Chapter Twenty-Four #2
His eyes are stuck on his shoes as the Warden continues talking, blathering. I can’t be certain Dash is even listening until he comes to stand before him. My muscles stiffen, as if preparing to protect him as The Ivory bends to make eye contact.
“Do you understand why you’re here, Dascha? Truly?” He asks, and Dash is visibly uneasy.
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I… I robbed Municipal Credit Union…”
His words, in that grungy voice, hang in the air. The Warden is giving him a look that seems to mirror how I’m feeling.
Robbing the bank…? That’s it?
Is he really going to deny killing Karly?
Sure, he could just be lying, pledging his innocence. But I’ve seen that many times over the years, we all have. And that’s not what I’m seeing or feeling from Dascha right now when he reopens his eyes.
I would say it could be a symptom of my crush, but The Ivory looks a bit puzzled himself.
Does Dash not recall what he did? How is that possible?
He killed the governor’s niece… Didn’t he?
His gaze at the Warden hardens a bit, restless in consternation until he twitches in his seat. He seems edgy, knee bouncing, fingers twisting in his lap. And I’m overpowered by the desire to ease his suffering.
I’ve never felt anything like it; a fervent yearning to comfort someone, take their pain away. It’s visceral. The most intense wave of angst washes over me, and it’s active work, not lunging at the kid.
Swallowing thickly, my thumb and middle fingertips tap together, over and over, the only slight movement I have to keep myself in check.
Dash’s face slants in my direction. Eyes on my hand first, before they glide up my body, to my face.
Our eyes lock, for only a split second. But that’s all it takes.
I’m fucking gone.
Stand still.
Tap.
Don’t move.
Tap.
Breathe.
Don’t. Tap. Touch. Tap. Him. Tap tap tap.
“Officer,” The Ivory snaps. I flinch, guilty and flushed, as I pry my eyes away from my luscious fantasy come true. He lifts a brow at me. “You’re up.”
Fuck me…
No. Please, don’t make me…
Despite knowing I have to, I don’t move until he clears his throat and physically snaps his fingers at me, nodding to the center of the room.
Gulping, I tread forward, taking robotic steps toward the chair where Dash is sitting.
Radiating pure tension, nerves bunched as our eyes meet again, up close this time.
All of the air whooshes right out of my lungs.
Hazel… They’re swirling mossy green and brown hazel, like a forest.
Dear God, he is more beautiful than I ever could have prepared for…
Dash’s lips part, and my heart slams against my ribcage so hard I almost cough. He’s so much prettier up close, and he smells goddamn mouthwatering. I can’t stand it. I actually flick on the clippers by accident because of how sweaty and shaky my hands are.
“Is this really necessary?” Dash whines, wide hazel doe-eyes sparkling up at me, shifting from mine to the Warden.
Fuck, I’m sorry…
I’m trembling, but I compose myself, knowing that The Ivory is scrutinizing my every movement.
Sucking in a breath of preparation, I shift behind Dash, somehow feeling him stiffen without even touching him.
I bite down so hard on the inside of my cheek I taste copper, nervously grasping the nape of his neck with my left hand, bringing the clippers to his scalp with my right.
Dash lets out a soft whimper. I blink slowly.
I hate this.
God, I fucking hate this.
Please, baby, don’t hate me…
I proceed to shave off Dash’s hair, screaming inside as I do, because it’s so soft and silky and sexy, and he’s miserable from head to toe over this. I think it might actually be the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.
His hair is part of what makes him look so… ethereal. It’s part of his identity, clearly. He takes pride in it… And I’m stealing it from him.
The Warden is speaking again, but neither of us is listening. Dash is shivering, and I’m cringing inside, watching him watch his hair flutter to the floor. His panic is palpable. I think this is more than just a haircut to him.
He’s about to break down, I can feel it.
With my fingers holding the base of his skull, I allow my thumb to graze the soft skin of his nape. Just a brief touch, meant to calm him. But I think it’s really for me.
To calm me, and treasure him.
Dash’s breathing goes labored, his muscles tensing as he closes his eyes and subtly rocks himself, mumbling words under his breath. The concern in me is back; that clawing need to pacify him.
As soon as I’m done shaving his head, I switch off the clippers. But I don’t move my hand away. I keep caressing his baby-soft skin, as gently as I can, in subtle, soothing strokes. Up and down, my heart is bursting to life inside me. It’s finally pumping blood again for the first time in years…
Maybe for the first time since I was fifteen. With Jeremy.
Those fleeting moments of bliss before the unbearable agony.
Dash’s violent trembles even out in seconds. His breathing shallows. I can feel him relaxing, easing into my touch, and it’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt.
I’m weightless, fucking soaring. Just brushing my thumb along the smooth plane of milky flesh beneath his now freshly shaven head while he sits still and lets me.
God, help me… I’m fucking drowning in this kid. Washing over him, praying he’ll absorb me… Let me be inside him.
Everything around us is black and white… But we are in full color.
My dick is pumping to life, too. It electrifies me, and for one, very brief moment, I imagine what could happen… if I stay.
It flashes through my mind in high definition. Vivid and bright… The way I think it would feel to be this close to him… more. To see and be seen by him, touch and be touched by him.
To fall with him, and… be loved by him.
Brushing my fingers off his neck is excruciating right now. Like ripping a part of my own anatomy off. I want to stay and touch him forever.
But I can’t.
This is bad. It’s so so bad…
I’m a junkie and I’ve never felt addiction so strong, and so instantaneous.
My eyes shift, and The Ivory is glaring at me. Peeking down, Dash is glaring at me.
Two very different sets of eyes, with very different looks. And believe it or not, Dash’s are the ones that snap me out of it.
He looks upset… Angry. The hazel in his eyes sparkles with need, I can see it, but it’s being shielded by too much unrest, and internal damage. So many things I live with myself.
I can’t do this…
Not anymore.
Stomping back to rejoin the line, I feel the weight of both black and hazel on me all the while. And I swallow down the truth, rough like a pill of barbed wire.
It doesn’t matter how much I like him, or how incredible it feels to be near him. How amazingly beautiful he is, even without his hair. Fuck me, he still looks so good…
I want every single piece of him, with all of his color, to surround me, envelope me in the taste, smell, sound, and feel of him. I’ve never craved anything so hard…
And that’s the problem.
I can’t stay here and want him this way. It’s every bit as unhealthy as shooting heroin into my veins.
It’ll only end in more pain, for both of us.
The Warden dismisses us, leaving Joy and Rook to bring Dash to the cell where he’ll spend the rest of his days. I’m choking back sobs and bile as I rush out after The Ivory.
This ends now.
And the craziest thing is that he’s expecting me. Just like when I showed up yesterday. He’s not surprised one bit to find me storming after him, but he just waltzes into his office like everything’s normal.
Like he hasn’t known exactly what he was doing this whole time.
The Ivory stares expectantly while I work up the nerve. And it’s actually not as hard as I thought it’d be.
I hack it up, like a hairball. “I quit.” He cocks a light eyebrow. I take a breath. “I’m done.”
Exhaling slowly, I close my eyes, seeing the sad, scared boy. Alone and… needing me.
No. Not me. He’s not… for me.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m out.”
The Ivory is glaring. Unmoving. It doesn’t even look like he’s breathing. “Are you now?”
“Yes,” I croak, projecting confidence, though it’s not lost of either of us that my voice is extra hoarse and unsteady. “I need to leave, Ivory. And I think you know why…”
“No one leaves, Kellan,” he murmurs. “Unless I say so. You know that, don’t you? You’ve been here since the start, after all…”
“Yea, I have. But it’s not…” I pause to gulp down the sorrow of what I’m about to say. “It’s not good for me to be here. Not now…”
He takes a step closer. “And if I say no?”
“I’m leaving, regardless.” I shrug. “Do your worst.”
He smirks, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I must say, I’m surprised, Officer. I assumed this was what you wanted.”
Fuck…
My heart is bleeding. Like I’ve been stabbed; a sharp puncture, right through the chest plate.
“It’s not…” I clear my throat. “No. I don’t… want this. I don’t want any of this.”
The lies on my tongue are so sour, rancid, they fill my mouth with saliva.
“After everything I did for you?” He hisses in my face. “Just like that?”
I nod slowly. “Thank you for not letting me die.”
“Not for lack of trying,” he growls.
My jaw tics, but I spin away fast before this can go any further. I just need to get out of here. Now.
Sauntering to the door, his voice catches me, “I wonder what will happen to him…” I come to a halt. “Without you here. He’s quite pretty, isn’t he? Dascha the luscious broken doll… These men will be ravenous. And he will be so vulnerable.”
No…
My fists tighten, feet weighted to the floor like they’re wrapped in cement.
Fuck, no…
He’s… she should be…
My teeth are clamped so hard I’m almost unable to wrench them apart to reply. But I manage it. A rough, ragged whimper rips up my throat, brows zipped and tears burning.
But I blink hard, choke it down, and force myself to croak, “Goodbye, Ivory.”
Saying goodbye to Joy was the hardest. Especially with what I asked her to do.