Jain
Jain
I drove to my mother's house, a mixture of emotions sloshing through my body the whole way. It was raining heavily, and although the windscreen wipers did their best to keep my vision clear, I was relieved it was a familiar route.
I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I had to have the conversation. My bravado had dwindled since leaving Evan's house, and when my childhood home loomed into view, dread swept over me. I parked the car on the drive, my eyes falling on my mum, who was washing the dishes in the kitchen window. She saw me and smiled before she disappeared, reappearing at the door shortly after. She was wiping her hands on a towel, and she gazed at me lovingly.
"Hey, baby," Mum greeted me and then ushered me in. "Do you want tea?"
"No, Mum, I'm good, thanks. But, mum, I need to talk to you," I started, twisting my hands together as she placed the towel on the kitchen side. I noticed the kitchen was bare of clutter, which was unusual. Usually, there were piles of paperwork waiting to be filed away, with boxes of recycling piled up in the corner.
"I cleaned up," Mum explained, following my gaze. "I have more time on my hands lately."
I nodded before taking a deep breath. Mum watched me, her face filling with concern.
"Jain? What's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, I just—"
"Are you pregnant?" she breathed, and for once, her eyes were wide with excitement, her hands clasping together as I shook my head.
"No. I'm not pregnant. Mum, it's about Julian—"
"Darling. You're stammering. Sit down."
Mum was fussing over me, trying to sit me down on the stiff wooden chair that made me feel like I was eighteen all over again.
"It's probably all this wedding planning. It has taken it out of you. It won't be long, though, and you'll be walking down that aisle with not a care in the world. With the man you love." Her eyes filled with tears as I opened my mouth to speak.
"But—"
"I don't think I've ever been so blown away by you more than when you wore that wedding dress. You looked like an angel. Your eyes were shining with happiness—"
"The wedding is off," I whispered as she stopped mid-sentence, her mouth still moving wordlessly. "I'm not happy with Julian."
The panic on her face was quickly replaced by dismay.
"But you love him! I know love Jain, I've seen you with him, that's not sadness I see—"
"I'm in love with someone else, and I always have been," I admitted as she paled, shaking her head in disbelief .
"Oh, Jain..." Mum moaned, sinking to a chair by a table with a heavy thud. I observed her, her eyes flowing with tears before she wiped them away with her fingers. I wasn't entirely sure what to say or even how to comfort her, but I knew that it was my life, and I had to stop trying to please her.
"Who?" She finally asked, refusing to look up at me. I waited until she removed her fingers from her eyes, letting the silence speak for me.
"You know who I fell in love with when I was eighteen."
Mum inhaled sharply before staring past me, her eyes clouding over.
"Evan. You know Mum because you knew then." I found myself almost hissing this at her. My anger with how she had treated my feelings when truly I was a devastated teenager rose to the surface. "You knew . You knew I loved him and that he loved me, but you still made me leave him! Why? I thought you loved me—"
Her eyes suddenly moved back to mine as she tried to cut me off.
"Don't ever question how much I love you. I gave everything up for you, and I've spent the rest of my life paying for it." Mum snapped, her eyes flashing with anger. "Your father promised me the world too, Jain. Then he fucked off the minute I was pregnant with you. I couldn't let that happen to you. To live a life of solitude is—"
"You weren't alone. You had me ," I argued, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks as Mum laughed sadly, her face paling when I reached out to hold her hand.
"I did. You were the light of my life. My only purpose in life was to protect you and make sure you didn't make the same mistakes I did, with some heartbreaker who would sleep with you and then leave. You didn't deserve that, as my child. You deserved your father."
I was utterly still, as this was the first time Mum had spoken about my father without telling me there was nothing to know; he was a one-night stand.
"You said he was a one-night stand—" I stammered as she lifted her eyes to mine.
"He wasn't. I didn't know who he was when I met him, but it turned out everyone else did," Mum's voice was faint, and she swallowed at the memory. "He was married, and I didn't know. I worked as a waitress at the old diner near Preston Place." She gazed at me, waiting for me to acknowledge the area.
"I know it, Ma," I whispered, frozen as she sighed, a smile lighting up her beautiful face. I saw youth in her features, only briefly, as she described meeting my dad.
"Anyway. I loved him, and he said he loved me. Until I told him I was expecting you." Her eyes blazed as she spoke, bitterness reigning supreme.
I swallowed, wondering if I wanted to hear the rest. Then, as though reading my mind, Mum seemed to remember I was there, her eyes blinking as she welcomed back reality.
"I digress." She waved her hand before clasping my hand in hers. "If you love him, and he loves you, what does it matter what I say?"
I nodded and took a deep breath.
"But are you really going to throw away your relationship with Julian? You know, at the minute with Mr Silver, it's still exciting because it's forbidden." Mum rolled her eyes at my surprised reaction. "I was young once, you know. But all things come to an end, and what will you have left? Ask yourself that."
I didn't answer her. Instead, I nodded quietly .
"I'm in love with Evan," I said shakily as her thumb caressed the skin on my hand. "I love Julian, but not like this. Never, ever like this."
Mum nodded, smiling thinly before releasing my hand.
"Ok, well, I'll say what I should have said a long time ago. If you're happy, I'm happy."
I blinked, unable to disguise my shock at her reaction. She smiled to herself before she stood up to rinse her cup.
"I'm happy," I whispered, and she paused, turning back towards me. She hesitated but stepped closer.
"Then you're doing the right thing."