Thirty-Nine Noah
thirty-nine
Noah
Turin was like a smaller, cozier Milan—similar architecture, similar vibes, similar weather—only more closed off. The streets were narrower. The people were quieter. The city had secrets it wasn’t willing to give up.
Or maybe Noah just didn’t have time to figure them out, running out of the station and into a cab, breathlessly giving the hospital’s address to the driver.
Noah kept checking his phone, and he couldn’t honestly say if he was waiting to hear from Angela or Ramin. Or both. His neck and shoulders were tight with worry about Jake, even though Angela had insisted everything was fine. And his stomach was heavy with how he’d left things with Ramin.
He’d messed up, he knew that, but he didn’t know what he could’ve done differently. He didn’t know how he could fix this.
He texted Angela when the cab finally dropped him off.
Noah
Here
Angela
Room 1701
He’s awake
The elevator moved like molasses. Noah’s head swam with the smell of antiseptic. His skin turned to gooseflesh in the cool air. His heart hammered. He hadn’t been to a hospital since… goodness, had it really been Jake’s birth?
When the doors opened on the seventeenth floor, Noah beelined to Jake’s room. Or he tried to, at least. He got turned around twice, his anxiety mounting steadily, until he finally found it.
It wasn’t until he saw his son, alert and awake and sitting up in bed reading the latest Ellie Engle book, that his lungs started working again.
“There’s my guy.” Noah crossed the room in two large strides to hold his son. He stopped himself from crushing Jake with the hug he wanted to give and settled instead for a gentle embrace, a kiss on the forehead, a ruffle of Jake’s soft hair. “How are you feeling, buddy?”
“I’m okay,” Jake said without looking up.
“The doctors said the surgery went perfectly. No complications.” Angela stood by the couch, rolling out her neck and grimacing. Noah let go of Jake to give her a hug.
“I’m sorry it took me so long.”
“Why? You made good time.” She cocked her head. “Where’s Ramin?”
“Ramin’s coming?” Jake perked up.
Noah swallowed. “No, buddy. He wanted to, but I…”
What could he say?
Jake’s face fell. Noah tried not to think about why.
“We were in a hurry. Sorry.”
Angela gave him a bewildered look. “A hurry? I told you, everything was fine.”
Everything was not fine.
“Jake, you mind if your mom and I step outside for a second?”
Jake shrugged. Noah gestured.
Angela crossed her arms but led the way into the hall. As soon as he closed the door, Noah rounded on her.
“Why didn’t you tell me the minute he got sick?” He kept his voice as even as he could, though Angela had to hear the shake in it. Everything in him wanted to scream and shout, but this was a hospital, and no matter what, Noah didn’t shout to get his way.
“Because it was a minor surgery. Because you were hours away and it was the middle of the night. Because Jake was safe and being taken care of. And because I was afraid you’d do exactly what you ended up doing.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Anger flared in Noah’s chest, but he shoved it down, packed it tight.
Except it wouldn’t pack. He’d been stuffing down everything he felt so long, there was no more room.
“I’m his dad . I deserved to know. This whole trip you’ve been acting like your opinion is the only one that matters, but it’s not. I’m allowed to be upset about this.”
Angela opened her mouth to argue—like always—but to Noah’s surprise, she snapped it shut again. She took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring, but when she exhaled, she seemed to deflate a bit. Soften.
“You’re right.”
Noah blinked. He could probably count on one hand—two, tops—the number of times Angela had said that to him. Granted, she usually was right, but still.
“I’m sorry. I was doing what I thought was best for you, but I don’t get to choose that.
You do. It’s just… you put everyone’s needs and wants ahead of your own.
All the time. And it probably doesn’t help when I steamroll you, and that’s something that I need to work on.
But, Noah, it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. You don’t have to be such a martyr.”
Noah shook his head, but his ears rang with the truth of it. Hadn’t Ramin said the same thing, just last night?
“And now,” Angie said, holding his eyes. “You found someone who cares about your needs, who puts you first, and what do you do? You leave him behind.”
“There was no time—”
“Five minutes wouldn’t have made a damned bit of difference in getting here, and they sure as hell wouldn’t have made Jake recover faster. You could’ve brought him with you. So why didn’t you?”
Noah opened his mouth to explain, but nothing came out.
Why didn’t he? He’d ached every mile as the train steamed toward Turin. He ached for Ramin now. Wished he could take Ramin’s hand and twine their fingers together. Find some strength in Ramin’s solid, steady presence.
“I don’t know.”
Except he did know, deep down.
He had panicked. Plain and simple. He’d spent every day since Jake was born trying to be the best father he could be, and some lizard-brain part of him said Go-go-go . So he had.
“I freaked out,” he admitted.
“I understand. But I told you Jake was all right. What kind of example are you setting for him? To always put everyone else’s needs before his own? That’s no way to live a life, Noah. Not for him, and not for you.”
Noah shook his head. His eyes burned. “I know.” It all made perfect sense, now that he was here, now that he could see Jake was okay, but that didn’t undo what an absolute fool he’d been.
“I just never want him to doubt that I love him with all my heart. Exactly how he is. And I’ll always protect him. ”
“He knows,” Angela said. And then, more quietly, in answer to the thing Noah was thinking but hadn’t said aloud: “You’re not your parents.”
Noah let out a low breath. He knew he wasn’t. But the wounds ran deep, and sometimes he forgot.
“I know,” he managed. He was crying, and he hated crying, not because it was weak or bad or because his parents had said that boys don’t cry.
He hated it because he was the snottiest crier on the face of the planet.
He sniffed and tried to spot a Kleenex box through his tears before things got really gross.
To her credit, Angela didn’t bat an eye, just pulled a little packet of tissues out of her tactical satchel and handed them over.
“Thanks.” He blew his nose.
She nodded. “So. What now?”
“I don’t know.” Another thing Noah hated about crying: It gave him the hiccups. “I really messed up with Ramin.”
Angela rested a warm hand on Noah’s chest, right over his heart, which was still threatening to claw its way out his chest and shoot across the room.
“You really love him, huh?”
“What?” Hiccup. He liked Ramin. Liked him a lot. Could see a future with him. But love ?
“You used to look at me the way you look at him.”
It was impossible. It was unimaginable.
It was inevitable.
He loved Ramin. Loved him more than he knew he could. Loved him like he’d never loved before.
Maybe he always had.
“You’re right,” he muttered. “You’re right.”
Angela tried her best not to smirk, but it didn’t work.
“But I left him.”
“You can go back.”
Noah hiccupped again. He nodded.
“Now come on. Jake’s probably wondering what we’re talking about.”
Angela moved for the door, but Noah tugged her back.
“Angie? Thanks.”
A lively nurse in purple scrubs brought Jake his lunch. Noah stayed to help him eat while Angela took a break.
Jake looked so small in the hospital bed, propped up with what looked like a dozen pillows, Noah ached at the sight.
He ran his hand over Jake’s hair again and again.
It was so soft. Sometimes, it was hard to separate the Jake before him, the one devouring a plate of ravioli, from the little baby he’d held to his heart and rocked to sleep.
But Jake was growing up. He was strong. He was mischievous. He’d had a minor procedure, but he was healthy.
“Hey Dad?” Jake looked up from his empty plate.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“What’s a martyr?”
Noah chuckled. Jake was a masterful eavesdropper.
“You heard that, huh?”
Jake shrugged.
“It’s someone who gives their life for something they believe in.”
Jake’s eyes widened.
“But what your mom meant is that sometimes I try too hard to make other people happy, even if it makes me un happy.”
Jake looked at him with those big brown eyes of his. His lip quivered. “I don’t want to make you unhappy.”
“What? Buddy, you could never. Why would you ever think that?”
“Then why don’t you want me to stay with you?”
Something cross-threaded in Noah’s brain, made a horrible grinding sound. “What?”
“I’m sorry for fighting with you so much. I don’t mean to.”
“I know, buddy, I know. That’s just part of growing up.” Noah brushed Jake’s hair back. “What do you mean, why don’t I want you to stay with me? I’d love it if you stayed.”
Jake sniffed. “I thought you wanted me to move here with Mom.”
“Oh, Jakey.” Noah’s chest squeezed. How many times could his heart break in one day? “I want you to do what’ll make you happy. If that means moving with your mom, I’ll miss you, but I’ll support you.”
“But what if I want to stay with you?”
“Then I’d be the happiest dad in the world.” Noah looked at his son. His beautiful son. “I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t want you to stay with me. I didn’t want to pressure you. What you want is what matters most to me and your mom.”
“I thought you were mad at me,” Jake whispered.
Noah caught Jake’s tears with his thumb. He kissed Jake on the forehead.
“Buddy, everyone gets mad sometimes. But even if I was mad at you, I’ll never stop loving you. And I’d never want to send you away.”
“You promise?”
Noah chuckled. Jake and his promises.
But this was a real one. One he could keep.
“I promise.”