CHAPTER FOUR
Riley — 16 years old (Sophomore year)
The party is already in full swing when I walk through the door of Jasper’s house. I know I’m an hour late, but that was me debating if I should bail on my own birthday party and stay in bed, or force myself to make an appearance.
But if I had bailed, I would have never heard the end of it from Jasper. He’ll probably tell me how much of a bore I am.
And that’s my need to please him. To keep him happy and satisfied.
I have everything I need and to the outside world, I’m living life behind rose-tinted glasses. Perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect cheerleader, and now perfect girlfriend.
The moment I walk through the door, Elaine practically runs to me. Her blonde hair is in a high ponytail and her green minidress molds perfectly to her curves. Her winged eye-liner is flawless and her lips are painted bright red.She’s drop-dead gorgeous. Elaine wears her confidence like a second skin, and there’s nothing fake about it. She knows she’s hot and if she could, she’d advertise it on a billboard. I wish I could be like that.
When people look at me, they see someone poised, determined and confident. Rich and in control. They don’t see the drowning person, the one sinking into the abyss. They don’t see the devils sitting on my shoulders, taunting me over my weaknesses and failures.
“You’re late, Little Miss Popular .”
I roll my eyes. Elaine has been calling me that nickname since she lost the title of Cheer Captain to me last year.
“I know, but where’s Jasper?” My gaze moves around the crowded room, searching for my boyfriend. “I don’t see him.”
Elaine shrugs. “I saw him earlier, but I don’t know where he is now.”
Diego moves stealthily behind Elaine, his arm snaking around her waist, and he roughly pulls her back into his body. She squeals, and then bursts into a fit of drunken giggles when he starts kissing her neck. “Stop, babe.”
“Maybe we need to take this outside, to my car,” he suggests, loud enough for me to hear.
“Hmm, I agree.”
I watch as Diego maneuvers Elaine through the crowd, and out of the house. Well, I guess I won’t be seeing her again for the rest of the night.
The scent of sweat and alcohol is overpowering, and the music is too loud. My heart thuds in my chest and my hands grow clammy with sweat. To my left, I see Blythe on Jakob’s lap. Sasha is dancing with some guy I’ve never seen before, and Jenny is nowhere to be found.
Blythe and Elaine are what I would call my “childhood friends.” We’ve known each other since we were six years old. Through playdates and gossip, we became inseparable. We tell each other our secrets— except the ones I want to keep hidden. The ugly secrets that no one knows, but it breeds on my fear and feeling of defeat.
I met Sasha and Jenny in our freshman year. Rich girls who love spending Daddy’s money, and haughty enough to know they can get anything they want. I guess they fit right into the social circle that surrounds me.
Another brief scan around the room and I can tell there are no outsiders in the crowd. Everyone here is from Berkshire Academy.
Berkshire Academy of Weston is the private school of the rich and corrupted. We’re all the same here and we all have one purpose in life: to continue the legacy of our parents. And most of us do it with great arrogance and a hefty superiority complex.
I push through the crowd, moving toward Blythe. She sees me and beckons me over with a drunken grin. “Have you seen Jasper?” I ask once I’m close enough for her to hear me.
“I think he’s upstairs?” She looks at Jakob, who is not focused on anything other than Blythe’s chest. He’s practically drooling. She playfully punches his shoulder, and it’s almost like he snaps out of a reverie. Jakob blinks, confused. “What?”
“You know where Jasper is,” Blythe drawls with a mischievous smirk. “I saw you with him earlier.”
Jakob nods. “Yeah, yeah. Upstairs, with the others,” he says, before going back to staring at Blythe’s chest.
“Okay thanks.”
I leave them to their own things and make my way upstairs. I know there’s only one place where Jasper can be: the TV room. If he’s not downstairs, he’s up here with his close friends. Away from the crowd.
Jasper’s house is practically a labyrinth, but I’ve been here a few times, so I find my way easily. The door is closed, but I can already hear the banging music coming from inside. I don’t hesitate to open the door and walk into the room. The huge flat-screen TV is usually the first thing that grabs my attention, but not today.
The smell of weed and alcohol is so strong, it makes my head dizzy.
I hear drunken giggles and laughter.
And then I see Jasper.
Maybe the universe was trying to warn me… and maybe I turned a blind eye to it. To all the red flags. I think, somehow, I had already known, or at least expected it. But seeing it — the humiliation and confusion that come with it, I wasn’t prepared for that.
I wasn’t prepared to see my boyfriend shoving his tongue down the throat of one of my best friends.
When Seth and Dominic see me, they try to get Jasper’s attention. But he’s too busy with Jenny to even care. There are two more guys and another girl I don’t recognizein the room, and they all pause to look at me.
Finally, Jasper pulls away from Jenny. And I stay standing where I am. By the door, watching them get entangled together. His hand is under her dress and her face is flushed. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s deliriously drunk or because of the gross make-out session that was happening right in front of my eyes.
Suddenly, I find it hard to breathe. The air around me grows heavy as Jasper’s gaze falls on me. The ground sways and my heart thumps against my rib cage: hard and bruising.
I wait for the hurt to come, for the pain of heartbreak. The pain of seeing my boyfriend cheating with my best friend.
But I don’t feel anything except digusted and humiliated.
There’s no pain.
But there’s plenty of fury.
So much pent-up anger, so much tortured frustration that I’ve kept inside me for too long.
My stomach clenches and knots with sickness — I feel like I’m going to retch all over Jasper’s shiny clean floor. But I swallow the bile and I straighten my back.
Flames of hatred lick through my veins and I feel the way my fragile heart hardens.
There’s shame crawling under my flesh, but I don’t let them see it on the surface. I bury it. I bury everything, into the dark abyss that’s there…in the furthest corner of my soul. Where all my other ugly secrets reside.
“O-oh shit, Riley,” Jenny stutters. I see the wave of uncertainty on her face, and the look of pity in her transparent expression.
Jasper doesn’t speak. He doesn’t move Jenny off his lap. He doesn’t try to apologize. He’s high and maybe tipsy, but he’s not completely drunk. He has his senses and he knows how this situation looks right now. But there’s no remorse in his dark eyes.
There’s nothing but mirth that paints his expression. Almost like all of this is a stupid joke. As if I am a joke to him.
Maybe I am…
Maybe I am a joke to all of them.
I take a step back to walk away. Jasper’s grin widens and his fingers curl around Jenny’s neck. He roughly pulls her back to him, his lips crashing against hers in a long, wet lingering kiss. Jenny doesn’t pull away. No, she closes her eyes and kisses him back.
Walk away, Riley.
I take a deep breath and shove everything down, all the anger and the maelstrom of emotions that seem to drown me. My eyes close for a second, as I regain my composure.
Walk away and don’t look back.
I am Riley Johnson, poised and confident. Calm, cool and collected. The perfect lady that my mother raised and my father expects me to be. I don’t make a scene. I don’t yell and I don’t cry.
With my back straight and my shoulders squared, I nudge my chin high and stare at Jasper. He smirks into the kiss, his gaze still on me.
He’s not going to break me. Not tonight.
“Your party is lame, Jasper,” I drawl, my cheeks burning, but I force my perfect pageant smile on my lips, “and cheating on me publicly? That’s lame too. Quite overrated, I would say. Do better, I dare you.”
I don’t wait for a response. I don’t stay to hear their mocking laughter or see their taunting grins. I walk away, because that’s what a lady does.
I am Riley Johnson, poised and confident. Calm, cool and collected.
I walk away from the party, avoiding Blythe when she calls out to me. I don’t stop until the sound of the music fades into the night, until I am far away from his house and everyone there.
I don’t stop until my lungs are burning, and I double over in pain. Keep walking, Riley. Don’t stop, don’t look back.
I wish I hadn’t sent Mr. Rodney, my personal chauffeur, back home. He was the one who drove me here. I could call him and tell him to come and pick me up, but he’s going to ask questions. And will probably report back to my father. I don’t have the energy to deal with their questions or my father’s judgments right now.
It takes me a whole hour to get home. I have long taken off my heels, and my feet are so blistered, I can see some cuts that are bleeding.
When I get there, it’s late, and the house is eerily silent. I don’t know if my parents are home yet, but I quietly make my way to the kitchen. I limp around with my sore feet. I grab a tray of food, piling anything I can get my hands on onto the plates.
Somewhere in the back of my head, there are red signals flashing. But the devils on my shoulders are whispering in my ears. Encouraging me.
I am trapped in the claws of misery, but I don’t stop until there’s no space left on my tray. I quietly make my way back to my bedroom. There, I pull out of my phone and quickly scroll through the take-out app. Ordering a large cheese pizza, then I add some muffins and bacon to the order. After a second-thought, I add two large fries to my cart. When I’m finished, I make sure to leave a note for the driver. “Don’t ring the bell. Leave the food at the door.”
There. Done.
The smell of delicious food from my tray beckons me. My misery takes a back seat and excitement, mixed with tense adrenaline, flicker through my veins. I can’t think clearly, my brain is fuzzy and at the first bite of food, it’s like my body is a balloon, and I’m floating.
This is my drug of choice.
Every bite fills me with immense pleasure, and I can’t help but moan in greediness. And once I begin, I can’t stop .
I shovel the food into my mouth and down my throat, enjoying every delicious flavor. This is food heaven. And my stomach’s growing fullness reminds me of a warm, comforting hug. For some people, an orgasm is their level of euphoria.
This is mine.
I only pause long enough to go down and grab the food I ordered. Then I’m back in my room, shoving every bite into my mouth, like I can’t get enough.
It’s not enough.
I can’t stop.
I don’t know how to stop.
I stuff myself past what my body can possibly hold. My lack of control derails, like it always does. Until my tray is clean, and everything I had ordered has been shoved down my throat.
The moment I take my last bite, my mood shifts. The adrenaline and the excitement flicker out, and in comes my anxiety and the feeling of pure disgust and self-loathing.
The fullness of my stomach no longer feels euphoric.
I feel gross, and absolute horror washes over me. I barely make it to the bathroom before I start gagging. Bile tastes acidic on my tongue, and I make it to the toilet just in time for me to start retching violently. But I don’t stop there. Shoving my two fingers down my throat, I force out every bite I gladly took earlier.
I can’t afford to gain weight.
I can’t…not do this.
The devils on my shoulders are laughing now. Taunting me.
The sound of me vomiting and my awful gagging echo around the wall of my bathroom. But I won't stop.
I can’t stop.
I don’t know how to stop.
The smell is so pungent, making my vomiting so much worse, that I start to feel dizzy. Good. I need to take everything out. Sobbing, I heave with great revulsion over the bowl of the toilet. I need to expel every single bite I took.
Everything feels so gross. I am disgusted with myself.
But it’s the trigger I need. That feeling. It keeps me going. I need it.
I need it so that I don’t break.
Tears run down my cheeks, and I wipe away my snot with the sleeves of my shirt. I cough and gag until it feels like my lungs are about to give out. My body is so strained that I start to feel cramps everywhere. In my stomach, in my chest, in my legs.
There’s a dull pain in the back of my skull. A cruel headache that usually accompanies my purging. After what feels like hours with me hunching over the toilet, I finally move. My muscles are sore and twitching as I crawl into the shower.
I barely have the energy to undress, but once I have my dress (stained with vomit) off, I open the water. Sliding against the wall of my shower, I sit and close my eyes. The water rains over my sore body, warm until it grows cold. My body is lethargic, but the familiar feeling of self-loathing hammers through me.
My soul has taken a beating.
My body is weakened.
And my mind…I can’t think .
There’s a hole inside me, something dark. Something dangerous. Something so ugly I can’t let the world see it.Ever.
***
Everyone grows quiet when I walk in, just as expected. The whole cafeteria is watching me now, silently judging. I can feel their stares burning into me, but I keep my back straight and head high as I walk to the food line. They can talk, they can laugh — but they won’t break me. Not today.
I was naive to trust Jasper, but that won’t be a mistake I make again.
I will not be fooled a second time, not by a guy like Jasper.
Elaine and Blythe are already at our table, and I give them a nod in passing. I only take a slice of pizza, a brownie and a bottle of water. The attendant swipes my school card and I walk back to where my friends are sitting.
The moment I sit, Elaine leans in closely to whisper in my ears, “You’re the center of attention, again .”
“When am I not?” I force a smile, trying to lighten the mood. It’s not a big deal; I’m always the center of attention. More so even when I started dating Jasper six months ago. He’s a popular linebacker of Berkshire Academy, so the boys wish they were him and the girls constantly vie for his attention. When our relationship was made public, I became the object of desire for the boys, and the source of jealousy for the same girls who wanted Jasper for themselves.
Well, they can have him now. I want nothing to do with that piece of shit.
Enjoy my leftovers, bitches. His dick was nothing special, that’s for sure.
“It’s for a totally different reason today, though,” Blythe adds, with a slight wince.
I pick up the pizza and bring it to my mouth. I don’t take a bite though. It’s just an act I have mastered. The act of making people believe that I’m eating. I nibble on the corner, just barely tasting the flavor of the pepperoni pizza. I hate eating in front of people. “Well, I was simply a bet to him.”
Blythe frowns, her eyebrows pulling together in confusion. “I don’t understand, are you not hurt?”
After finding out what happened at the party on Saturday night, Blythe and Elaine called me the next morning. Elaine found out from Diego that Jasper only dated me for a bet.
A bet he made with his fellow jock friends.
I’m the Cheer Captain, popular, rich and beautiful. Unapproachable . I didn’t date and most definitely didn’t have time to goof around with boys — even though, God knows how many have tried. I was what they described as desirable but unattainable.
So I became a bet.
Who could seduce and win me over. Who could take my virginity.
Jasper was confident he’d win. And I guess he did.
Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice — oh, no, no.
So, am I hurt? Not really.
Am I angry, though? Yes. I’m more than furious.
They took my dignity and made it into a game of cat and mouse. They made me into a joke. Yeah, I’m enraged.
“I’m not hurt,” I respond to Blythe’s confusion. “Angry, yeah. But hurt? Not at all. You need to care and love someone to be heartbroken over their betrayal. I could care less about Jasper and his bets.”
Elaine cocks her head to the side, in silent suspicion. “Are you just saying that to save face?”
Rolling my eyes, I place the slice of pizza back on the tray. “I really don’t care. Drop it. Let them stare and talk. It’ll pass eventually and they’ll find something else to gossip about.”
Berkshire Academy is a shark tank. But I know how this works. They will jump onto a scandal when it’s hot and then move on to the next, just as quickly. It’s all for the sake of entertainment.
There’s a hushed silence around the cafeteria and the hair on the back of my neck prickles. “He’s here,” Blythe mutters. I don’t turn around, I barely even twitch. From the corner of my eyes, I see Jasper and his friends strolling through the cafeteria’s doors.
Jenny, and two other girls with them.
“Traitor,” Elaine spats, “I can’t believe Jenny would do that.”
“Leave it.” I take a deep breath, watching as my ex-best friend sit at the table with Jasper, my now ex-boyfriend. His arm goes around the back of her chair, and he leans in close to whisper something to her. They look very cozy, side by side. I wonder how long they have been together, going behind my back before making it so public at my birthday party.
Jasper’s gaze moves to me and I fight the urge to claw his arrogant face. But I’m not going to ruin my recently done nails on that asshole. He’s not worth it, I remind myself.
Calm, cool and collected. Don’t snap, Riley.
I’m taking a sip of water when Sasha walks into the cafeteria. She pauses when she sees me, Blythe and Elaine at one table, while Jenny is sitting with Jasper at another one. Elaine blows out a breath, and I wait.
Sasha takes a step forward, and when she moves into Jenny’s direction, I can’t help the bitter smile that appears on my lips. I guess she made her choice.
“Wow,” Blythe mutters under her breath, “what the actual fuck?”
“It’s okay.” I smile through the embarrassment. Jasper cheating on me doesn’t hurt as much as my two best friends choosing to betray me. That hurts — their betrayal and their lies.
I go back to nibbling on my pizza when my phone pings with a notification. But it’s not only mine. Several phones ping simultaneously around the cafeteria, including Elaine’s and Blythe’s.
Elaine is already checking her phone before I can grab mine. She sucks in a sharp breath and a swear slips out.
“Jesus Christ,” Blythe squeaks, her eyes round in shock.
Elaine’s gaze snaps to mine, and I can see the pity there. I’m not sure I like the look she’s giving me right now. Anxiety slides through me and my hands shake with nerves as I grab my phone and open the message.
My breathing stutters; the world spins and tilts on its axis and I am left feeling disoriented. Time slows, before coming to a complete halt for a whole minute. I hear the whispers in the background. I hear Elaine calling out my name. Someone touches my arm.
But I can’t focus.
I can’t… breathe.
My vision blurs — everything around me loses focus.
My own eyes stare back at me on my phone screen. A photo of me, my top half. I’m only wearing a pink lace bra. And I know with absolute certainty that’s the same notification that everyone else got.
I briefly remember Jasper taking this photo of me last week. But we had been in the middle of making out, and I got distracted when Elaine had called me. I wasn’t paying much attention to what Jasper was doing at that time.
Oh God.
Our phones ping with another notification. This time, it’s an audio attachment. My stomach churns with nausea, and I feel faint.
I can’t breathe.
Someone…anyone… help me.
I don’t open the attachment, but Elaine does. And her volume is loud enough for me to hear what’s on it.
“You like this? How much do you want it? Tell me.”
“Just hurry up, do it. I want this.”
I instantly recognize my voice and Jasper’s from the audio clip. From Friday night. My birthday. Elaine lets out another curse and quickly swipes out of her messages, slamming her phone down on the table.
My heart pounds so hard I can feel the blood whooshing between my ears. My face and neck are flushed with horrifying embarrassment. I’m so mortified I can’t even think properly.
Is it possible to be so humiliated that you want to die, right here? Right now? I wish there was a hole that would up from the ground and swallow me whole. I want to be taken somewhere faraway from here, from this mortifying chaos.
This absolute humiliation that Jasper has subjected me to.
I hear his laughter. And his friends. I can feel their stares burning into me, and their whispers mocking me. My eyes meet Jasper’s and his smirk sets me off.
Shock and rage course through me, a sea of mixed emotions. Standing up, I stalk to his table. He jumps to his feet, meeting me halfway.
My chest heaves, my breathing shaky as I stand in front of him. It takes everything in me, every ounce of courage to face the person who has taken my dignity and repeatedly stomped on it. So cruelly and heartlessly.
“You didn’t have my consent,” I hiss in his face. “To take that photo or to record that audio clip.”
His arrogant smile widens. “So what? Are you going to complain to the Headmaster? Or maybe Daddy Dearest? What are they going to do? What can they possibly do?”
My fists clench and my heart stutters once more. I’m on the verge of having a complete breakdown, but I can’t . Not now, not here. Definitely not in front of him and a crowd that’s praying for my downfall.
“You’re an asshole, you know that? An asshole who preys on girls and thinks he can get away with it because his father is the Chief of Police. You’re not invincible. Newsflash, Jasper. Everyone falls. You will too.”
“Oh yeah?” He crowds into my space and I feel like I’m going to vomit all over his shiny shoes. “But you have fallen , Little Miss Popular. You’ve fallen so low, you can’t even crawl back up. Look around you, Riley. You are a joke now.”
I don’t look.
Because he’s right.
I won’t look.
Because I’m weak.
Calm, cool and collected.
“You had your laugh, good for you. I’m not going to waste my time on your little game. You’re not worth it.”
He throws his head back and laughs.
I take a step back. Walk away, Riley.
I turn my back to him. Walk away now, Riley.
I begin my walk of shame. Don’t look back. Don’t snap.
“You told me to do better,” he calls out to my retreating back, “how does it feel, Riley? To be the school’s clown.”
My steps falter, and I pause.
The anger simmering in the pit of my stomach flickers, like a blazing inferno that wants to burn me from the inside out. Violence surges through my veins. At the moment, I don’t have time to think about my actions. Or of the possible consequences.
Swiveling around, I grab his tray of food and flip it at him. His meal goes all over his Berkshire Academy’s uniform, some of the sauce splattering on his chin and cheeks. The drink spills on the ground, all over his new, polished shoes. There are multiple gasps around the cafeteria. Jenny squeals in surprise. Jasper lets out a loud oath, his eyes flashing angrily.
Bitterness and fury are like poison, clawing right under the surface of my flesh. He moves toward me, and I lurch forward, without thinking. My fingers close into a fist, and my arm rears back before I bring it forward. He doesn’t see it coming. In fact, neither do I. It’s like my body is moving on its own accord.
My fist connects with his nose, and I hear a loud crunch. I don’t know if it’s his nose or my knuckles. But the agony that sears through my hand and up to my elbow is almost blinding. I flinch, and anxiety courses through me. Did I just break my fingers?
I don’t have time to contemplate my actions, before I’m suddenly surrounded by other students. Jenny runs to Jasper’s side, who is holding his face and groaning in pain.
Elaine grabs my elbow and roughly pulls me back. “Shit, Riley. What have you done?”
Jolting back in surprise, I stare at the mess in front of me. “What the fuck?” Jenny yells, her voice high-pitched and worried. “You broke his nose, you crazy bitch!”
I feel their shocked stares more than I can see them. The sneers, and the extreme judgment coming from everyone around me. The need for violence, the fury and the adrenaline that came with it dies down. Replaced by fear and mortification. My stomach revolts, and the tremors begin. Slowly from the inside, before I feel my whole body starting to shake.
So I do the one thing I said I would never do.
With great shame and absolute horror, I bow my head and run, leaving the chaos I made behind. What have I done? What have I DONE?
Oh God…
This is a nightmare. And I’ll wake up soon. This has to be a nightmare.
I am Riley Johnson, poised and confident. Calm, cool and collected.
I am Riley Johnson, flustered and weak. Worthless, grotesque, and ruined .