Chapter Twenty-Four #3
It’s no small favor. She’ll be putting her life at risk to do something for me that barely makes any sense. At least, not to her. But she’s a great friend, and an amazing person. She’s stronger than anyone else on this island.
And with that, I know she’ll be alright. Delivering goods to Dash. Looking out for him, for me.
I’m utterly consumed with guilt. This decision doesn’t feel good, not in the slightest. In fact, I’m sick over it. I hate myself for being such a coward. But I’m weak… And afraid.
I can’t wrap my head around how it felt to be close to him. To hold every sensation of his proximity in my hands, finally, for real. There’s seriously nothing like it.
I want so much from him… Everything, in fact.
But I can’t have it. It’s not mine to take.
He can’t be mine, no matter how badly I want him to be.
So I’ll settle for buying him gifts and delivering them through Joy. Hopefully, this will keep him from falling prey to the Alabaster Pen commissary system. The predators will descend… It’s just a fact. But I’ll leave my faith in Joy protecting him as best she can.
Am I confident in this move? Absolutely not.
But I have to go.
Back home, back to Nikki.
I’m going to give my marriage a real chance. Fix things and… start a family.
I’m nauseous down to my soul, but I ignore it, like I’m used to.
I’m good at this, after all. Running and hiding. It’s what I do.
I was just scared before, and it led me to become swept up in something illicit. The criminal with the pouty mouth and darkness in his hazel eyes.
It’s not real. It never was.
So I have to go… Before I talk myself out of it.
Before I truly reason that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life—and I’ve made a lot.
Still, this one feels worse than the most painful moments I’ve experienced.
In the mansion, I pack up my things as quickly as I can, fearing that any minute, one of The Ivory’s men will swing around the corner and shoot me between the eyes. Make no mistake, I’m fully aware that this is dangerous. Nobody quits of their own accord.
But hey… There’s a first time for everything.
Stuffing the last of my clothes into a bag, I look up to find Velle standing at the entrance of my room. Arms folded over his wide chest.
“So… that’s it?” He says, blank face, deep blue eyes, only a shade or two lighter than mine, glistening something unreadable.
That’s what The Ivory said…
I truly hope that Velle doesn’t fall victim to Manuel Blanco. But I know it’s deeper than that. I should tell him he deserves to be happy.
But how can I say that when I don’t even believe it for myself?
Standing up, I sling my bag over my shoulder, stalking past him. On my way out, I slap a hand down on his shoulder and mutter, “Try not to be too big of an asshole, asshole.”
The last thing I hear is him chuckling.
I have no idea how I’m going to get out of here. It’s not like the Warden will just let me take his jet, or his helicopter, or even his boat. My best bet would be to sneak onto one of the ferries that’s about to leave and just pray no one stops me with a knife across my throat.
Hustling through the woods, I come up to the dock. One of the ferries is there, but there’s no one around. The sun is setting, and I’m getting nervous.
I have to get out of here.
My eyes shift, and I spot the speedboat Velle keeps at the small dock. I bite my lip, considering it. But a voice inside tells me not to.
Velle might need it. And I don’t want to fuck him over.
We might not pals, but deep down, he’s a good man. Better than me… Because he stays and fights. Endures.
Breathing out a sigh, I look to the other end of the island, at the prison, visible just over the trees. I swallow, rubbing my eyes hard.
Fuck me, what am I doing??
This isn’t right. It’s not… what I want.
Casting one last glance at the ferry, I turn into the woods. It makes no sense at all, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. But my legs are carrying me back to Alabaster Penitentiary.
It takes less than twenty minutes to get there. I enter through the west entrance, using the code I’m not supposed to know. I wait until lights out in the cellblocks. And then I creep, slowly, over to the cell at the very end of row C.
Uncertainty swims as I peer inside. They’re both in bed. 35 is clearly asleep, snoring already. But not Dash.
He’s tossing and turning. Uncomfortable, and I get it. It’s his first night in prison… It’ll take him more than a couple of hours to acclimate.
Exhaling slowly, I take a seat on the floor, not giving a single fuck who sees. The control room guards could tell The Ivory—I’m sure he’ll see this himself at some point. But I just… don’t care.
I can’t leave without saying… goodbye.
Eventually, Dash stops moving. He curls up in his bed and appears to be dozing, at least a little.
“This is how it could be, I guess…” I whisper. “Me out here. You… in there.” I swallow hard, hating myself and my words. “Us, just close enough to be real… If I wasn’t such a coward.”
I sit on the dirty floor, in the dark, and watch him sleep.
“I’m sorry, Dash. I really am,” I tell him, pressure building as finally I speak the truth. For the first and last time. “I wish I didn’t have to leave, you know? I wish we were somewhere else. Somewhere… better than this.”
Closing my eyes, I see it. Me and him, together in a beautiful place. Somewhere colorful and warm. Lounging by the beach, soft sounds of the ocean lulling us.
I think back to that travel brochure I found in the break room…
“If things were different, I would stay…” My voice cracks and I sniffle, blinking back tears. “I want you to know that in another life you would be mine, baby. And we could… run away. Together.”
Dropping my chin, I shake my head. “But this is black and white… you know?”
After a few more minutes of sitting and wallowing, I wipe my eyes and stand up. Heavy once more. Remembering how light I was for those blissful seconds when he was beneath my fingertips.
“Just know that I’m with you, Dascha. I’m still with you.” I press my forehead to the bars, listening to the sounds of him sleeping. Of him… humming. “Even if it’s not real… We’re together, okay? Just… imagine me, baby. I promise, I’ll imagine you.”
I leave, broken. Jaded, cold and empty.
Drained of all color, forever.
I walk back to the dock and get onto a ferry. And to my surprise, no one stops me.
He’s allowing me to leave right now, and I have to wonder why?
What does he know… that I don’t?
As the boat cruises over the open ocean, I stand on the outside deck, with the salty air on my face. Humming a song that seems to be suddenly stuck in my head…
A song about crimson and clover.