never know what it’s like to be as alone as you and Shauna were for so long, but at one point or another, I think we’ve all felt like we were standing alone on an island, even when we were surrounded by people.”
He nodded. “Yeah, the therapist at rehab said something similar.”
“That’s another thing. If you work with Blaine and Maverick, you’ll get health insurance, and you can continue therapy if that’s something you’re looking for.”
“Really?” His eyes lit up.
“Yeah. And no pressure or anything, but you’d be doing Blaine and Maverick a favor. They need the help. They’ll work you hard, and they’ve got high standards, but they’ll also teach you to be one hell of a stonemason.”
“That sounds better than you can imagine. I always felt like I was floundering. Even with driving, it didn’t feel like I had a purpose. It would be good to create things and see finished products.”
“Then let’s make a—” Fuck. The word evaded him.
“Shit. Sorry. Let’s…” What the hell is the word?
Brian was looking at him expectantly. Zander could make up anything, but Brian had been through so much shit, he wasn’t about to pretend like he had a perfect life.
That’s not what Brian or Zander needed. “Sorry, man. I forget words sometimes. It’s from the head injury, from the accident.
” The word he’d been looking for flashed in his mind.
“Plan. That’s it. Let’s make a fucking plan. Jesus. Finally.”
“Man, that’s got to suck,” Brian said empathetically. “Sorry you’re going through that.”
“It is what it is. I can’t read worth shit, either, so there’s that.” Zander shrugged, trying to make light of it.
“I know how to read, so if you need help, it’s the least I can do, and we could have some fun with the forgetting-words thing.”
Zander looked at him curiously. “How’s that?”
“If you lose a word when we’re around other people, I’ll fill it in for you. If you say let’s make a…I’ll say, sundae or sand castle, and confuse the hell out of them.”
Zander laughed, and damn, he needed that.
“You’re going to fit in great with the guys. So, what do you say we grab a couple of sandwiches, my treat, hit the noon meeting, then go see my brothers? After that we’ll hit the four o’clock meeting and see what comes of it.”
“You’ve got all day free?”
“Nah, man. It’s booked with you. Let’s go. But you’ve got to drive. I’ve got my bike.”
They pushed to their feet, and as they headed out the door, Brian said, “I can’t believe you’re willing to do all this for me.”
“Might as well get used to it. I don’t know what Shauna told you, but my family is like mosquitoes you can’t swat. We just keep coming back.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Zander chuckled. “Give me time. I’ll get under your skin.”
As they climbed into the car, Zander thought about Shauna and how she’d fought tooth and nail for Brian, refusing to give up on him when so many others might have walked away.
That loyal, loving heart was what he loved most about her.
He had no fucking clue how to reconcile the love she’d poured into him with the fresh start she’d chosen with Brian, when in his heart and soul she was his and he would forever be hers.