41. Marie
41
MARIE
FAMILY DINNERS ARE FOR FOOD AND TEARS
“ H ow do you feel about tonight, Marie?” Dr Linberg asks from her seat in front of me in her warm office. Weeks ago, I’d have answered something basic I thought everyone wanted to hear. “Good”, “Happy,” even though none of these answers were remotely true. I thought by hiding myself, I was protecting myself from being rejected for not being okay. In my mind, it was a necessary lie to make myself small and make sure I wasn’t a burden to anyone I’ve ever loved. I’m learning I don’t need to do any of that. But it’s a process.
I ponder the question of my psychiatrist, whose frameless glasses are perilously falling down her aquiline nose. She waits with kind blue eyes, never pressuring me despite how long I take.
“I’m anxious. I know the family dinner is a safe space for me but they enjoy wine and I know they’ll probably make sure there’s none on the table, but it feels like they have to make adjustments. For me.”
Dr Linberg hums softly. I can almost hear the question underneath. And don’t you think you deserve the adjustments made for you? “I do think it’s a good thing if they do and it will make me feel seen, even though I’m also ashamed that they have to.”
A shiver runs up my spine and I shake my shoulders to dislodge the unwanted sensation. Thinking of alcoholism like a disease and something that hinders me rather than something I chose and that was “mine” has helped me heal tremendously. I’m only on the first step of my program and will have to stay within the facility for another three weeks but tonight will be the first time I go out since I admitted myself.
After my sister’s visit three weeks ago, I called an emergency meeting with Dr Linberg, and we decided I needed to be here longer, take it slow and focus on healing rather than “getting out”. Reframing that mindset has helped me feel less guilty towards Ember and I know Nico, Giulia and Andrea are taking amazing care of her. I see her everyday and miss being her care-taker but the long process is helping. I’m confident I can take care of her now.
When Nico told me that Lana, Julian and Lisandru were coming over this weekend to finalise the plan to go after Misha Petrov, I wanted to surprise them. My therapist thinks tonight is a great idea, under certain conditions. Nico is picking me up and bringing me back before 11 pm. Worse than Cinderella but I don’t mind. The routine I’ve created here has also helped with sleeping. I dream of Lisa every single night and wake up in tears.
Without the cover of alcohol, it’s like I miss her so deep the marrow of my bones call out for her. But I miss Ember even more. And Nico. How infallible he has been, taking everything in stride, showing up here even when I couldn’t receive visitors. I know he’s in pain and needs me to reassure him that none of my decisions were because of him or what he did or did not do. I want to be his rock as much as he has been for me.
The ghost of my sister lingers above me but behind the grey shroud of her presence is so much life. And I want to be part of that, I want to be part of them more than I want to join Lisa.
“I still feel so weak sometimes,” I muse.
“In regards to alcohol or something else?”
“I could relapse, that’s for sure. But mostly, like I’m not good enough for my daughter and for Nico. He has suffered so much and I believe I’m adding to it instead of helping enrich his life.”
“Have you talked to him about how you feel?” Dr Linberg asks and it makes me cringe. We did talk but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say.
We wrap up our session with a promise to talk to Nico and get the reassurance I obviously need directly from the source. I paint my eyes with black eye liner and use a pink gloss on my lips, feeling pretty in the mirror for the first time in a long time. The light in the bathroom of my room is harsh but my cheeks have natural colours, my skin clear and bright. I twirl like a school girl as I put on my midnight blue dress.
Knuckles on the open door of my room draw my eyes to the man standing there.
Nico looks painfully beautiful in a black cashmere sweater and his dark jeans over his black leather boots. Only the tattoos on his knuckles are visible and I take my time taking him in. I know I saw him just a few hours ago, but somehow this moment means something to me. Something different.
“Hi, luna mia .”
“Hi,” I answer shyly before I close the distance and kiss his lips in a chaste touch. “I miss you.”
With his characteristic deftness and ease, Nico slides his fingers into my hair on both sides of my head and presses me against the open door. His mouth on mine sends my head into a spin, our tongues tangling and breaths mingling. He’s everything I want.
A nurse clears her throat behind us and we step away from each other, eyes never leaving the other, lost to our moment.
On the ride to Andrea’s, Nico’s hand is firmly pressed on my thigh and the butterflies in my stomach start to riot. It’s not like I forgot how heady being with him is, how intoxicating, but maybe I did a little bit. I let myself fall against the passenger seat, watching him drive with ease, his forearm flexing as he holds the steering wheel. The butterflies move down and I blush, looking over at the road again.
We park outside Andrea and Giulia’s house and make our way in quickly to avoid the rain shower falling down.
“Nico, you’re late,” Catalina says from somewhere in the kitchen.
I enter the warm room. “That’s my fault, Catalina.”
Six pairs of eyes turn to me and self-consciousness rears its ugly head. Nico knew about tonight but if the rest of them didn’t, maybe there’s alcohol on the table and it will trigger me. Maybe they don’t want me here. Maybe I’m interrupting an important meeting or forcing them to delay decisions when it comes to going after Misha Petrov.
“ Carina ,” Catalina exclaims and wheels herself to me, then opens her arms wide for me. With tears threatening to butcher my make-up, I lean into her embrace and let her soothe me with her sweet motherly love. “We miss you so much, baby. I’m so happy to see you.”
When I straighten up, my teeth grind against each other with how hard I have to reign in my emotions. It’s annoying that I can’t seem to do anything but cry. Being here for family dinner is a gift.
Andrea hugs me. “It’s good to see you, Mimi,” he murmurs into my hair and the nickname I used to hate turns gentle and precious in the mouths of the people who love me so much they would wait for me.
“Thank God, you’re here. Your sister is unbearable. Keep me, please,” Julian jokes as he hugs me but my sister pushes him over to take his place. “Shut up, asshole. I’m not unbearable. And don’t hog my sister.”
Lisandru is the last to greet me with a short embrace. We’ve never been close so it’s warming me from the inside out even more. “I’m glad to see you, Marie,” he says with a nod then takes his silent place next to Lana again.
Giulia, who was standing close to the dinner table, approaches with Ember propped on her hip. My nose tickles again as I reach for her and take her into my arms. “Hi, Bibi,” I breathe into her hair and hug her to my chest, against my heart who mostly beats for her. I saw her this afternoon but it’s hitting me right now how grown she is already. I’ve always heard that babies change fast at this age but it never registered until now. If I don’t get my shit together, I could miss so much more of it. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, u mu sole ,” I tell her. “I’m gonna be a better mum, I promise.”
I’m conscious that every ear in the room is listening to me promising a better life to my daughter but I couldn’t care less.
Strong arms wrap around me from behind. Nico’s hands clasp my elbows and hold me close to his body, my back against his front, his lips at my temple. “We love you, and we’ll wait for you,” he whispers into my ear so low I barely hear him. My breath itches.
“I swear to you all, once I get my husband back, you’re gonna regret the days you made me watch you all fall in love,” Julian complains and breaks the moment. Everyone follows him and takes a seat around the massive oak table dressed like a feast at the centre of the living room.
When I move to take my place, Nico stops me by stepping in front of me, blocking my view of the rest of our party. His amber eyes shine with an intensity I’m all too familiar with and adore.
“I mean it, luna mia . I’ll wait for you. Just please don’t leave.”
I gulp and nod, incapable of forming words that will soothe him, and also aware that all ears are on us. My love and promises are meant for him only. The paper in my bag burns a hole in it but I don’t think now is the perfect moment to show it to him. Maybe later when he drops me off.
Dinner is spent talking about every unserious topic under the sun. How Lana, Julian and Lisandru hate the rain and would never be able to live in West Hill or anywhere above the latitude of Marseille. How Catalina has been preparing a huge benefit gala with the Hospital Board and we Capaldis all have to attend next month. The fact that she includes me in the Capaldi side of the family with a wink is both a relief and a strange novelty. It’s as though by distancing myself from the Moretti name this way, I feel closer to it. I don’t put too much thought behind it and focus on the people around the table.
The evening is light and I enjoy every second of it. There’s no wine to be found on the table and I’m not sure if it’s a conscious choice on their part. I appreciate it all the same, a slight blush on my cheeks as I take a sip of my soda.
I drop Ember on Nico’s lap to go to the bathroom and when I come back to the table, I watch as Lana stares at them with an unreadable expression.
“You’re good with her,” she tells Nico, who doesn’t lift his gaze as he answers.
“Of course. She’s mine.” He kisses Ember’s head then feeds her a little bit of mashed carrots he set on the side for her. She giggles at him and my heart somersaults again.
As much as I’m enjoying the conversation, seeing Nico claim my daughter for everyone to see does something to me. I need him alone and I need to show him what he means to me. And that’s a private affair.
“Nico, I’m pretty tired, would you mind driving me back a little early?” I ask.
He doesn’t react, not even a flinch, nodding and getting up without another word. Of course he knows I’m lying, as we planned to have some time just for the two of us. I’m unsure he’s gonna like the surprise I have for him and the uncertainty has my hands shaking.
After more embraces and leaky eyes, we say our goodbyes. Giulia promises to come over to the clinic with Ember tomorrow and everyday after so I can see my daughter. As fun as this was, and healing as well, my mind and body are tired and ready to crash. I didn’t think healing would take out so much of my strength.
But first, I get Nico alone.