Chapter 7
Skai
“I think this is the most productive session we have had, Skai anything that prompted this breakthrough?” Dr. Hunter says.
“Um, yeah, I was talking to Jabarri, and he suggested that therapy isn’t working for me because I am not opening up for it to work,”
“Jabarri? Wanna talk about him?”
“I, whoo, it’s really complicated, and honestly, I have never really looked honestly at my relationship with him,” I tell her.
“Would you like to?”
“Yes, but I think it might be better if he is here when I do because there is a lot to unpack, and it may be more productive for me and him for him to be here when I do,”
“We can certainly do a couples session. Do you want me to schedule one for you next appointment?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I tell her nervously, wringing my hands.
“Do you want to contact him and find out when he’ll be free?”
“No, I am sure he’ll make time,”
“Okay, let’s make it for Friday, which is just a few days away. Are you okay with that? We can push it out further if you need more time.”
“No, I have been dragging my feet for years over this. It’s time I confronted it.”
“Skai, I do not want you pushing yourself. It can one hundred percent cause more harm than good if you are truly not ready to do this,”
“I’m ready,” I reply with a bit more bravado than I actually feel but I am going to stick by my decision.
“Okay, then we are all set for the day and I am so pleased with today’s progress. I will see you in a few days,” she says as we wrap the appointment up.
I am nervous driving home, and I don’t know why, Jabarri has been nothing but supportive, sometimes too much. He still shows up for Natalie since she still hasn’t told her family the truth, and for our family”s stuff and still makes time for me. He stays at the house at least four nights out of the week, and I am quickly getting used to him being there, and that is a dangerous thing. The garage door opens when I pull into the driveway, revealing his car, letting me know he is already here. I pull in, park, and head inside to find him asleep on the sofa. I take a second to look at him and wonder how I got here with him. I ran from this man since the first day I met him, and now he is here in my home, in my space. What a difference time makes.
“Are you just gonna stand there and continue to stare at me, you pervert?” he says, making me jump.
“That’s not what I’m doing?” I snap at him. Swinging his legs over the sofa, he is on his feet in seconds.
“Skai, what’s wrong?” he reaches for me, but I back up.
“Nothing,” I tell him, turning on my heels and heading toward the kitchen.
“Skai,”
“Are you busy this Friday at three?”
His eyebrows knit together as he stares me down for a few long seconds before answering, “You want me to come to a therapy session with you?” he asks, allowing the other topic to drop.
“Yes, unless you’re busy, then I can reschedule it,” I say, pulling the ingredients out to make dinner.
“I’ll be there,” he says, washing his hands so he can help me cook dinner. Together, we make quick work of dinner and clean up before falling asleep during the movie we were supposed to be watching.
I swear these were the fastest few days ever. Before I could blink, it’s Friday, and now I’m in the lobby, practically sweating through my shirt.
“It’ll be fine. If you are not ready, that’s fine; we have time. I’m not going anywhere,” he says, grabbing my hands to stop me from wringing my hands to death.
“Okay,” I whisper just as Dr. Hunter calls us in.
“Jabarri, very nice to meet you. Please have a seat. Skai made a lot of progress during our last session and she felt if she was going to keep having this forward progress she needed to deal with some things she has previously had a difficult time facing,” she says once we are settled.
“Skai, this a no judgment and no pressure zone, I only want you to do as much as you are comfortable to do. Understood?”
“Yes,”
“Good, so let’s get started. Skai, you talked in previous sessions about your childhood and how that has severely impacted your life going forward but you never discussed it. Are you ready to talk about it now?”
“Yes,” I say so low I don’t think anyone could hear it, and Jabarri is sitting right next to me. I clear my throat, “Yes.” I say louder and more confidently than I feel.
“First, I want to say that from the moment that I started romantically liking people I have always been attracted to both women and men. When I was younger, I was a grandma’s girl, I stayed with her all the time. She spoiled me, and I pretty much got my way all the time, so it was a no-brainer to be with her. When I had to go home with my mom I was always looking for ways to get back to my grandmother’s house. She always had medical issues, so she never lived alone, she either lived with her sister or later she moved back into her family’s home. As I got older, she began giving me some freedom, for instance, she would leave me home alone as she went to the store or one of her doctor’s appointments. I was still too young for my mom to be left alone, but my grandmother felt I was responsible enough, so she would do it, and neither of us would let my mom know because we both knew my mom would flip her wig.”
“One particular day, I was home, and my cousin showed up to the house. I knew him well, so I didn’t think anything of it, but I wish I hadn’t. That was the first day he touched me. I was so confused I didn’t know what to think. I was at the age that I was liking people, and some of the things he did felt good to me, so I felt like it was my fault, that something was wrong with me. He exploited those conflicting feelings, telling me that if I liked it, then I wanted it; why else would I be enjoying it? He was a teenager of about fifteen or sixteen, and I was ten, I think,” I pause when Jabarri pushes a wad of tissues in my hand, and I realize I am crying. “He began coming over more and more, and since he was there, my grandmother began leaving me alone with him more and more, thinking there was someone there with me so I was safe. Little did she know she was letting the fox into the hen house. I would wake up to him standing over me, jacking off and ejaculating on my face or cornering me in the bathroom when everyone was home. It wasn’t until I overheard my grandmother and aunt talking about him moving in with them that I knew that, eventually, he was going to flat-out rape me. I remember going home and asking my mom about her being molested by her cousin when she was a child. My mom didn’t have the best relationship with her mother when she was younger, and she worked hard for her and me to have a better relationship. She wanted me to be able to come to her to ask her anything or talk about anything, and for the first time, I was taking her up on that. When I asked her, she finished cooking, fed us, and got my brothers squared away before sitting down with me at the kitchen table to talk just about her and me.
She said she also felt conflicted because when he would touch her in certain places, it caused a pleasurable sensation in her body even while her mind was screaming this was wrong. She said she would get up at the crack of dawn, leave the house, and stay gone until her parents came back home, and she would be safe. I remember her flat-out asking me if someone was touching me, and I lied, but I think she knew the truth. Don’t ask me why I kept going back over there, but honestly, I loved being over there when he wasn’t there, but when I woke up to him on top of me, I knew I had to get out. I just flat-out stopped going over there, and that made my mom even more suspicious. Once I no longer went over there, he eventually stopped going altogether, and at one point, he was homeless. I think he began taking drugs, and then he just disappeared. But the damage was done. I was terrified of men. I tried a couple of times to have a boyfriend, but both times were a disaster, especially when I had a complete meltdown during my first time, so women became my safe space.
When I met Alayna, the attraction was instantaneous, and I thought I had found my person until I walked in on her having sex in our bed in my house,” I finish wiping the tears.
“Can I hold your hand,” Jabarri asks and takes my hand when I nod.
“I hated watching what my dad did to my mom. He thought we were too young, and then when we weren’t, he felt like we should stay in a kid”s place. But how can we when he would get out of my mother”s bed, and then go pick up another woman and be at his family’s event with the other woman? It was in our faces, all of our faces, and he did not attempt to hide it. Then, he would play on my mom’s fears, insecurities, and desires. He proposed so much to my mother with a new ring each time she could have opened her own jewelry store. So, I grew to truly detest cheating like it’s a visceral hate. When she left him, I think me and my brothers were happier than she was,” I turn on the sofa to face Jabarri. “When I met you, you stirred feelings in me that I had never felt for a man before, ever, but I was in a happy relationship. I did not want to feel anything for you, but I couldn’t stop it from happening, so it was easier to snap at you, be a bitch to you, so you would stay away from me. I would have never left Alayna, and I would have never even considered cheating so where did that leave me?”
“Acting like a spoiled bitch?” he says, and a startled laugh slips out.
“Yes,” I say, nodding in honesty. “But I don’t want to run Jabarri. I don’t want to deny myself what it has been craving. I love you, and I may stumble a few times and revert to my safety net, but I am asking for your patience but also your honesty. I need you to call me out on my bullshit. That is the only way I am going to confront my shit and get better.”
“I love you too, Skai, from the first moment you came bouncing in my house. I told you before and I’ll tell you again, I am not going anywhere,” he kisses my forehead before we turn together to face Dr. Hunter.
“Wow,” she says, dabbing her own eyes. “That’s what I call a breakthrough,” she says, making us chuckle a bit before we continue our session, but for me, it felt like I released the weight of the world off of my shoulders.