Chapter 6
Skai
I don’t know why I said yes, probably because I felt like I owed her an apology. I knowingly kissed her man, and I enjoyed it. I thought about that kiss all night, and with it, I was wracked with guilt. I don’t do cheating or cheaters, and for me to become one does not sit well with me. So, when Natalie called me a couple of days later to meet her for lunch, I reluctantly said yes, so here I am, meeting her to give her an apology. Personally, I don’t really care for the woman, she keeps herself isolated from Jabarri’s family, and to a Gideon, family is everything, but honestly, it’s none of my business. If he likes it, I love it.
I enter the restaurant and give my name to the hostess, following her as she shows me to my seat. Natalie is already seated at the table, and I have to admit she is a beautiful woman, I can see why Jabarri is attracted to her.
“Skai,” she says when I’m close to the table.
“Natalie,” I reply, taking a seat.
“I was a little surprised you actually came.”
“So am I,” I reply. The server comes over and hands me a menu.
“What can I do for you, Natalie? Why did you call me to meet you?”
“Jabarri…”
“I am sorry, Natalie, it wasn’t my intention to cross any lines,”
“Skai, Skai,” she says, breaking into my rambling apology. “It’s okay,”
“Okay? Okay, that I kissed your boyfriend?”
“Yes,” she answers, and my jaw drops to the table. The server comes back over and takes our order before walking off.
“Okay, do you want to explain now, please?” I ask, completely confused.
“Skai, I am gay. It is something I struggled with for years, not wanting to accept it and basically fighting against my nature. When I met Jabarri, I wanted desperately to just want to be with a man. I recognized he was a very attractive man, but I wasn’t attracted to him. I sure as hell was going to try to be or die trying. I did a pretty good job until I couldn’t keep coming up with excuses to keep him at bay. So, one night, I was going to just let it happen,” she says, frowning, her face up like it was the worst-sounding idea ever. “It lasted all of thirty seconds, my panties didn’t even come off before he was calling me out.
That was the night I said the quiet out loud to Jabarri and admitted that I might be a lesbian,” she says with tears threatening to fall. I sat there flabbergasted because out of everything I was expecting, it wasn’t that.
“I envy you so much,Skai, you are able to live your truth out loud. You don’t have to hide who you are or who you want to love. And you have family who love and support you regardless. I wish I was bi-sexual, that would make it so much easier, but if I can’t tolerate physical intimacy with a man as handsome as Jabarri, I don’t stand a chance. My parents consider themselves traditional, they mapped out their kids’ lives before we were even born. They try to control every aspect of our lives. Hell, they bought us both houses right next to theirs with their money. I know now it was just to be able to control us.
If I came out to them, I would be completely cut off, Skai, from everything I have ever known including my brother. The time I have spent with Jabarri has been the most freedom I have ever had. He has shown me how family should be, what I could have, but he has paid a price for his love. His loyalty to me has prevented him from going after the woman he wants to be with, but I hope now that will change.”
“Why, what has changed, Natalie?” I ask, feeling slightly overwhelmed by everything she’s told me.
“I’ve met someone and just the little bit of time I have been with her and talked to her has changed me to my core. I no longer want to live the life my parents carved out for me; I want to be happy since life is too short. And Jabarri has promised to be by my side while I navigate this new future as a friend, he will be all I have once I stop hiding. But having Scottlyn in my life has made me realize what Jabarri has been missing out on all this time. I love him too much to be selfish.”
“He doesn’t have to be the only person, Natalie. Why didn’t you let his family in?”
“I felt it was unfair too for me to build relationships with them under false pretenses. I knew I wasn’t going to be with Jabarri romantically, and I didn’t want to lie to them or get their hopes up about me and Jabarri getting married, and I didn’t want Jabarri to have to lie to them any more than he already was. So, I kept my distance. I didn’t care if we lied to my family. Hell, I have been lying to them my whole life. Trust and believe, though, I wanted to come to the family events. He would tell me about the shenanigans, and they got up to, and most of the time, he’d have some video of it, too, and I would cry laughing and then immediately be sad that I wasn’t there.”
The waiter left our food a long time ago and I picked up my fork and started eating because I am at a loss for words, and I need a moment to process what she just dumped on the table between us. However, soon the food was gone, and I could no longer hide. “So why are you telling me this?”
“I was hoping that under the circumstances, the woman that Jabarri desires to be with and I could be friends. I know I am a coward and weak, but I need his strength, and I can’t imagine being without him.”
“First of all, you are not a coward or weak; we all need to depend on someone sometimes, but I still don’t know why you are telling me this.”
“Yes, you do. When he told me he kissed you he was the happiest I have ever seen him the whole time I have known him,” she tells me, and I just sit there.
“So, you think I am the woman he wants.”
“You know you are,” another voice answers from behind me. I’ve been set up. I think as Jabarri takes a seat between Natalie and me.
“I am going to take my leave. Skai, thanks for coming and listening, and I hope you and I can eventually become friends.” She stands, and grabs her purse before kissing Jabarri on the cheek and walking out.
“Skai,”
“You ambushed me.”
“You wouldn’t see me or take my calls, what else was I supposed to do? And if I had told you what she told you, would you have believed me? Besides, it was her story to tell, not mine,”
“So, you had her bring me here and then ambush me for what?”
“Stop that, Skai. You are one of the most intelligent women I know, but so there aren’t any misunderstandings I’ll make it plain. I want to be with you, Skai, and I’ve wanted to for a long time. Will you give me, give us a chance?” he says, looking into my soul. I have to get out of here now! I grabbed my purse, pushed back from the table, and was on my feet in an instant, but as fast as I moved, Jabarri was faster.
“No, Skai, no more running,” he says as his hand wraps around my wrist like a manacle. “We are going to talk, today.”
“Jabarri, let go of my wrist,” I grit out slowly between my clenched teeth, and he releases my wrist but threads his fingers through mine, keeping me rooted in place. He stands and throws some bills on the table before leading me out of the restaurant.
“You’re place or mine?” he asks when we are standing outside of the restaurant.
“It is way too hot out here for this. Let my hand go so I can leave.”
“Tell me you really don’t want to talk to me, and I will leave you alone…today. I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do, even something as simple as talking to me. So, look at me and tell me you won’t give us this opportunity to talk,” he says, and I begin to shift my weight from one foot to the other in nervousness. His face softens as he looks down at me, cupping the back of my head. “Why are you so scared, Skai, you know me. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Will you let me go back to the house so we can talk? I will leave whenever you ask me to. Can we go talk?”
Ugh, I hate this side of him. I think because as much as I want to bolt, his sincerity has me saying, “Yes.”
When we made it back to her house, we sat in the living room. I made sure to sit in the chair, and not on the sofa. I wanted her to feel safe, and I also wanted to put some distance between us because my hands itched to touch her. It was disconcerting to see tough-as-nails and smart mouth-ass Skai be nervous. Honestly, she hasn’t been the same since her breakup. All I want is to see her fight and fire back, but she has to give me a chance to help her find it again and us.
“So, talk,” she snaps, and I smile. Now that’s the Skai I know.
“Are you going to fight this, Skai,” I ask her with a smirk as I lean back in my chair.
“Fight what?” she asks, eyebrow raised in challenge.
“Okay, if that is how you want to act, I’ll do what you”re too afraid to admit,”
“Afraid! I am not afraid of anything but my momma!” she says, and I laugh because I completely understand. I’m afraid of my momma, too.
“If that’s true, then come over here and kiss me,”
“Kiss you!” she says indignantly like I asked her to lick a gas station bathroom floor.
“Get your little fine-ass up, come over here, and kiss me. You know there is nothing stopping you anymore, so what are you afraid of?”
“Men,” I think is what she says but it’s so low I can’t be sure.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, but I am not coming over there to kiss you just to prove a point to you. We’re not kids, Jabarri,”
“Trust me, the things I want to do to you aren’t childlike at all,”
“Excuse me? Jabarri...”
“I’m sorry, kinda.” Skai looks at me. I tell her and wait for her to comply. “Come here, N?ku Ahi,” I partially ask, mostly demanding and to my surprise and relief she stands and walks to me. When she is close, I stand and wait for her to walk into my arms, “I want a chance with you, Skai. Do you want that, too?”
“I’m scared, Jabarri,”
“I know, Noku Ahi, but I got you. I”ve been waiting a long time for this. I don”t intend to mess it up. I promise to be gentle and patient with you if you promise me the same thing,”
“I don’t know what is going on right now,” she says before resting her forehead on my chest, hiding from me,”
“We are agreeing to be in a relationship,”
“I don’t date men, Jabarri,”
“You aren’t dating me, Skai. As of right now, we are in a full-on relationship. Full fucking stop.”
“And our family and Natalie?” she asks, making me cuss internally because I forgot about both of those things instantly. “She needs you, and my mom and DJ are going to flip their lids about us being together.”
“If it is still okay with you, I would still be her friend until she is ready to tell her family the truth, as far as our family is concerned, I will defer to whatever you want to do. My brothers already know how I feel about you so they definitely wouldn’t be surprised.”
“You know when Uncle Anson and Meghan revealed they were married for years, and no one knew I thought they were crazy, but now I understand why they did what they did. With no one knowing there was no pressure or outside influences, they were able to work on their relationship in relative peace.”
“So, you want to keep us a secret?”
“For a while, yes.”
“And Natalie?”
“I’m okay with you staying her friend; she’ll need you. When my brother threw me under the bus and outed me to my mom, I was blessed that even though it wasn’t what she was expecting, she embraced me, learning about me and even becoming an advocate for me. But apparently, Natalie doesn’t have anyone but you. I wouldn’t ask you to not be there for her, but hear me clearly, Jabarri if we are going to try this, there must be boundaries. There is no need for her to continue to come to family events like she’s your woman anymore, and I’m not going to compete with a fake relationship,”
“I can do that, but keeping it a secret is a short-term thing. We aren’t a dirty secret, and we communicate about everything. There will be no misunderstandings. If something bothers one of us, we talk that shit out, not let it simmer between us and fester until it’s about to rip us apart. If it’s not something we are comfortable with talking about verbally, we will text, video message, or write to each other in a journal or something. We both need to be patient with each other and understanding.”
“Okay, but I really need you to be extra patient with me. I haven’t liked or been in a relationship with a man since I was a young teenager, and I am not very comfortable with men, not even you, so I am asking, please be patient,”
“I got you, can I kiss you?” I ask, pulling her head back to look down at her.
“Plea…” she doesn’t get the rest out before my lips are on hers. I force myself to slow down so I don’t spook her, but her nails dig into my biceps before tunneling into my hair. Feeling the bite of her nails scraping my scalp as she grabs handfuls of it and tugs has me calling on all the willpower I have, and some borrowed, to stop myself from laying her down on this plush rug and fucking her until we are both exhausted and dehydrated. I pull back just in time, cradling her tighter in my arms. I’ve waited years for this, and it was worth it.”
Skai
It has been several weeks since my and Jabarri’s ‘talk’, and our relationship has two speeds, fast and slow, but somehow it works. Knowing him for years makes it kinda easy, but trying to navigate a relationship with him is a whole new territory for us both. We haven’t been physical more than kissing, and he hasn’t pushed me for more. I think he can sense that I am not ready for that. It is so different being with a man. There are days I love it and others I want to punch him in the throat. I walk into my house, throw keys on the counter, and head straight to the refrigerator., I swear I am always ravenous after my therapy appointments but this time I’m prepared. I pull out the ingredients for a ramen bowl when the doorbell rings, and I know it’s Jabarri. He takes one look at me,
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say but continue to decide to add, “Sometimes I just feel like going to therapy is a waste of time. I get why Brooklyn felt I might have needed to go, but I really don’t feel like it’s making a difference.”
“Hmm,” he says, walking over to the sink to wash his hands and taking over cooking, ushering me to a stool.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,”
“Jabarri!” I snap at him because I don’t feel like playing these guessing games with him tonight.
“Why don’t you be real in therapy? Maybe you’d feel differently.”
“And how do you know I am not?”
“Because everyone I’ve talked to who went to therapy and talked real shit might have had complaints, but it was never it’s not helping. It may have been they were tired of talking about something, or it’s hard, and they don’t want to face whatever they are dealing with, but never it’s not working. We have been in this unconventional relationship for several weeks, and anything more than kissing damn near freaks you out..”
“So that’s what this is really about! You just want to fuck, and I am moving too slow for you.”
“Sometimes you are the smartest dumb person I know, you know that! I am not the same young man you first met, I’m not driven by my dick, and I’d rather have you wanting me, begging me to slide your tight pussy down on my dick, than have a woman going through the motions because she’s been pressured into having sex. You are more to me than sex, Skai, a lot more, YOU ARE EVERYTHING to me. But I want you whole. I need you whole, I need you to want to be whole, baby. Go to therapy and open up, and once you do that and you still feel like it’s not working, then I will support you not going, but first, give it a real shot, please.”
“I’m sorry, Jabarri,”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, N?ku Ahi. I want you to be comfortable around me, to be who you are, and feel what you feel. Like your mom is with my brother, like True is with Atlas, and Parker is with Jaasiel. Hell, like any of the wives are with their husbands. Now eat,” he demands as he pushes the bowl over to me, and I do. We eat lunch together, we talk about the upcoming family events, and we have managed to keep what we are growing together a secret, which is not a small thing in this nosey-ass family, but we have taken great pains to do so we’re just not ready to let them in, and we agreed to talk to my mom and DJ first.
“Jabarri, will you stay with me tonight?” I whisper.
“Are you sure?”
“I mean, I’m still not ready..”
“I know that. I just want to make sure you’re okay with me being here with you all night.”
“I,” I begin and swallow against the lump in my throat. “I trust you,” I tell him, as soon as the words are out I realize they are really true.
“I would love to stay with you. I gotta head home and grab some clothes and I’ll be right back. Do you want me to grab you anything while I am out?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I tell him as he washes the dishes. One thing I can say is when he is around I don’t have to lift a finger. Honestly, if I really want to give this a real shot I have to open up more, not just with him but in general. And he is right, it’s time I face some things I have avoided for years now.
“I’ll be back,” he says, coming around the island and kissing me before leaving the house. I head to take a shower before he gets back and throw on a nightshirt since I don’t plan on going back out, just as he comes back. We decided to watch some movies and order dinner in. I have gained a lot of my weight back since starting this unconventional relationship. Before I know it, I’m waking up in his arms as he carries me to my bedroom. He pulls the covers back before laying me down and getting in the bed with me. I forgot to close my closet door, and I hate sleeping with it open. I’ve been afraid of the closet people all my life, and you cannot convince me there isn’t someone in there watching you from in between your clothes when you go to sleep at night.
“Can you close my closet, please?” I ask, feeling bad that he has to get out of bed. True to form, he doesn’t complain before climbing out of bed to close the door to my closet, which is the size of a bedroom, so I am shocked when I hear,
“Skai, who’s shirt is this?”
“What?”
“This big-ass shirt, Skai, who does it belong to?” he asks, and I wake up enough to realize that out of all the clothes in my closet he picked out the one shirt that isn’t mine.
“Why,” I ask instead of answering him, enjoying his ire.
“Do not play with me,” he says finally tearing his eyes away from the huge shirt hanging in my closet to look at me.
“Oh, you think this is funny, I see that big-ass smile on your face,”
“I think it’s cute.”
“Cute, huh? You’re about to get somebody’s face on the side of a milk carton,”
“Damn, well, that’s going to be tough,”
“And why is that? I will beat his ass.”
“Mmmmm, I doubt it,”
“Yeah, I definitely need to know whose shirt this is, especially since you think he can beat me.”
“The shirt belongs to Atlas,”
“Well damn,” he says.