Chapter 10
Louis
There are different types of leaders, both in life and on the handball court. David is a strategist, someone with a plan who quietly pulls the strings behind the scenes, leading our team with his calmness, intelligence, and presence. He’s never loud, but he’s always efficient.
At school, there is always a group of other boys buzzing around him, but the only one who really matters to him is Finn.
The two have been best friends since elementary school and are inseparable.
At least until school ends, then it’s my time.
The first few days, we tried to see each other at school, discretely, from a distance, but Finn immediately realized that something was going on.
From that moment on, it was crystal clear that as long as we weren’t out, there would be no contact—especially no eye contact.
***
“Do you two know each other?” Surprised, I turn to my buddy snapping me out of my thoughts.
“What?”
“Do you know the guy over there? The one from twelfth grade? I think his name is David. He’s been staring over here the entire break.
” The second I turn my head our eyes lock.
One more look and I see that Finn isn’t with him.
A brief smile lifts the corners of my mouth, then I raise my hand in greeting.
Completely normal, completely inconspicuous.
“Yes, from handball. We’ve been playing together this season. I transferred to his team.”
“And what’s he like?”
I grin to myself. Hot, gentle, funny. “He’s really good. We play great together.” On and off the court.
Kian squirms. “No, that’s not what I meant. Is he... nice?” I raise my eyebrows questioningly. “My sister said that… well, rumor has it he’s never had a girlfriend. But... don’t get me wrong, he’s good looking, isn’t he? For a guy, I mean.”
Yes, he is. Very much so, in fact. Tall and lean, broad shoulders like so many handball players.
Today, his dark blond hair falls in soft waves to his ears, his green eyes are sparkling.
Masculine features with high cheekbones, a prominent chin, and a straight nose.
I should look away, or I might start drooling, and that wouldn’t be cool or discrete.
“Yeah, I mean, he looks like a normal dude, right?” Tobi replies with a shrug.
“But then why has he never had a girlfriend? If someone like him can’t get one I’ll be single for the rest of my life,” Kian whines, and we all laugh.
“He’s more on the quiet side, doesn’t like to be the center of attention, at least not off the court. But he’s nice, everyone on the team likes him.”
“Maybe he just doesn’t want a girlfriend.”
I think Tobi meant something else, but Kian misunderstands his answer and is actually quite right. “You mean he’s gay?”
I swallow.
“No, not at all, maybe, I don’t know. Let’s just leave it at that, it’s none of our business. Louis says he’s a decent guy, everything else doesn’t really matter.” Gosh, I’m glad I don’t have to end this conversation. My heart is beating a little too fast and a little too hard.
“There, he’s looking again.”
Oh, damn it. I walk decisively across the auditorium and stop in front of my boyfriend. I don’t kiss him; I don’t even touch him. Fuck, this is harder than I thought. So close. “Do you have a minute for me? About tomorrow. Game day.”
If he can’t get his smile in check, he might as well kiss me. We’re far from discreet here.
David follows me behind the gym and leans against the wall. “What’s wrong?”
“Where’s Finn?”
“At the orthodontist, why?”
“Because either you stop staring at me, or we come out.” David’s eyes widen, almost panicked.
We haven’t really talked about coming out yet, only that we want to fly under the radar for now.
I’ve assumed that coming out is at least a possibility for him, but his reaction tells me otherwise and my heart sinks for a moment.
“I can’t, I... shit. I’m sorry, I...” The bell interrupts his stammering.
“Do you have time before practice today?” I ask and David nods quickly. “Come to my place.”
As I turn around, I brush his fingertips, and I hear him inhale sharply behind my back.
***
“Louis!” Paps knocks on my door. “Someone’s here to see you.”
“David.” I hear my voice, and I could slap myself. But one glance is enough to see that my boyfriend is just as uncool as I am. With a shy smile and a hand on the back of his neck, he’s so cute.
Paps looks back and forth between us, somewhat confused, but whatever is going on in his head, I’m grateful he turns away to leave us alone.
As soon as the door shuts behind him, I close the distance, wrapping my arms around David’s waist, pulling him close to me.
On tiptoes and with my head tilted back, I hope he’ll lean down and finally kiss me and I don’t have to wait long; he doesn’t even hesitate.
Time and space dissolve into thin air the moment our lips meet, and I feel like I’m riding the most insane roller coaster in the world.
Somehow we find our way to my bed, and when we pull apart, almost forty minutes have passed. It’s crazy how quickly time flies by when you’re doing something incredibly beautiful.
“David, we need to talk. We can’t go on like this at school. My friends have noticed you looking at me and there’s talk because you’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“Because I’m not into girls.” David doesn’t look at me, just mumbles quietly to himself.
“Have you ever thought about whether we might... in public. Not right now, we haven’t been together that long. But I don’t want chatter behind our backs just because others think they see something or know something.”
Without looking at me, David breaks our embrace slipping forward to the edge of the bed. Slumped over and a shell of himself, he finally replies in a tortured voice. “I can’t come out. My father would disown me and abandon me, just like he did when my sister was caught kissing a woman.”
What? I try to sort out his words in my head, but they make no sense.
“Ever since I was little, I’ve wanted to work for the family company. My sister was supposed to take over, and my father wanted to retire, but then a few years ago there was this huge scandal, and she had to leave.”
“What does your company do?” The question is actually completely irrelevant. My subconscious is probably just trying to distract me from the fact that we’re actually not allowed to be together.
“Supplier of high-quality electronically and digitally controlled components worldwide.”
“Cool.”
Silence.
Neither of us dares to say it out loud. I always wanted to come out and live like my fathers do.
Kiss my partner when I want to, hold him in my arms, look at him without worry.
I wanted to be just like all the other couples.
That idea has just slipped through my fingers, out of my reach, and I swallow hard.
But I don’t want to give him up, I can’t lose him, not now that we’ve just found each other. We need a plan.
“So no one can know we’re together?”
David nods. “I’m sorry. I know it sucks, but... what if he kicks me out too? I haven’t even graduated school yet. I...” He’s scared. I have no idea what really happened with his sister, but that doesn’t matter. I have to decide for myself if I’m ready to stay in the closet or not.
One look at him is enough and my decision is made. Tears are running down his cheeks; his body is shaking. I fall to my knees in front of him, my hands on his cheeks. “Hey, look at me. We’ll figure this out, okay? It’s not perfect, but we’ll find a solution.”
I gently push him up, make room for myself, and straddle his lap. Immediately he wraps his arms around my waist, pressing his head against my shoulder, and I know it was the right decision. Without a doubt, because no matter what happens, David and I feel right.