32. Marie
32
MARIE
WHISKEY OR SEX?
I get jostled around and groan, trying to understand what’s going on and failing. There’s something soft underneath me, a delicate caress on my face. When darkness pulls me in deeper, I let it.
I groan loud as I wake up, my daughter’s name on my lips.
I sit up and it’s a fucking mistake. The sharp movement brings up a wave of nausea and I rush to the bathroom. My knees hit the floor hard but I don’t have the time to cry out in pain as I heave above the porcelain bowl. The cold sweat that tenses my whole body isn’t new, but I haven’t felt it for so long it’s a shock to my system.
I hate this phase. Forehead on my forearm, I wait for the stomach contractions to recede. My mouth is sticky and my tongue thick. I can barely swallow. The pounding headache behind my eyelids makes me want to reach inside my brain and tear my eyes out with my nails. Yet, this is all familiar, a routine well-honed. I’ll jump into the shower, as cold as can be, brush my teeth until my gums are raw then apply concealer and the lightest makeup. I’ll pretend I’m starving when I come down to eat breakfast with Lisa and my parents and use the carbs to absorb the remaining liquid sloshing in my stomach.
A baby giggles in the distance, waking me up from where I fell back asleep, head hanging above the toilet. That’s a new fucking low. I stand up and come face to face with my reflection. My chin wobbles as I take in the sunken cheeks and hollow eyes that used to be a vibrant green.
Once upon a time.
Because this isn’t my bathroom. Lisa isn’t downstairs. I’m not even at my parents’ house.
A full body tremor racks me to my core but I shake it away, averting the mirror. I don’t deserve to feel sorry for myself. I did this. I turned into this ghost of myself. No one pushed me there. I have no one to blame but my own wretched choices.
I quickly splash cold water onto my face, foregoing the shower for now and dab the droplets away with a warm clean towel set aside next to the sink. I know Nico placed it there for me and the kindness makes me want to die.
Ember’s noises hang above me like an axe, but there’s no escaping what I did. I have no idea what time it is or when Nico picked Ember up, or if Giulia dropped her off. I’ve lost track of what was important and what’s the result? The hangover of the decade and potent shame clinging to me like petrol.
I take tentative steps until the living room comes into view. Nico’s seated on the couch, Ember on his knees. He smiles down at her as he shows her brushes and runs them down her little arms, making her giggle louder. They’re the picture of familial bliss.
I’m the onlooker.
Maybe that’s where my place is and it’s time I accept it. I’ll never belong. Especially not with him.
“You’re awake,” Nico comments sternly. He’d have slapped me and it would have been less painful.
I pick at my pyjama top and nod. What am I supposed to say? Sorry I got drunk last night and forgot I had a daughter that needed me. I haven’t had such a black out since that first week after Lisa’s funeral. But then I knew my mum would take care of Ember. And I always set up an alarm to wake up and get my shit together.
“You want to tell me what happened?” Nico’s voice slashes through the heavy silence only punctuated with Ember’s little babbles.
I could lie, but he’d read me like an open book. And I’m so fucking tired. I deserve his disappointment and whatever punishment he sees fit. Maybe he’ll kick me out. It’s only a matter of time.
“I bought wine when I went downtown with Giulia and Catalina. They left me alone to call my mother and I… I don’t know. I couldn’t resist, I guess.”
I sit on the other side of the sofa, my hands pressed under my legs. I want to curl into a ball but even this little comfort I don’t deserve.
I can’t look at him. I can’t look at her.
I’ve failed her. It’s not the first time and I know it won’t be the last. But I lie to myself anyway. What other choice do I have?
“Why did you do that, Marie? If I had known you’d drunk yourself into a fucking coma, I wouldn’t have left your side. Is this what you want? To lose all sense of autonomy. For me to monitor you and make sure you don’t drink?”
“No.”
I close my eyes. But even then, tears rise up and fall on my cheeks. I don’t wipe them away. “I don’t want to feel like this,” I croak.
“Then, what do you want?”
I expected accusations and yells. Instead, his tone turns soft and almost pleading. It brings me back to last night. In a matter of seconds, it morphed from the best night of my life, a high so euphoric I thought I’d never come down, to one of the worst. But that’s what I do. Self-destroy. It started so long ago I wonder if I ever was anything but a disappointment to myself and my loved ones.
“I want to be better, for Ember,” I start. I glance up and Nico’s intense amber eyes are on me, calm on his striking features. The piercings I love so much on his nose and lips catch the light of the sun shining shyly outside. Maybe that’s what makes me brave. Or maybe it’s just him. “And I want to be better for you.”
I frown and he shakes his head. “Don’t you want to do it for yourself?”
I’m stunned into silence. I’m not high on my priority list. I’ve never been. “I lived for Lisa. Even when I was already drinking, I would keep it under control so I could take care of her. Before her diagnosis, she was a trouble maker, always.” The memories rushing in my mind make me smile.
Ember finally turns to me and smiles widely at me, breaking my heart all over again, as her little arms seem to reach out for me. Nico moves to sit next to me, handing me my daughter. Her baby hair is so thin on her little head. I hug her close to my chest, and continue. “When I look at Ember, it reminds me that I’m not strong enough.” My voice breaks but I soldier on. “I want to have a family, Nico. I want to give her brothers and sisters, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m so messed up, when I’m already failing and she’s barely six months old?”
“ Luna mia .” Nico threads his fingers through mine as Ember tucks her little head against my chest. “You are the most selfless person I know. You’re also the saddest person I know.” A chuckle-sob escapes me. I can always trust him to give me the hard truth. “You haven’t dealt with Lisa’s death and you haven’t dealt with how your family’s behaviour made you feel.”
“When did you get so attuned to emotions?” I half-joke.
“I might not always recognise them, but I understand the concepts and physiology. And you’ve been my favourite subject for a while now. Dissecting everything going through your mind is fascinating and heartbreaking all at once. You need to take care of yourself, Marie. Because I love you and I love Ember and I need you to not lose that battle. I can’t lose you.” His voice is urgent and his fingers tighten around mine.
My nose tickles as fresh tears leak on my cheeks. “I don’t deserve your love.”
Before I can say another word, Nico’s lips crash onto mine. I taste the salt of my tears and the fresh bergamot of the Earl Grey Tea he loves to drink in the morning. Below all of that is that dark obsession that makes me weak at the knees. I lose myself to the kiss, until I take over and dominate him with my tongue, clasping my hand at the back of his head to keep him where I want him. This kiss tastes like the love he proclaims to feel for me. Maybe I can believe him.
Hope blooms and spreads from where our bodies touch to reach the deepest, darkest corners of my ribcage.
When we pull away from each other, we’re a little out of breath and grinning like fools in love.
“I need you to be honest with me, Marie. When you want to drink, you need to tell me if I’m close, text me if I’m away. I’ll always be in your corner but as much as I observe you, I can’t always know what’s on your mind. Don’t lie to me or keep me out. Please. ”
It’s the plea that breaks the dam. I nod, dropping my forehead to his. “I’ll get outside help. And I’ll text you or tell you. I hate it so much when I lose control,” I sigh.
“Do you think that’s why you love dominating me so much?”
It’s an honest question and one I haven’t taken the time to contemplate. I stand and place Ember on her bed in the alcove behind us for her afternoon nap, before walking to stand in front of the massive window. The field of Scottish Bluebells is now barren, the little blue flowers gone for the winter. The forest around Nico’s house is a mix between green and grey, between the trees that never die and the ones that lose all their leaves come the cold season. In a few months, flowers will bloom again. I don’t want to be the only one stuck into the grey, like cast into ice.
Muscled tattooed forearms snake behind me to settle around my middle. Nico’s head rests in the crook of my neck, our cheeks fused together. His acceptance of my silence, of my need for time to process is a gift and despite his warm embrace, it’s hard to believe I’m worthy of it.
“I think I love your submission because for once, someone I care about defers to me to make decisions, even if it’s just sex and intimacy.”
Nico hums deep in his throat and the sound travels through me, lighting me up from the inside out. “And you look hot on your knees for me, baby.”
His hands clench on my stomach. I turn to face him, framing his face with both my hands before I kiss his full lips again. I push his body until he walks backwards and lands on the sofa.
“It’s gonna take time,” I say, looming over him, laying my soul to his delicate care.
His hands glide up the back of my thighs, so at odds with how we started. Now, Nico always finds ways to touch me, and I love it. “I’ll be right here, Marie. Lean on me.”
I straddle him and slide my tongue back into his mouth, our bodies fused together until there isn’t any space between us. My heavy breasts are pressed against the hard planes of his chest, the glide of his nipple piercings against my own making me moan. I rake my nails down his neck and he shudders underneath me, becoming pliant, a willing victim to satiate my growing desire. I can’t stop rolling my hips over his hardening cock, seeking friction on my needy clit, driven to madness with the need to have him back inside me.
How I ever thought that alcohol could beat this feeling is beyond me. The primal part of my brain takes over as I discard my pyjamas and paw at his own joggers and soft tee-shirt, until I settle back on top of him, completely naked.
The warmth of his skin is like a balm over my bruised soul, his lips soft and seeking on the column of my neck and chest. He licks, bites and kisses my body while I writhe on top of him, covering his length with wetness and need.
“You’re gonna be a good boy and give me your cock, aren’t you, baby?” I breathe against his lips.
“Yes. Yes, Miss Marie. Anything for you, just please fuck me,” is the needy answer that comes out of his lips. His pupils are blown dark and when I notch the head of his cock at my entrance, we both hold our breath, exhaling heavily while I drop onto it like my life depends on it.
“Fuck, you’re so deep like this, Nico.”
I lift myself off halfway before dropping down again, his piercing gliding inside me deliciously. We both moan as we become nothing but sensations. Clasping his throat, I bring his lips to mine again and he obeys, following my silent orders with a blissful expression on his face. His fingers will leave an indent on the flesh of my ass cheeks with how strongly he’s grasping at the flesh, a sure sign that he’s holding himself back.
I get high on knowing I have that power over him, that I can make him mindless with pleasure and the need to fuck me. I create circles with my hips, taking him deeper and we gasp in harmony. “You’ll take what I give you,” I tell him, then set a harsh pace, bouncing on his cock fast and hard.
My thighs burn with the exertion, but God, I want to see him come. I want to watch as he loses himself inside me and fills me with his cum.
“You’re mine, baby. Mine to own, mine to fuck, mine to edge if I want to.”
“Yes, I’m yours,” he answers on a whimper. “Can I come now?”
“Say please.”
“Please. Please, I beg you, Miss Marie, let me come inside your tight cunt. Let me fill you up.”
My pussy clenches around him as his dirty words register and I nod, incapable of words anymore. I chant a mix of yes-es and fucks, and cry out for God. Nico’s hands become heavier on me, grinding my clit on his pelvis. Our breaths pick up and we don’t lose eye contact as we come together, whimpering into each other’s mouth and covering the other in our release. Nico’s heart pulses under my fingers where I still hold his throat and I feel mine syncing up to his rhythm.
This beautiful, vulnerable man is all mine. And though the ugly voice in my head rears up to tell me it’s all a lie, I don’t let it this time, basking in the afterglow of our shared orgasm instead.
After we clean up and finally shower, transferring a sleeping Ember into a cosy we can carry with ourselves in the bathroom, we spend the day doing mundane chores, cooking and even taking a walk through the forest in the frigid late autumn air.
Happiness feels good, but I’m scared it won’t last.