Chapter 9
David
“Are you free after school?” Finn looks at me intently.
“I have to study for this English test before practice.” That's a lie; I want to meet up with Louis, but no one can know that. Though I have to admit that I feel really bad about lying to my best friend.
"Please, just half an hour. I can come to your place right after school so you can get started as soon as I leave.” It must be important, otherwise he wouldn’t be so persistent.
“Okay, fine. But not for long.”
“What’s up?” I ask when we get to my house.
“What’s going on between you and Louis?” My heart sinks. Why the fuck is he asking?
“What do you mean?" I try to sound light, but I’m not really pulling it off.
“Just what I said. You’re gazing longingly at each other across the auditorium. If we were in a comic book, hearts would be flying back and forth between you two.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
"Don’t lie to me. We’ve never lied to each other; we’re not going to start now over something like this. You’re my best friend.”
Ashamed, I look down at my body and pluck lint from my sweater.
“Are you crushing on Louis?”
I shrug helplessly, still trying to avoid his gaze. “Hey, look at me. Why didn’t you want to tell me? What’s the problem?”
“Is that okay with you? That I...” Oh, fuck it, I’ve known that I’m gay for a while now, the realization is anything but new, so why can’t I just say it out loud? The door is closed, no one is home, no one can hear me.
“That you like guys?” Finn’s voice is soft, he gently puts his arm around my shoulders, and I lean into him.
“Isn’t it weird for you?" Even though I can’t see Finn’s expression, I know exactly how he’s looking at me when he jerks his head in my direction.
“The only thing that’s weird for me is that you never told me.”
“No one can know,” I whisper.
“Excuse me? Why?”
"Two years ago, I found out that my father is a homophobic asshole. There were photos of my half-sister kissing a woman, and my father kicked her out. And not just out of the company. He completely cut her off, out of our lives. I haven’t seen Theresa since that day.
" My whole body is shaking. The same thing would happen to me if Louis and I were caught, I’m 100% sure of that.
There is no alternative scenario in which everything could turn out well.
“Are you sure that was all?” Finn is worried, I can hear it in the slight tremor in his voice.
"Maybe you misunderstood something? Your father is really strict, yes. He constantly checks your grades, and he doesn’t let you stay anywhere overnight, not even at my place after a party or something.
At least you’re allowed to go to parties now.
But I never had the feeling that he was homophobic. ”
Yes, I’m still surprised because it doesn’t fit with what I know of my father, but... “Theresa had no reason to lie to me, right? She didn’t know that I... that I’m gay and that she’d turn my life upside down."
Now it’s Finn shrugging his shoulders helplessly. We don’t say anything for a long time. I feel like Finn needs to get a grip on the implications of the situation and let it sink in, and I’m just scared shitless.
“Okay, so what do you think would happen if your father found out you were with a boy?”
I take a deep breath. “I told you, he’ll cut me off. He’ll take away my future, he’ll...”
“The company? The one you want so badly because…?”
I stare at him in disbelief. "Finn, we’ve known each other for ten years.
Have I ever wanted to do anything other than work for this company?
No, I haven’t. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been sneaking around my father’s office, running the halls.
The company has been family-owned since it was founded, for five generations, and I would be the sixth.
Ever since I was a little boy, it has been my dream to have my photo in the halls of the company someday.
My father’s eyes light up when he talks about the history of the company and about me as his future successor.
I don’t want to disappoint him. What will happen to me if I disappoint him? ”
A single tear runs down my cheek. What would I do if he kicks me out?
Where would I go? How would I go to university?
The risk is too big—or maybe I’m too chickenshit—but I can’t do it.
Not now. Probably never, at least not while my father is alive, but those are details I don’t want to worry about right now.
I just want to be with Louis, to look at him and kiss him. That’s all I want.
“Okay, no one will find out from me. But you can’t talk to each other at school anymore, or you might as well put up a neon sign in the auditorium.” Fuck.